How did/ do your parents react to you transitioning?
I was lucky because my mother, while not FOR it, has been rather supportive, and I was talking to her today and saying that my middle brother makes me feel like less of a disappointment. (my middle brother is very immature, and irresponsible) And she said "I can't think of anything you have done that would be a disappointment"
Does anyone else have parents who are, still good to you during transition? or parents who came around, or.. parents who totally suck? Share if you would like.
At first they didn't really understand. My mom said I didn't know who I was, etc. But they seem to have come around really well and helped me get a therapist and T and all that.
Well, since I haven't told my parents I really don't know their reaction. However, I am considerably older - 39 & I live several states away so there isn't a major rush.
However, my son who started transitioning whose 21 - a year ago -- my parents have been accepting - they address his mail with his male name & try to call him by it (we don't see them but a couple times a year so it's an adjustment thing).
I think it will be a different story when it's their own child and not their grandkid. I know my mom has said for years she always wanted a girl ... and I clearly was not that ...
My mom was so suportive when I came out to her she started to try and explain to me that transfolks are created in the womb and it is due to the hormones delivered in the womb.....my jaw droped. I told her I already knew all this stuff and asked her how she already knew all about transpeople. She told me one of her ex girlfriends was mtf.
My already gaping jaw hit the floor.
I asked her which one of her ex's it was but mom has respected that woman and refused to tell me who it was.
My mother is suportive to a fault. Like she is a one woman suport group and it can be agravating sometimes. Although I love my mom a ton, do not get me wrong. Just sometimes I don't want to hear the perfect response she learned in life coaching or psych class, tell me how it really is, do not BS me with platitudes.
I haven't told my parents I'm starting to transition. I imagine a fight will ensue once my mom sees my hair and it'll come out then.
:) I was thinking of making a topic similar.
My mother seemed initially tolerant if not accepting when I revealed what was happening as I begun changing she went through a grieving process I tried to be there for her during this process but she begun pushing me away prefering to drink and smoke alot resenting me eventually claiming I "killed her son." this has gradually gotten worse as time has gone on, She refuses to call me by my female name or even acknowledge what I'm doing. and constantly refers to me by male pronouns any work I do on my presentation or changes I go through voluntary or not result in her hurling insults about my appearance.
She's started attacking others who try to refer to me by female names or use my new name demanding they stop "encouraging him" the only reason I don't become extremely hostile is because if I upset her too much and she might stop me from staying with her during vacations thus completely denying me the ability to see either my family or friends.
She told some of my extended relatives. I don't know what she said however I asked what she said to them and she just obstinately responded with "The truth" err...
yesterday I got the remark out of her when I asked if she hated me.
"I don't hate you... I don't know you, I don't understand you, I don't know what you are, And I don't like you... but I don't hate you." Still not great :/
When I asked her for names she went "NO you're *malename* and you will always be *malename* no matter what you do I know I raised a boy."
Discussion with my feelings or anything related to transsexuallity is out of the question she will flip out if you try
I don't know what to do.
:(
My father is abit estranged from the rest of the family and has the emotional intelligence of a tangerine.
I didn't initially tell him because it's predictable how he would react... my sister did. And he confronted me with it, When we had an inital discussion he made just about every pig-headed nigh-on trans-phobic comment under the sun not trying to hurt me but just not having a clue. As I don't live with him or have to keep contact, He isn't allowed to get away with it.
"you don't know anything about who I am you were never there... And You don't have any clue about what I've suffered through or what I am still suffering through. So stop talking like you know everything you sound like such an idiot." and I left.
For the first time in his life I think I actually got through to him... As when I next had a conversation with him it seems like he's been watching ALOT of documentaries on transsexuallity. Although he still lacked empathy and refuses to call me by my new name or use female pronouns he's alot more friendly to trans people in general and it's discussed with me mostly in a third party way not relating to me yet. But said that people should be accepted for who they are.
When I asked for names he suggested 4 in a jokey snide sort of manner when I didn't use any of them he genuinely seemed dissapointed that I didn't listen to him. :/
Ugh men... stop that bravado when trying to be open!
My Mom has known since the beginning pretty much. She wasn't sure what to think or say at first, mainly because it was so unexpected that I think part of her wondered if it was just a passing thing. Now, however, as she sees how happy I am and sees the constant changes since starting HRT, I think she knows it's for keeps. Lately she self-corrects, and calls me April and she more and more often. She's coming around little by little.
I wrote a long essay style email to my dad, but can't send it because the email address I had for him is now invalid so it sits in limbo until I get his current email address. I'm writing him because he is a devoted Baptist and has extremely narrow viewpoints on gender variance of any kind. He even threatened to leave his church if they began performing weddings for gays because "it is clearly against God and the bible" he says. I'm fully prepared to lose him, but part of me really hopes he can look past his faith and realize that I am his child first and foremost, and whether I am man or woman does not change that.
~April
My dad has been amazing. Really amazing.
Quote from: kyril on October 03, 2010, 06:43:55 PM
My dad has been amazing. Really amazing.
thats awesome, I wish my dad was more cool about it, he is kinda reluctant and depressed about it
Pebbles, I am so sorry they have been so unkind to you I hope they understand better one day
Sorry to hear about your family situation Pebbles =[ it must make it so difficult to find your way with such a lack of support and understanding. You'd think family would be the ones to back you up and believe in you and give you the unconditional love and support you need to be who you are, but I've learned myself that often times the most understanding and support seems to come from friends and even NEW friends. I think a lot of the reason for that is that people that have not been in your life from the beginning have no preconcieved notions of who you are, so there is no mental projection from them for you to keep alive. When people have such a personal investment in you, it's hard to break those illusory perceptions of who someone is based on how you see them. When you are one of us, however, it's easier to accept the changes because we've already made that mental shift with our own self-perception and know how important it is to be understood.
I really feel for you, and anyone who's parents are being thick-headed and resistant. I truly hope they all come around and learn to accept and love you for the wonderful people you are.
thanks guys I think my dad will come around he just needs abit of time to come to terms with who I am and merge the knowledge he's already gained It's a big step for him to try and understand someone else.
My mother... I dunno :( The lines of communication are open and she hasn't booted me out of her house. But anything I say drives her further away quickly... And saying nothing drives her further away slowly.
I do feel quite abit of envy hearing about your family :P
I don't talk to my parents and probably never will, unless my mother predeceases my father (not bloody likely). So they don't know. I came out to my brother last year, and he said that neither one of my parents would be able to handle it. He has stayed in touch with them over the years, so he knows them much better than I do.
I'll probably never know, but I think my father would come around eventually. Unless my mother's ultra-conservative influence has completely overwhelmed him...which I suppose is likely, since they've been married for 55 years now.
My parents are in the land of Denial. One thinks this is just some big joke I'm pulling. The other metaphorically has her fingers in her ears, yelling out "It's a phase, it's a phase, I don't care if it's gone on for years, it's a phase." If something about me being trans comes up, she either changes the subject or just sits there nodding, and not saying anything. Or when she does, tells me it's just a phase.
Quote from: jmaxley on October 03, 2010, 08:52:53 PM
My parents are in the land of Denial. One thinks this is just some big joke I'm pulling. The other metaphorically has her fingers in her ears, yelling out "It's a phase, it's a phase, I don't care if it's gone on for years, it's a phase." If something about me being trans comes up, she either changes the subject or just sits there nodding, and not saying anything. Or when she does, tells me it's just a phase.
Dang. Well, okay, it's a phase. Everything in life can be seen that way.
A lifelong phase.
My mum has been great about it, i'm pretty sure she's sad though because she feels like she's loosing a daughter but she's very supportive. She bought me my first binder and has helped me to get T, she helped pay for the train tickets to go to the GIC :)
Dad not so much. Well i'm not even sure what he thinks anymore. He was/is very against my transition and wont accept me as a male. We haven't really talked for about a year, he has only talked to me when he had to but I did get a letter recently where he wrote birthname/nate and said he knew it was his fault we haven't had proper relationship for about a year so maybe that means he's accepting now? I emailed him but havn't had a reply yet so i'm not as hopeful as I was when I first got the letter.
My parents are okay with it.
I gave and still give them a lot of time to adapt, though.
I guess I've been lucky. I think both my parents were quite upset about it, they were curious about why my ex and I were divorcing then when I told them (this was more than 20 years ago) they said I was their child and would love me no matter what. My mum even made a very long train journey to visit me in hospital after my SRS and both parents are cool about it and proud of me. It took a while before they got the pro-nouns correct but now they are 100% perfect and just their other daughter. I wish I could say the same about my 2 brothers and my sister but thats another story.
I haven't told my parents, mostly because it scares the hell out of me. I think my dad would be okay with it, but my mom....oh F**k... it wouldn't be pretty. My parents literally prayed for a little girl. So if I told them I want to be a man, I would break my mom's heart. I'm not ready to do that.
My father doesn't know yet, but my mother has been pretty supportive. She told me she was proud of me for everything I've accomplished and would love me no matter what. That really helped me. While I haven't really talked with her much about transitioning since I came out to her, she stopped pressuring me to wear more feminine clothing... which was a huge deal to me. She has implied that coming out to my 17 year old sister would be an undue burden on her, though, which didn't make me feel great. And she hasn't really encouraged or helped me transition other than supporting me generally, but I feel like that's more than I could hope for.
If I decide to switch pronouns or my name, though... we'll see what happens.
My adoptive-mother, miracle of miracles, is supportive, but she's old, ill and moreorless near the end of her life. She and I have been basically estranged for nearly 20 years. My adoptive-father passed away 11 years ago, and this has greatly upset her world, even though they didn't get along. They were married for 51.7 years.
My adoptive-father? He would have friggin' killed my ass, and that's no joke, and I mean literally shot my butt stone-cold dead ... if he had found out. The old man, my uncles and cousins made Archie Bunker (All in the Family TV show in the 1970s) look like a tree-hugging, peacenik hippie. Archie Bunker was a renowned (albeit fictional) bigot played brilliantly by Carroll O'Connor.
I'm so glad I'm not their genetic kid. Just my honest answer. My genetic parents? Never knew them and never will. No family, no name, no lover, no friends. Yeah, it's a very rough life, but I manage. Like, what the hell, right? >:(
I told my father in July. I am in my forties and he is in his mid 70's. I expected him to not accept it. He surprised me and while I know he is disappointed, he fully supports me. I sent him a copy of TRUE SELVES but he hasn't read it yet..
Quote from: sophieb on October 07, 2010, 12:23:53 AM
I told my father in July. I am in my forties and he is in his mid 70's. I expected him to not accept it. He surprised me and while I know he is disappointed, he fully supports me. I sent him a copy of TRUE SELVES but he hasn't read it yet..
Excellent! Best book to give anybody in the family. Hope it works out for you and him.
I lucked into having two very loving, accepting parents. They made it clear to my brother and I from a young age that if we ended up being gay that it would be fine, so it was a non-issue when I came out to them as being bi. However, that was them accepting me as a bi woman. I know that neither of them have much experience with trans people in their lives, and I am afraid that they might see it as an attention grab or phase rather than my true feelings. I know that they will support me in my decision, but I do get the feeling that they may look down on it. I very much love and respect my parents, and I am not sure if I am ready to do anything to destroy the image of their little girl just yet.
It's on going at the moment...neither of the them really understand it, so I'm a way of them accepting me for me, however the do understand that this was not a decision taken lightly and they both now that i need to go through this. They're still not really coping with my new name and feminine pronouns, but my dad alternates between referring to me as his son and his daughter. we all know that this is going to take time for all of us so i have hope in the long run.