Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Hello group.
I am new here.  I am a Mother who loves her son very much. My son talked to me last night about his feelings of being a woman being trapped in a mans body. For the first time in my life I finally understand what he has been trying to express to me all the years of his life. I feel so bad for him because he is so sad and lonely and he just wants to be loved.  I dont understand all of this. All I know is that I am sad and my heart is hurting for the loneliness and the saddness that my son is feeling. I love him unconditionally and accept him for who he truely is inside.  I worry that others will treat my son badly and will never understand the beautiful and good hearted person he is inside.
well this is my first post here. I hope to learn more and be able to reach out with support and love. thank you for listening.

Welcome Char,

                 Your daughter is so very fortunate to have you as a mother.  There's lots of information here for both of you. I wish you both the very best.


Again, welcome to Susan's

beth

thank you. I am glad to find this website. There is not many people I know that I can talk to.  I tried to get into the chat room but for some reason it wont let me in. Maybe I am doing something wrong?

Hello Char and welcome to Susan's!

I'm very touched by your story, and your daughter is a very lucky gal indeed. I applaud your strength and wish you the very best.  Please feel free to drop by and tell us how everything is going from time to time. 

:icon_hug:

tinkerbell :icon_chick:

Hello & Welcome Char,
    It's certainly beautiful to see a supportive mother. There's a wiki on this site you can access from the home page which is loaded with lots of info for you as well as numerous sites on the web  :icon_paper: so grab a coffee and surf around. The girls here are a fountain of information as well. I am IS and though some things are similar for both myself and a TS, a lot are different and I cannot pretend to understand every step they go through. One thing your daughter is lucky about is your support which helps her more than you know. Just let her guide you both through the steps of transition as she is ready and she will do alright. Best of luck,
                                    Kim

Hi Char, and welcome to Susans!

If only all parents were as understanding and compassionate as you :)

Having someone to talk to is SO important, both for you, AND your daughter. It's when this stuff gets all bottled up inside that we get into trouble.

You'll find a TON of information here... as well as wonderfully supportive and compassionate people.

One book I personally love is called "True Selves," by by Mildred L. Brown and nd Chloe Ann Rounsley. It has it's faults, but overall it's a great introduction to the subject.

Welcome again! It's great to have you here ;)

Kate

 thank you all for your replies. I have to say that I have having such a hard time today. I cant stop crying. I am asking God alot of questions and I dont understand why he didnt just let my son be born a female why do people have to suffer like this? My son is suffering, I always knew there was something different about my son but I never knew what it was. Today I have come to the realization, today I know, today is hard. My God, what im feeling is so intense, I cant imagine the emotional pain my son has been going through, has gone through is whole life.  If only I knew before, I would have been more tender and more loving and more caring. I just didnt know.

Welcome, Char!

I can't add much to what the others have already said except thank you for being so kind and supportive to your child.  If there are any questions you might have, please fell free to ask - no honest question is taboo around here - and if I can answer I surely will.  Of course many of the other guys and gals here will probably beat me to it.

I'd like to second Kate's recommendation of True Selves.  I got my copy through Amazon.com.  Currently my mom is reading it.  It's kind of "textbooky" but it's easy to read and understand.

I wish you the best of luck in your quest, Char.

hugs & smiles,
helen

Quote from: Char on December 10, 2006, 02:38:12 PM
thank you all for your replies. I have to say that I have having such a hard time today. I cant stop crying. I am asking God alot of questions and I dont understand why he didnt just let my son be born a female why do people have to suffer like this? My son is suffering, I always knew there was something different about my son but I never knew what it was. Today I have come to the realization, today I know, today is hard. My God, what im feeling is so intense, I cant imagine the emotional pain my son has been going through, has gone through is whole life.  If only I knew before, I would have been more tender and more loving and more caring. I just didnt know.

Hi Char;

The most important thing is that you support your daughter now.  You both will go through this together, as a family, and she will not be alone.  Thank Goodness for parents like you!  it makes all the difference in the world.  Please take a second to read this article (https://www.susans.org/reference/gfam6.html) in our main page.   I also recommend the book True Selves (http://www.ifge.org/books/true_selves.htm) and this one. (http://www.thetransitionalmale.com/TSChild.html)  You should be very proud of yourself Char, for you are one of a kind...and I'm sure your daughter knows this. :)

tinkerbell :icon_chick:

Very warm welcome Char,

I really am pleased when parent visits, truly.

I think most everything has been said already save help with chat which really isn't forte however I expect we can make that work for you if you would like to describe what kind of problem you are having with it.


From the spiritual side I would like to comment that pretty much everything would seem to happen for a reason, regardless of our understanding. As such perhaps it would be better to focus not on why but rather how to make it better. Transsexualism is no fun at all to be sure but it very definitely can be made MUCH more tolerable.  Now that the problem is found (never hurts to make sure, of course) it would be beneficial to start looking at what can be done to help.

I am guessing but probably the most important thing you can do right now is to talk to your child and make sure she understands that you love her regardless. That is VERY VERY important and I echo what others have said.

But whatever else can be said, Thank you for being a compassionate parent.

Welcome Char,
I think this best thing you can do fro your child is love her unconditional and except her as she is ion the inside. And I see that you are already doing that. There is allot of infromation and people will to share here. Have you check out the Wiki with ton of info on gender topics.
Again welcome and it is a pleasure to meet you Char.
:) :)
Jillieann/JR

thank you for your words. Just a little bit of info about my son. He is 24 yrs old. He moved away from home 6 months ago. He wasnt able to tell me these things about himself when he was here living at home.  He used to have alot of anger towards me. Last night was the first time he has spoken to me in 6 months. He called me on the telephone. He was crying and depressed. I dont know if and when he will call me back again. He had been drinking and he doesnt usually drink. I only hope he doesnt feel bad today for telling me the things he told me.   

Hi Char,

Wellcome here to Susans  - it is always great when a parent is so supportive of their childern.

I recently came out to my parents as a crossdressor - after 36 years my emotions got the better of me and I had to tell them what I was feeling. It was a very emoptonal time when I told my father but we are all the better for when I came out.

It sounds like your son is going thorugh a hard time and has some depression - Drinking and crying is a sign of that. Can you call your son to tell him you love him and will support him in whatever he decides to do? I am sure he wouyld really apreciate that.

Alice

I came out to my mom about three months ago.  She's 79 years old.  She cried and was confused and really didn't know what to do or say about it.  I got very upset over her reaction, thinking, "oh my goodness what have I done?"

Later that evening as she was getting ready for bed I was in the room with her she gave me a big hug and said, "You're still my child and I love you no matter what."  That made ALL the difference and I think that's the first thing you should tell your child too.

hugs & smiles,
helen

Quote from: Char on December 10, 2006, 02:38:12 PM
I cant stop crying. I am asking God alot of questions and I dont understand why he didnt just let my son be born a female why do people have to suffer like this?

You know why I think He allows it?

Look around the forum. Read the posts... especially what happens when people are hurting and in trouble. See the empathy and unwavering compassion and support that flows from everyone. The openness and understanding and open-mindedness freely given out of love.

TSism hurts. It's awful. It's cruel and unfair. But it also seems to create some of the most beautiful souls I've ever had the pleasure of "meeting" as well. There are insights and wonderful perspectives that come with being TS that help take the edge off the pain. A little bit anyway ;)

We've kicked around the question, "if you could go back and start over, would you be a genetic girl? Or would you be TS again?" It might surprise you to learn that a number of people would choose to be TS again. They value the lessons they've learned and the people they've become THAT much.

Myself, I've said I just wish I'd been an ordinary girl from birth. What breaks my heart the most isn't the struggles ahead - it's missing the girlhood I'll never have now. And yet, I also can't deny that this condition truly has painted my entire life with a kind of tragic beauty, giving it meaning and purpose, giving me a unique lens through which to experience and touch this world. My entire being evolved around it... I've never known a moment without it, I've never been "lost" in the way so many people describe in searching for meaning and purpose in their lives. I've always known my destiny, my purpose, my life's challenge. And for that, I'm unbelievably grateful and blessed.

I just wish I didn't wait forty-two years before realizing that my "demon" was actually my angel trying to SAVE me ;)

Quote from: Char on December 10, 2006, 04:22:58 PM
He called me on the telephone. He was crying and depressed. I dont know if and when he will call me back again. He had been drinking and he doesnt usually drink.

If she calls back, do you think she might like to join Susans if you tell her about us?

Sorry about the confusing pronoun usage, by the way - we generally figure that if someone identifies as a female, then we'll use female pronouns ;)

Keep in mind that there are therapists out there who specialize in gender issues. They can be a bit tricky to find, but they're out there. There are web pages with lists of them... I'll try to find a few sources and get back to you. Not everyone pursues the therapy route, but it's generally considered a good idea to help people sort out their feelings. The emotional struggles ahead for your daughter are *enormous* - and a good therapist can help her identify and deal with them. We've all evolved our ways of coping with - or avoiding - the pain, some methods much more self-destructive than others... but in the end, we HAVE to face it.

Alone, that task seems *impossible*. But with the help of family, friends, and often experienced professionals... she CAN get through this to find her particular resolution to all this. Honestly.

Hi Mom !
Welcome to Suzans !
All I can say is .... Been there done that !  My Son told me practially the same thing...I was shocked to say the least... but it did make sense as you know from
all the little things that were not quite right in their childhood.
.... personally , I wouldn't wish being TS on my worst enemy, its a crule fate
and extreamily hard... HOWEVER... there is some good in it ! ...
I now have a Daughter I can be proud of, some day when the SRS is all done
I believe things will more or less get back to normal...
  Remember this TS is a Birth defect, it is not some weird Fettish or preversion
there is a big diference  the brain is simply of oppisit sex than the body
we can't change the brain, but we can change the body to match .
I think its a hard thing to put a parent through , but its not as if they wanted this delima in the first place... toughen up yourself Mom !this is not an easy path for you or your Kid. but it is a nessarry one
  Keep this a secret  don't be telling your friends as they can't possably understand, and once word gets out there is no way back.... they will all find out soon enough.
....
Learn what being TS is ! Understand it ! its not cross-dressing  its something entirely diferent.... Understand it so you can explain it to others when asked.
....
as I said , I've been there done that, if i can help in any way just say the word !  I love my Kid completely as any father should, this even includes him transisioning to a girl.....  I will do all I can to help... in any way possable....its the least I can do !
...
so take hart Mom...
there are others out here that have been there done that before you...and we survived it too.... <grin>   once you UNDERSTAND the tears will cease. its the Not knowing "what the heck is going on " that is causeing most of your pain!
so..... LEARN Kiddo.... LEARN !
And the best place to do that is right here !

Seriously, Holler at me if I can help ya !
Bob........

Quote from: Char on December 10, 2006, 04:22:58 PM
thank you for your words. Just a little bit of info about my son. He is 24 yrs old. He moved away from home 6 months ago. He wasnt able to tell me these things about himself when he was here living at home.  He used to have alot of anger towards me. Last night was the first time he has spoken to me in 6 months. He called me on the telephone. He was crying and depressed. I dont know if and when he will call me back again. He had been drinking and he doesnt usually drink. I only hope he doesnt feel bad today for telling me the things he told me.   

                     If it were me I would contact him in any way possible as soon as possible to let him know he has your complete support. Let him know this makes sense to you.  I would not force him to talk about it anymore at this time but let him know he can talk any time he wants to.  I would be sure to let him know he is welcome to come home also. (If he is, that is)


beth

Quote from: Char on December 10, 2006, 02:38:12 PM
thank you all for your replies. I have to say that I have having such a hard time today. I cant stop crying. I am asking God alot of questions and I dont understand why he didnt just let my son be born a female why do people have to suffer like this? My son is suffering, I always knew there was something different about my son but I never knew what it was. Today I have come to the realization, today I know, today is hard. My God, what im feeling is so intense, I cant imagine the emotional pain my son has been going through, has gone through is whole life.  If only I knew before, I would have been more tender and more loving and more caring. I just didnt know.

Hi Char.  Welcome to Susan's.  I think you'll find you've come to the right place.

Don't blame yourself.  One of the things you need to understand is the problem isn't with your daughter, the problem is with society.  When children are born we automatically look between their legs and put them on one of two paths with all the expectations that go along with it.  The child is too young and too new to the world to realize what happened let alone speak up for him/herself.  While you may fear what the future holds for your lovely child, what she needs most is your support.

Her anger and pain are understandable.  Most likely she's lived with this bottled up all her life.  The presssure gets to you and you want to scream.  Some keep it bottled up for decades, but along the way a lot of damage can be done.  Be thankful she has had the courage to talk to you at such a young age.

At this time in your lives, you'll both need to understand you are not alone.  There's millions out there like your daughter and millions of parents like you struggling with this.  The more you learn the more accepting you will be.  The more accepting you become the more you will know this isn't anything to be ashamed of.  We are all creatures of God and She doesn't make mistakes.  Your daughter has been given a great gift and in her life will teach others things like tolerance; judging a person for who they are inside, not how they look; finding beauty in the uniqueness in all of us.  She will make you proud.  But right now she needs to know, no matter what, you will always be there for her.

Go easy.  Don't ask too many questions about why she is this way but instead how she feels.  Encourage her to express herself and no matter how you feel about her appearance, look inside her soul at the goodness you described here.  You will see her beauty emanate outwardly from within her.

All the best,
Julie

Well said Julie !
And Beth ! you hit a very important point there !
You know, the reason Her Son probly had the currage to tell Mom in the first place was probly because he was 3/4 drunk... it is very important that Mom tells
her Kid that its OK,,, I love ya anyway ! RELAX !    its VITAL !
right now Her Kid is probly more depressed than SHE has ever been in her life...
and Suiside is not far enough out of the picture !   
Make the effort Mom... even if its show up at her/his work place to say "its OK... I love ya !"   and then leave... its that important right now !
if you have to miss work to do it then miss work !  heck its only money !
....
  I keep forgetting that normal parents don't see things the way I do, and I forget to warn of the consiquences.   Mom be concerned ! be very concerned !
this is probly the most dangerous time in your Kids life . Suicide clames more TS people than any other... it is imperitive that You Support your child Now.
... No body said it would be easy.... but Love will give you the striength you need to get ya through !.
... in the future you will look back and think Man ! I was sooo very worried,so confuzed, so hurt... thinking what did I do wrong ?   but you will realise it is not your fault or your Kids fault.... it just is. 
accept it and Move on...  get over the pain as fast as possable...
...
Hope that helps.
Bob.......

Hello Char i can only think of the amazing possibilities you have now?
this site has hundreds if not thousands of years of experiences and tragedies of like minded people?
if you have the time and read some of the posts you may find wonderful bits of information and great ways to support your daughter and help her!
Best wishes
Ricki

Char,

Welcome to Susans!  And thank you for being supportive of your newly-discovered daughter.

Echoing what others have said, your child needs a very supportive shoulder to lean on right now.  If she doesn't call back soon, might I suggest calling her.  Gender identity is a real struggle for many of us.  Having someone to talk with who will listen, be supportive and not judgemental is so very important right now.

Regardless of how the exterior might change, your child is still the same person on the inside.  Hopefully, good Lord willing, this will end the conflict that has raged inside of her.

Chaunte

Char,

First let me add my welcomes to this wonderful site.

NOW! Before you read any further pick up the phone and call your son. If there is no answer get in your car and go over to his home and get him to answer the door. When one is drinking and lets out the secret he just shared with it could be that he was letting you know a reason for the possible suisidal state of mind should that be the out come. The longer you wait the more at danger he is. you must make the move not wait on him to call you. His phone call to you could have been in a drunken state... if he remembers what he told you when he sobbers could be more than he is able to handle. so make the contact with him now how ever it needs to be done. Come back after you know everything is ok with your child and finish reading.

Your tears may come from many angles; guilt, loss, at at loss, and in simpathy. so lets look at them.

Guilt: Because you may have said things about your child's behavior over the years, that now knowing the secret that has been hidden from you, you realize now how much it must have hurt those precious feeling of your child.

Because you can't put your child back inside so you might could get it right the second time if itwere possible. Guilt for somehow you think maybe it was you or how you carried this child that this happened.

Loss: Loss of the son you gave birth to, the one you felt grow inside you and felt come through and out your body into this world. Loss of the relationship as you knew it before this secret was shared with you. Loss of all that your life would have experience had your child stayed the way you thought him to be 24 hours ago.
No daughter-in-law to be, now children of his to call you grandma.

at a loss: because you don't know what it is that is needed of you. at a loss because you can't take away all the hurt or kiss this ouchey away, or put a band aid on and make it better.

Sympathy: for feeling the hurt because you to have felt hurt over the years. the connection and bond of mother toward child is so strong it allows a mother to feel exsteemly close and able to feel the actule feeling and degree of hurt one of her children feel.

All are stages of grief as is posted in another topic her on this forum. you'll find it as one of the 3 or 4 thumb tacked topics at the top of the forum list. Gill is whome submitted it. You'll find it helpfull I'm sure.

all tough things to have stare you in the face and have to deal with. As was mention in earlier replies to your post a therapist would be of great value to both you and you beloved child.

Take care and feel free to visit with on any other issues you have.

Peggiann

  Thank You everybody for your kindness and support.  I cant get in a car and go over to my sons house. He moved far away, to whole other State.  I know all too well about depression and suicide. I myself am a suicide survivor. I should not be alive today but I am. My Son was 4 years old when I almost died. He did not have a whole Mother when he was little. I know the signs of depression, the signs of suicide. I did ask him on the telephone if he was feeling suicidal, he said he is not suicical but he is depressed. I never want my son to go through this suicide stuff, it is the most awful feeling in the world to feel as if you are in a black hole with no light in sight.
I did try to call my son before coming on this board but he is at work. I do not know the people he is living with and I dont want to intrude on his privacy. I told my son last night I love him very much, I always will and nobody or no thing ever can stop the love I have for him. I told him he can call me anytime he needs somebody to talk to. I even told him he is welcome to come back home. He doesnt want to come home right now. He did ask me if he could bring his mate with him to visit sometime and I told him yes he could.
I would never try to put my child back inside and get it right. I accept my child for who he is, its others not accepting him that hurts me. My son  is having a hard time accepting himself and I just want him to know that it is OK to be who HE IS, not what others in our culture think he should be.
It took me 40 years to learn that lesson for myself. I know what it is like to not be my true self to others, never showing feelings, because I was scared.
Im not worried that my son wont be able to give me Grandchildren. I am a Grandmother already. My son has always told me since he was little that he would never get married to a woman and have children, that is something I accepted many years ago.
Yes it does hurt that I cant take his pain away because if I could take my sons pain I would but I know I cant.
This is my sons path in life and I accept that. I love him no matter what.  I just hope that somehow he can stop running from his true self and be free to be the person he was meant to be.
Posted on: December 10, 2006, 10:57:25 PM

---

oh and what I mean by "free to be who he is meant to be" I mean free to be the woman that he is.

Bravo Char !
Man You are a sharp person !
it took me 2 weeks to come up with that frame of mind <GRIN>
Sounds like you've done all you can .... for now... the rest is up to him/her.
stay in touch Gal ! vent your flustrations to us... <grin>
...
God it makes me feel good knowing there is someone else out there that understands what realy loveing their Kid is all about !  and You got it down pat!
Good for you !
WOOT !
Cheer and all that !
...Haing in there !
Bob..........

Char,

Welcome to the forums, Char. It's good to see parents here. I wish my own mother would have availed herself of resources like this when I was first transitioning. She made her way through anyway, but I think it would've been a bit easier for her.

Dennis

 Hello everybody,
I just wanted to stop by today and tell everybody who responded to my posts, Thank You all so much. Your words and encourgment touch my heart. Such beautiful hearts and souls in here. I would have liked to responded to each of you with an email but the rules say I must have 15 posts first???  When I read that one of you  was beaten when you told your Mother, well im so sorry that happened to you.  It makes me angry to know that people can be so heartless and cruel in this world. Always remember that you are beautiful inside and out. You are a precious human being.  I hope each and everyone you here has a lovely day.

Hi Char, yes 15 posts are necessary for PM's. The reason being to prevent abuse. Unfortunately, a site like this occasionally attracts whackos who may harass or abuse members, so we put that safeguard in place.

You'll be there soon :)

Dennis

Hi Char and welcome to Susans.  It's interesting that you accept your child for who she is and are afraid of how society will percieve her.  I am currently living fulltime as a woman and have been for about 5 months now.  I came out to my parents a little over a year ago.  My experience has been that society has been completely accepting of me and the only opposition to me transitioning has really come from my parents and especially my Mom.  Also from my siblings but not nearly so bad.  I have not seen my parents since April of this year and from what I've heard from them, they still have no intention of ever seeing me again.  For this, I am jealous of your child and that she has such an accepting parent.  So, I think things will turn out far better than you are imagining.  Just the fact that your child has your support will help in a HUGE way.

Melissa

If some of us could only of had a supporting and loving mother like you what a world it would be!
A kiss for you and a hug...............
Ricki