Just when you think all is good then... I was just saying how I think my wife was coming around in the other topic. I just got chewd on by my wife for spending to much time here. I don't have anyone else to talk to about anything. She called me a basterd and said I would never be a bitch no matter what I did to change myself. I am just venting to y'all. I am just fine about everything. My daugher made me feel better she is looking past my looks and can see me. She followed me all over the house asking me one question after another about being transgendered. She asked me if I could sound like a girl when I talk I have been practicing my voice for years when no one was home. I talked to her with my real voice and she smiled at me and said, that it sounded funny coming out of me. I am still happy not letting it get me down. I am being nice and I am going to just understand that she is going through all this too.
Vent all you need to. It's got to be tough on both of you.
I have sometimes thought the Erocse does too. Now we both do :)
Just a thought.
Can you discuss a compromise in attitudes. If she can think of you as altering your appearance?
Let's face it, it isn't going to be easy for either of you. But marriage is all about compromise. Equally, it's about two people thinking of the other.
The problems I can see, from her point of view are, that you will be the same as her, therefore competing, that you will be attracting and accepting attention from others, that she might be seen as lesbian. (Never quite understood why we have different neologisms for male and female homosexuals).
To the first, perhaps she needs to undrstand that you won't be in competition with her, just happier. To the second, few spouces relish their partner thinking about being with anyone else, th solution is yours. The third, well, worrying about what others think about you.
Hope you don't mind a bit of free thinking.
the last two being seen as lesbian and what others think of me seem to be her main consern for us. I wasn't even thing about being seen as a lesbian. Then I heard about couples where the spouse began to lose there sense identity of being hetrosexual and had trouble coping with the new identity that they were coming into. This is all confusing for everyone. :o
The concern of being percieved as a Lesbian is one I face as well. Anybody who cares about me will know I am not. Those who judge will always be there. Since the beginning of time people look for reasons to judge others and place them on social ranking. Has your wife read the posts of significant others on Suzan's? I posted our situation on a sticky subject, "What it means to a wife." One point I am making to myself is quoted below. Suzans lets the wives realize they are not alone.
"I will do my best not to struggle with what others will think. I always believed you cannot please all of the people all of the time. So why worry about it. Sometimes I do but it is unproductive. Too simply put....The world should be a better place. Everyone on Suzan's should feel great in the world. We as spouses should be allowed to feel accepting and acceptance in this world too."
Everytime we stand up for ourselves we make the road easier for someone else. The 17 year old who doesn't understand and worries about themselves.
Erocse let some of our homosexual freinds know that he was transgendered and it made them feel good about themselves and her.
My last consideration I would like to point to is, "Pay attention to your wife too." This is a big thing for your family and it is all about you. Let her know she is important and loved. The things she loves are important too. Daily a married couple often does that. Erocse has been very considerate that way, even more so than in previous years. I would suggest that this helps soften my defensiveness considerably. I was reluctant and slow to participate on Suzan's but am feeling really good about it. Maybe sharing Suzans with her will help.
She is hanging around susans as a guest. She has seen some of my post on here. SHe does not really like that it is public. Most people around here( where I live) don't know what a transsexual is. She kind of wants it to go away because if it get out that I am transgendered she does not know if she can take it. I have been thinking about take my pictures down and my youtube channels. I put them up to help educate others so that we can be more open, but it seems to be working against me. My wife knows about the channels I say what is going on so others can see what is happening. If I vent I let everyone know that is what I am doing. I don't think we would be going through all this if being transgendered was not such a big secret. It may not have taken so long to understand myself if the knowledge was not being kept from me by society. I labelled myself many things seeking who I am, yet nothing fit. I did not even know that I had options to transition until I was married. I do blame myself for some of this but not all. If I had learned earlyer I may have made better disisions in life.
Religion played a big roll in this also. I was a Baptist how I felt back then was it was just sin working in me. I begged God to take away how I felt, well he never did. I asked why he would not just fix me like everyone else. Needless to say my view on God has changed, but my wife is still a Baptist at heart. I know she sees me as something devilish insted of a woman. I can't just unbelieve in God even though I had wished I could have in the past. I feel like I have gotten to know God better through all of this, yet my life to her does not testify of it because of the way she see me deep down.
I have found that religion was pushing me from God, not who I am as transgendered. I have imbraced who I am just as I have been imbraced by God's love for me. I have two things that move me. Love they neibgher as thy self to love them as God has love me. I have been excepted by God and knowing this has made me want to do two things. educate about us so others can understand that we are human and seek to be love by people that say that they love us. Second let others like myself know that God does except us as women and men even though the rest of the world can't see it. I did not mean to turn this into a good news message, but it is what it is.
Lainey:
The thing about being transsexual and transitioning is that it is not only a transition for you, but everyone around you as well. But while you have had your entire life to come to terms with this, to others, especially those closest to you, they may feel blindsided and betrayed. After all, you may have not discussed this with your spouse before you married her. You may not have even accepted yourself as a trans person at that time and were in deep denial. So others may feel that you were lying to them and in fact you were lying to yourself as well.
Goddess/God/Supreme Being/That Which Passeth All Understanding knows you no matter what clothes you wear, what color of your skin, what body your soul enveloped in. Few can carry the blessing that we have and we are stronger for it. You have taken a courageous step in coming out to help educate others. This is so very helpful, and thank you for that.
So many of us feel isolated, that we are alone, that we are somehow unique and perverted. The more that others see that this is simply a trick of fate, a birth defect and nothing more, the more it will be accepted as such.
I'm sorry that your spouse has these feelings, but this transition takes time to accept. If she is reading these words, please know that I hope that she can come to understanding that this is not done for a lark, or any sort of titillation or gratification.
It is not a choice. Really, who would CHOOSE to be rejected, abandoned, abused physically and emotionally by our closest loved ones? Who would CHOOSE to be beaten, tortured or murdered? This is not something that can be cured by drugs or scripture. This is not something that gets better. It can be suppressed, sometimes for decades, but it will return. It will get worse. And it will kill. The clinical deep depression that surrounds GID is a spiral down that has no exit. Most of us actively contemplate suicide on a regular basis. Many of us attempt it. Some of us succeed. We don't really know how many because so few statistics are compiled regarding GID and suicide.
I know too, that most spouses and family can have a very difficult time accepting GID. For the most part, most trans people are so good at hiding that most family member have no idea that they have this blessing-inside-a-curse. And most, if not all, feel betrayed. It is an unfortunate statistic that many partnerships dissolve because of this. If the relationship can survive, then it should truly be treasured. If you and your spouse can work through this, there can be compromise on both sides. But while you can compromise on timeframes, you cannot compromise on goals. It will take work and counselling on both your parts. If you are in therapy, perhaps you can have your spouse go as well for some family counselling as well.
Lainey, this process becomes public sooner or later. Being Democrat, Republican, Christian, or Jewish, have something in common in that it doesn't show unless you decide tell someone. Being trans shows. It becomes apparent, it becomes manifest as we proceed. And that is when we become most vulnerable. I hope that you can have strength during this time.
-Sandy
Thanks sandy
You are right.
QuoteIt may not have taken so long to understand myself if the knowledge was not being kept from me by society. I labelled myself many things seeking who I am, yet nothing fit. I did not even know that I had options to transition until I was married. I do blame myself for some of this but not all. If I had learned earlyer I may have made better disisions in life.
Religion played a big roll in this also. I was a Baptist how I felt back then was it was just sin working in me. I begged God to take away how I felt, well he never did. I asked why he would not just fix me like everyone else. Needless to say my view on God has changed, but my wife is still a Baptist at heart. I know she sees me as something devilish insted of a woman. I can't just unbelieve in God even though I had wished I could have in the past. I feel like I have gotten to know God better through all of this, yet my life to her does not testify of it because of the way she see me deep down.
I could have written that myself - word for word.
It's exactly where I am right now.
Being the spouse of a transsexual in transition is more emotionaly taxing than being transsexual. I know this very personaly and intimatly.
Even though I am accepting of Sevans transition and I know how much good has come from it I find myself wishing for my old wife back.
Even though I know how much troubles ze had before transition I find myself wishing for her back.
So be easy on your spouses out there. Especialy if they didnt know you were transgender before they married you. Watching a spouse transition is hard however it isnt all suck, I have a spouse who smiles. Who is engaged with the world and who is not suicidal. I think those are pay off enough to stay with hir.
@ Everybody:
Wonderful posts, peeps. So interesting ... so informative.
@ Sandy in Chicago:
Your post utterly blew me away, girl! You've "hit me where I live" with your wise words. Others are so moved by them too, I'm sure. "Thank you!" is all I know to say, but it's not enough ... profound words, Sandy, ... PROFOUND. You told it JUST like it IS.
Quote from: cynthialee on October 17, 2010, 06:07:05 PM
Being the spouse of a transsexual in transition is more emotionaly taxing than being transsexual. I know this very personaly and intimatly.
Even though I am accepting of Sevans transition and I know how much good has come from it I find myself wishing for my old wife back.
Even though I know how much troubles ze had before transition I find myself wishing for her back.
So be easy on your spouses out there. Especialy if they didnt know you were transgender before they married you. Watching a spouse transition is hard however it isnt all suck, I have a spouse who smiles. Who is engaged with the world and who is not suicidal. I think those are pay off enough to stay with hir.
Cynthialee, are you saying that Sevan will eventually have an operation to become a man ? If so,I find that very cute, that you both transitioned a diffrent sex. That is true love. :)
No Sevan is not a man.
Sevan is an androgyne who happens to use T. Although my mate has a very masculine brain that operates at optimum preformance on T ze has no intention of transitioning to man. No trans surgeries on the table. Perhaps a breast reduction but not a chest reconstruction like the guys get. Ze likes having girl and boy traits. Having a beard and breasts makes my mate happy as a clam.
Where a standard issue transsexual needs to be on one side of the gender divide, Sevan stradles that divide in comfort and style.
Ze really opened my mind to the fact that gender is not just boy and girl.
Quote from: Lacey Lynne on October 21, 2010, 01:02:22 AM
@ Sandy in Chicago:
Your post utterly blew me away, girl! You've "hit me where I live" with your wise words. Others are so moved by them too, I'm sure. "Thank you!" is all I know to say, but it's not enough ... profound words, Sandy, ... PROFOUND. You told it JUST like it IS.
Thank you for the compliment Lacey! You are very kind.
-Sandy
Quote from: cynthialee on October 28, 2010, 10:22:24 PM
No Sevan is not a man.
Sevan is an androgyne who happens to use T. Although my mate has a very masculine brain that operates at optimum preformance on T ze has no intention of transitioning to man. No trans surgeries on the table. Perhaps a breast reduction but not a chest reconstruction like the guys get. Ze likes having girl and boy traits. Having a beard and breasts makes my mate happy as a clam.
Where a standard issue transsexual needs to be on one side of the gender divide, Sevan stradles that divide in comfort and style.
Ze really opened my mind to the fact that gender is not just boy and girl.
Thanks Cynthia, Ive always heard the word androgyne, but wasnt sure what it meant. You described it pretty well.
Quote from: Sandy on October 28, 2010, 11:20:10 PM
Thank you for the compliment Lacey! You are very kind.
-Sandy
It is a VERY sincere and heart-felt compliment, honey. When you're in overdrive, like with this comment, it blows me away. SUCH wisdom and SO well-said.
Due to circumstances, Lacey's a hurtin' puppy and may have to settle for being an androgyne ... and a sorry one at that. Like Cindy James in Adelaide says, "The black dog is running." I may be near the end of my life. However, I want to tell you all how much affection and respect I have for you all.
Do we spend too much time at Susan's Place? I certainly do, and all of you have explained why with your marvelous posts to this thread. You old-timers and pros on this website and who have gone very far, if not completed, with transition rock my world: Sandy in Chicago, Janet Lynn, The Two Julies (Julie Marie and Juliekins), K8, Rejennyrated and Alison in England ... people like that.
Even though my way of speaking and thinking is off-putting and annoying to plenty of people, I mean well. It's just me. Can't change that. If I'm gone soon, please, try to remember me in a kind way. :'(
Lacey Lynne we always enjoy your posts and you are not off putting! What ever anybody's status is post op, androgyne, pre op; the fact is we ( Erocse and I) admire everyone with wise and good things to post about life and thier experiences. You are right up there with everyone you mentioned. I hope what you said about not being around is an exaggeration because it makes us sad. I hope you have a Happy Halloween and we look forward to seeing and reading many more posts.
Big Hugs!!!
from,
Mrs. Erocse and Erocse.
Well my parents and my ex-wife still think I was "brain-washed" by the internetz! God.
find a man,.cooking and cleaning will fill up your time among other gaps to be filled
get a life.can't help you with this one
I like your posts as well lacey.
As for being stuck, I know that well. You, I and others of our generation have been through quite a bit. To coin a phrase, we might not get to the promised land, but we can sure see it.
If you think about it, our generation had so many hopes and dreams. Most have come crumbling down. War seems to be almost acceptable. But individualism has increased. Self expression is taking its place, albeit, slowly, as the paramount freedom.
We didn't do that bad.
For the likes of you and I, I think we just need to try to continue with the self control really. We might achieve something for ourselves yet.
When I see the likes of Jerica, transforming into the beautiful woman she has always been inside, it gives me hope.
Quote from: Jerica on October 29, 2010, 04:42:58 PM
Well my parents and my ex-wife still think I was "brain-washed" by the internetz! God.
My wife says the same thing, in so many words.
Quote
Due to circumstances, Lacey's a hurtin' puppy and may have to settle for being an androgyne ... and a sorry one at that. Like Cindy James in Adelaide says, "The black dog is running." I may be near the end of my life.
I know the standard issue reply here is "DON'T!" and by not reacting that way, I hope you don't read it as lack of affection for you or deep concern for your well being but...i just can't bring myself to give the standard reply.
I know what it is to feel like you feel. I know deeply the "logic" that says "Why should I keep banging my head against this wall? Even if I succeed is it too late to enjoy what I've gained?"
I decide, anew, every time that feeling comes that, on balance, it's better not to. Al of us, of course, have different circumstances and what convinces me might not apply in your life. what i would say is DO take time to do a really careful analysis.
For instance, when I consider whether I'm too old - I think of my sisters here living a full life who are older than me, sometimes by over a decade. when i think I might be a "freak" hated by the world, I give thought to the increasing number of "normal" people who seem to be accepting me as "normal" too. If EVERYONE doesn't hate you, then there's hope. So on and so forth.
Don't let the dark emotions drive your choices without doing the math. I don't have to tell you that you have a lot of emotional support here. I'll bet if we knew who was close to you you could get some face to face support if it took that to help you hang on.
I'll say a prayer for you sister. Be as strong as you can.
Tammy's right.
We get one life. It ain't over till the fat lady sings.
OK, so we missed this or that, not a lot of point in dwelling on what's gone. Life begins now as they say.
Regarding the internet. Informed.
Anyone who thinks anything could brain wash us into this is grasping at straws.
I was glad at first to just except myself. I had such a load removed from me when the right label was found, yet I had not take everything into account. I don't know what I was thinking. I am going on with life. I was not thinking about what everyone was going to think just what do I do next?