I know I'm a guy, but I keep trying to tell myself differently.
My biological gender depresses me, but at the same time, I'm not sure how I feel about surgery. I'm scared that if I get top and/or bottom surgery, I'll realize I made a mistake or something.
I'm kind of hoping that one morning, I'll wake up and realize that it was all a mistake, despite the fact that I've wanted to be a guy since I was four (although I managed to repress that feeling, after giving up when I was 4, until I was 11-13 and I thought I was weird, and then again until now.)
I look in the mirror, and no matter what how much of a girl I look like, I see a guy. I've always wondered why, when people called me pretty, I could see it, but it didn't quite fit. I looked at myself in the mirror, and something was wrong.
Then I started thinking, you know, maybe I just like the fantasy of being a boy. Kind of like, how if you ask somebody if they could be the opposite gender for a day, what they would do and they end up with this list of things that cisguys and cisgirls don't always get away with (for example, I've met a lot of girls who say they'd throw a party and sleep with a bunch of girls if they woke up one morning as a guy, but I mean, wouldn't they still like guys?)
And I mean, sure, sleeping with girls sounds nice - and at first, when I started honestly questioning my gender, I only thought about my fantasies as the other gender until I started thinking into the future. When I'm old, do I want to be a little old man or a little old woman? Of course, I want to be a little old man when I'm old.
Granted, I still have extreme fantasies of if I had been born a guy, but I mean, that's normal. Everybody has fantasies about how their life would be if they had done it differently.
Anyway, I've been trying to blame my transsexuality/->-bleeped-<- on anything I can: my bad coming out experience as bisexual to my mom (no doubt the worst day of my life - and something that I'm forcing myself to forget), hanging out with my step brother too much when I was 9-12, my mom never straining gender roles... However, I'm sure that my transsexuality, if I had been raised differently, would have still popped up somewhere - maybe at a different age because I wouldn't have realized as soon as I have - but it would have still appeared.
I've tried being a girl, and every time I wear girls' clothes, I feel completely wrong. It's never made sense to me when I look in the mirror and I'm shocked that I'm looking at myself. Most of the time, it won't even register. If somebody shows me a picture of me that they took, I have to double take and I'll still be surprised to know that that's what I look like.
Honestly, I just avoid mirrors. I look in the mirror to do my hair and when I'm brushing my teeth.
I haven't worn a dress since I was 2 (unfortunately, I bought one this past weekend for my friend's quinceanera coming up this weekend); I haven't worn a bathing suit for at least 3 years - when I go swimming, I wear my clothes into the pool and just don't bind (those are some of the times that I actually wear a real bra.)
Damn, I really need to start a diary. I feel like I'm spamming the FtM section with my ->-bleeped-<-. :-\
So, uh, I just needed to write this all out. I've been having a bad day. If you want to reply, go ahead. I tend to make a lot of long-winded posts. Sorry. And now that I read back, this post didn't really lead to anything. I guess I could start a discussion? Maybe? Uh..has anyone else ever wanted this to pass over? I don't exactly want to waste 1/3 of my life as a girl.
In other words...I finished my bag that I had to make for my Fashion class at school and I got an A on it. ;D I don't know when I'm ever going to use it though. Our next project is pajama pants, which is better. That's something I could actually use. Lol. In the magazine to buy fabric that we use for that class, I saw we could make boxers. That might get me a lot of looks though, so I might just want to make the pants. Then again, if I make boxers, it'll give me a pair to wear, but I really don't want to get attention for making boxers in my class. There's only one cisguy in that class and I'm not out, so it would definitely receive attention. -shrug- I'll make pants. I need pants anyway. Winter is coming up and I don't have any pajama pants to wear.
If it makes you feel any better, I sometimes have similar thoughts. I actually stumbled on the phrase transgender and transsexual when I was 16, and I blew it off and said "Oh, it's just my hormones, I'm being stupid." until 2 years later when a friend broke down to me because he was extremely confused about his situation. We talked about it and we found that we were the same (only reverse) Then I started being more comfortable with the idea and we helped each other out. But I sometimes go "Wait...maybe this is just a stupid phase, and I'm trying to be a rebellious teenager" And I try hard to just accept my bits and call myself "she" but that depresses me further and it never feels right. It's a depression thing. At least for me, I get very depressed because I do not have the parts and I might not ever so my mind tries to create some kind of a false comfort.
Anyway, a therapist always goes over this stuff and makes very sure that a person needs the surgery and hormones and such before giving it a go. That way a person won't get on something and then regret it. They also test for whether it's just a fetish or not. Either way, for now, it's best to just go with what makes you happy and push those doubts out of the way. Maybe years in the future, you find out you were wrong and you enjoy being a female. Who cares? You can be female then, and think of everything leading up to that point as a journey. Nothing is ever set in stone.
Hope that helped anyway, it just sounds like you suffer from the same depression as me and tons and tons and tons of other FTMs.
I never tried to suppress my feelings until I actually found out what "transgender" means. For whatever reason, once I out a name to it, I thought it would just be easier to go along with my life, not caring about my gender. But then I'd sit awake in the wee hours of the morning, and realise that I don't want to be that old lady who sits alone in her house all day. I want to be the grandpa who takes his grandkids to baseball games.
I've lived a lie long enough, let alone lying about lying, so that people wouldn't think I'm weird. No more lying for me.
Also, I don't thin you're spamming the section. A lot of people feel the same way but feel that if they say anything, they'll be ridiculed. Diaries are good, though. It's very therapeutic, I find. I don't do it everyday, but anytime I ever just want to get the feelings about. I write little journal entries every now and then, and I burn them whenever I go outside for meditation. That way, the feelings are out, but nobody else gets to know what I'm feeling.
Be who you are whether its transgendered, androgenic, gender fluid, gender queer, or whatever you want to call it. Just don't form yourself to become something when you're already molded into what you're supposed to be.
I hoped it was a phase too, Devyn. I'm as worried as you are about taking steps towards a transition; you're not alone in this fear. I feel like I'm trying to cling to any reason I can to try to kid myself that I'm OK with being female too.
I understand. Please, don't be like me. Do what makes you happy.
I always wished it was a phase, that one day I would just wake up and feel normal. I'm 21 and that hasn't happened yet and it's not going to. It would certainly make life easier.
A lot of people who are transgender in one way or another have gone through exactly what you just described. It's not unusual to wish something like that, I mean, our lives are difficult. We deal with surgery, drugs, losing some friends and family, discrimination, passing woes, and that's just a few. The thing that keeps me going, and wanting to change my life so I am who I am, is the thought of living finally without unneeded stress. Being happy in my skin, not having to avoid mirrors. Feeling sexy as a man, not as a woman ;)
Only you can say whether this is a phase or not, but from what you've said here and elsewhere on the forum, I'm pretty sure you're a mature 15 year old who knows what he wants. Your doubts are legitimate, and necessary. You're making a big change, if you didn't think twice on it, that would be irresponsible. Just don't ever force yourself to do something you don't feel you should do, or something you don't want to do. Don't do anything that's not for you, but purely for someone else, especially if you know it will hurt you.
I'd give almost anything to wake up one morning and just feel normal, to not cringe at every "she" I hear and have my gender not bother me.
It completely baffles me when people say to me that I'm only transitioning to escape and take the "easy way out" and become someone else. The EASY way out? are they KIDDING? I just don't understand how they can possibly think living life as a transsexual would be easier than living life as a cisperson.
Quote from: Devyn on October 18, 2010, 08:41:48 PM
I know I'm a guy, but I keep trying to tell myself differently.
My biological gender depresses me, but at the same time, I'm not sure how I feel about surgery. I'm scared that if I get top and/or bottom surgery, I'll realize I made a mistake or something.
I'm kind of hoping that one morning, I'll wake up and realize that it was all a mistake, despite the fact that I've wanted to be a guy since I was four (although I managed to repress that feeling, after giving up when I was 4, until I was 11-13 and I thought I was weird, and then again until I was 15, which is now.)
I look in the mirror, and no matter what how much of a girl I look like, I see a guy. I've always wondered why, when people called me pretty, I could see it, but it didn't quite fit. I looked at myself in the mirror, and something was wrong.
Then I started thinking, you know, maybe I just like the fantasy of being a boy. Kind of like, how if you ask somebody if they could be the opposite gender for a day, what they would do and they end up with this list of things that cisguys and cisgirls don't always get away with (for example, I've met a lot of girls who say they'd throw a party and sleep with a bunch of girls if they woke up one morning as a guy, but I mean, wouldn't they still like guys?)
And I mean, sure, sleeping with girls sounds nice - and at first, when I started honestly questioning my gender, I only thought about my fantasies as the other gender until I started thinking into the future. When I'm old, do I want to be a little old man or a little old woman? Of course, I want to be a little old man when I'm old.
Granted, I still have extreme fantasies of if I had been born a guy, but I mean, that's normal. Everybody has fantasies about how their life would be if they had done it differently.
Anyway, I've been trying to blame my transsexuality/->-bleeped-<- on anything I can: my bad coming out experience as bisexual to my mom (no doubt the worst day of my life - and something that I'm forcing myself to forget), hanging out with my step brother too much when I was 9-12, my mom never straining gender roles... However, I'm sure that my transsexuality, if I had been raised differently, would have still popped up somewhere - maybe at a different age because I wouldn't have realized as soon as I have - but it would have still appeared.
I've tried being a girl, and every time I wear girls' clothes, I feel completely wrong. It's never made sense to me when I look in the mirror and I'm shocked that I'm looking at myself. Most of the time, it won't even register. If somebody shows me a picture of me that they took, I have to double take and I'll still be surprised to know that that's what I look like.
Honestly, I just avoid mirrors. I look in the mirror to do my hair and when I'm brushing my teeth.
I haven't worn a dress since I was 2 (unfortunately, I bought one this past weekend for my friend's quinceanera coming up this weekend); I haven't worn a bathing suit for at least 3 years - when I go swimming, I wear my clothes into the pool and just don't bind (those are some of the times that I actually wear a real bra.)
Damn, I really need to start a diary. I feel like I'm spamming the FtM section with my ->-bleeped-<-. :-\
So, uh, I just needed to write this all out. I've been having a bad day. If you want to reply, go ahead. I tend to make a lot of long-winded posts. Sorry. And now that I read back, this post didn't really lead to anything. I guess I could start a discussion? Maybe? Uh..has anyone else ever wanted this to pass over? I don't exactly want to waste 1/3 of my life as a girl.
In other words...I finished my bag that I had to make for my Fashion class at school and I got an A on it. ;D I don't know when I'm ever going to use it though. Our next project is pajama pants, which is better. That's something I could actually use. Lol. In the magazine to buy fabric that we use for that class, I saw we could make boxers. That might get me a lot of looks though, so I might just want to make the pants. Then again, if I make boxers, it'll give me a pair to wear, but I really don't want to get attention for making boxers in my class. There's only one cisguy in that class and I'm not out, so it would definitely receive attention. -shrug- I'll make pants. I need pants anyway. Winter is coming up and I don't have any pajama pants to wear.
It is a phase, phase I "pain in the ass life", time to move on to phase II "transition".
Heh, i know its the ftm forum but i am sure you will find both FTMs and MTFs that felt the same way you did, i think pretty much we all did. Trust me if it went on for that long its not a phase, and it wont go away. You will only end up regretting it when you do it at 32 instead of 18. Like i do....
Like a lot of the other people who commented said, I really know where you're coming from with wanting it to just go away, but not being able to deny ultimately, who you are. The worry of regretting any important decision you may make about your gender is also something I get.
I guess the best advice I've been given on this topic is:
A) Give yourself time. I'm eighteen, you're fifteen, we're both so young. We still have a lot of time ahead of us, and things can change between then and now. The important thing is not to force the change, because feeling depressed over it is bad enough; coercing yourself into a new way of thinking and living just adds a whole new spectrum of burden and self-loathing to it.
B) If you feel like a man, keep embracing it. Do things that make you happy, wear clothes you feel comfortable in as your gender, and share your thoughts with those who you are out to and matter to you.
C) Remember that you are wonderful however you are, and however you turn out in the coming years. Those who love and accept you will be fine with whatever changes you decide to implement into your life.
I hope this helps, and really, I feel where you're coming from. If you ever need someone to talk to, feel free to message me.
Quote from: Jeatyn on October 19, 2010, 11:13:59 AM
I'd give almost anything to wake up one morning and just feel normal, to not cringe at every "she" I hear and have my gender not bother me.
It completely baffles me when people say to me that I'm only transitioning to escape and take the "easy way out" and become someone else. The EASY way out? are they KIDDING? I just don't understand how they can possibly think living life as a transsexual would be easier than living life as a cisperson.
Baffles me too. My grandma told me it was because I'm lazy and didn't want to shave head to toe.
Quote from: Samson on October 19, 2010, 11:46:38 AM
Like a lot of the other people who commented said, I really know where you're coming from with wanting it to just go away, but not being able to deny ultimately, who you are. The worry of regretting any important decision you may make about your gender is also something I get.
I guess the best advice I've been given on this topic is:
A) Give yourself time. I'm eighteen, you're fifteen, we're both so young. We still have a lot of time ahead of us, and things can change between then and now. The important thing is not to force the change, because feeling depressed over it is bad enough; coercing yourself into a new way of thinking and living just adds a whole new spectrum of burden and self-loathing to it.
B) If you feel like a man, keep embracing it. Do things that make you happy, wear clothes you feel comfortable in as your gender, and share your thoughts with those who you are out to and matter to you.
C) Remember that you are wonderful however you are, and however you turn out in the coming years. Those who love and accept you will be fine with whatever changes you decide to implement into your life.
I hope this helps, and really, I feel where you're coming from. If you ever need someone to talk to, feel free to message me.
This is really good advice ;)
I know it's not a phase for me (unfortunately for my mom, who keeps insisting it is), but I've tried to at least be okay living as female, tried to make myself like it...or at least be able to tolerate it. I've come to realize and try to accept that I will never be happy as a female...the way a part of me dies inside every time I get called she or m'am, the exhilaration at being called he and sir, the disgust with certain parts of my body, watching an mtf's video and realizing I'll never have that happiness at being a woman. I'm trying to ignore it right now because I don't have the money. And even if I did, there are still things about transition that I have fears about--total rejection from my mom, needles, surgery, whether I'll be able to fit in with the guys, dealing with getting paperwork done (terrifying for someone with social anxiety), among others. So yeah, it'd definitely make my life easier, less complicated, and less scary if it was a phase. But I don't think it is.
Quote from: Izumi on October 19, 2010, 11:27:47 AMTrust me if it went on for that long its not a phase, and it wont go away. You will only end up regretting it when you do it at 32 instead of 18. Like i do....
She speaks wise and true words. It never goes away... and it just gets worse.