So, I had discovered I was transsexual late in life but had always knew something was wrong. I had a lot of defense mechanisms built in against things like feeling defenseless, vulnerable, not in control, etc. Anything that would rob me of my 'masculinity'. However, a lot of these walls have been coming down and I am finding a lot of the things I feared before now extremely pleasant.
I have a good friend who is a bisexual male. I met him back in March just after I went full time at work. He seemed infatuated with my transition and we ended up being good friends. When we are out together we hug and kiss and flirt all the time with each other. He also loves to give my ass a super hard swat. It is just a fun thing he does, I guess. I found I actually liked it! So, anyways, last night we were facing each other and talking and he slapped my in the face. Hard enough to make it sting. That is the first time anyone has ever slapped my face and to be honest, while I wasn't expecting it, I just found it incredibly erotic. I had a huge smile on my face afterwards.
I am still trying to figure out what it was about the slap that I liked. Now, if someone slapped me in the face because they were mad that is a different story. Anyone else experience something like this? Please share your thoughts!
Hugs
Sounds like someone's a bit of a masochist. :P
As long as you don't get bruises and he's not doing it violently and stops when you say stop then I don't see an issue with things like that.
ummm I see a danger that this may need to be moved into the sexuality area... but yes spank me nicely and you certainly get my attention so to speak... ;D
I'd dived into this topic thinking "uh-oh, are you okay?", but I'm relieved and quite impressed now. ;)
I can't speak from my own experience - none to speak of yet! - but I can certainly appreciate the appeal. Fair play to ya! Have fun exploring, if it's something you fancy doing.
Having come from an emotionally abusive relationship. I see red flags all over the place. The swat to the butt might be just play, but to the face would be ground of telling him to hit the road.
Be very very careful. When you let them get away with the little hits, they think it is OK to really hit you. And you begin to think it was deserved.
All I'm going to say is that I watched the film 'Secretary' with a bunch of girlfiends and watching eyes light up the room, it's not all that uncommon, haha!!
That said, as Janet has mentioned, there is a world of difference between 'play' and abuse. I hope that you make this absolutely clear to him early on.
TC M x
*snickers*
I think know that I like a lil' spank sometimes but I don't picture me reacting well to being slapped
Like Janet, I see red flags and possibly green ones.
These types of relationships can be fun, they can be rewarding, they can be safe.
But only if you are in control.
And more importantly, if he is in control of himself.
If he hits because he is being erotic, then, so long as you enjoy it, it's fine.
But if he hits because he needs to dominate, then get out.
I'm sorry, but some people have a lot of anger inside.
My girlfriend and I are like this *Blushes* One key thing to have when in a relationship like this is to have a safe word. This is a word that you have, that's not an everyday word, that you can remember for when things might go a bit too far for you and you need things to stop NOW. It's VERY important when getting into the...(this avenue of...relationship. Trying my hardest not to get too graphic) that you communicate about it first and get all the cards out on the table. That is if you're headed that way. If it's only a slap however, and won't happen again, then remember the time with fondness =)
Quote from: Bones on September 14, 2010, 04:18:23 PM
My girlfriend and I are like this *Blushes* One key thing to have when in a relationship like this is to have a safe word. This is a word that you have, that's not an everyday word, that you can remember for when things might go a bit too far for you and you need things to stop NOW. It's VERY important when getting into the...(this avenue of...relationship. Trying my hardest not to get too graphic) that you communicate about it first and get all the cards out on the table. That is if you're headed that way. If it's only a slap however, and won't happen again, then remember the time with fondness =)
I have a magic word.. "I'm going to kick you in the nuts". Well, maybe not one word but you get the point. :)
LMAO Dana! That made me laugh outloud. I bet my girlfriend will like that one. But yeah..this isn't for everyone..that's a definate
Speaking as an Dom, I would suggest if this is play for you to think of a safe word for if things get to much for you to stop things all together and a safe word to slow things down if need be. And you need to know your limits and other things and go over everything with him. If he just slapped and spanked you out of anger or any reason other than what you and he considers play and he is just plain being abusive leave him. An abusive relationship isn't no good all it does iis hurt in more ways than speaking from past exp.
Quote from: Dana Lane on September 14, 2010, 04:28:03 PM
I have a magic word.. "I'm going to kick you in the nuts". Well, maybe not one word but you get the point. :)
Well done Dana.
You sound like you are still in control. ;D
So you liked it? Cool. But I think this is a side issue here.
My concern is that he just out of the blue slapped you. Why would anyone do that?
Maybe he's into "violent sex" and is "testing the water" with you?
It kinda tripped me out when I learned that a couple of my friends were into that... They'd bite, claw and beat the stuff out of each other during sex and then be all like "That was great"
I think it's okay if consenting adults enjoy safe versions of this. On the other hand, if he just did it without warning and without asking for permission, that's creepy and potentially dangerous. Sure, it might turn you on, but if he thinks he doesn't need to ask, there might be something wrong with him.
Have fun, but be careful doing so.
Well I don't know... Sex for me always had to be and always will have to be a beautiful, spiritual experience. And while I'm okay when someone (not my partner though) likes these kind of things, they certainly don't fall into the "beautiful" category so I'm off :)
But I agree with others, be careful Dana if you go further!
g
I have to agree with Dee
QuoteThe first time ANYONE raises a hand towards me that's it, game over, buh bye...
This action could lead to abuse very quickly.
Careful hon.
Jillieann
Woah, sounds like you might enjoy bondage :P j/k
I was not present at that moment, so I can't judge the situation. And I know neither you, nor your boyfriend. I don't know much about your relationship either. So I have to write out of the blue here.
It's good you have a safe word, or safe phrase. ;)
Being slapped in the face can be dangerous though from a medical viewpoint. If he accidentally slaps your ears, the worst outcome can be that your ear-drum gets broken. Which is no fun.
I also worry about that it was out of the blue and not inmidst of a role-play. I don't mind "surprises" coming up during a role-play, but even then, it should be discussed before if surprises are okay. And "surprises" are not okay for everyone. And outside a role-play, this should be agreed on before.
I'm into BDSM, but not the varieties which rock your boat. However, I know a lot of other BDSM people and for them, spanking a butt is very different from slapping someone into their face. The latter being much more intense psychologically and carrying a risk that the partner might react badly, cry, break down etc. It's a very intense play which some of the BDSM people enjoy a lot, but they all say - you need trust beforehand, it's risky etc. But then again, many BDSM people seem to like things which are psychologically risky and sexually, they enjoy things which are a mix of "feels good" and "feels bad", or the adrenaline rush, and especially the balance act involved with dealing with contradictory sensations or feelings. I think the sexual kick of a balance act is the common denominator for many BDSM people.
So this is why I wonder your boyfriend did this to you. Either he does not care, or he does not know it may turn out being not okay... I don't know if he's a jerk, if he lacks experience concerning BDSM scenarios, or if he has a great intuition and just got the feeling right that it was okay for you then, at this moment, in this situation, to do exactly this.
I'd suggest go on having fun, but talk about both your limits and taboos. Be right-away about it. Be clear. Be honest (to yourself and your partner). You cannot engage safely into BDSM sex without being clear about your limits. "Normal" sex may get just disappointing if you're not honest before, but BDSM sex may become traumatic even without your partner wanting to inflict a trauma on you. And be careful, what he did might just have been clumsy (even though it was okay for you right then) or he thought it was okay for you or he doesn't care about how you feel. Plus learn about physical risks, e. g. slapping the face is risky.
I'd suggest you to go to the BDSM scene and get advice from experienced BDSM people about physical and psychological safety. As your report reads like you're both new to this subject and experimenting and having fun, but you lack the information or experience to be aware of the risks. BDSM people are good to talk to for these things. Maybe your boyfriend is a jerk, maybe he is a great guy but a BDSM top lacking experience and therefore he plays dangerously.
You might also want to buy a good book about BDSM and safety, for the medical etc. aspects. Cause bondage, flagellation etc. can be great fun if you're into it, but if you don't know much about the technique and risks, you may damage kidneys etc.
I mean, I'm into bondage and this sounds harmless. But until I got good advice from the BDSM scene and BDSM safety books, I got into medical trouble over and over again. Like, e. g. damaging nerves of my hand so that I had no feeling apart from an ant-like prickle in two of my digits for a couple of months. Just because we used the wrong material for bondage and my partner made the knots at the wrong place so that it damaged a nerve on my wrist. As when the situation gets hot during sex, you tend to fight with the ropes and put much pressure against them etc. Thanks God nothing worse happened, I could have strangled myself to death with ropes applied wrongly.
Flagellation stuff such as spanking etc. can be even much riskier if you don't know the medical aspects and which parts of the body are taboo there - you can wreck kidneys etc. I have a great book about it, but it's in German, so ask for good advice from a local BDSM group or buy a good book about it.
BDSM is one of the most interesting and thrilling experiences of human sexuality, but it's risky at the same time.
So take care of yourself! And enjoy yourself!
Enjoy...
Ian Dury - Hit Me With Your Rhythm Stick (live) (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u6idHmoe5EM#)
I suggest checkings out books by Claudia Varrin, she is pretty informative and goes over the risks for diffrent things, how to plan, and pretty much everything else you may imagine. I love that woman her books has taught me so much.
welcome to the world of being a masochist.
but, just a word of warning from someone who has been through it, make sure that he likes it for the same reason you do. if hurting you is one of the only ways he can get off, that is a problem.
I found myself liking the masochist thing in the beginning, and then it seemed like my partner ONLY wanted to do that, and that was the only thing that could get him aroused, and I just didnt want to be in that situation.
just, be careful
but yes, to answer your question. The first time my exboyfriend punched me in the face, I loved it. i found it to be a thrill, and it really turned me on, especially the bruises on my jaw afterwards.
This is fine if you can handle it and enjoy it.
But if ANY man slaps me in the face, he better sleep with one eye open from then on. >:(
- Kate
Context and Scene are absolutely essential in any top/bottom relationship.
Make sure you both know the boundaries. It is good to discuss them, sometimes
they can be part of the scene itself.
There are several great books on the subject that I have read:
Larry Townsend's The Leatherman's Handbook 1 & 2
are highly detailed--even for none leather folk.
Pat Califa's The Lesbian S&M Safe Sex Handbook
Read, study, and have fun--but make sure it is safe healthy fun.
And yes, some D/S S&M or top/bottom relationships can approach
abuse if not "Fair Trade" as I like to call it.
-mS
Quote from: Dana Lane on September 14, 2010, 01:51:24 PMI am still trying to figure out what it was about the slap that I like
Maybe you confuse your reaction to pain with him giving you some attention. And I've seen some abusive relationships where there is nothing physical inflicted, it's all mental abuse. What you liked about the slap, well as a reaction to pain, the body releases endorphins, which produce feelings of euphoria. Trouble is you need to up the dose each time. Where are you going to go when a little light slapping doesn't do it for you any more? And some things work better in fantasy than reality.
From doing some online research :), I understand masochistic fantasies are (a lot?) common in the female population. S&M either real or fantasies, don't do it for me. I did read `the story of O' at fifteen, from my dads porno collection, maybe that put me off the whole thing. That and going to Catholic school, they were major into whips too :)
While doing the online research I did come to a conclusion. Never mind what damage they are doing to their bodies, what damage are they doing to their psyche and once you go `
there', there's no coming back.
ps: An online lady friend of mine (who's a `
school teacher') sent me a very long text involving herself, her sister, who's a part-time dominatrix, a sailor, who they picked up in a bar, fur lined handcuffs and a bathroom razor. I have to confess, I found it difficult to respond in kind .. :) If it's one thing I learned from this online `research', it's women prefer text while men prefer pictures :)
A little lip biting is a total turn on for me but no slapping or hitting :S
If you like slapping then go for it :) Just... know what his intentions are in what he's doing.