Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I'm sure we've all felt this at one point or another: the pressure to conform to roles, attitudes, activities, etc. associated with our birth sex.  How has this affected you?  Has it been much of a problem for you?  From family, friends, strangers? 

For me, it's not been much of a problem.  My (immediate) family hasn't pressured me to be feminine, and most of my friends just accept me as I am.  Some casual friends and acquaintances (read: schoolmates) have tried to "fix" me because they thought I was too tomboyish, but it only ever amused me.  I always thought it was ridiculous that I should fit into their little box, whatever my gender was. 

I did once have a "friend"/employer who felt I was far too 'unkempt' and poorly dressed since I wore male clothes and only washed and brushed my hair (and he sure wasn't shy about saying so) and kept offering to give me a makeover, which I kept politely declining.  It eventually got to the point that he essentially said "change yourself and be girly or consider yourself out of a job."  Let's just say I left and never saw him again.

So for me, the pressure only made me surer that it was wrong for me, and made my public rejection of it easier.  How about you?

i consider myself happy to be left alone with my appearance/manners and stuff, most people don't seem to actually think in those awful boxes there are. but i also feel that it's something that makes it harder for me to approach my issues.
i can't even grasp what exactly it is, though....

I was always pressured and tried to fight against it on some levels but on other levels I was just so afraid of the people around me that I conformed just to feel safe. I guess the hardest thing about it was lying about my true feelings for so many years because I was afraid of how my father would react...

As a kid it was easy for me. My mom was a housewife and at the same time a second-wave anti-porno etc. feminist (???). She thought I should have the freedom to be myself without putting me into gender boxes. And my dad had grown up with a cross-dressing tomboy sister kid in the 50ies/early 60ies who later turned out to be a butch lesbian (as a kid, she always wore male carnival costumes, mexicans, cowboys etc. whenever she could, she had at least a dozen of them. This was the only "male" option offered to her by her mom and she made a lot of fuss whenever anyone tried to stuff her into a dress - meanwhile I suspect she's not just butch, but trans, there's a lot of clues for that...). My dad thought I was like his sister and would become lesbian and he did not worry about me. Whenever anybody else then said to me I had to act like a girl etc. I just got angry and said I did not care and did whatever I wanted. I played with both girl and boy toys at that time, did not always mind wearing dresses but usually refused them, and did risky stuff such as climbing up high trees etc.

I was the only French immigrant kid I knew of, among Germans and Turkish etc. kids, and I thought that me being raised as a girl though I was a boy was maybe a ... French thing to do with boys, if you did not want your boy to be pressured into strict gender boxes too early. Cause boys get much more pressure there. And therefore my parents denied that I was male though I knew I was. I played the game though, as I enjoyed being less pressured than my male pals. And maybe some French male kids had something wrong between their legs anyway and this would become normal later.

Then puberty hit and with it, the pressure to conform. My body really developed into the body of a woman. ->-bleeped-<-. My mom outed me as lesbian, making a huge scene with bursting into tears and "I don't want you to become a lesbian" before I was myself aware that I was in love with this girl. I was so shocked at the moment, I did not know how to react. It was at a time of my life where I was suicidal anyway, for other reasons. Never talked to my mom again about this, but it shunned me away from wearing male clothes for a long time... did not want to be confused with my aunt. Did not want any other scene at home. I'm no lesbian. I'm bi. And I'm a guy. If lesbians wore male clothes, then boys in female bodies probably didn't do this I thought. So I went for drag-like and neutral clothes.

Everybody in my class took dance courses, but I just couldn't. I found it silly that the boys had to dance it differently than the girls anyway. But I found it completely unacceptable to learn the female dancing steps there. I just could not stomach this. At home, I got a lot of ->-bleeped-<- from mom for my "male body language", she meant well and just wanted me to fit in better. I got very angry at her for her remarks. Dated a guy, but this did not make me any more feminine. I was clumsy, and she suggested to me I should take ballet courses to get a better body language. She was right, I was clumsy and I got her point and found a martial arts course and asked her to pay for it. God was she angry. Martial arts are not for girls, much too brutal. (????) I told her I want to defend myself and be less clumsy and didn't she as a feminist want me to be able to defend myself? And then she went like okay, grudgingly.

Hate all those useless fights with my mother in teenage years. She just couldn't cope with the fact that I did not evolve from a tomboy into a "woman" as she had in mind but just - into me, as I was. My dad never made trouble there, he often kept out of this silly fight or did not know it happened, and sometimes tried to temper my mom.

Late teens to mid-twenties. Moved out of home as soon as I could. Still behaved however I wanted, but still wore either androgynous or female stuff. Then again, some of that female stuff was really hot to wear. Outed myself as trans to a couple of persons, but that was no big deal there, as many of them were at least genderqueer.

Mid-twenties to 30 Met a guy I fell in love with. Really nice guy, but close-minded, homophobic straight... need I say more? I am still angry at myself for having dated him at all, it was a waste of time for both of us. He kind of hindered me from... being me. But I could never be the woman he wanted. It just did not work. He even came to me with a dance course for both of us, I refused it, told him I cannot imagine a dance course where the steps are different for men than for women and I make the female steps. He was like: ??? Etc.

At work, was in female attire, but not normal, rather extreme, drag-like stuff. Sometimes even my boss had to grin as my body language etc. was really male and I looked like a drag queen in these dresses. And I told him, I'm not really a female and cannot be that, I'm just who I am and cannot hide it away. He did not know exactly what was going on but could sense it.

Since then:

Started transition. Much of this crap got a lot better since. Occasionally I miss the opportunity to wear drag, but it's not a strong feeling...

This is a really difficult question for me to answer simply.

The very core of my essence relies deeply on what makes sense and being objective and impartial to everything until I have sufficient experience/information to really form an unbiased opinion. However that same part of me, is very weak to the fact that there are alot of people in the world that just do not make sense, or get hung up on impressions burned into their psyche early on in their lives that continue on without every being challenged by them.

However where I grew up, in the time I am growing up, there was alot of social pressure on everyone else to be open-minded and objective. So for the longest time I never ran into social pressure, instead I even got praised for "not caring about what other people thought", for being "so unique" and "being myself". Enough comments like that, and I naively assumed that people were honestly opened-minded.

That is, until I actually verbally stated that I was a guy. Nothing about my behavior had changed, I presented the exact same as always; still binding, still cutting my hair short, still wearing male clothes. But for some reason, it was at the moment that I verbally said "I am a guy" that I felt the real social pressure to conform. :T

I've felt more of a pressure to conform to the gender I identify as. Now that I think of it, I never felt pressure to conform as female/woman/girl.

Quote from: Nygeel on September 22, 2010, 07:59:19 PM
I've felt more of a pressure to conform to the gender I identify as. Now that I think of it, I never felt pressure to conform as female/woman/girl.

Nygeel beat me to it.  Not counting the occasional "you have to wear this dress" incident, no one ever pushed me into makeup, fashion, babies, etc.  I do, however, feel pressure to be stereotypically macho when I'm making more of an effort to present as male.  I don't know if it's overcompensation for female traits I can't control or a reaction to not feeling "trans enough".

I posted this whole thing and then cyberspace ate it >.>

Basically, I have felt this pressure to conform. The worst was when I was hitting puberty the stupid ass of a doctor that my mom would take me to started giving me female hormone shots, "in my best interest" to make sure I "developed like the other girls". Long story on that but it was hell for several months until I had a total breakdown and told my mom there was no way in hell I was ever seeing that guy again.

Before about age 13 I was just being myself, which was totally male and always has been. My mom never really liked it. She tried to get me in a dress a handful of times or would say things like, "act like a little lady". Hated that. We fought big time when it came to things like that. But both my parents never discouraged me from doing activities or just being myself otherwise.

In middle school/high school I got picked on by a lot of kids because they would find out my name or see that I had to use the girl's bathroom and then totally make fun of me because I looked like a guy. I imagine that is a type of pressure ... I guess some people would try to avoid it by "fitting in" more. I just beat people up and hung out with goth kids who accepted me 100% how I was (still love them all to this day for that).

College was pretty cool in that no one cared. Of course it was art school, in Los Angeles. None of my employers cared either (of course that was working in a record store and doing stage lighting).

Today I really don't get a lot of pressure from anymore. My mom will drop an annoying comment here and there but that's about it. I married someone who accepts me for who I am, so that's all good.

Now on another note, on the flipside I think there can be pressure to conform to the male role as well. But I think a lot of that pressure might just be self-inflicted. I've caught myself doing it over the years. Now, not so much but I've gotten comfortable with a great many things.

I put "other" because I'm not certain.

My parents never pressured me to be anything other than me, regardless of what "me" was.  I will say there were some things they didn't want me to do because they didn't want me to hurt myself, and I can't blame them for that because I have always been physically weaker than most of the people in my life because of nerve and muscle damage so I guess I sort of "conformed" and did certain things/didn't do certain things because I just couldn't do it. 

Society seemed to try to pressure me to be anything other than me and I went through different phases, but they were never the "popular" things at the time...I never felt pressured to try to be some skinny girl or to do girl things (it helped I had very few friends and I moved so often that I was constantly trying to make new friends and I would lose old friends).  I was more into my studies and being with my family, who let me dress how I want and act how I want within reason.  I would wear dresses because I liked to wear them (and I still harbor a secret passion for wearing victorian gowns) and it would also make my mom happy--she liked it when I dressed up and let her do my make-up and we could be all girly with one-another (which she really couldn't do with my sister because my sister was more of a tom-boy with me).

However, now that I'm on my own I'm very aware of what the culture is like in my area and what it expects of me.  It expects to either be a tom-boy or a girly-girl and I'm neither.  It expects to get married young and to pop out kids, which I refuse to do.  It expects me to be in one gender-role, which I'm not comfortable with but I do stay within the "female" gender box to keep from being harassed and to keep up appearances here...I do want to be accepted, but I mostly want to be able to get a good job and that means not coming off as too different to the people I'm in contact with.

I've gotten pressure on both sides of the fence. Before coming out I'd constantly hear stuff like "you walk/sit/stand like a man, stop it!" and I didn't hear the end of it for weeks off my current partner when I bought a college bag from a mens store ::) "what if you run in to a guy with the same bag as you and he tells everyone it's a man bags omgah" - this particular incident baffled me completely, who would honestly give a flying monkey?

Then after coming out all my femmy traits are pulled in to question. Now I hear stuff like "you can't wear makeup you're a guy!" - "you can't have stuffed animals you're a guy!" etc etc

Why can't people just live and let live, it's ridiculous

For most of my entire life I was pressured to conform to the male idea.  But at 54, I finally quit conforming.  Now I am conform onlt to my idea of how this woman is to be.

When  I was in elementary and middle school, I had some pretty mean female classmates who did make fun of my mannerisms, and that I acted male. They pressured me into being more feminine mostly in middle school. I was trying to be less of an anti-social "bookworm" and they influenced my behavior through some minor bullying.  :(
Fortunately, I don't talk to any of them anymore, especially since we have different classes. Now I'm able to be myself again.
My family used to pressure me through buying feminine clothes for me, and gifts tended to be girly. As I've gotten older, the pressure has become a lot less than it was.

Quote from: Eli on September 22, 2010, 07:48:26 PM


That is, until I actually verbally stated that I was a guy. Nothing about my behavior had changed, I presented the exact same as always; still binding, still cutting my hair short, still wearing male clothes. But for some reason, it was at the moment that I verbally said "I am a guy" that I felt the real social pressure to conform. :T

ah, that's exactly where i was heading. everythings fine until you dare giving the child a name, or something^^

I'm slightly confused why the poll is mutiple choice, but at the same time I want to pick two conflicting answers.

Most of the childhood i remember my mother basically forced me to be her 'little girl', me only knowing that I wasn't supposed to play with the boys for the most part (i had 1 male friend before preteen years, and he left my school after kindergarten) and should be pretty and make everyone think everything is great
[there's a bit of abuse/neglect along with this. I don't know why my mind wants to blend the two, but my memory is weird and I seem to think things that i KNOW happend in 3rd happend in 2nd]

The bits/pieces I remember between 9/10 to 13 mostly gender-neutral except things insisted by mother (most of my wardrobe was pink/purple, but mostly neutral styles/cuts with a few things that could be consitered 'flamboyantly gay')

Freshman year = denial.
What more can i say?
Biggest presure to conform, or at least meet gender roles [scene kid lesbo. *eyeroll* fail at style]

I've gotten rid of most of those clothes now.
hitting 'varied', since things shifted. im  not sure if anything i say made sense

When I was 7 I started being a tomboy, and for about a year no one seemed to care. Then, I guess, family members stopped finding it 'cute' and started harassing me to dress more girly. They'd always say "When are you going to grow out of this and start dressing like a lady?", etc. Luckily, I can be stubborn at times and refused to change.

Not only did my family members constantly pester me but kids at school were starting to make fun. I was bullied for many different reasons, my weight, my financial situation, the way I dressed etc. Eventually I started to crack a little; all I wanted was to fit in so I let my mom take me to an incredibly girly, trendy store and got a few things. It was a huge mistake, I felt so awkward and uncomfortable. Then puberty hit and that awkwardness and discomfort tripled, I felt like complete crap.

Then my mom started dating some hippie, I'll call him Jerkface. Jerkface came from an extremely conservative, old fashioned family which is really just an excuse to treat women like crap. He constantly belittled me and verbally abused me about everything, especially my clothes. I remember wasting 45 min once, on an argument with him. He wanted me to wear a dress for Christmas and I refused. I was 12, I didn't own any dresses and if I did I sure as hell wasn't going to wear it for him.

In high school I stopped trying to conform, I had made up my mind to stop caring about what people thought of my clothing. I made some cool friends and came out as a lesbian to explain my 'butch' behavior. I would later hear about trans people and realized that's what I truly am.

Nowadays people rarely say anything, though every now and then my friend's mom offers to take me to the mall and buy me 'something nice'. I just politely decline, and it's not much of an issue.

I basically just gave my life story haha. To put it briefly, I was pressured before but now I'm free. (sort of)

I've always been a bit of a tomboy. When I was in kindergarten, I pretended that I was Joan of Arc (really just an excuse to be allowed to go around with a toy sword togetehr with the other guys), I used to wrestle with the boys, and I HATED it when mother braided my long hair. This was necessary, as it would get tangled in everything if it wasn't braided. It still got tangled, though... Then I continued being a tomboy, until I was... 10 or something. Then, I started trying to act a little bit more feminine, wearing skirts occasionally. But I never liked it.
I switched schools when I was 13, became bullied, became the subject of rumours ("hey... that girl who always wears black, doesn't wear makeup and never wears a bra, she's crazy..."). I repressed the feelings of disgust and horror at my body, repressed the feeling that all this "girl" stuff was a big, elaborate act. I realized that I was attracted to girls and felt horrible about it, since this was a Catholic school with a good reputation.
Now I'm in a new school, I'm not bullied and I look slightly more like I "should have had". This short hair is really helping! :)

I was too thick to conform at first, and then did it to escape catty girl meanness. The meanness just kept coming, until I switched schools. In my previous school, they used to mock me and call me "->-bleeped-<-". Well, I guess they knew before I did.

I percieved more pressure than was likely actually there. I did girly things because I thought I had to even if nobody told me I had to. I refrained from things that I thougth were "masculine" in many cases. Or that's my memory, parents say I used to be a "tomboy." I never really liked "manly girls" so naturally it would be unpleasant to consider myself a part of a group I disliked (they were mean to me. . .)

Anyway, once I started really considering myself male I didn't feel so much pressure, because I have nothing against any group of guys (likely because they didn't pick on me lol) so I feel a lot freer now. I went through a period when puberty hit of trying to be girly, got jewelry and clothes but I was never really that good at it. Sort of always a social reject with them, I never had "it." I tried, I failed, I am much happier this way. So. . . in a way. Voted "other."

Once I started to think of myself with a more male identity I got pretty irritated with my mom trying to enforce the female role, the "girls don't do this" crap. I didn't listen, finally she has shut up about it. Glad I never got that when I was a kid.

I picked; I did not feel much pressure but often conformed to avoid getting called out

In hindsight, I'm not sure if it's the right one.
I don't know how much pressure there was.
I do not remember feeling too pressured.

I was fine until the school pressured my father into pressuring me. Before that identity wasn't the issue at home and I loved school as long as it had no people.


That last part is a long story but I love academics and hate socializing in any form.

To be honest the worst pressure I felt was what I put on myself.  At least in regards to being feminine.  When I was in my teens and even earlier I really wanted to be one of those pretty girls in the dresses with long shining hair who everyone admired.  I tried my best but truth be told it never felt right.  The dresses just fit weird and not because of my height but because they felt wrong.  The long hair just didn't work with my face somehow even though I spend so much time in front of a mirror doing my best.  Makeup felt like clown paint and when I attempted grace I usually ended up head over heels.

This went in cycles pretty much.  I would read a fashion model magazine decide that I wasn't trying hard enough to be feminine and then I would go through all the steps to make it so.  Then it would all feel wrong wrong wrong from head to toe like I was wearing an elaborate costume that was made for someone else.  Eventually all this deception would get tiring and I would go back to being a rag muffin tomboy.  Unfortunately that didn't feel right either and because I was so twisted by my mother that I couldn't think straight I would decide the unease was because I wasn't being enough of a girl.  Instead of the correct answer which was that I was actually a boy.  Eventually I figured it out.  Better late than never.

I hope that makes sense.  At least it made sense in my head.  lol   

Squirrel - that's totally my experience. I tried to be one of the pretty girls, and when I look back at pictures I really was, but it never felt right at the time...I always looked at myself in the mirror and saw a boy in a dress, a boy with makeup. And I never could walk gracefully, especially in heels. I walk like a man.

Looking back, it's really strange how I distorted my own perceptions. I assumed the feeling I got looking at pretty girls was that I wanted to look like them, and the feeling I got looking at attractive guys was that I wanted to sleep with them. The reality is that I just think pretty girls are pretty. And with guys it's more complicated, but i think I've mostly sorted out the difference between the types of guys I want to sleep with and the type of guys I want to be.

I never really felt pressured to conform until high school. I once got called "it" because of the way I dressed (masculinely), although I hadn't identified as a transman then. I almost got into a fight about that one. After that I tried to conform to some extent, at least in the way I dressed. After I left high school I didn't dress to conform to societal standards anymore. When I came out as trans in my second year of college, I felt instant pressure from my LGBT friends to conform as male, to transition and everything, and I wasn't ready for that yet. My parents never were very "pushy" about the topic until I came out as trans to them. They most definitely want me to conform as a woman, to that I told them I will not do. I know they won't kick me out for not conforming to their standards (I hope), but I wish I could go further with transitioning while living with them since I do not have a job.

Wow, thanks for all the responses everyone!  It's been really interesting to read them, especially the ones about pressure from yourself and pressure to be stereotypically like your identified gender.  I hadn't even thought of that.