I have been seeing other girls around my area, but I havn't been able to really say anything. I am a little affraid that they may think that I am calling them out or something. Just looking for friends near me that I can talk to. what can I do about this?
Silver cross and wooden stick!
Finding new friends is always a good thing. But perhaps you should look into your existing friends if you want to find someone to talk to.
I would suggest finding a Trans group in your area.
That would be safer and less scary for other girls like us.
Jillieann
I was lucky. I found the website of a post-op woman in my area (well, not too far away), and I emailed her to thank her for all the stuff she posted on her website. This was early in my journey, and I was very glad to be able to read her story. We struck up a friendship by email, and before I knew it, we were meeting in real life. Our friendship extended to real life, and she has since introduced me to two other good friends. The original one has also been a good mentor, and a great help. I would say that if you can approach someone discreetly, and let them know of your journey, you may just find a valuable resource and a good friend. The worst that can happen is that they rebuff your overture, but in that case (assuming it's done nicely), you're no worse off than you are at first. Also, by all means look around for a good trans support group in your area. They can also be a great resource. Good luck!
A simple "Hello, how ya doin'?" with a smile tends to work with most folks trans or not
I have had one bad experence that is why I am asking. I was looking for trans group in Houston. I went to ask a gril queston and just asking offended her. I still look like a man so I think it upset her because I could tell or something that she was trans. I did not even get to ask the queston. I said that I was sorry and walked a way from her.
Quote from: laineyjain on September 20, 2010, 05:14:08 PM
I have had one bad experence that is why I am asking. I was looking for trans group in Houston. I went to ask a gril queston and just asking offended her. I still look like a man so I think it upset her because I could tell or something that she was trans. I did not even get to ask the queston. I said that I was sorry and walked a way from her.
This is possibly why a simple meet and greet or even just a wave and smile is a good starting point
Everyone is different... Some folks are very open while others may be rather uptight
Some will tell you their life's story the moment you meet... Others may take some time to get to know... Still others may be complete recluses
You never know really... So just be a friendly face and don't take it too hard if someone reacts negatively
I agree too it is good to meet other girls in a trans group. A good and safe environment to meet other girls. I think many girls may get scared or offended if a stranger ask them something about trans. Girls work so hard to try to pass in the public and very sensitive about how public sees them... if someone she does't know ask her if she is trans or even some indirect question about trans, its not unusual to expect she may be upset and feel like being spotted or outed in the public.
Tehre is simply no way to politely let a trans person know that you have read them. That's all there is to it. You can't broach the subject. There are avenues for meeting other T peeps in your area, and that's local groups. If there isn't one, start one. Use meetup.com, etc.
What if your like me... Nearly completely isolated... There is no trans group and resources are rather scarce and the only option you have is to randomly meet someone and hope it goes well?
Quote from: Virginia Marie on September 20, 2010, 06:31:17 PM
What if your like me... Nearly completely isolated... There is no trans group and resources are rather scarce and the only option you have is to randomly meet someone and hope it goes well?
Is she wearing a t-shirt that says, "Hi, I'm a ->-bleeped-<-! Ask me about my Hot Mess!" If not, I wouldn't count on it going well. And you might be the reason she slits her wrists later that evening.
Quote from: glendagladwitch on September 20, 2010, 06:33:33 PM
Is she wearing a t-shirt that says, "Hi, I'm a ->-bleeped-<-! Ask me about my Hot Mess!" If not, I wouldn't count on it going well. And you might be the reason she slits her wrists later that evening.
Jeepers... You just have such a way of making folks feel so good and supported by one of the few resources they have :icon_chick:
well I am no specialist, but I would say that you should approach them as a human being. I can tell you that from my own experience, that you will get a lot further with a trans if you use the appropriate reference to gender, I.e., girl, miss, she etc etc. And I dont know about anyone else, but I NEVER giva a man the time of day if he talks to me from his car, that is what john's do,,,,tacky, tacky, tacky
good luck to you! :-*
Quote from: laineyjain on September 20, 2010, 05:14:08 PM
I have had one bad experence that is why I am asking. I was looking for trans group in Houston. I went to ask a gril queston and just asking offended her. I still look like a man so I think it upset her because I could tell or something that she was trans. I did not even get to ask the queston. I said that I was sorry and walked a way from her.
Yes, but who asks a perfect strange a question unless it's street directions? It's a good idea to imagine how it will be way down the track, would you like to be asked questions by some random guy in the street? :)
I agree with Virginia, just be friendly as you would be with anyone else. I also agree with glenda, unless they're wearing a t-shirt that says 'Hi, I'm a ->-bleeped-<-!' besides smiling and saying hello, any questions would be out of the question.
*Orders new top from custom tee shirt place* >:-)
But yeah, the questions can come later after you've made friends and both are comfortable with asking each other questions... Much like a friendship with anyone :)
I've wondered that myself. I have run across a trans woman in the supermarket, but I am unsure about approaching her.
She seems kind enough, but it does seem somewhat rude to go up and say, "Hi! Are you a trans woman? I am too!".
I don't know how I would feel if someone came up to me and said the same thing to me.
Ah well, I'll just let it lie for right now.
-Sandy
I'd wondered this myself, at a Pride march and parade a couple of weeks ago. I settled or the 'knowing and friendly smile' with my fellow trans attendees. Even in a place where we're made to feel safe and proud about who we are, I thought it best to exercise the same social greetings as goths would use. Just because you look a certain way and that person does too, there's not necessarily much in common - unless in gothy circles, you fancy the look of their boots and would like to know where they can be bought. ;)
The benefit here is that it's friendly, but non-committal. Smile to a quite open person and the likelihood is they'll say "hi" back, and thus you have a normal conversation. Otherwise the odds are you'll get a smile back, and then you carry on. I've found that if I see somebody regularly like that, say on the bus, we'll end up talking eventually.
The other day, a Turkish trans woman sat down beside me in the tram, together with a friend of hers who also was trans. She talked with a third, GG woman there, in Turkish, about my endocrinologist (I heard his name in the conversation over and over again). Both trans women had a very good passing in the sense that trans people can spot them, others not. They did not get "read" by anyone else in the tram, and they did not seem to have "read" me either.
I almost felt like I wanted to say something about me being trans as well. But it would have been very rude, like saying "you don't pass as well as you think". So I shut up. We were just a statistically incredibly unlikely amount of trans people in the tram that day.
I don't approach others about it. On the other hand, I do make an effort to appear approachable to others, and generally act as friendly as possible. If I happen to end up talking to another trans woman and she brings up the subject, that's extra cool, but I don't expect it.
Also, I kinda have this mental filter where I assume everyone else is cisgender unless they specifically say otherwise. Basically, I do that to keep from reading people, and it helps with a lot of awkwardness. (Although, in one case, this has kinda funny results. There was a stranger in a sorta authority position, and I had to come out to her for a particular reason, and felt awkward. So I kinda didn't look her in the eyes until the subject came up, then finally brought it up about ten minutes into the conversation, and noticed she was really supportive and knowledgeable about it. Then I realized she was probably trans and I'd been worried for nothing, and at the end of the conversation she basically said she was. I felt a little silly.)
You don't! I mean, if you happen to be looking at the same clothes rack you might say 'hi' or 'excuse me', but that's about it. We know it's generally easy to spot another trans person, but then again not. I've heard of gg's who get misgendered at times. All in all, I think I'll treat a person as a person, regardless.
Personally I live and let live. When you approach someone who you believe to be trans, you are in effect outing them. Would you wish to be outed?
I agree with Janet and Dee.
Unless they have a tee shirt or other piece of clothing that reads I am trans.... then you are outing them.
And none of us like to outed? Right.
I know I don't.
I was embarrassed and hurt when I was outed.
Jillieann
Quote from: Janet Lynn on September 22, 2010, 12:11:38 AM
Personally I live and let live. When you approach someone who you believe to be trans, you are in effect outing them. Would you wish to be outed?
THIS
I have had people in the past, approach me with and were sincere in wanting to understand trans. Out me or not, in that case I really don't care and welcome their questions. It is better they ask then go on not understanding because people fear what they dont understand
At our local VFW we have one person who is transitioning and the other day he came in and was sitting at the bar so I just sat down next to him and started a conversation. I never mentioned any thing about gender, just chatted about every day things.
stephanie
I think that all of you are right. Thanks for the advice. I have been thinking about starting a group here in Missouri. All of this is a little wierd to me because I was happy to realize that I am trans yet there are so many things that I do not understand about being trans. I havn't been in public as a woman yet. Even with in the trans communty there is a veriation of likes and dislikes among us. When I was in Houston the group there was so great to me I felt at home, however; sence I came back to Missouri I miss that sence of family that I felt down there. Every time I see someone here I wish that I knew them so that I could talk to them. I thing that I am just going to be friendly and hope for more. Thanks for being like family here as well I am not sure how I would get along without you all.
Ha! I was in a library one day (that's not unusual for me) and a woman came up to me and said in a loud voice,
"Hi, I'm Jasmine. I'm transsexual too!"
Um, Ok.
Her friend (who apparently was also transsexual) was tugging at her sleeve and saying that they had to do laundry.
Hi Laineyjain,
.
While I can agree with the "people don't want to be outed" part, why don't you try the opposite in as subtle a manner as possible when talking with them?
.
For instance, I'm still in male mode at work and when I have to be around family. The only thing that I wear that could out me is a necklace on a long string (so it's easily hidden under my work shirt) with a transgender symbol on it. If I want someone to know, all I have to do is wear it over my shirt rather than under. I don't have to say a thing about being trans. Just say hi, or whatever friendly greeting I would normally use. That gives them the choice of whether or not to reach out to me, it doesn't out them so they don't feel threatened, and it's not verbally spoken about which may make some wary of strangers who may be listening.
.
In smaller/rural communitites, it can be a lot more difficult to meet people. As a community, trans people don't really have the sublte tells that parts of the gay community often uses, so I guess we have to improvise a little.
.
Anyway, that's my suggestion for what it's worth. Good luck with meeting people around your area.
.
Kay
thanks Kay. What kind of symbol and where do I get one?
You can get them online... Just do a search for transgender symbol necklace and take your pick of the one you like ;D
The one Dee posted is rather nice :)
Dee covered it pretty well above.
They're cheaper on e-bay (under $5 shipping included),
but that pink one does look rather nice. :)
I thought that was the symbol, but I thought that there might be some others as well. I like making things I might just make myself one.
I've been getting into jewelry making lately... It was because my puka shell necklace broke and I wanted to fix it
Well I fixed it and everyone I've shown it to was impressed so now I'm getting into making more things ;D
Sorry for the thread drift... LOL
I think an accessory with a transgender symbol is a great way to signal your openness to being approached by other trans and cis people about the subject and if you generally don't mind the attention or even welcome it :)
I imagine it still can easily turn into a 'safety device', something you hide behind if you're outed.
I wouldn't approach someone I think (might) be trans unless I receive hints that it's welcome and then I'd be still lost on how to initiate that contact.
But once something weird happened, I was on the train and there was this person who I thought was trans sitting on the opposite side. All there was is eye contact and that seemed to be enough, no words needed to be said. I don't know if it's just what I wanted to see.
No problem the thred drift was good. I have spint the day carving the symble into a flat stone. It looks pretty good to me. Put the hole for the necklace to go through is a bit hard it is going to take a little time for that.
Quote from: laineyjain on September 20, 2010, 03:37:03 PM
I have been seeing other girls around my area, but I havn't been able to really say anything. I am a little affraid that they may think that I am calling them out or something. Just looking for friends near me that I can talk to. what can I do about this?
Hi Lainey,
Approach a tans person the same way you would approach a cis gendered person. I can't speak for everyone else but I just want to be treated as normal. Whatever you do if you think you see someone in public that is trans don't out them. Depending on the person you can probably just walk up to the person and start a conversation, just be polite.
Natalie