It has only been about 6 weeks since I even realized and admitted to myself that I had transgender issues, and only about 4 or 5 weeks since I actually came out to my spouse, and almost 3 weeks since I formally introduced myself to Susan's.
My spouse and I are still trying to talk and plan through through the steps we're taking, and wait until we're both ready to move to the next milestone. For anyone who's read some of my posts, you'll know I still present as male in public, but I go in daytime makeup and mixed womens/ mens wear, with painted nails, and even a purse - because I wouldn't be caught dead looking like that old slob. As far as the beard issue goes, well, for now - the beard stays. :icon_eyebrow: It will eventually get shaved as we move further down the path. We have actually discussed ultimately zapping it later on down the road -- and my spouse has even offered to wax my body hair (not sure if I'm that much of a glutton for pain :icon_yikes:)-- we just haven't quite reached that marker in the path yet. Hell we've even begun to discuss the hormones and surgeries we may potentially like to see further down the road.
Coming out has been a pretty big bomb for Jennypenny (if you haven't met her yet, that's her name on the forum) but luckily I am blessed that she also has a very open mind - she just never considered this was a possibility for me, and in the last few weeks she has shared with me that she (like me), is committed to our marriage and family, and she will support and love me no matter what but is (I think rightfully so) scared about how it will affect our children's school friends and also our extended familial relationships (who have made it abundantly clear on various occasions that they are religiously straight-arrow and completely intolerant about any gender-bending or LGBT issues - e.g. they campaigned and contributed a lot to the yes on prop 8 campaign :-\ ). I've found through other "coming out" experiences (coming out to them as no longer part of their religion) it is generally better to be out rather than imprisoned in others' preconceived notions about yourself. Can't say I'm personally super brave though either :icon_chick: since this is a little different issue, and I think that coming out to friends, co-workers and others may help me to break the ice before I tackle coming out to either of our own parents / grandparents /siblings.
For now, I'm still not in any rush to Transition or go Full Time - and the pace we've set seems fine. Don't get me wrong, if my fairy godmother showed up I would totally be OK if she'd just ::poof:: me into a girl body and let the shrapnel fly. As far as reality goes, for now I am enjoying exploring my feminine side and sharing with my girlfriends, and making new friends here at Susan's and elsewhere, getting ideas and learning from you all and cheering your successes, trying to learn from your challenges and offering my hugs and support during the hard times.
For me, just exploring all of the possibilities that I missed from being overly male / depressed, has helped me to become more in touch with my emerging identity; spending time in the makeup section, buying lingerie for myself from Victoria Secret (and wearing it), learning and doing my own makeup, taking care of my nails, matching and coordinating my outfits, carrying a purse (or is it a manbag?- prolly not if it is full of skincare and makeup products...), shopping for, purchasing, exploring and wearing women's clothing (online, offline and via catalogs), using my old boy clothes in different ways (cuffing my old jeans so they are the length of a long capri is a new one), treating my body, skin and hair right, finally getting off my depressed butt and losing some weight and eating right, fully dressing in women's wear at home (without a wig yet, and of course still sportin' the beard) and even around the kids, I've even caught myself singing loud and proud to what I used to term my "guilty pleasure" 'girlie' music, I've enjoyed going clothes shopping with my daughter and helping her with her makeup and nails- (which she is so happy about finally having a parent who cares about girlie stuff.) - I am so happy to finally allow myself to be a male woman and parent right now and am looking forward to additional milestones so that I can show the world the woman inside of this big lug of a guy's body.
I'm still shopping for a therapist and may have found one that I'll be getting a consultation with in the next few weeks. I have decided on a few work friends / allies to share my story with so yea, I think I'm feeling like I'm making personal progress and am continually in a better and better place with myself and my life every day. :icon_chick: I really feel like I have found the missing piece of "me" that was lurking inside all along. The depressed man disappeared when the self-aware woman took over. She's the one driving the bus now, even if the bus needs an overhaul, the whole bus isn't broke and even some parts are already working better!
Sorry about the long post - if you've made it this far thanks for sticking with me -- sometimes I just start typing and the need to "get it out" and the word avalanche ensues. :icon_blahblah:
Rayalisse,
Each of us enters this road call transition at a different entrance and travel at our own speed. There is no traffic cops on this road so it is fine.
Some go all the way to the end, some get off at a different exit and that is fine. Some even get off the road and go back to where it started and even that is fine.
It is your road, your speed and you even have a passenger to enjoy the view along the way. So many of us travel this road alone.
Enjoy YOUR journey and never let anyone say "Faster. faster".
Rayalisse, your story sounds a lot like mine, although I've got almost a couple decades on you, but I only very recently came out to myself and my wife also, and I've been taking baby steps, like you, but my wife is not nearly as open-minded as yours sounds like. So for now, I'm taking things one step at a time, on my own, while not putting anything in her face until she signals me she's ready. For instance, I'd dearly love to talk with her about this, and about how I feel, but she doesn't seem to want to talk. I bought the book "True Selves" by Mildred Brown, and she said she would read it, and I think maybe she has started, but not sure. I want to respect her feelings and boundaries, but I also have my own needs to look after. I've found a support group, and I'll be attending my second session tomorrow evening. I'll have my first therapy session tomorrow morning, with a psychologist that I think will be very good. I've met three trans-friends in the area, and the picture in my avatar was taken on a recent girls' night - we had a great hen session. I've been shopping some, just today I picked up a belt, a watch and a nice pendant, AND a wig, so now when I go to therapy or to my support group, I can MOSTLY look like Colleen. Still very, very early on my journey - I hope to have an appointment with the local gender identity clinic (CAMH) for assessment sometime in the new year.
All I can say, is... you GO, girl! Maybe we can be BB sisters... :)
Quote from: Colleen Ireland on September 07, 2010, 01:23:02 PM
I bought the book "True Selves" by Mildred Brown, and she said she would read it, and I think maybe she has started, but not sure.
I bought the book "Luna" by Julie Anne Peters ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Luna_%28novel%29 (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Luna_%28novel%29) ) Read it myself and then Jenn read it too. I think that helped to facilitate our own conversations about the subject without too much "wierdness". I'll have to check out "True Selves" - thanks for the tip!
Jenn doesn't like to share much or talk about feelings so it was and still can be a little awkward, but talking about the future, changes, hopes and dreams, does definitely get easier the more you do it. Taking baby steps in these conversations is hard because I always have SO much I want to say, but need to respect that Jenn can only digest so much information at once and that she needs to sleep on it for a few days.
Quote
I've met three trans-friends in the area, and the picture in my avatar was taken on a recent girls' night - we had a great hen session.
I love the HUGE smile on your face in that picture! I am so happy for you, you look like you're about to burst! -- I am looking forward to meeting some local TG / CD group too.
Quote
All I can say, is... you GO, girl! Maybe we can be BB sisters... :)
:) :eusa_clap: :icon_joy: I'd be honored!! I always enjoy reading your posts and our stories are quite similar, and its always nice to have another sister to share those precious tidbits of knowledge :D
Girl, you've just made my day! Thanks for the compliment on the smile... I had NEVER smiled like that before. I look forward to lots more sunny smiles like that one. Trust that even tho I'm in "full male" right now, I'm smiling ALMOST as wide...
So it's settled, then - we're sisters here. I look forward to reading more about your progress, and I will share whatever happens with me, also.