I dont post much here on the site, i just linger and absorb info like a sponge. I really want to go the route of hrt and start getting my life on track, but its taking so long! I also cant stand it, knowing that my family within a 1,000 mile radius do not support me and my therapist keeps trying to downplay my situation. Ive tried looking for a support group but all i can find is one in atlanta that meets once a month. The details are much more complicated but i just need to vent my frustration.... I cant even talk to my own mother about this situation. she tells me not to worry, and that im a boy. It hurts so much.... There are also many things in my past that are biting me really bad now. This one time, when i was working, a trans women walked into the restaurant to eat, it was the first time a trans women had eaten in my restaurant, all my employees made so much fun of her. While that was going on, i was debating on trying to start up a conversation because i looked up to her for being bold and strong, and maybe get a little direction on what to do. I feel so guilty for not trying to strike up a conversation. But at the same time i feel extremely guilty because i did what all the other guys did and ridiculed her for what she was trying to accomplish. I feel ashamed of myself. Its been almost a year since that has happened... And trust me, it has never left my head.... knowing that i could have a friend to talk to about my problems would be great, but i totally threw that option away in the past, just to keep my pride inflated.... I remember reading a bible scripture on pride, it was out of Proverbs 16:18 "Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall." Talk about true in my situation. Its crazy because i wait for her to come again so maybe i could get some guidance as she has already accomplished more than i have. Back to the original situation, its lonely out here. Its becoming very depressing knowing that there's not much support around here. It makes it hard as well when i try to leave my girlfriend but i cant cause shes semi suicidal. I broke off our engagement and she picked up her old cutting habit again. I cant wait for her to start collage, so maybe she will find someone that will take care of her but wont hurt her as much as i have. So much negativity right now. I hate it. sometimes i feel like dealing with being a guy is easier than trying to change with the situation as it is right now. I also felt as if i created all these issues for me. Instead of expressing who i am in private with my family throughout my life, i tried adapting to a guys life but its not working. I needed that all off my chest. well, im off to work now...
Don't beat yourself up over that incident. You weren't out and your survival instincts kicked in. She never knew the difference and maybe you'll come across her again and then you can strike up a conversation. Hang in there, hon.