Regrets.
Changing
Not changing
Getting a tember.
Not being me as in my personality.
Not being a loving person like I am now.
If I did regret I scared of never getting back.
My biggest fear is being atracted to men.
My oppintions chaning.
My views ect ect.
My likes and disslikes.
I'm scared full stop.
Anyone else fill the same or felt the same.
And what happped to you after T
Quote from: Hazard "AJ" on September 15, 2010, 06:41:15 PM
Not changing
Not being me as in my personality.
Not being a loving person like I am now.
If I did regret I scared of never getting back.
My biggest fear is being atracted to men.
My oppintions chaning.
My views ect ect.
My likes and disslikes.
I'm scared full stop.
I haven't started T yet, but yeah I get worries too :(. My worries are somewhat similar to yours and I left the ones I was most concerned about within the quote. I agree with the biggest fear :o I don't know why I'm afraid of that, but yeah I just am :(.
Who cares if you start being attracted to men? Honestly, if you are attracted to them you can't help it. I don't like girls right now, but if hormones change my brain, then I'll like girls.
I really have no idea why I'm scared of that most :-\. Maybe it's just a guy thing ::), like how other guys get so defensive when they're assumed gay. Or maybe I'm scared that it'll become just another aspect of my life that I'll be FORCED to disclose....well not forced, but another aspect that might hinder me to be carefree in certain situations.... I dunno :( for now I'm just going with "maybe it's just a guy thing".
You shouldn't be scared. I doubt you'll lose interest in girls, so if you're bi, then you won't be forced to date guys, and if you're attracted to men you won't care. And being gay or bi shouldn't stop you from being yourself or carefree. If you're around people who care, you shouldn't be around them.
Yeah I have a rising suspicion I might end up bi ::) more love to go around eh ;D. And I agree with the "if you're around people who care, you shouldn't be around them" however, some situations are close to unavoidable and when I'm faced with bigots, I get into HEATED debates :o. Another concern overall is that it's scary to think that an "innocent" little hormone could affect the mind in such drastic ways. Not just attraction, but what's mentioned above as well :(. Do you girls on E or about to take E get the same worries? Because there have been many guys on here that have changed their sexual orientation after T, hence the big concern.
Well I'm scared of HRT but I'm more excited than anything. The main thing I'm scared of is getting fat lol. I'm aware that some girls end up bi or lesbian but I'm not scared. I don't care what my sexuality is, as long as I'm a girl, I'll be happy. Just so you know, I don't mean to make it sound like you shouldn't be scared of ending up gay or anything. That's fine, you're allowed to be scared. I don't think anyone can say what others can be scared of.
I think, if I ever start T, the thing I'm most afraid of is regret.
Seeing as I'm bisexual, if my sexuality changes I wouldn't really care. I already like both sexes to begin with.
Oh no you didn't seem like that at all. You actually had some sage words there ;D. I just felt like a dick for sounding somewhat homophobic about myself :o. I hope that isn't the way it came across, just scared of the unknown of what's to come. And I suppose you're right, the main thing will be that I'm male regardless of sexuality.
Quote from: Meepit on September 15, 2010, 07:54:21 PM
Oh no you didn't seem like that at all. You actually had some sage words there ;D. I just felt like a dick for sounding somewhat homophobic about myself :o. I hope that isn't the way it came across, just scared of the unknown of what's to come. And I suppose you're right, the main thing will be that I'm male regardless of sexuality.
It does come off a LITTLE homophobic but when you really think about it, you're most likely not homophobic. That's not how I thought of it. :P Thank you though :D
Quote from: Devyn on September 15, 2010, 07:50:30 PM
I think, if I ever start T, the thing I'm most afraid of is regret.
Seeing as I'm bisexual, if my sexuality changes I wouldn't really care. I already like both sexes to begin with.
I know how you feel about regret. I'm terrified I'll regret it and realize I'm a boy, but everytime I feel like I'm not trans, all the hate I have for my body etc comes back and reminds me. Like I just despise being a boy. I love boys but I'm not one.
I have nothing aagainst gays ect. But I just can imagen being with a guy. I just can't think of that but people keep sying to me cuz I'm a vergin and never been with either when I don't now for sure. Ect I don't look at men the same way as women. I lobve women I love there bodys looks ect but not on me. I love being mascerling ect. But I just can't think of walking down the stree with. A guy holding hand and deff not in bed. I don't want. A man no were close to that just seems erhh to me. Wither itys now or then. I can imagen being with a man now or me becomeing male and being with a man. I just like the image of a women next to me. I like to be the dombernet one. I think I'm more scared of the emosinal side. Like changes in me as a persson ect I dunno. I'm just scared and fill so messed up right now things r just ->-bleeped-<-ed in my head..
For some reson I don't think of myself as trans I now I am but I don't like to think of myself as trans. Not sure why. I now what I want but I'm afraid. (Does that make sence) I never thought that this would be my life u now. I wish I could have just been happy but I guess we all say that. I fill so selfish. ->-bleeped-<-ing hell.
Sorry abour spelling
I don't really have many fears about starting T.
I'm scared that i'll regret transitioning. I'm scared i'll never pass. I'm also scared that me being trans will put people off relationship wise.
Those fears are pretty small though i'm mostly looking forward to the changes. ;D
On the subject of sexuality I hope that I like woman more but if my sexuality doesn't change i'll be fine with it. I'm bi but 90% into guys and only 10% into women.
I can undertsand though that if you 100% into women right now that you wouldn't want to be with a guy. I don't see it as homophobic at all, I did when I first read it but after reading what Hazards last post I don't.
I have some big worries about physical changes. What if me wanting facial hair really is just a phase like everyone tells me? I'm scared of not getting facial hair as much as I'm scared of getting it! I guess the same goes for body hair, too, something I'm really sure of right now but second-guess myself about for the future. I also have terrible acne now, so even if I can get rid of it, I'd have to wonder if T would bring it back or make it even worse. The only emotional problem I'm worried about is developing a temper. I'm also worried that a higher sex drive and possible growth down there might make my genital dysphoria worse, because I'll be thinking about it more, and there might be more accidental rubbing, etc. to draw my attention to it.
Even with all those worries, there are things I'm pumped for, without a doubt, even though I'm not in the process of pursuing T right now. I'd love to have a deeper voice, I'm excited for being able to grow muscle more easily, and I wouldn't complain if my menstrual cycle disappeared. I'm also looking forward to the facial changes that will make me pass more consistently. Try to think of the certainties about T that you know you can't wait for rather than the possibilities that frighten you!
Most of my fears revolve around the social aspects...will I be able to fit in with the guys, will I ever be able to find a partner, dealing with doctors and others who know/find out I'm trans. That kind of thing. And there is the fear that I'll regret it. My mom keeps telling me I will, keeps insisting it's a phase (it's been rather for a phase, I think); she says things like I'm not as male as I think I am, etc. That's when she'll acknowledge it at all.
Well, it is a life-altering decision to be sure. I would say, you'd probably want to have more positive feelings about it than negative (reservations, fears, etc.). If you have more negative feelings than positives, hold out a little longer and see how you feel about it. Talking to other people can certainly help, but there will be some variation. Like some guys have fast, noticeable changes, some it takes years ... some guys grow a lot of facial hair, some not ... some get a deep voice, some don't. There's some relatively standard changes T is supposed to do, but it will be a little personalized because your own body is unique. You could do what I did and try it and still back out before permanent changes happen. Or you can do what some other guys have done and do it only until you get some noticeable changes that you're comfortable with and then stop. It's a big decision either way, but there is some flexibility in it.
Well, I'm not all that scared to be starting (more scared that it'll be forever before I can), but I do have a few fears which I shall share
My facial features changing in unflattering ways (my jaw is square enough already, thank you very much).
That I'll never learn to shave properly
My genitalia forever remaining *cough* INADEQUATE
Not being able to do convincing drag ever again no matter how I try
Not being able to cry like other people say they can't; I worked for years to be able to cry, dammit
I do also worry about my anger and sex drive increasing, as I already have a lot of both, but not enough to consider it a fear, especially with the second one (that's something to laugh about, if anything). I also dread dealing with my family once changes become noticeable.
I'm more worried about all of the paperwork and stuff that comes along with it. Though I would love the deepened voice, change in appearance, and other things....If I could have that, I wouldn't be so worried about the name changing or anything of the like. xD
Quote from: Hazard "AJ" on September 15, 2010, 06:41:15 PM
Anyone else fill the same or felt the same.
And what happped to you after T
We're all scared of something at some point about starting T.
I was at a point where I was unsure for the longest time, then I didn't want it. The more hair, the acne, the blood pressure problems it could pose.. Just the risks, and serious consequences.. I didn't want to do something then change my mind later.
But now I got to the point where I can't take it anymore, I need T. I want to be seen as a guy my age, or at least way closer to it. I want the deep voice and chin hair. The muscles, and fat redistribution. I want to look and sound more like a guy, without T I've been avoiding social situations. I can be more of myself with it.
Just take your time, talk it out with a therapist, write the pros and cons down.
It'll be okay.
Okay let me go through the list:
Regrets. - Don't have them
Changing - Have changed, go on changing, but that's okay.
Not changing
Getting a tember. - don't know this word, what's that?
Not being me as in my personality. - personality stayed basically the same, but the rollercoaster and experiences of transitioning has somewhat changed it a bit.
Not being a loving person like I am now. - this won't change I thing.
If I did regret I scared of never getting back. - My fear as well, but it's not very strong.
My biggest fear is being atracted to men. - My biggest fear was becoming straight or gay as being bi is frigging awesome and I thught it would be a big loss to lose half of the potential partners I could be attracted to. This was what I worried most about. Before I was about equally into both sexes, now I've slided a bit, leaning somewhat more towards guys. I wonder if I'll end up being gay, but I'm not afraid of that any more. It's just like if one day you don't like chocolate any more, you don't worry about it. A 100% change might be awful though if you're in a relationship.
My oppintions chaning. - They'll change anyway in the course of your life
Someone mentioned being afraid that if the clit grows, it might increase the body dysphoria. To me, the contrary happened. The little guy is still kind of tiny for a penis, but it almost matches the "penis" part of my inner body map now. :D
Regrets. No regrets at all.
Changing It can be frustrating wanting to see the changes but they're slow to begin with.
Not changing You will change physically, it just takes time and believe me, it's worth it.
Getting a tember. Personally I have found that my temper has improved a lot on T. I've stopped fighting the world and now I can just laugh at things that used to rile me.
Not being me as in my personality. The changes you will notice will be positive ones as the dysphoria decreases. Unless you have a lobotomy or a serious head injury you will always be you.
Not being a loving person like I am now. T doesn't stop you being a loving person. It does stop you going awwwwwww over kittens and babies and squealing over hair clips ;)
If I did regret I scared of never getting back. That is the biggest hurdle to overcome of all the fears. You can stop T at any time but you cannot reverse the changes. Would you want to go back?
My biggest fear is being atracted to men. I have always been attracted to men. I could always see the aesthetic beauty and sexiness of women but pre-T I was never attracted to them. Now, if it moves I would happily nail it, cats run as I approach ;) One thing to remember is that we go through the teenage boy stage of wanting to hump custard pies and watermelons too (if someone tells me now that's not normal I'll die). Testosterone just makes you more horny, you notice things you never did before. The longer I'm on T those feelings have eased off and I'm back to liking women as people. My emotional attachment is still towards men. Don't worry about temporarily being attracted to the gender you never thought you could fancy, it passes.
My oppintions chaning. That just happens as we get older.
My views ect ect. See above.
My likes and disslikes. Can't say I've noticed any real changes in this area.
I'm scared full stop. That is a good thing. It makes sure you examine yourself very closely to make sure you're on T for the right reasons.
Anyone else fill the same or felt the same. Yes to some of it, no to others.
And what happped to you after T I became me after a lifetime of trying to be someone else. It felt like being in a play where everyone else knew their lines but I didn't have the right script.
My biggest moment of fear was when I had the first syringe in my hand poised to go in. That was a moment of real soul searching. Giving myself that shot was the best thing I ever did.
People can give you advice and we can tell you about our own experiences but when it really comes down to it you are completely alone. Family, friends, doctors, other trans people can be there to support you but the decision to take T ultimately comes down to you knowing how you need to live the rest of your life.
If you think you might want T just for the physical changes then perhaps put off taking it and give yourself time to think it through. Hopefully you have a long life ahead of you. Delaying the decision to take T for a few months or even a year or so won't spoil things if being a man is the right life for you. On the other hand if you wake up in twelve months time and think "what the hell did I nearly do to myself back there?" then not taking T will allow you to physically stay just as you are.
Testosterone is a wonderful thing, it is also very powerful and not to be abused or gone into lightly without being fully aware of all the possible consequences, both negative as well as positive.
Personally it was right for me but I would always urge caution. This is your future you're deciding. Think of the film Sliding Doors, how will your life pan out if you take T and how will it go if you remain as you are?
Good luck with making the right decision for you.
altho i dont have dysphoria about my bosy all that much anymore.. I still fill the need to pass more. I hate my voice and would love a more masciling figer, before going to charing cross if u asked me 2 mths ago i be dead exsited and culdnt wait but since after i dunno..its wired i and a negertive person anyways always have been my doc tell me all the time as well as familys... Not that long ago i had mad fears about death and afterlife ect ect. my family were always why r u so negertive. but my mum wasnt the most posertive person. i guess we all have fears. Im also worred about always having this lable. as her do u remeber Aj... what the guy who used to be a women, rather then them do u now Aj the guy who did great tattooos or who works at that school ect ect...I already get people from workin pockin fun... i now hf of it is just kidding around but i just want people to just get on with it and i now they r gunna pick when things do change.. I told them the name i like and they all laughed it done sound right its stuped. ect ect..I dont want that well not from people i work with... i guess i am emaressed about being trans. i dunno.. someone once said to me why r u doing this just to meet girls.... i Thought to myself stop being so stuped u twat im not doing it for that. But i was thinking the other day i never been in a realationship with a women and that really pissis me of.. what if i am (be a damn ->-bleeped-<-ing stuped reson that for ->-bleeped-<-ing sure) but i think i want to look male i want to sound male and would like women to look at me in that way...ect ect(u get what i mean) anyways like i said if u were to ask me 2 mths ago.. i would be yes 2morrow.. U now. mum seems to think the appiontment is a realerty hit.... Maybe i am just a botch les.. But things just fill more that that. altho i be cool going out with a women now im not even sure if i could let a women touch me like i am now ect. i like the image of me being male with a women u now. :p
Not on T, not got any time scale for it, but I think I'd welcome having a temper. Right now I just get frustrated (especially before my period) and it stops me from thinking clearly and reacting appropriately. Anger is something I find much easier to control. It's like having a furnace inside instead of a flood.
I have 2 major fears. Right now, pre-T I have a very low sex drive. I'm afraid that when I go on T it will be overwhelming. I'm also afraid that T won't actually work. It won't make me feel comfortable in my skin.
I only have 3 fears with T
one that... I'll switch from being bi.. to liking men only.. Not so much of an issue for myself.. but that would make things even harder on my family.
two... that T will really change my facial features.. I'm pretty satisfied with my looks right now, they are already rather masculine.. I wouldn't mind a bit of changes.. but nothing super drastic
three - that at some point in my life I would regret it. However whenever I think of that.. I just think I've never been super happy as a female.. and I've always been wayyy happier living as a male. TBH I dont' really have any body hatred.. it's more of just a nuisance having to bind and deal with periods and crap..
Didn't have time to read all replies, but I don't understand why you'd be afraid of being attracted to men. I questioned my orientation pre-T and post-T I'm finally comfortable enough with myself that I'm gay. End of story. T doesn't turn you gay, as many people think. I didn't get a temper. I actually became more chill. I didn't change, I simply became who I've always been on the inside, on the outside.
Quote from: Tad on September 16, 2010, 02:17:58 PM
three - that at some point in my life I would regret it. However whenever I think of that.. I just think I've never been super happy as a female.. and I've always been wayyy happier living as a male. TBH I dont' really have any body hatred.. it's more of just a nuisance having to bind and deal with periods and crap..
Same here, I don't want to regret it at all..but I don't think ill be okay with myself trying to live as female. Im way more comfortable this way. And all this extra stuff us transguy have to do & worry about is a big nuisnace.
Quote from: jmaxley on September 15, 2010, 08:49:02 PM
Most of my fears revolve around the social aspects...will I be able to fit in with the guys, will I ever be able to find a partner, dealing with doctors and others who know/find out I'm trans. That kind of thing. And there is the fear that I'll regret it.
I made a post about my fears a few days ago, but this covers it pretty well. Also, am I the odd one out who's actually afraid of becoming
straight? I know it's a silly thing to be afraid of, but I like guys, and want to continue liking guys. Eh.
As far as your likes/dislikes and your personality changing though, it's not going to change you into a different person. You may relate to things differently, but T can't change who you are as a person.
Quote from: Farm Boy on September 16, 2010, 04:13:26 PMAs far as your likes/dislikes and your personality changing though, it's not going to change you into a different person. You may relate to things differently, but T can't change who you are as a person.
Yeah. A couple of things may change though, just by hormones, even without social transition - and I was only part-time until testosterone worked for a year so I think it's just the hormones which worked here. Plus I stopped testosterone one year ago and this also gives some clues. Well here's the list of changes to expect on testosterone:
- crying less or crying becomes even impossible, even if you want to
- almost or completely losing your "it's small and cute, I want to cuddle it" instincts
- it may get difficult to talk about your feelings, you have trouble finding words for them
-
HORNY!- multi-tasking talent decreases
- more focus on details
- being more out-ward with your aggressions. Testo does not cause aggressions but influences how you deal with them.
etc.
So sure, you will change.
Quote from: Fencesitter on September 16, 2010, 04:26:28 PMTesto does not cause aggressions but influences how you deal with them.
I wonder what it will do to my temper, I just hope it helps me express it as i'm really bad at dealing with anger right now.
Quote from: Fencesitter on September 16, 2010, 04:26:28 PM
Yeah. A couple of things may change though, just by hormones, even without social transition - and I was only part-time until testosterone worked for a year so I think it's just the hormones which worked here. Plus I stopped testosterone one year ago and this also gives some clues. Well here's the list of changes to expect on testosterone:
- crying less or crying becomes even impossible, even if you want to
- almost or completely losing your "it's small and cute, I want to cuddle it" instincts
- it may get difficult to talk about your feelings, you have trouble finding words for them
- HORNY!
- multi-tasking talent decreases
- more focus on details
- being more out-ward with your aggressions. Testo does not cause aggressions but influences how you deal with them.
etc.
So sure, you will change.
I dunno why i scared for.. But i like being a loving caring person and like to talk about my fillings as it makes it easyer, i would like that fact that it might make me stick up for myself. But i ave 6 nephews and a niace (sorry if spelled wrong) and 2 of my nephews im very close to epeserley the youngest whos 2..i love that boy like his my own. i smile every time i see him.. I hope that that wont change after T... Im just scared of alot of things.. Im scared of what people will think i scare that i will change in someways that im a jackass a lose some of my family ect ect... I couldnt think of my world without my sisters kids. and her youngest means everythink to me. Like i said im prob being stuped... But i am also scared of outside changes. I want a deep voice and faceal hair and mans figger Now but what if i dont 5/10 years down the line. then thats it i will never be the person i am today. I want to make sure in 100% on this. Like i said to a friend its like anythink. A cake might look gd but sometimes when u tast it its not what u expected. (U get me) I dunno i fill like a man and i like to be nown as a man. ect ect. and i used to cry about my body all the time. but now not really altho i have to wear a binder everytime i leave the house. when i see my chest it dont really bother me...u now..i dunno maybe i should go to my doc again for pro help..
Quote from: Nygeel on September 16, 2010, 01:50:03 PM
I have 2 major fears. Right now, pre-T I have a very low sex drive. I'm afraid that when I go on T it will be overwhelming. I'm also afraid that T won't actually work. It won't make me feel comfortable in my skin.
Pre-T i had a low sex drive, possibly due to my medications, and on T my sex drive has increased but its not out of control, by any means.
Also.. and alot of people talk about regret.. There was just recently a post about not transitioning and misidentifying themselves, you should probably read that. Myself, I never thought about having regrets because I knew for me it was 100% the right thing to do, so i didn't run into that problem. Until you feel that T is 100% the right thing for you, you probably shouldn't considering T just yet.
Quote from: Femboy on September 16, 2010, 03:20:29 PM
Same here, I don't want to regret it at all..but I don't think ill be okay with myself trying to live as female. Im way more comfortable this way. And all this extra stuff us transguy have to do & worry about is a big nuisnace.
In response to your response to my post..
while regret is a fear.. I don't think I would have any regrets.. I guess more what I fear is the unknown.. and regret is just the label thrown on that. I'm someone who likes to be in complete control.. so what if T causes something I don't like.. that's more what my fear is I think more then anything..
I can't see myself ever having a quality life as a female.. I doubt I could ever find a spouse, or really be happy with myself, I'd just continue to cycle in and out of depression.. and live a very awkward life tricking people into believing I was male.....
So yeah, T is for me. I just don't like the whole unknwon bit.
Personally, the unknown of T was far less of a risk than the threat of being stuck in a not masculine body for life. I would've rather died than not start t. My only fear was that T wouldn't work on me, and I'd still look like a...yeah.
Quote from: Tad on September 16, 2010, 11:37:54 PM
I'm someone who likes to be in complete control.. so what if T causes something I don't like.. that's more what my fear is I think more then anything..
I can't see myself ever having a quality life as a female.. I doubt I could ever find a spouse, or really be happy with myself, I'd just continue to cycle in and out of depression.. and live a very awkward life tricking people into believing I was male.....
So yeah, T is for me. I just don't like the whole unknwon bit.
Im the same, I like to be in control...&I feel like ill never find a lover..&scared that I won't be happy with myself once on T..
Its more of, is T really right for me. Pros, cons, risks and all. I don't want to be someone who starts it and later regrets ever medically transitioning..not that I have doubts about it now, but its a possiblility.
Meh I know it's right... just can cause certain undesirable effects.. but meh.
My T date should be coming up soon, by christmas hopefully :)
I'm on T, but I'm still scared. A lot of my fears are... vain, but here they are:
In terms of appearance:
- Balding is my biggest fear. But I'll cross that bridge when/if I get to it.
- Being extremely - and I mean extremely - hairy. I want facial hair and body hair, but I don't want to be a bear. I don't think many men want to be bears because a lot of them remove some of their body hair... Chest hair, ass hair, etc. It's just not pleasing.
- Being too "small" forever. And I don't mean downstairs, in this instance. My hands are tiny. My head is rather small. I just feel like a little kid, and looking down at my tiny hands and tiny feet really freaks me out. I don't want to be perceived as a little kid.
- My face becoming extremely unflatteringly "caveman-esque" (although no one in my family looks this way, so it's crazy and unfounded...) or not masculine enough...
As for psychological/social stuff... I'm afraid of what this will mean for my relationships, but I know it's better than not transitioning. Transitioning is a scary thing for me, but it's by far the better alternative... I wouldn't be able to comfortably be in a relationship at all without physical transition. I'm afraid that I will never be happy with my body, which is very possible. Now that I've started T, I am thinking about my body all the time and I can hardly live with the genital dysphoria I'm getting. Without having a real, functioning penis, I will always be unhappy... So going into this is just choosing the lesser of two evils.
I'm just afraid that I'll be unhappy with myself. But all the while, I know I didn't have an inch of self-respect prior to this. There's no way I'll be less happy on the other side. I'm hoping to achieve some level of self-respect and happiness, which is always what we should strive for. I urge anyone considering transition to really think about this: Yes, there are cons to physical transition. Things can go wrong. Things will most likely not go exactly as you wanted. Things are rarely ideal. But how does that compare to how your life would be without it? That's what's important, ultimately.
(I've rambled on and on but I needed to vent...)
Quote from: Farm Boy on September 16, 2010, 04:13:26 PM
I made a post about my fears a few days ago, but this covers it pretty well. Also, am I the odd one out who's actually afraid of becoming straight? I know it's a silly thing to be afraid of, but I like guys, and want to continue liking guys. Eh.
As far as your likes/dislikes and your personality changing though, it's not going to change you into a different person. You may relate to things differently, but T can't change who you are as a person.
Actually I am scared of becoming straight as well. Well not so much scared, I don't think that will actually happen!
I think my biggest fear is how I think and anylze situations. If I go bald or I gain 50 pounds then whatever, that doesn't effect how I make decisions or how I go about things. I think critically in everything I do. I think about the ups and the downs. If I don't agree with someone I can see there point of view and understand and respect that. I would be traumatized if how I thought changed. Thats the only thing I like about myself, is my ability to anylize things and think about consiquences before I act most of the time.
I'm just at the point where I'm going to see if my doctor will check my hormones to see if they, including testosterone, are even within the normal *female* level. I don't want my family doctor to think anything...well, that might make him want to send me to a therapist, right now.
I want the lowered voice, the change in fat distribution to fit my (rather thick for my height) bone structure, no periods, and junk growth.
I don't want facial hair. Maybe the fact that none of my male relatives have ever grown a beard has something to do with why I've never seen having to shave as anything other than a major hassle, and then there's the fact that I'm more male-leaning androgyne than true FTM and beards are a clear sign of definitely-male.
I also want to keep all my head hair, and I'm worried about losing that on any dose of hormones at all, since I've had hair thinning caused by birth control shots and pills that never got back to normal.
Not so worried about the horniness or aggression - when I was on Depo-Provera I got incredibly horny for a while (a week? 2? 3?) after each shot, and when I tried triphasic birth control pills I finally learned why PMS has such a scary reputation - I turned into one incredibly moody, er, cow. Went off those right quick, but I know how to tell that it's just the drug talking and I'm not losing my mind.
I don't expect that I'd turn straight, as in liking girls, but I could probably deal with it if I did. I mean, they are decent to look at, I've just never really desired a relationship with one, but I don't think I'd stop liking guys. I think other people would probably have difficulty figuring out what was "straight" and what was "gay" for me anyways. So "bi" is easier than explaining how a born-female mostly-androgyne-but-more-male-than-female thinks that liking guys makes them gay. (on second thought, maybe I shouldn't be so scared of getting sent off to a therapist...if there exists any that I wouldn't just confuse the hell out of.)
I fear changing and not changing.
I fear not liking how I turn out.
I fear I will turn into my father.
I fear being someone else.
But my biggest fear of all is turning into something that my SO cannot be comfortable with. She has a past that I cannot change and I fear that though she is still attracted to men, it won't be enough to continue to make her feel safe.
I fear giving this all up.
I fear living a lie.
I fear losing my SO.
I fear my fears.
Quote from: Hazard "AJ" on September 16, 2010, 05:23:21 PM
I dunno why i scared for.. But i like being a loving caring person and like to talk about my fillings as it makes it easyer, i would like that fact that it might make me stick up for myself. But i ave 6 nephews and a niace (sorry if spelled wrong) and 2 of my nephews im very close to epeserley the youngest whos 2..i love that boy like his my own. i smile every time i see him.. I hope that that wont change after T... Im just scared of alot of things.. Im scared of what people will think i scare that i will change in someways that im a jackass a lose some of my family ect ect... I couldnt think of my world without my sisters kids. and her youngest means everythink to me. Like i said im prob being stuped... But i am also scared of outside changes. I want a deep voice and faceal hair and mans figger Now but what if i dont 5/10 years down the line. then thats it i will never be the person i am today. I want to make sure in 100% on this. Like i said to a friend its like anythink. A cake might look gd but sometimes when u tast it its not what u expected. (U get me) I dunno i fill like a man and i like to be nown as a man. ect ect. and i used to cry about my body all the time. but now not really altho i have to wear a binder everytime i leave the house. when i see my chest it dont really bother me...u now..i dunno maybe i should go to my doc again for pro help..
When I wrote "almost or completely losing your "it's small and cute, I want to cuddle it" instincts", I meant stuffed animals, babies you don't know on the streets. Not kids or pets who you already know and have developed a relationship to. For these, you might express less "oooh, it's cute!" than before, but you may still want to take them into your arms and cuddle them.
I wrote somewhat unclearly. There was no difference in the level of my social transition from before T and one year on T.
If testosterone affects you the same way as me, you will still be able to talk about your feelings, but in less words, and for a less long time. When it comes to talking about my feelings, on testosterone, my special feelings vocabulary seems to have shrunken to that of a 5-year-old kid. I tell them in one or two sentences and then get out of words and cannot talk more without repeating myself. Less metaphors come to my mind which I can translate into words. But I can still use non-verbal skills to transmit the feelings: gesture, mimics etc.
Quote from: Vince on September 17, 2010, 02:36:35 AM
I'm on T, but I'm still scared. A lot of my fears are... vain, but here they are:
In terms of appearance:
- Balding is my biggest fear. But I'll cross that bridge when/if I get to it.
My biggest fear as well. Apart from a very hairy back. Yes, and hair started growing on my back. Ewww...
Quote from: Vince on September 17, 2010, 02:36:35 AM
- Being extremely - and I mean extremely - hairy. I want facial hair and body hair, but I don't want to be a bear. I don't think many men want to be bears because a lot of them remove some of their body hair... Chest hair, ass hair, etc. It's just not pleasing.
Hair or no hair is just a question of fashion. Not more than that. Though I hate pubic hair on balls and pussies, as it tends to be nasty for oral sex, when it gets stuck between teeth or gets on your tongue...
The 60ies and 70ies were the decade of the hairy guys in Hollywood movies, such as Sean Connery (There's more extreme examples than him, but I don't recall their names). These were also the decades where women did not shave their pubic hair, as body hair was - ya know? sexy:
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fapi.ning.com%2Ffiles%2FbIqKM%2AMg8H431HF8Z7YTq6XNbvaU9cprrUTENQW0mEf%2AWy5nDlwostih0BblP4BS%2Ay5TlxUFxsDRGNHAimeZ0niH23pSh1pK%2Fseanconnery.jpg&hash=4731fe3145a339cabb53ad8ce0d227c3b11527ee)
Sean Connery
At the moment, it's more the rather hairless type which is in fashin (Leonardo Di Caprio):
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimstars.aufeminin.com%2Fstars%2Ffan%2Fleonardo-dicaprio%2Fleonardo-dicaprio-20070123-201912.jpg&hash=87531a9f700452c2a6977a807759fddc3125ebd4)
Let's add though, that the latter example is more the Hollywood ideal for a young man and the former for a middle-aged one (I personally think that both look hot). I don't know which way you swing (or will swing once on testosterone for a while). Most women honestly don't care much how hairy a guy is, though hair on your back is often not considered sexy. Now about the guys, some don't care, some want you hairy, some don't want much hair on you, so to sum it up, it does not matter.
Quote from: Vince on September 17, 2010, 02:36:35 AM
- Being too "small" forever. And I don't mean downstairs, in this instance. My hands are tiny. My head is rather small. I just feel like a little kid, and looking down at my tiny hands and tiny feet really freaks me out. I don't want to be perceived as a little kid.
You cannot change the size of your head or hands. But they will look different cause of fat redistribution, muscle upbuild and getting hair. You won't be perceived as a little kid (unless you have a very rare physical disorder causing your body not to respond on testosterone). However, once through with male puberty, you may probably be considered 7 or 8 years younger than you are. And if you already look much younger than you are - as a female - that is - add both effects. You will rather be perceived as a little kid if you stay off t and still pass for male, as female bodies can pass for males pre-puberty if at all in society. Testosterone will just make you "grow up" then in terms of what society sees in you. You might also perceive your body as "growing up" after a long childhood slumber.
Quote from: Vince on September 17, 2010, 02:36:35 AM
- My face becoming extremely unflatteringly "caveman-esque" (although no one in my family looks this way, so it's crazy and unfounded...) or not masculine enough...
First of all, caveman-esque faces can be sexy or at least interesting depending on the individual and the observer's personal taste. So there's nothing wrong with them. Hell, I'd love to get... okay this gets off-topic and pornographic here. So I'll stop right now and get back on topic.
Then, I don't know your age, but your basic bone structure is built during your teenage years, how squary your jawline is, much of the bulgyness of your eyebrows, nose shape, shape of your skull etc... ask the trans women here they can tell you this in heart-breaking detail. Once adult, from testosterone you may get slightly bulging eyebrows and a somewhat thicker jawbone (not square, just thick) etc. But unless you go on testosterone at the start of puberty, there's almost no chance your face will end up looking like Schwarzenegger's in Conan (before his "FFS" or how you call it). You can see his body got run over by testo during puberty cause of his facial bone structure, and he probably has "caveman-face genetics" as well. Sorry I did not find any other "caveman"-like actor and we all know that Schwarzenegger probably got a surplus of hormones during his bodybuilding career. Plus he had a diet and exercise routine resulting in a low percentage of fat in his body, which makes his facial characteristics even more masculine:
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.zap2it.com%2Fmedia%2Fphoto%2F2008-08%2F41599767.jpg%3Ftitle%3DArnold%2BSchwarzenegger%2Bas%2B%2527Conan%2Bthe%2BBarbarian%2527&hash=19023253acba8bbd4c68e21f1e8c354f2de66935)
You'll rather look like one of the guys in Lynn Conway's gallery of "successful transmen" (source: http://ai.eecs.umich.edu/people/conway/TSsuccesses/TransMen.html (http://ai.eecs.umich.edu/people/conway/TSsuccesses/TransMen.html)):
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fai.eecs.umich.edu%2Fpeople%2Fconway%2FTSsuccesses%2FFtM%2FShannonMinter.jpg&hash=2c25cf2efe7267b69e00b5c8e53441b8567e0cd2)
Now I only chose examples from European-looking people as I'm from Europe and it's easier for me to judge photos of whites people concerning testo effect. I suck at estimating cis people from other races/ethnicities concerning trans matters/passing/testo effects/average amount of body hair. Plus the body hair on dark-skinned people is less obvious on photos. So these examples might not be very good clues for your case if you're, e. g. Asian or African-American, but the basic effect of testosterone can be seen here very well.
Quote from: Vince on September 17, 2010, 02:36:35 AMAs for psychological/social stuff... I'm afraid of what this will mean for my relationships, but I know it's better than not transitioning. Transitioning is a scary thing for me, but it's by far the better alternative... I wouldn't be able to comfortably be in a relationship at all without physical transition. I'm afraid that I will never be happy with my body, which is very possible. Now that I've started T, I am thinking about my body all the time and I can hardly live with the genital dysphoria I'm getting. Without having a real, functioning penis, I will always be unhappy... So going into this is just choosing the lesser of two evils.
Concerning work-arounds: Have you tried out strap-ons yet? Or fisting? Or the really kinky stuff which goes beyond, say, genital contact etc.? Or the more hippie-tantra-like "I'll massage your whole body for hours but not your genitals until you come" stuff (sorry, I don't know well what tantra sex really really is about but I know that it tends to step out of the usual sex scheme at least as much as BDSM so I just assume here.). Or play around with food and licking up your partner when they're covered in whatever but mustard? Or getting mental orgasms (paraplegics know how to do that, many other people as well, and it's one of the most intense orgasms one can get)? Etc.
Sexuality is a very vast field. Extremely vast. There's dozens of work-arounds for trans people there, but how many of them if any at all work for you I cannot say. Just explore. Mind you, one of my best workarounds is the "autogymnephilia" one. I imagine being a guy who imagines he is female. It's screwed up as hell, but somehow it works and that's what counts. If Blanchard were not so biased, he might find this verrrryyyyy interesting. I'm sure he would dismiss it though, as "females don't have fetishes" :Dand FTMs are females in his eyes :D.
And as cruel as it sounds, many people are not happy with their body. It's just that ... at least in principle the body matches their gender and does not have so many weird parts and parts missing. Some of the trans guys I talked to yet have also said that the penis dysphoria diminishes once the rest of the body matches better, for others it worsened.
Might sound cruel to say it here. But to be completely honest, in the mind of many people, we FTMs end up with a circus freak-like body, no matter what surgeries we perform or not once we're on testosterone. And we don't know how people will treat you for this in 20, 30, 40, 50, 60 years, e. g. in old-age homes. Could you deal with this?