This is a side-post that i was inspired to write but i didn't want to derail the original post -- https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,83664.0.html (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,83664.0.html) but had a question for my family here at Susan's -
I already have a gender-neutral sounding nickname (to a Masculine "official name") that everyone calls me and knows me by. (like Chris or Andy or Pat etc.. - names changed to protect the innocent ;) )
I do want to make a name change of some sort (at least get rid of my masculine official name) but it appears that I have options and I think I'm just barely scratching the surface on a wide-open subject. I want this decision to be made once so I want to make sure that I choose a name that suits me and my personality, but also one that I won't regret choosing for whatever reason.
Anyway I am not sure if I want to
a) just change my official name to my nickname (like from Andrew to Andie/Andy) because that's what everyone calls me anyway and it would be easier for everyone who knows me not to have to learn a new name...
or...
b) just change my official name to the feminine version of my name and continue to be called by my nickname (e.g. Patrick to Patricia and still be called Pat). Again keeps things consistent for what people already call me...
or...
c) When I start to transition and make a name-change, make a more dramatic name change (like From Christopher to... Alisse - so far my favorite :) or Ariel, or Jasmine, or Hermione)... That way there is emphasis on the change in presentation as well. It kind of gives the previous identity some closure,
I imagine the conversation would go something like, "I'm sorry, Pat is no longer here, [we decided to go in another direction, / outsourced him/ tied him up in the back of the bus,] but I'd like you to meet Pat's life replacement, Juliette. She will be taking over Pat's depressing and mundane existence and is expected to do a much better job at life than he ever did anyway. She has full benefits of his life in perpetuity."
This still doesn't resolve the pronoun issue (and using an existing nickname may reinforce that)...
Anyway I'm still not sure what I personally want to do, but I'm sure my friends and family here at Susan's will have some opinions on the good, bad and ugly of each of the options and possibly mention others that I haven't even considered.
You could always think of the names you are considering, and see if they fit you, or sound really nice and goes along with who you feel like.
I partly chose Melody because many people already call me D (including my wife). It is the first initial of my male name, but some people actually write to me as Dee. Anyway, Dee is a convenient nickname for Melody. Maybe you can find a female name that fits your nickname the way mine does? Or maybe you can make your middle name your nickname?
I went along a similar route to Melody's. I stuck a feminine-sounding variant of my forename in the middle, and took a syllable from my old name into "Gemma". That way I keep my nicknames, as they were formed from that "muh" sound. I considered this important personally because my friends and I have a unique set of names for each other. We've had them since we first knew each other, so it feels kind of like a secret code. I didn't want to break that up.
Because of that, I would suggest considering your name in context with those people most important to you. If you do have a nickname or some little quirk which is dear to you, I'd suggest you keep that. It helps me because, I'd rather not change anything about myself, and I'm trying to communicate that to the people around me. But that's me - I can see the value in a wholly fresh slate, too.
Well, my main suggestion on this point is to make sure you pick a name that's age- and culturally-appropriate for you - a name that you could have believably been given as a little girl. Which means that for some names and age ranges, unisex-nickname-as-name is out but the feminine version of your name is in, whereas for other names and age ranges it's the opposite. Check baby name records for your birth year to see if your nickname and/or the feminine version of your name at least show up in the top 500ish.
As far as making a clean break - that's a very personal choice. Are you happy with your nickname or does it remind you too much of your old life? Does it feel like "you" or not? Have people around you come to think of that nickname, unisex though it may be, as "male" when referring to you? Do you think it would be harder for them to switch pronouns if you kept it? Or do you think the continuity would help them accept you and feel less awkward talking to/about you?
An option for now might be to change your legal name to your nickname/feminine version of your name, and then a few years down the road after you've socially transitioned change it to a name you prefer. A lot of people have noted the benefits of this approach, most notably that on forms where you have to list your former name you can list the unisex/feminine name instead of your old male name.
Quote from: Rayalisse on September 08, 2010, 08:10:21 PM
I imagine the conversation would go something like, "I'm sorry, Pat is no longer here, [we decided to go in another direction, / outsourced him/ tied him up in the back of the bus,] but I'd like you to meet Pat's life replacement, Juliette. She will be taking over Pat's depressing and mundane existence and is expected to do a much better job at life than he ever did anyway. She has full benefits of his life in perpetuity."
I like that! :D :laugh:
I agree to Kyril's suggestions, but would rather choose from the top 100. Kyril always has very good and wise opinions concerning names. It's a good idea to pick a name which is usual so people won't ask you unnerving questions about it just out of boredom or to find a nice conversation topic. This gets annoying over time even if there's no trans issue hidden behind it.
I'd add choose a name which does not make it difficult to draw the line where your first name ends and last name starts. I had that problem with my old name and it sucks (e. g. Toni Obrigado/ Tonio Brigado, Alex Anderson / Alexander Sun etc.).
I'd also suggest to pick a name which is easy to spell and has not several usual ways how it is spelled. This also avoids some hassle.
Also try to write down your new first and last name and see if you get along with the new signature.
Avoid names which sound like pseudonyms of prostitutes or drag queens (some transwomen don't consider this problem when they pick their name). Like exotic names, such names tend to kill an otherwise decent passing.
The other suggestions like integrating the nick in a new name are also very good.
What you can do is take two names, one being the neutral one people are used to and the other the new female one (without a hyphen between both names). This way you can switch between one and the other if you see that over time, one of them does not "work" for you or the people around you. The non-functional name will just slumber forever in your ID card and other papers, such as many other, unbeloved second names do.
Kyril and Fencesitter and everyone has good advice. My name has nothing to do with my family and I've never met another person with the first name of "Lukas", though "Gabriel" is a common name. I have a good cover story though if people really want to know why I chose Lukas Gabriel, when I'm passing that is.
Thank you everyone for your well thought-out replies. These are wonderful suggestions. Kyril and Fencesitter - the additional considerations and advice have definitely given me more to think about.
Like I mentioned before, this isn't a decision I am making lightly -- I want it to be right (or at least decrease buyer remorse...)!!
Quote from: Rayalisse on September 09, 2010, 11:37:48 AMLike I mentioned before, this isn't a decision I am making lightly -- I want it to be right (or at least decrease buyer remorse...)!!
Very good decision. Better take some time than stick to a new name too fast which you might regret for the rest of your life. That's the good thing about being transgendered, you can choose your new name yourself. I also suggest talking about your decision-making with friends and family for further input and suggestions and how the new name "rings" to them.
Oh, some more suggestions from an ex name sufferer whose parents considered almost none of all the points:
- Avoid a name which many people cannot pronounce well in your family's mother tongue or in the language where you live or might move to in the future (e. g. the French names Alain, André etc.). It's a pain to hear your name being disfigured over and over again.
- Avoid names which are associated with a certain character of a book and movie etc. and nothing else, and are rarely used otherwise (e. g. Hermione from Harry Potter). Especially if the book etc. came out or became famous decades after you were born. Just seems somewhat unplausible, plus makes people compare you to that character, or at least tell you that "oh, you have the same name as that character from that book?" (like if you did not know that before), which is annoying anyway and might make them ask more about your name. I had that problem with my birth name, it made many people react automatically with a certain line from a 30ies movie as the name was otherwise unusual but that movie character and the line was very famous. And that was very annoying over time, even without causing a stealth/trans problem.
- Ultrafeminine names might have a somewhat weird effect depending on how your body and appearance will be like after transition. (Same goes with ultramasculine names for transmen.)
- Make a google check to see if your new first + last name is the same like that of an unpleasant politician, bank robber, serial killer, war criminal involved in genocides etc. infamous in some country.
- Avoid a name which is almost identical to a famous trademark, people will point to this resemblance over and over again and it's annoying. It's even worse if it's a trademark for a medicament or cleaning powder. (I also had that problem.)
- Some names have a very weird or unpleasant original meaning, such as Claudia which means "the limping one" in Latin. If you don't want that, check up the meaning of the name. A friend of mine is called Claudius and he got angry at his parents when he found out as an adult what his name actually means.
OMG, I totally just started a topic similar to this too.
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,83745.0.html (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,83745.0.html)
Mine is about regretting the name choice though, so in the long run it may be helpful for you to check out especially as it starts getting some responses (I hope it does anyhow lol).
I think the whole idea of choosing a name that is appropriate for your age range, is easy to spell/pronounce and all of that is kind of moot, it's completely a personal choice. My fiancee's name choice was Bianca, for some reason despite this being a semi common name (even if you don't know someone named Bianca most people in America at least know it IS a name) she still has to spell it... 10 freaking times during every phone call or even face to face meetings. I on the other hand chose the name Seth and created a longer version myself, Setheriane. People find my name interesting, it leads to great conversations and if someone questions how I got it I just make a joke about my parents being creative. It never leads to additional questions, I merely state that they made it up, my reason being that they supposedly felt Seth was a good name but had wanted something longer... since Seth isn't short for anything they just made something up :)
I've also noticed a lot of older names coming back into style, especially for females, so having a name from any time period shouldn't be too odd... just don't pick a name that is newer than you are ;)
Quote from: Rayalisse on September 09, 2010, 11:37:48 AM
Thank you everyone for your well thought-out replies. These are wonderful suggestions. Kyril and Fencesitter - the additional considerations and advice have definitely given me more to think about.
Like I mentioned before, this isn't a decision I am making lightly -- I want it to be right (or at least decrease buyer remorse...)!!
I'd add to kyril's point by saying that when checking the list from your birth year you can go 4 or 5 years from that in either direction and still get names that are associated with "women your age"
One thing my mom told me that the transition, along with the much discussed plans to lose weight, would end up making me look considerably younger than my real age....I think that's true for a lot of us. So that's a twist on that suggestion to keep in mind.
Without know what the nickname is you are speaking of i can't specifically say, but certainly if it has a fem version (i.e. Ray to Rae) then that's a totally viable option.
It is true that you need to consider the comfort zone of those around you for whom their comfort is important - that may or may not be a very big circle - and the extent to which you think they are willing and able to be adaptive to support you.
an example - Scenario A: your friends are understanding and tolerant and want to be supportive but are clearly struggling. In this case "Bobby Ray" to "Bobbi Rae" makes a ton of sense. Assuming that it is not TOO much like "his" name that it simply isn't comfortable. Scenario B: Your friends are filled with excitement and really want to go all out to affirm your new identity and lift you up. In this case "Bobby Ray" to "Jennette" or whatever would be very happy-making.
Beyond that, some general thoughts from my decision making process:
first thing I did was go over the baby name list for 1960-1968 and pulled out maybe 20 or so favorite names.
then I struck any name that I thought might make a good friend uncomfortable, reminded me of someone i didn't like, or had an unfortunate combination with my surname (i.e. "Anita Morehead" or "Richard cox" for a male example - and such)
Then I picked from what was left. but don't apply this too woodenly. In my first go round I struck "Tammy" as it was the nickname of one of my favorite cousins, and went with my second choice.
However, over the course of time, I found there was a huge gap for me between 1 and 2. Eventually I had to do the job over again and go with Tammy because it was where my heart was and I'm very glad I did.
Two other thing I didn't think of ahead of time that I always pass on -
1. signatures. i don't know about others but when i handwrite at all, I print. EVERYTHING except my sig unless I'm doing something that specificlly expects cursive.
Which is to say, writing any cursive letter not in my legal name is a pain for me and doesn't flow naturally.
Turns out, i never could master a natural looking "Laura" in cursive. Tammy, on the other hand, is close enough to my given name that it was easy to master.
If your like me, might be a consideration if you'e considering a complex name.
2. vocal sounds. if you anticipate trouble with your voice, a name which, when spoken naturally, tends to include "low notes" might well be a trap for "dropping down" vocally without realizing it
Quote from: Tammy Hope on September 10, 2010, 09:08:42 PM
Eventually I had to do the job over again and go with Tammy because it was where my heart was and I'm very glad I did.
Yeah, I think i have it narrowed down and really like the name Alisse Danielle because I love how it looks, but with multiple ways to pronounce (aliss-eh), (alice), (a-lease :my pronounciation)... So then I keep going back to Andrea Danielle - and going by Andy /Andie. (because I have a cousin named Andrea and want to not steal her name.)
Quote
1. signatures. i don't know about others but when i handwrite at all, I print. EVERYTHING except my sig unless I'm doing something that specifically expects cursive.
I also try writing the name too -- and I'm a little obsessive and crazy... if I'm "trying on" a new name candidate, I always take at least one sheet from a legal pad and fill it up, both sides, to see how writing the name feels, and to also try to develop a signature that feels natural - If I can't write the name like its been mine since forever, its probably not "my" name. When I'm done, it looks like a crazy person who is obsessed about someone has been writing their name over and over plotting their demise... so I quickly destroy the test paper.
Another
un poquito loca en la cabeza thing I do is look in the mirror and call myself by the name and introduce myself to my reflection... , and if that feels natural, I also pretend answering and introducing myself on the phone, to make sure that saying that name + my surname outloud doesn't sound stupid, and that I can actually say them without stuttering or not identifying with the name as "me".
I remember once years ago when my gf wasn't around and I needed her signature to put on a document. I've never before tried to write anything in female style but after only 2-3 tries I was able to come up with a sig even more feminine than my gf's own :) Later when she saw it she asked "how the hell did you do that?" I said "I don't know" blushing a little bit :)
My male signature however, has evolved (?) into an undecypherable cryptic thing over the years and I could choose whatever female name I wanted to, if I stick to my signature, nobody would guess the underlying characters have changed because there are no characters in there anyway :)
Handwriting, oh, that's hard. Nobody writes by hand these days, which I think is a shame. Pushing these keys all day is so soulless.
Is asking your mother about what your name would have been, an option? I did that. I didn't really like it at first but I got used to it over time :)
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