This is directed at everyone/anyone who would like to answer. I'm utterly terrified about not passing. Terrified about getting judged. Though I am already "out", for the most part; my hair is girly, my figure has changed from hormones, my skin has softened, I am still terrified, so I only go out part time. I'm even so scared that I am afraid to post a picture of myself on here.
How do you get over these feelings? I seem to be soooo critical of myself, that I shoot myself down from even the most confident of moods. So again, any suggestions on how I can conquer these feelings?
Quote from: SamanthaFLA on September 25, 2010, 01:15:30 PM
This is directed at everyone/anyone who would like to answer. I'm utterly terrified about not passing. Terrified about getting judged. Though I am already "out", for the most part; my hair is girly, my figure has changed from hormones, my skin has softened, I am still terrified, so I only go out part time. I'm even so scared that I am afraid to post a picture of myself on here.
How do you get over these feelings? I seem to be soooo critical of myself, that I shoot myself down from even the most confident of moods. So again, any suggestions on how I can conquer these feelings?
I live Female full time and I can tell you that there are times I am TERRIFIED. Especially when there is a bombshell GG i have to deal with, but I do it and usually the fear in my mind is really unfounded.... Like people that fear being hurt in a relationship and do everything they can to avbboid ever becoming close to anyone to prevent hurt that hasn't even happened yet... and by not allowing others to see oour vulnerabilities we miss out on the chance to love and be loved....might not make sense but I think that you can transpose the variables to your own situation and hopefully it will help you...
Quote from: SamanthaFLA on September 25, 2010, 01:15:30 PM
This is directed at everyone/anyone who would like to answer. I'm utterly terrified about not passing. Terrified about getting judged. Though I am already "out", for the most part; my hair is girly, my figure has changed from hormones, my skin has softened, I am still terrified, so I only go out part time. I'm even so scared that I am afraid to post a picture of myself on here.
How do you get over these feelings? I seem to be soooo critical of myself, that I shoot myself down from even the most confident of moods. So again, any suggestions on how I can conquer these feelings?
I don't have any answers apart from just going out and living your life, at least that's what I did. You have to put the critical things that you see out of your mind and see what reactions you get in public. People will affirm you as female perhaps all the time, some of the time or if you are really unlucky none of the time. I had a few comments and looks when I started my transition and RLT but you have to remember this is about transition. The very word means turning from one to other. At the start, even in the middle of transition you may get that look that clocks you but in the end you have to live your life.
Stardust
When I discovered my girl side, I told myself that I wanted to do this with the sole intention of stepping out and interacting with the outside public. This is, of course, in contrast with a lot of other TG folk (that I've met and interacted with) who start off really slow and perhaps started dressing in the comfort of their own homes.
How did I overcome not passing? By doing something ridiculous and out of my comfort zone that wouldn't allow me to back out of it once it happened.
The first real time I was out, with makeup, socks filled with rice for breasts, and a man bag, was at Disneyland. One of my friends was celebrating her birthday at Disneyland and she invited a huge group of people to go with her and encouraged them to wear goth or pirate clothing. I wanted to do neither, so I told my friend who's a stylist/makeup artist that "I want to be androgynous and go to Disneyland!" Long story short, I went as an androgyne, used the men's restroom much to the confusion of many of the guys there, heard lots of "Oh my god"s, and came away unscathed. Yes, I absolutely did not pass. My makeup on my face only subtly highlighted my feminine features but I still looked predominantly as a boy with slight protrusions on my chest. My group accepted me for who I was, without consequence, and enjoyed a wonderful time hanging around the happiest place on earth.
Was I terrified? You bet. I was having second thoughts when I was getting ready for the whole thing the morning of the event. But I told myself I was doing this to learn how to be confident and to be stronger. If I backed out, I would only disappoint myself. And so I pushed through and had a great time and met new friends in the process.
Wow guys, thanks for the fast responses, they are all very insightful. Lexine, that sounds absolutely TERRIFYING. What did you do afterward? Did you go out more frequently with more confidence? It's also things like you described that terrify me. Which bathroom do I use if I NEED to go to the bathroom? Would I pass well enough to use the women's? Or should I completely out myself and go to men's? Of course ideally, I wouldn't need to use the restroom; but details like that fill my brain.
I'm sure most, if not all of us have gone through similar thoughts, and I'm interested to see how more of you handled it. Again thanks for the replies, they are helping me a lot.
Quote from: SamanthaFLA on September 25, 2010, 01:44:11 PM. Which bathroom do I use if I NEED to go to the bathroom?
HEre is what i do....If I am at a gay club or establishment ill use the womens bathroom...however, if i am out in the general public, I will ALWAYS suck it up and use the mens,,,,,, why you ask. Because, I want to avoid having some parent see me come out of the womens and their maybe having a kid in the restroom,,,,awkward....besides i get a real kick out of the looks on mens faces when they see me at the urinal relieving myself!!! Besides, people arent stupid, I mean people in stores call me sir, refer to me as he, his him blah blah blah....... maybe its cuz Im like 6 feet tall barefoot, which is why I dont normally wear any kind of heel,,,,when I do it is to have fun being like a sky scraped out in public,,,,my 5 inch heels make me a 6 foot 4 inch tall gurl!!! Taller than most of the men,,,and I have fun with it cuz men really trip on that....having to look up, literally, to a woman
Well let's handle some of these questions one at a time:
Quote from: SamanthaFLA on September 25, 2010, 01:44:11 PM
Did you go out more frequently with more confidence?
Absolutely. I told my best friend that I had a lot of fun presenting as an androgyne that I want to go all the way and present as a girl because I wanted to see how well I passed. She laughed and I've been going out at least once a week en femme since. The only issue I had at the time was what restroom to use. But...
Quote from: SamanthaFLA on September 25, 2010, 01:44:11 PM
Which bathroom do I use if I NEED to go to the bathroom? Would I pass well enough to use the women's? Or should I completely out myself and go to men's?
This was another story in itself. One night, after shopping for girl's clothes at ROSS (my primary source of girl's clothes), we went to In-and-Out Burger to have dinner and I needed to use the restroom. Now, obviously I was en femme at the time and I was feeling uneasy about going to the appropriate restroom. So I asked my best friend which one I should go to and finally decided that I should go to the women's restroom since I was presenting as a girl.
Well, just when I was about to go there a couple of cops showed up to have dinner there and my feet got locked to the ground. My best friend rolls her eyes and says, "Well, you better pick one because now you got those cops there." So finally, I picked up my feet and strolled in the women's restroom - and it was empty. YES!
So I sat down in the biggest stall of the two that were there, only to find myself
trapped. Slowly but surely, as I was doing my deed, girls started coming in and, as it turns out, the stall beside me was
permanently closed leaving mine
the only one available! I cleaned up quick, creaked open the stall door and quickly scurried towards the restroom door and towards my friend.
I told my best friend what happened and, with a horrified look on her face, told me to
march back into the restroom because
I'd forgotten to wash my hands! I said, "I can just use the men's restroom..." to which she replied, "Uh, girl, those cops saw you coming out of the women's restroom. You CANNOT flip flop back and forth between the two!"
So I waited until the women cleared the restroom, got back in there, washed my hands, dried them, and went back and enjoyed my meal. After that, I pondered about what I did and my best friend said, "You're a girl right now. It would be wrong for you to go into the men's restroom." She made sense. It'd be more uncomfortable for men to see someone with breasts in the men's room.
Much later, I found out that there are laws regarding restroom use in California. As it turns out, provided that you're presenting as a girl, you can use the women's restroom. Now, this isn't the same for all states, so passing might become more of an issue than some, but again confidence is what will push you to do what you want to do in the end.
The first few times I was scared to no end. But I did it to get out of that comfort zone.
Imagine that day you walk in to your job, full time. for the first time. :icon_yikes: But you do it because that is the way you are going to live the rest of your life.
It isn't being brave, having courage or anything else so noble. It is from fear. The fear of living another day as a male.
I was and sometimes still am scared near to death... I started experimenting by going on drives and stopping at places were no-one would recognize me
Little by little I began to get more comfortable and confident
I kinda have a phobia with public restrooms though so I avoid them as much as possible... But the last time I ventured into the mens room in what I thought to be my guy mode it was full of men with two of them waiting in line to go
Boy did I get some looks... Then one of the guys said "Um, I think your looking for the other room over there"
Without thinking I let out an Eeeek! and they all started laughing... I decided to just hold it till I got home
I just figured it had to be done or I'd pee myself and I couldn't go into the male rest room so I went into the ladies. I've never had any problems in there and you do get smiles and chats in there too, lol. I'd get more scared by going into the male restroom. I guess if you are presenting female then you use the females if presenting male, then use the male restroom.
Stardust
I was pretty terrified to be honest...I mean the first time I went out I was dressed obviously female but hadn't shaved or tried to conceal the shadow of doom. I was with Jenny and Alison as I was visiting for the weekend and we'd gone to see inception. I was expecting to get lots of bad attention but Jenny even said I was getting the right kind of attention when we were queuing for drinks. I did really need a wee at one point and decided to just wait till we got back. the following day we went out to see the dark heart of cornwall and I seemed to get zero attention and progressively got more and more confident. I even used the ladies loo on two occasions with no problem at all.
May I suggest that most fear is conquered by doing small easy amounts of the thing that you fear and discovering that in fact you do not fail, or at least if you do fail the sky certainly does not fall in on you.
When we are small we are first afraid to be out of our mothers arms, then out of her sight, and eventually we learn to have no fear. the process is simply one of familiarising ourselves with our surroundings and discovering that we have the ability to cope on our own.
It is difficult for me to imagine the fear that you must feel because I started my gender transition very early in my childhood so by the time I was old enough to understand that it was viewed by some people as in some way abnormal I was already well on the way to being comfortable enough with my own abilities to survive their disapproval not to be phased by this.
So my advice is take some small baby steps and slowly deliberately PUSH the envelope. One possible place to start might be posting a small photo of yourself in the just for us section and discovering that most people are much nicer about your appearance than you imagine they will be. That is just a suggestion by the way - you may be able to think of something better to do, but whatever you do what you MUST NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES DO is let the fear win, and let it make you hide away behind chintz curtains, because that is simply no way to live life.
You live life by getting up close and personal with it. Sometimes you get dirty, sometimes you get a few cuts and bruises, but always you survive, and always you learn by your mistakes and emerge stronger and wiser. That is what it means to live, to not care about whether or not you are winning, only that you are taking part.
Life is not meant to be a spectator sport. That's it.
Good luck.
You ladies are so inspiring. Reading some of your stories is giving me some inspiration. Thank you all so much!
Janet - That line you gave really hit home with me. I am putting it in my signature so I can always see it when I start feeling terrified or when I am being overly critical with myself.
Helena - The shadow of doooooom. Another bane of mine =(
rejennyrated - I think I may just post a picture of myself sometime soonish. Keep your eyes peeled. I think that may be one of the first steps. Because aside from one very trustworthy friend, I have not distributed any photos of myself online.
I remember the very first Ladies room that I used. I had went to the county court house for my name change hearing. I was so nervous I had to go. Seeing I was presenting female at the time I had to use the ladies room. I went in did my business , washed my hands and left. A couple of other ladies came in and we exchanged pleasantries and that was it. I thought that the sheriff deputies would come and get me, but nothing happened.
Since then I have never seen the inside of a men's room.
Two people so far have had a profound impact on me in this respect. The first is the person who has become a good friend and mentor - I found her website a couple of months ago, where she had posted her entire story and history... I was so thankful for what I read, I sent her an email and told her a bit about myself. Anyway, on her website, she posted two rules she lived by when first going out, and encourages everyone to commit to memory:
1. When going out dressed, present yourself with complete confidence, never let anyone see you acting nervous. If you hold your head up and present confidently, very few people will have a problem with you.
2. If someone DOES have a problem, it is THEIR problem, not YOURS.
My therapist (the second person) said something very similar to me this past week. Basically, if you look nervous, as if you're asking others if you're okay, they'll see you as a "freak". But if you're confident in yourself, regardless of your actual presentation, you'll be seen in a completely different light. And at the end of that therapy session, I took my first steps out into an uncontrolled environment - I walked out of her office, across her waiting room, and out into the parking lot. Had a cigarette before getting into my car. Got seen, no doubt got clocked. Did I care? No. I just feel TOO DARN GOOD when I'm dressed to give a fig what anyone else thinks. And in a few weeks, I will be going on a train and subway one evening each week (to attend a gender workshop for 11 weeks), and I will be dressed in the real world on a regular basis for the first time. I think that's going to be FUN!!
I rarely pass. Yet I am out 99%. (Only my spouses grandma doesnt know, she is the land lord so I am not going to risk it yet.) You just have to accept yourself. It is more important that I honor the woman inside than it is to maintain the mask that is the man. But then I waited until it was transition or die so there is all that.
:D
I know it may seem silly, and idk if this really counts cuz I haven't gone out as female yet, but when I need an extra boost of confidence, I pretend that I'm Britney Spears, lol. It kinda helps me when I feel a little uncomfortable and I think it'll help a lot when I do go out in public as female.
Thanks everyone again for your stories and advice. I feel a bit more encouraged.
Yeah I was the same. I didn't want to present at all until I knew I looked female. Then I had a shift of views about myself. 1 day I woke up and saw a young woman in the mirror, just with facial hair and who looked sad. It was my duty to do what I needed to do to let her out, and help her the best way possible!
Now that I pass completely, I'm over worrying about passing and all that. I'm much happier with myself, granted there are some things I would love to change, but cannot, and am unable to just yet.
Well I have a thought process.
"Nobody wants you to succeeded in this if you stumble or fall nobody will come to help you up you are the first and last line, while your on your knees anyone who comes isn't a friend there a harrier who wants you as a male, unless this is where you wanna be, you've gotta stand walk to what you want on your own power nothing can help you. Yeah it hurts never said it was easy... it's like walking on two broken feet but it's the ->-bleeped-<-ty life GID has put before you.
But If sitting here pining away at how hard and unfair it all is makes you happy fine, But if doing this is what you want but your scared and you run then you can add this experience to your the mountain of self hate and pathetic failures of your 'might have been's.' and 'I wish I was'... Live or Die girl? Your choice."
It gets me crying then it usually gets me moving.
Quote from: iris1469 on September 25, 2010, 02:06:33 PM
HEre is what i do....If I am at a gay club or establishment ill use the womens bathroom...however, if i am out in the general public, I will ALWAYS suck it up and use the mens,,,,,, why you ask. Because, I want to avoid having some parent see me come out of the womens and their maybe having a kid in the restroom,,,,awkward....besides i get a real kick out of the looks on mens faces when they see me at the urinal relieving myself!!!
Seriously?
I'm FAR more afraid to go into a men's room while presenting fem than i am of getting clocked in the ladies.
I wouldn't even consider it.
Now, if I'm not trying to present fem for some reason (usually because of conflict with the wife which is about the only reason i ever don't) then it's more iffy. here in this little town where a lot of people know me, I suck it up and use the guys when I'm not in full-fem (unless it's a one-seater where I can lock the door) but I had an experience in Memphis where i was bra-less and not really trying to be fem (long story) and i went into this building where an older gentleman security guard was sitting out front and i started for the men's (reluctantly) and he called out "Ma'am? the ladies is just down the hall."
I went to the ladies!
Quote
Besides, people arent stupid, I mean people in stores call me sir, refer to me as he, his him blah blah blah.......
Seriously?
You go out with those tits and get sired? Do you live in a town of morons?
I saw a quote recently by English Drag Queen, Lily Savage-"->-bleeped-<-s want to dress to get their rocks off, Drag Queens do it for a job, and Transsexuals just want to go and buy milk." So I decided to do just that.
So, today, after a couple of hours in the garden, I cleaned up, dressed casually, and put on light makeup and went to the supermarket. Nobody stared, and if they suspected anything they didn't even bat an eyelid, let alone say anything.
I did avoid stopping for a coffee at the lake on the way home, but just because I saw someone I work with walking through the park and I am not out at work yet. Other than that it was a great big non-event.
;D ;D ;D ;D Sandra.
Quote from: Tammy Hope on September 26, 2010, 12:03:20 AM
You go out with those tits and get sired? Do you live in a town of morons?
All the time girl. That is why I want to get huge implants, maaybe then people will not sir me...BUT unless it is a gangbanger that sirs me if it is a woman that calls me sir, I call her sir,,,if it is a man that sirs me then I call him Mam
i know its petty but it makes me feel better
Quote from: pebbles on September 25, 2010, 09:00:44 PM
Well I have a thought process.
"Nobody wants you to succeeded in this if you stumble or fall nobody will come to help you up you are the first and last line, while your on your knees anyone who comes isn't a friend there a harrier who wants you as a male, unless this is where you wanna be, you've gotta stand walk to what you want on your own power nothing can help you. Yeah it hurts never said it was easy... it's like walking on two broken feet but it's the ->-bleeped-<-ty life GID has put before you.
But If sitting here pining away at how hard and unfair it all is makes you happy fine, But if doing this is what you want but your scared and you run then you can add this experience to your the mountain of self hate and pathetic failures of your 'might have been's.' and 'I wish I was'... Live or Die girl? Your choice."
It gets me crying then it usually gets me moving.
I'm sorry but I've read a few of your posts and you are so negative. I don't mean to attack you but you need to stop being so negative. Sure having gender identity issues makes life harder for us but being SO negative makes it even worse. I really hope for your sake that you can learn to be happy and positive, or at least not debbie downer. :( It's not healthy to think like that.
Just reading this post , gets my heart pounding. Knowing someday I will take that step. It's great to hear all of your experiences Thanks !!
Erocse
My first time out was to an LGBT event in a public place. I was more terrified of getting into a crash on the way there and having to stand on the curb waiting for the gendarmes in my heels and skirt than I was to walk through the crowded hallways. Still, when I got there I sat in the car for a while. I knew that it was now or never, and 'never' was not an acceptable alternative. I gathered what courage I could muster, said "show time!", and walked in. It's only gotten easier.
I remembered something my daughter said. When she was about 10 I complimented her on her confidence, how she presented herself to the world with assurance. She said: "Can I tell you a secret? I'm not really confident; I just pretend that I am." I have a wise daughter.
What's the worst that can happen? You can be laughed at. You can be attacked. Once I realized that continuing to live the lie of pretending to be a man was worse than those, I set out. Go out with your head held high. Being trans is nothing to be ashamed of.
I wasn't brave to begin with, but transition taught me courage.
And this:
Quote from: rejennyrated on September 25, 2010, 03:05:38 PM
So my advice is take some small baby steps and slowly deliberately PUSH the envelope.
Good luck. You
can do it.
- Kate
@ SamanthaFLA:
Samantha, I feel exactly the same way you do! You are not alone in being scared.
I'm now 9+ months on hormone replacement therapy but only on full-tilt (High-dose estrogen and an up-titrated androgen blockade) for only 2-3 months. Well, I still have not yet gone out in public en femme. My trans-mentor is ooching me along to just get out there and do it.
What's funny is that I've dressed androgenously for about 3 years now and did so even before starting hormone replacement therapy. Truly, going out completely en femme will be less attention-getting than that.
I'm planning to do up and take the plunge on Halloween Night ... just a few weeks away now. My trans-mentor is encouraging me to go full-time starting then and there and never look back. Yeah, I want to do that. I really do.
No, Samantha, you are not the only one who is scared. We see the young t-girls on here upon whom hormone replacement therapy has worked magic in just a few short months, and we are glad for them but become woebegone in the meantime. :-X
Like the Nike slogan says: "Just Do It!" Yeah. Let's. :D
Lacey
Hmm, can't call myself all that brave.. It's more sheer bloody mindedness. I am a woman and will present as such regardless of my physical state. I haven't started HRT yet and have always dressed fairly androgynously, but have been taking baby steps towards a change to a completely feminine appearance. Today I plan to go out with "breasts" and make up for the first time.. Am I scared? Oh yeah.. But I'm not gonna let that stop me..
Quote from: K8 on September 26, 2010, 07:22:52 PM
My first time out was to an LGBT event in a public place. It's only gotten easier.
I remembered something my daughter said. When she was about 10 I complimented her on her confidence, how she presented herself to the world with assurance. She said: "Can I tell you a secret? I'm not really confident; I just pretend that I am." I have a wise daughter.
Once I realized that continuing to live the lie of pretending to be a man was worse than those, I set out. Go out with your head held high. Being trans is nothing to be ashamed of.
I wasn't brave to begin with, but transition taught me courage.
And this:
Good luck. You can do it.
- Kate
Kate, this rocks my world. I'm about to "take the plunge" on Halloween Night and cruise the mall. You encourage me so much with your posts. Thanks! ;)
Quote from: Lexine on September 25, 2010, 02:11:10 PM
Well, just when I was about to go there a couple of cops showed up to have dinner there and my feet got locked to the ground. My best friend rolls her eyes and says, "Well, you better pick one because now you got those cops there." So finally, I picked up my feet and strolled in the women's restroom - and it was empty. YES!
Much later, I found out that there are laws regarding restroom use in California. As it turns out, provided that you're presenting as a girl, you can use the women's restroom. Now, this isn't the same for all states, so passing might become more of an issue than some, but again confidence is what will push you to do what you want to do in the end.
@ Lexine:
Lexine, you are SOOO brave!
God, that is my big, main, major fear ... the cops. I can handle grins, snears, smirks, comments even threats, but NOT that. Don't want that hassle. No way. This is what REALLY prevents me from going out in public en femme ... using women's restrooms ... the whole 9 yards.
I'm way north of you in Oregon. I'm so new here (5 months in about a week) that I don't know the restroom laws or anything like that. Anybody got any advice? :-\
If I didn't have to worry about the heavies, I'd have been en femme way before now. Advice? Thanks.
I'm still terrified in public most of the time. For me the only thing that really seems to help is to go out with a group of people. Ideally mostly people who are close to my height or taller since I'm pretty tall for a female (5'10").
Quote from: Ayaname on September 26, 2010, 09:10:16 PM
I'm still terrified in public most of the time. For me the only thing that really seems to help is to go out with a group of people. Ideally mostly people who are close to my height or taller since I'm pretty tall for a female (5'10").
@ Ayaname:
Go to a major mall near you, just buy a drink and snack that you like and casually stroll around and subtly observe the genetic girls in the mall, especially the ones under 30. Why the ones under 30? Because, the younger generation of girls has many girls that years ago would have been considered tall but are not by today's standards.
Our mall has several 20-something and older-teen girls who work there who are at least 5'10" and are total babes. Being 5'10" by today's standards is simply not an issue, really. If going out with a group works for you, great! Just do that. When you feel ready to go out alone, you'll know it. Go at your own pace.
This avatar picture, is this you? If it is, you are VERY pretty, and that's no lie. You look much cuter than many genetic girls. You are blessed. Good luck! :laugh:
Quote from: Lacey Lynne on September 26, 2010, 09:20:39 PM
Our mall has several 20-something and older-teen girls who work there who are at least 5'10" and are total babes. Being 5'10" by today's standards is simply not an issue, really. If going out with a group works for you, great! Just do that. When you feel ready to go out alone, you'll know it. Go at your own pace.
The average height for females in my area is below average for the US, so I stand out a bit more. However, it is true that malls tend to hire taller females. Most of the employees where I buy my makeup are at least as tall as I am. But it's really the only place I've found where I don't tower over most other females.
Quote from: Lacey Lynne on September 26, 2010, 09:20:39 PM
This avatar picture, is this you? If it is, you are VERY pretty, and that's no lie. You look much cuter than many genetic girls. You are blessed. Good luck! :laugh:
Thank you very much! ^_^
Quote from: superkitty036 on September 26, 2010, 10:01:55 AM
All the time girl. That is why I want to get huge implants, maaybe then people will not sir me.
Before investing in huge implants, SuperKitty, go to Victoria's Secret and buy a Miraculous Bra. They claim it gives you two additional cup sizes. The bra is expensive, but
far less than a BA. If you're still sirred, then implants aren't going to do the trick. I don't know you or where you live or what kinds of situations you are in, but I'm wondering if you aren't focusing on the wrong thing here. I really don't mean to offend - I'm just trying to be helpful.
- Kate
Quote from: Lacey Lynne on September 26, 2010, 08:31:52 PM
Lexine, you are SOOO brave!
Thank you! I think I just got lucky that I live in a liberal area where a lot of people, for the most part, accept me. This, however, makes it nigh impossible to figure out whether I pass or not. I suppose there are trade offs to everything :)
Quote from: Lacey Lynne on September 26, 2010, 08:31:52 PM
God, that is my big, main, major fear ... the cops. I can handle grins, snears, smirks, comments even threats, but NOT that. Don't want that hassle. No way. This is what REALLY prevents me from going out in public en femme ... using women's restrooms ... the whole 9 yards.
As long as you're not committing a crime, the police really won't have anything on you... well, unless maybe if you did a fashion faux pas. If that's the case, the fashion police would be there asap xD
Quote from: Lacey Lynne on September 26, 2010, 08:31:52 PM
I'm way north of you in Oregon. I'm so new here (5 months in about a week) that I don't know the restroom laws or anything like that. Anybody got any advice? :-\
From what I've searched online, it seems that Oregon allows for the same restroom use laws as California so you should be fine.
Quote from: KimberlyJean on September 26, 2010, 02:47:32 PM
I'm sorry but I've read a few of your posts and you are so negative. I don't mean to attack you but you need to stop being so negative. Sure having gender identity issues makes life harder for us but being SO negative makes it even worse. I really hope for your sake that you can learn to be happy and positive, or at least not debbie downer. :( It's not healthy to think like that.
BUT FELINE AIDS IS A REAL PROBLEM FOR TRANS PEPOLE. *Wah wah*
What are you talking about it has a happy ending. I'm hard on myself because coddling me and easing the pain I feel where I am won't help me in the long run I need to be cruel to myself to move forward to a place where I don't need to be coddled. Suffering like this moves me forward a couple of steps and then I look in the mirror and I'm a couple of steps closer to my true self. :)
I will admit it I don't want to walk this path but I REALLY don't want to die either and yeah I'm resentful of that choice where I had to pick either option not under the best of terms. but never the less I choose to live And I've not died not yet. So my story isn't a tragedy :) It's just a "Earn your happy ending" or "Bittersweet ending" tale.
When I first started my transition I was horrified at the thought of going full time for the exact reason you mentioned. But then I discovered I could no longer wait. I had to do it! March of this year I went full time and don't regret it one bit. I am passing more often than I used to but I am under no delusion I totally pass as a female in my presentation. I found out it didn't matter as much as I had thought to me. I need to live my life! And that is exactly what I am doing!
Quote from: pebbles on September 27, 2010, 10:53:42 AM
BUT FELINE AIDS IS A REAL PROBLEM FOR TRANS PEPOLE. *Wah wah*
What are you talking about it has a happy ending. I'm hard on myself because coddling me and easing the pain I feel where I am won't help me in the long run I need to be cruel to myself to move forward to a place where I don't need to be coddled. Suffering like this moves me forward a couple of steps and then I look in the mirror and I'm a couple of steps closer to my true self. :)
I will admit it I don't want to walk this path but I REALLY don't want to die either and yeah I'm resentful of that choice where I had to pick either option not under the best of terms. but never the less I choose to live And I've not died not yet. So my story isn't a tragedy :) It's just a "Earn your happy ending" or "Bittersweet ending" tale.
I have a pretty dark and hopeless outlook on this world we live in, so I can understand the attitude and the ends it has in view, but it's still a potentially damaging way of thinking IMO. In my experience people who adopt a self punishing form of motivation tend to become very competitive and unhappy with themselves. You are solidifying a subconscious, higher ideal for yourself by always raising expectations through being hard on yourself. It becomes a habit with or without any subject matter. Later in life it can cause a false sense of pride over having overcome so much, yet all the hardship was only what you chose for yourself to endure. It also gives an unwarranted resentment for people who are easier on themselves even if they've actually lived harder lives. People who don't go out of their way to make their lives more difficult become a symbol of weakness in the eyes of someone who always punishes themselves. You become someone who always cuts others down because you feel more entitled to what you have while never quite being satisfied with who you are. Please don't become that person.
Quote from: Ayaname on September 27, 2010, 12:43:40 PM
Later in life it can cause a false sense of pride over having overcome so much, yet all the hardship was only what you chose for yourself to endure.
Actually I disagree,,,How can one have a false sense of pride having overcome obstacles? I am again reminded of a quote a friend of mine said to me once, "Success in life is not measured by what you achieve but by what you have overcome"
Quote
It also gives an unwarranted resentment for people who are easier on themselves even if they've actually lived harder lives. People who don't go out of their way to make their lives more difficult become a symbol of weakness in the eyes of someone who always punishes themselves.
I demand perfection in myself and all I do. I am very critical and hard on myself, always pushing myself to be a better person in all aspects of my life. And I dont resent others. I have my own backyaRD to be concerned with.
Quote
You become someone who always cuts others down because you feel more entitled to what you have while never quite being satisfied with who you are. Please don't become that person.
NO no no no, you dont know me. I am the one who is always trying to help others see a better path in their life, if there is one. I have helped crackheads get clean,,,,and my current bf is a genuine penitentiary MF....meaning that he has been in and out of prison his whole life,,,,his longest bid was 10 years in Nevada...anyways he was one of those that would be rel;eased from prison and would not report to his parole officer,,,well 3 weeks after he would get released, that PAL (parolee at large) warranrt would go out and sonce all the cops know him it wouldnt be a week before he would be back,,on a violation...he NEVER once reported to his parole,,,until I come ionto the picture...I told him the last time he was in jail (over a year ago) that he WAS going to report when he got out, he said, "like hell" and so i told him then we go our seperate ways,,,he reported and has done everything his parole officer has asked of him.....He now walks around without all that paranoia...AND he gets off parole next month......he would never have done it without me helping to motivate him.......I dont get jealous of what others have but instead get my own,,,,,it takes all kinds of people to make the world go round... the ONLY two things I hate are as follows:
1. People who are prejudice and let it show
2. Ignorance
I dunno. Maybe it's an age thing, but I've learned to give myself some slack. I work at becoming a better person, but I know that I'll never be perfect. (No one is. :P) If I screw up, I shrug and try to do better the next time.
The world does a lot to drive me crazy. I don't want to do it to myself, too. ;)
- Kate
Quote from: Ayaname on September 27, 2010, 12:43:40 PMPlease don't become that person.
You know who I'm going to turn into before I do?! O.o
Magic... Anywho I don't intend to turn into that person,
Okay I give you my word I will keep my eye out on my development to make sure I don't start doing that :)
Although if I'm not hard on myself I don't think I will make it and if I fall short I will blame myself forever for not trying hard enough.
Quote from: superkitty036 on September 27, 2010, 01:09:12 PM
Actually I disagree,,,How can one have a false sense of pride having overcome obstacles? I am again reminded of a quote a friend of mine said to me once, "Success in life is not measured by what you achieve but by what you have overcome" I demand perfection in myself and all I do. I am very critical and hard on myself, always pushing myself to be a better person in all aspects of my life. And I dont resent others. I have my own backyaRD to be concerned with.
NO no no no, you dont know me. I am the one who is always trying to help others see a better path in their life, if there is one. I have helped crackheads get clean,,,,and my current bf is a genuine penitentiary MF....meaning that he has been in and out of prison his whole life,,,,his longest bid was 10 years in Nevada...anyways he was one of those that would be rel;eased from prison and would not report to his parole officer,,,well 3 weeks after he would get released, that PAL (parolee at large) warranrt would go out and sonce all the cops know him it wouldnt be a week before he would be back,,on a violation...he NEVER once reported to his parole,,,until I come ionto the picture...I told him the last time he was in jail (over a year ago) that he WAS going to report when he got out, he said, "like hell" and so i told him then we go our seperate ways,,,he reported and has done everything his parole officer has asked of him.....He now walks around without all that paranoia...AND he gets off parole next month......he would never have done it without me helping to motivate him.......I dont get jealous of what others have but instead get my own,,,,,it takes all kinds of people to make the world go round... the ONLY two things I hate are as follows:
1. People who are prejudice and let it show
2. Ignorance
I was talking about the type of person who is unnecessarily cruel to themselves for the sake of motivation. If that's not you then don't worry about it. Just expecting yourself to be the best you can be and pushing yourself to achieve those goals is very different than the means of going about it, which was what I was basing my point on.
Quote from: pebbles on September 27, 2010, 01:38:20 PM
You know who I'm going to turn into before I do?! O.o
Magic... Anywho I don't intend to turn into that person,
Okay I give you my word I will keep my eye out on my development to make sure I don't. ;)
Please don't react rudely when I'm only giving a general scenario and showing my concerns about it. I never assumed that I know you or what kind of person you are. I matched an attitude with a potential result and offered a line of reasoning. If I thought without a shadow of a doubt that I was describing you as a person then what purpose would there be in pleading with you or even mentioning any of this to begin with? When someone has built their entire sense of self worth on a vice the only thing that can turn them around is their own ability to admit to themselves something which their vice was made to protect themselves against in the first place. At that point it's more about overcoming fear than it is about having insight on the problem.
When I start assuming peoples' character flaws is when I stop offering insight.
Quote from: SamanthaFLA on September 25, 2010, 01:15:30 PM
This is directed at everyone/anyone who would like to answer. I'm utterly terrified about not passing. Terrified about getting judged. Though I am already "out", for the most part; my hair is girly, my figure has changed from hormones, my skin has softened, I am still terrified, so I only go out part time. I'm even so scared that I am afraid to post a picture of myself on here.
How do you get over these feelings? I seem to be soooo critical of myself, that I shoot myself down from even the most confident of moods. So again, any suggestions on how I can conquer these feelings?
We all start terrified, we all change and one day we find that we are the only people seeing the wrong, bad part of us and even people who don't know us and see us for the first time undoubtedly and unquestionably see the true us, even if we don't try. Because the ghost stays with us only, but the body itself changes.
Thank you everyone for your wonderful posts. All of your stories and various wisdom's have encouraged me, and I hope that others have come into this thread and found the same encouragement as I have. Again, thank you very much.
I am not brave. For many years in the past. If I went out dressed - rarely - it always felt like a disguise. A disguise that may not work - a failure. I would try too hard - too much makeup - too slutty. So many years of testosterone and exercise made pulling it off - unlikely. Guy's in certain places liked it - Great Legs. But I'm sure these guys liked boys - and boy legs. Or at the very least girl athletes. My fear was being caught out pumping gas. By a bunch if cowboys. Getting beat up by cowboys - cause of being a ->-bleeped-<- sissy - doesn't seem like it would be fun. But now in life - in a strange way - and because of HRT -- I don't know if I can pass as a man. I have to go out. For groceries if nothing else.
Being tall. At 14 I had one girlfriend that was really tall. Tall and thin. My neck ached to look up to her - hugging. This was 74'- she was the tallest girl in school. I have a model I use that is 5'10" and very thin - but healthy and fit thin. Small chested - but so feminine. Most fashion models are tall. I think the main thing - about being really femme and being tall - is weight. If you're tall and a real bruiser - hard to be femme.
Quote from: Dana Lane on September 27, 2010, 11:09:27 AM
When I first started my transition I was horrified at the thought of going full time for the exact reason you mentioned. But then I discovered I could no longer wait. I had to do it! March of this year I went full time and don't regret it one bit. I am passing more often than I used to but I am under no delusion I totally pass as a female in my presentation. I found out it didn't matter as much as I had thought to me. I need to live my life! And that is exactly what I am doing!
@ Dana Lane:
Dana, yes, exactly! That's the way I feel too! Starting Halloween Night, I'm going full-time.
@ Everybody:
Hey, thanks so much! Most of these posts are most encouraging. Susan's Place rocks, and I'm very fond of it. Hope you are too. I find this to be a very effective and encouraing support group albeit a virtual one. Thanks again ... :D ... Lacey
One of the ways to make it easy--or, at least, easier--is to choose a place that is forgiving to the TG community. In my case, it was Hamburger Mary's in San Diego....I knew I could go in there, dressed and made up to the best of my abilites, and be OK with everyone there--a great confidence booster.
The following year was the big test: going for a walk on the beach in La Jolla in a one-piece suit, with and without a denim skirt...
To be accepted, or at least not openly mocked, in public as a woman was the opening to a whole new world, and it just kept getting better after that....
It can for you, too---and yes, being confident in the sexuality you are presenting yourself to be is more than half the battle.
Went out for the first time dressed today. Just to my therapist, but still big for me. I wasn't really flashy, just a cowl neck blouse, black capris and heeled mary-janes with earrings. Wife kind of tousled my short hair with the hair dryer to give me quite a different look and tiny bit of eye makeup. Nothing else. It was a little nerve-wracking driving out of my sub-division, but after that I was amazed how calm I was. Some anxiety, but nothing crippling. Walked from the parking garage to the elevator, was seen by a few people, but no one seemed to give me two looks or stare. I am quite sure I didn't really pass, but still didn't get a lot of reaction. I don't think I am ready for this yet until I am more generally out in my neighborhood, but now I know I can do it.
WTG, Girl! I've been advised it's best to be in a different town when you first start going out, I think that's good advice. I'm lucky, there are a few middle-sized towns and cities nearby, and a big city (Toronto) not far away, either. Week after next, I'll be riding the train and subway into Toronto (for my Gender Journeys workshop) dressed, once a week for 11 weeks! I expect to get an education...
Quote from: Colleen Ireland on September 28, 2010, 04:57:02 PM
WTG, Girl! I've been advised it's best to be in a different town when you first start going out, I think that's good advice. I'm lucky, there are a few middle-sized towns and cities nearby, and a big city (Toronto) not far away, either. Week after next, I'll be riding the train and subway into Toronto (for my Gender Journeys workshop) dressed, once a week for 11 weeks! I expect to get an education...
I drive into Houston for my therapy, but getting out of my neighborhood is what makes me nervous. It is like a small town in a big city. I know as soon as I come out, I will be the topic of local gossip. I'm just too well known to fly under the radar. But as soon as it is done, it will be done everywhere. I am nervous about how life will change for us here.
Quote from: Melody on September 28, 2010, 08:09:34 PM
I drive into Houston for my therapy, but getting out of my neighborhood is what makes me nervous. It is like a small town in a big city. I know as soon as I come out, I will be the topic of local gossip. I'm just too well known to fly under the radar. But as soon as it is done, it will be done everywhere. I am nervous about how life will change for us here.
I live in a medium-small town and am well known. That made it hard to gather the courage to come out, but I think in the long run it made it easier for me because once I made the big step - started RLE - I could no longer hide, even from myself. I had talked to all of my friends, so I had support if I needed it, but once I went public I was really out. And as others have noted, it was a much bigger deal to me than it was to anyone else.
It's just that first hurdle that can be so hard. But life can be so much better on the other side. :)
- Kate
Quote from: K8 on September 29, 2010, 11:20:52 AM
I live in a medium-small town and am well known. That made it hard to gather the courage to come out, but I think in the long run it made it easier for me because once I made the big step - started RLE - I could no longer hide, even from myself. I had talked to all of my friends, so I had support if I needed it, but once I went public I was really out. And as others have noted, it was a much bigger deal to me than it was to anyone else.
It's just that first hurdle that can be so hard. But life can be so much better on the other side. :)
- Kate
I hope you are right Kate. I spoke with my pastor today at lunch and we were talking about our little subdivision. It is basically one of those perfect little Stepford master-planned communities of about 5000 homes isolated from the world. We have our own ball fields, swimming pools, schools and even a stable. Upside is that people here are from all over the country. Downside is that they come here to have a perfect little existence away from the "bad" elements. Very conservative. My son's school doesn't even have one set of gay parents. My pastor said he wouldn't want to transition here. I am inclined to agree, but I am hoping we are just underestimating the residents here. People have surprised me with their accepting nature, so it would be great if that continues.
Quote from: SamanthaFLA on September 25, 2010, 01:15:30 PM
This is directed at everyone/anyone who would like to answer. I'm utterly terrified about not passing. Terrified about getting judged. Though I am already "out", for the most part; my hair is girly, my figure has changed from hormones, my skin has softened, I am still terrified, so I only go out part time. I'm even so scared that I am afraid to post a picture of myself on here.
How do you get over these feelings? I seem to be soooo critical of myself, that I shoot myself down from even the most confident of moods. So again, any suggestions on how I can conquer these feelings?
Honestly, in a nutshell, no. I never did really. I've been dressing and presenting as a female in public since around age 16, just after I got my drivers license. I was just so happy to be able to do what I knew made me feel happy, content, and correct. Probably for the first few years, passing or really trying to get every little detail right was the last thing on my mind. I was just so dam happy to be me, I could care less about what others thought. Now looking back on things I'm sure I could've used some help, but hey in the end you have to live with yourself, so do what feels right for you. I never experienced the fear and anxiety some associate with going out dressed, I was always looked forward to when I could go out dressed. Happy times for sure. I never lived in fear, anxiety or terror of it. Quite the opposite emotions for me.
As to how to conquer your fear, my best advice is to just DO IT! Get out there. You're allowed. You're not hurting anyone, and it should get easier with time. Pick out a nice outfit, get a decent wig if need be, and get out there. Even if you just drive around town the first few times, to get the hang of everything. Nothing to be scared of really. It's just life. ;)