I plan to transition and go stealth as soon as I can after giving birth and this has brought up two questions I have no idea how to answer.
1: What do I tell people?
2: What do I tell the kid?
To the outside world I'm going to look like a single father, I'm not going to have any idea what to say if people ask where the mother is, which lets face it....they will, a single mother is nothing unusual but a father is going to invite questions.
I also have no idea how or when to bring up the subject of "Daddy gave birth to you" with my daughter...I know this is a fair while away yet but it still worries me. Seeing as it's going to be my child raised under my values, I can't foresee it being too much of a problem, more of a frank talk and an "oh ok" sort of reaction.....UNLESS my family ruin it before I get the chance.
My family, more specifically my sister, firmly believes in a "take the piss out of yourself before anybody else can" sort of attitude. I just know she is going to want to make ->-bleeped-<- jokes around my daughter and make the whole thing into a big joke, which it isn't. I have a sense of humour but she doesn't do it in a nice way. For example one of my cousins has half Indian children, and they just don't mention it, which is how it should be, it's not relevant to anything. My sister believes that the children should be taunted and called derogatory racist names by family members "as a joke" so that they don't care when people in the outside world do it. I don't want my daughter to be exposed to such ridiculousness but I fear it's going to be inevitable.
Any thoughts on the matter guys? I'm driving myself crazy.
It's a weird thing to talk about, on the one hand I want her to see trans people as nothing strange, just another part of our society.....but I also don't want her blabbing about it.... "it's perfectly normal....but don't tell anyone" seems counter productive :D
You could always be vague with your answers to other people. If they ask where the mother is you can simply say that you and your SO split and agreed that you should raise the baby. (If I remember correctly that's how it seemed to go down.) Basically just stick to the truth but don't delve too deep.
Personally I wouldn't worry about explaining the technicalities of birth to her for awhile. Just keep it basic like when she sees mommies and daddies explain how there can sometimes be 2 daddies or 2 mommies and sometimes daddies can have babies like you did with her. You know add information as she gets older and more able to process that information.
I am in a similar situation in that I have a young child. My partner and I are still together however, and (soon) once I go through my transition we will appear to be a gay couple. Anyone meeting us after the fact will probably assume that my son is adopted. Of course, I'm not going to raise him under that pretense.
I think that once this comes up in conversation I'll be teaching the differences between sex and gender from the get go. "Some people are born with a penis and some people are born with a vulva, but that doesn't necessarily have anything to do with someone being a girl or a boy." As he gets older and more curious I can explain how one daddy has a penis and one daddy has a vagina and that I gave birth to him. I'll try to lay everything out as matter-of-factly as possible.
As for being stealth, you might try explaining to her that lots of people won't understand right away. You can say that your trans status is "your little secret". Maybe if there's someone she really wants to tell about it you can ask that she talk to you about it first and you can decide together if that person is important enough to let in on the secret.
That worries me too, I am gay, so when I end up with someone everyone is going to assume the child is adopted. Argh what a complicated mess ::)
I like to think I can have a friend group who knows me for me but doesn't need to know I'm trans. But I'm going to have to embellish and side step around a huge aspect of my life now. Good friends are going to want a little more info than "oh the mother is gone"
I like the idea of explaining sex and gender as separate entities ....make sure that message is instilled before dropping the "daddy gave birth to you" bomb
I'm not trans, just andro but I'll throw my $.02 and you can take or leave what works for you :)
My 2.5 year old still calls me mom or dad interchangeably. My 4 year old would be perfectly happy with 'some people have a mommy and a daddy, you have a daddy'. I wouldn't worry about what you'll tell the kid; they automatically think that whatever they're exposed to is normal :)
As for other people, I don't think all that many people nowadays ask personal questions. I can't imagine a stranger asking me about the kids father/mother but if they did, I would simply say that I was raising him/her.
I don't know what you'd want to tell 'good friends' but since I'm not in your shoes it's hard to imagine having such separate worlds. If I were living as a man, I think I would say something to the effect of 'their mother isn't in our lives'.
Good luck :)
I absolutely agree with the advice from Osiris and SnailPace. I would add, similarly to the points Kvall and LilDoberman raise, that when kids are young, they don't have those stigmas already built up, and if you teach them early that this is normal, they accept/believe it. If you teach them that some boys have vaginas and are raised as girls, etc etc, they'll accept that just as easily as "boys have a penis, girls have a vagina".
It's a little harder with my kids, being that they're 5 and 10, but they've taken to the news swimmingly (especially my 5 year old, to her it just plain makes sense, lol). My 10 year old is a little more concerned about the social aspect of it all ("What do I tell my friends?") but that likely has a lot to do with the fact that she was already shifting her social locus to being external from the family unit when she found out. That being said, just like *any* issue your kids will encounter, if you approach it from a place of patience, listening, explaining honestly but at an age-appropriate level, and with lots of love and reassurance, you'll all get through it just fine. :)
Actually as she grows up she will know that Daddy gave birth to her and why. The reason is she will learn it almost from the very first. She will also learn that people like Daddy exist and that they are just another type of person, like the races.
The only thing that she will be concerned that Daddy loves her and that Daddy will be there for her. She may well grow up to be an ambassador between Trans and Cis. But regardless for what she does with her life, she will have a parent who loves her and one hell of an extended family.
Not meaning it in bad taste, but you could always say the mother is dead. It would be somewhat true since your old, false, female self will be "dead". That and it would get people to STFU.
Seriously, that question alone is in bad taste in my opinion if it's a stranger asking. That's personal business and almost implies a man can't take care of his child on his own (Where's the mother? Shouldn't she be raising her instead?).
As for your sister, when I read that I was outraged. She sounds like a bitter, spiteful person. Sadly, you can't change that or stop those kind of people. The best you can do is prepare for her comments and actions.
Yeah I think the main thing that concerns me is my family :( most of them I barely see so it's not too worrying, but my sister is ALWAYS around sticking her nose into things. She can't be reasoned with either, she's very set in her ways. Her son came out to her last year and her reaction was "no you aren't, your grandad would kill me if I made you gay" - she has the exact same attitude towards me being trans. She just blatantly ignores it or comes out with "yeah ok she/he/it/whatever" if I try and correct her on pronouns or my name. I've tried to have a sit down with her and have a serious talk about this kind of behaviour around my daughter but she really does not see it as an issue. In her eyes I'm a freak, I chose to be this way, ergo she should be allowed to point it out whenever she likes, however she likes.
Quote from: Jeatyn on September 27, 2010, 03:50:23 PM
Yeah I think the main thing that concerns me is my family :( most of them I barely see so it's not too worrying, but my sister is ALWAYS around sticking her nose into things. She can't be reasoned with either, she's very set in her ways. Her son came out to her last year and her reaction was "no you aren't, your grandad would kill me if I made you gay" - she has the exact same attitude towards me being trans. She just blatantly ignores it or comes out with "yeah ok she/he/it/whatever" if I try and correct her on pronouns or my name. I've tried to have a sit down with her and have a serious talk about this kind of behaviour around my daughter but she really does not see it as an issue. In her eyes I'm a freak, I chose to be this way, ergo she should be allowed to point it out whenever she likes, however she likes.
Personally, if anyone in my family treated me that way, I'd cut off all contact with them. I don't choose to be around people who are abusive and poisonous to me. And I sure as hell wouldn't allow my children to be around someone like that, whether they're family or not. She's responsible for her behavior, and as unrepentant as she seems, it's likely not changing, so that leaves few options for trying to "see eye to eye" or find a workable relationship, in my opinion.
But, that's just me and my stance on things. It is your life, your family and your choice, and it's important that you make the choice you feel happiest making. The one that you'll regret the least, when all is said and done.
{just my two cents}
I really can't add much to the conversation ... but kids love their parents .... and if you make it a normal thing they will see it as a normal thing. I would make sure you have age appropirate books/movies about it around so they don't feel like they are the only ones.
As for your sis....I would simply put that you want to make sure your child grows up confident and self assured ... and you won't tolerate that being jeporadize by anyone let alone a family member. If she can't do then say you will limit her contact with your child
Quote from: Radar on September 27, 2010, 03:43:51 PM
As for your sister, when I read that I was outraged. She sounds like a bitter, spiteful person. Sadly, you can't change that or stop those kind of people. The best you can do is prepare for her comments and actions.
That may be the difference between my family and other families. In my family it DOESN'T happen if the mother/father say NO. If it DOES happen that person will go a long time without being involved directly with the child and we all know that. My brother's kids do not get away with anything just because they aren't with their parents, we all know that what he says goes, we uphold his rules when he is not around. If we did not it would change how often we saw the kids or if we saw them at all. As much as it sucks to say that may be the route to go with your family too, just put your foot down and tell them outright that your child will be raised with YOUR values and if they can't accept that or choose to disrespect it then they don't have a place in that portion of the family until they change their ways.
Quote from: Jeatyn on September 27, 2010, 03:50:23 PM
Yeah I think the main thing that concerns me is my family :( most of them I barely see so it's not too worrying, but my sister is ALWAYS around sticking her nose into things. She can't be reasoned with either, she's very set in her ways. Her son came out to her last year and her reaction was "no you aren't, your grandad would kill me if I made you gay" - she has the exact same attitude towards me being trans. She just blatantly ignores it or comes out with "yeah ok she/he/it/whatever" if I try and correct her on pronouns or my name. I've tried to have a sit down with her and have a serious talk about this kind of behaviour around my daughter but she really does not see it as an issue. In her eyes I'm a freak, I chose to be this way, ergo she should be allowed to point it out whenever she likes, however she likes.
Yeah your sister is totally not cool. If I were you auntie-whatever wouldn't be visiting my house. >:(
I have not much to add over and above what SnailPace etc have said.
But I will suggest that you don't lie to your daughter, even in a "clever" way ("Mummy has gone away", "Mummy is dead"). Kids know when they are being bull->-bleeped-<-ted, and it makes them feel insecure. Be open with your daughter, in an age-appropriate way.
Also, if you want to keep your trans-status a secret from others, just make sure it is not conveyed to her as something to be ashamed of (either your current status as a transman, or the previous situation of living as female). You don't want her to pick up the feeling that being either is an undesirable thing.
Jeatyn, I have a sister like that and she got cut out of my life well before transition or I'm sure I'd be hearing the same sh*t.
I definitely wouldn't lie to my kids about their origins, and with your daughter I'd treat it matter of factly. Daddy gave birth. It will come up when she's little and you're not the only dad to have given birth.
With strangers or even friends I'd prefer to be stealth with, I've just told people I'm divorced, and they assume that I was married to a F; I've also said to strangers that *she* is no longer with us (and they assume she died, which is fine with me). My kids are older and understand why I want to be stealth, so they tolerate bending the truth with people who aren't important. My daughter tells her casual friends that I'm her uncle (she can't quite do the 2 dads thing), but with people she really cares about, who are very important to her, I don't mind her discreetly disclosing. She's done that with one person, and he lives abroad, so not like he will out me to the world.
But I agree with the advice about never lying to your kid(s). They know when you are bull->-bleeped-<-ting and wonder why, and wonder what the deep dark secret is. And if they know the truth, nobody can sneak in and inform them of the truth; they know.
Jay
With writing it down and thinking about it I have come to realise what a crappy person my sister really is. Me and my other sister actually discussed it at length last night and she feels the same way I do about her so I'm not just crazy and imagining it...this makes me feel a lot better about telling her to either fix her attitude or gtfo.
My brain still cannot work around the whole "it's normal but don't tell anyone" thing but I'm sure once I am actually talking to a little person and not just imagining scenarios in my head I'll be able to figure it out. I definitely won't lie to her, even if it means compromising my stealth. Being semi-out isn't so bad anyway, I kinda revel in my gender-queer-ness and it won't seem so important once I am fully transitioned and sound and look like any other guy.