I am laying in bed right now in tears. The wife is going to see a lawyer this morning to start the process of divorce. She says she still loves me and is not abandoning me, but it feels a lot like rejection from this end. Like I am being put in a dinghy to be set adrift and the only thing left to argue is how many supplies I will need to survive for awhile. A part of me is in shock. I really just don't know what to say or do. From 15th anniversary to divorce in three months. Stunned, I'm just stunned.
I was shown the door and packed and gone in three weeks from coming out.
it was an interesting experience but does explain why I'm a little jaded about the excuses some people put forward for not transitioning or the difficulties it brings.
she may think twice before signing the final papers once the reality of the situation she will be in sinks in.
at least now you know you can go forward as there is no way either of you can turn the clock back.
My wife and I are still trying to find a way through all this ... and I'm as ambivalent as her about the whole thing ... As much as I desperately want the love and support of my family, I also feel a strong need to be free to be who I want to be without constantly worrying about their reactions, or feeling concerned that i am causing embarrassment or shame ... and that may require me to go it alone.
In the meantime, I also feel that I have no automatic right to my wife's continuing love or support. She married someone she believed was a 'normal' man. Now she is having to cope with a husband who is very seriously contemplating transition into womanhood. As it happens, she has been incredibly understanding, all things considered. But even so, she's perfectly entitled to feel that the marriage contract has been broken ...
BTW .. this is just my marriage I'm talking about here: not seeking to comment on anyone else's ... and Melody, I'm so sorry that you're upset an I quite understand how lonely and vulnerable this would make you feel ...
Quote from: Melody on October 22, 2010, 09:43:57 AM
I am laying in bed right now in tears. The wife is going to see a lawyer this morning to start the process of divorce. She says she still loves me and is not abandoning me, but it feels a lot like rejection from this end. Like I am being put in a dinghy to be set adrift and the only thing left to argue is how many supplies I will need to survive for awhile. A part of me is in shock. I really just don't know what to say or do. From 15th anniversary to divorce in three months. Stunned, I'm just stunned.
Melody my heart goes out to you :icon_hug:.
I'm sure that you were aware of this possibility even if only from reading the posts of others on here, but I know that it is still a terrible shock when something like this actually happens and goes from being a possibility to a very real certainty.
I wish I could wave a wand and make it all go away, but the reality is that the best I can do is assure you that you will get through this.
When things look bleak for me I always remind myself of the old saying that the night is darkest just before dawn. I don't know if it is actually true, but somehow the idea that it might be always manages to keep me going for long enough to reach that dawn.
You will survive, and if you find yourself on your own be confident that you will find another partner. In many ways, though it may not feel like it now, this can be a new beginning.
So chin up - and be brave.
Jenny x.
Awwww Melody. I am sorry to hear this news. But it is a 50-50 shot as to whether or not the marriage survives. You feel hurt and maybe even betrayed. But then again she may also.
Having been through the whole thing myself. I would recommend getting a lawyer yourself. I wish I had, because I agreed way to quickly to things she wanted to go through with the divorce.
It hurts now, but it does get better. And you might even still be friends. My ex and I are somewhat friendly.
This too shall pass, sister.
Huggles.
I'm sorry to hear this Melody. I'm not in quite the same situation, I've got a 2 year grace period. What you said about feeling "like I am being put in a dinghy to be set adrift and the only thing left to argue is how many supplies I will need to survive for awhile" sounds like how I'll feel when my time's up. I hope things get better.
I really just don't know what to say or do
Well I have no idea what you should say, but I sure know what you should do. You should get a lawyer NOW! And as long as you have to get one, get the meanest, nastiest shark you can find. Lots of people go through this process 'stunned' and then get really stunned when they find out they have lost everything they currently have, and a huge % of what they are going to make.
Melody.
My compassion and empathy goes out to you, at this time.
Lilacwoman. Thank you for that insight into your own problems. I know precious little about you but feel a lot of compassion for you.
While I do understand how many partners feel when someone transisions, we all married, for better or worse. Granted they may not have known beforehand, then again, there is so much we don't know before we marry.
We cannot be expected to live in misery because they can't accept part of who they discover, we were, all along.
If I may add.
Read #6
Melody, I'm sorry things went this way but not surprised. I only know one couple that has (so far) survived the coming out.
But whatever you do, don't get caught up in the guilt thing. I've seen so many TGs take on all the blame and then get taken to the cleaners in court. Like Kat said, find a GOOD lawyer, a really good one. Don't accept one just because he or she is LGBT friendly. You need one that is well versed in divorce and who will fight for your rights. Once that decree is set in court, you'll be saddled with it for a very long time. I've seen it and it's ugly. And if you try to go back after you've transitioned, you'd better hope your judge isn't a phobe. Do it right the first time!
This isn't the end of the world but most likely the beginning of a new life. Divorce is tough even when you know it's right but you will get through it and come out happier. I, and everyone I know who has been through this, have.
@ Melody:
E-hugs to you. This is SO sad. I'm facing this myself relatively soon. Look, I'm at work right now and cannot talk because of that, but I'll be back to encourage you tonight.
@ Julie Marie:
Great advice, Julie. Sad but true. The two Julies and Rejennyrated and Alison and couples like you are very fortunate to have found one another ... VERY FORTUNATE! Yes, I have an idea of what you went through to get to that point though. I've been in a near-suicidal funk as of late (Janet Lynne can confirm this!) due to all of this ... losing everything so late in life and not being financially set. Top it off with being disliked, unloved and the harsh real world we all face, and it's difficult sometimes.
Enough of that. I'll be back tonight to try and help out Melody. She needs us now. Thanks to everybody for encouraging her.
Melody:
Nighttime and done working. Look at these great comments people have made on your behalf. Your second post about your wife being the main breadwinner but wanting an amicable separate and divorce is GOOD news, actually.
If at all possible, avoid lawyers and lawsuits. Nobody wins in those situations ... except the lawyers ... by taking EVERYBODY to the cleaners with huge and unwarranted legal fees. Before I did this medical work I'm in now, I was a paralegal for several years ... after getting out of DJ-ing to get married and get stable. My point? The legal profession rooks people, pretty much.
Try to work it out peacefully and equitably with your wife. My wife feels pretty much like your wife does: She did NOT marry a woman. This ->-bleeped-<- HURTS, honey girl, and it goes with the territory. I'm discovering that there IS a life on the other side of all this and a darned GOOD life awaiting you, me and anybody and everybody else willing to just see it through. We are transitioning in SO many ways. Just see it through.
@ Octavianus:
Great comment, man. Righteous sentiment. You rock, dude.
bye
Thanks everyone. We are in a somewhat different situation in that my wife is the breadwinner and has always made more money than me even when we both worked. We have already worked through our assets and made preliminary agreements as to what we are dividing and how. I will also have significant time with my son. I am far from being "taken to the cleaners," in fact I will be walking away with a lot of her assets, but I won't sign anything that strays from our agreement. We still truly care and love each other and just want to see the other happy. It is perfectly possible that I will remain in the household for awhile even after the divorce. Basically, the lawyer is just there to file the necessary court papers to codify our agreements. However, it is still a divorce and a rejection of some sort. I am hurt by this. If I sense things going off the rails, I will make sure to protect myself.
Melody, I can't give you any advice on this matter but like all other beautiful people here I would like you to know that I think about you and wish to support you through this.
It is a hard time and like others pointed out before the grief comes from both sides. You feel naturally rejected by her, but she also has her sexual preference. If she feels she can't be married to a woman there is nothing to do about it. You are still the same person but her view on you has undoubtedly changed. At the moment you might want to try to salvage the friendship out of this relationship because you have spent so many years together. Feelings grown in this period won't go away that easily.
You will be stronger in the end for this.
I have been through a divorce that was amniable, (Not over trans issues.) and even if all parties are agreeable it hurts like hell.
Best of luck Melody.
I'm really sorry to hear that Melody, my heart and prayers go out to you. I'm single to this day, because I've always feared that possibility when the day to transition would come. As far as a lawyer goes you should grab one as suggested.
*Hugs*
Sincerely,
Kayla
Aw, sister, my heart is breaking for you. I am expecting a similar outcome. I'm planning to tell my kids about me this weekend, perhaps, and I half-expect that will be the trigger that blows everything to hell. I can't help it - I have to be who I am. I know I can't really prepare for the emotional pain that's coming, I'll just have to endure it, as you are. {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Melody}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} Please know my thoughts and prayers are with you. No words of encouragement can really help, I know, but I live these days by the following phrase: "Despite the stormy weather in which I find myself, I choose to believe in the rainbow." May your rainbow not be long in coming, honey. Please keep posting here and let us know how you're doing.
Melody,
I am sorry that you have to face this now. I have never felt prepared when these times come up. I too have a spouse who is the principal breadwinner for our household. My wife and I have also had similar conversations recently but it hasn't gone any further than discussing divorce, financial issues, etc... that is after the yelling & crying stopped. We are actually getting along much better than before these talks and can actually stand to be around each other for extended periods of time-that is saying alot believe me. I am not saying it will be that way for you but time may smooth things out for you both when the reality sets in.
Bye for now,
Randi
There is really not much animosity between my wife and me. There were a lot of tears, hurt feelings and some yelling earlier, but that is pretty much over now. We are just left with a sadness. It just basically comes down to that my wife is not attracted to women and can't see herself married and romantically involved with one.
Quote from: Melody on October 22, 2010, 06:35:35 PMIt just basically comes down to that my wife is not attracted to women and can't see herself married and romantically involved with one.
Mine hasn't thought it that far through yet, but I'm certain our outcome will be the same, for the same reasons. :'( :'( :'( :'( :'(
I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through, my heart goes out to you. Good luck and god bless.
My wife can't either, but we make it through another day somehow. It isn't what either of us wants but it is better than being apart! Security is worth more than being alone-at least for now.
Love,
randi
fwiw-Pick and choose what you want to hear on the forum-I have my reasons for not going further with my transition NOW and others would argue the point. We all have our own crosses to bear.
Quote from: Colleen Ireland on October 22, 2010, 06:56:30 PM
Mine hasn't thought it that far through yet, but I'm certain our outcome will be the same, for the same reasons. :'( :'( :'( :'( :'(
@ Colleen Ireland:
Consider yourself e-hugged, woman! Truly, our hearts go out to you too. :-\ We're here for you if and when you want to talk or just vent. For many of us, THIS is our support group. We're here for you. ;)
If any of you are the main breadwinner in your households like I am, you know the other side of the story. It's SO hard to cast the wife and/or significant other adrift ... knowing full well that they probably will not be able to take care of themselves very well. I'm in the same househould with mine right now for this very reason. I pay for almost everything. Funny thing is that now (surprise of surprises) there are about 3-4 people who are expressing interest in me in a relationship way (3 of the 4 are gg's). Limbo City. I cannot reciprocate their interest and simply cast my for-now wife and her kid adrift. They'd be in the streets if I did that. No way will I let that happen. Some situation. Catch 22 - Darned if I do ... darned if I don't. Oh, well. I will not foresake them ... cannot foresake them. I'm an idiot, true, but an idiot with a conscience.
Other people are looking to me for help also. I've vowed to help them, and I will. I keep my word. In these days and times, I guess that makes me a fool, but I'm THAT kind of fool.
Have a hug from me too Melody. My situation is a little different as my crew jumped ship with the purser's safe and took passage with a ship sailing in the other direction, so to speak.
It hurt like I wouldn't have believed posible, and if i had been as emotionally aware as I am now, I would have totally fallen apart.
Definitely examine everything the lawyers do, unless they are explicitly acting for the both you and your wife.
Stay strong babe, Sandra.
Oh Melody, this is one of those moments we all fear. My heart is with you!
Just two nights ago my wife and I have also been talking about this, and it seems everytime we talk, divorce is brought up with less tears. One day it will be my turn, and for the same reasons: she says she still loves me but can't stand the idea of being married to a woman.
Big hug and keep strong,
Marleen
Thank you again ladies. It hurts a little less this morning. The wife is away overnight with my son at a cub scout camp. It is nice to take a breather.
Hi Melody, for most of our lives we live a lie but a quiet, secret lie it is and so it just becomes our pain. When we finally unleash this demon onto light of day, it becomes a storm. I am not surprised least for our loved ones to feel betrayed, after all we our selves feel betrayed by our own demons. Our instincts tell, we should get more love from them especially when in such turmoil but the truth is, they feel betrayed by us and feel as well we have stopped loving them.
It isn't something we have any control over, and please, please don't blame your self for it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And don't worry what this lawyer said or that lawyer said, love your wife like you did or better show her more love despite being hurt and abandoned, let her see you, NEW YOU, as or more loving than ever before. If she hurts your feelings, understand that she probably has no other way to cope with this new storm in her life.
And if your marriage falls apart and you loose the one you loved, think of all the good that marriage has brought to your life, and finally brought you to this point, when you become "YOU"
From every pain, new joy arises, from every death, new life!
All my love girl, Alexia.
I told my wife last night as we were going to bed that I was planning to tell the kids (reminder: they're 19, 24 and 27, all still at home). She's dead-set against it, obviously, but we did have another conversation, again she's trying to convince me it can't be real, and/or I have less-divisive options. Right. Anyway, she asked me what I would want to happen with us, and I said I'd ideally like us to stay together, but realistically I don't see how it could work, I'm not willing to live a celibate existence, and she obviously can't see herself married to a woman. We talked briefly about the practical aspects of separation/divorce, and I said we don't have to make all the decisions right now. She also asked if my therapist might have experience talking with SOFFA's. My therapist DID email me some links to straight-spouse support for her, which I've forwarded, and I've also emailed my therapist asking if my wife might attend our next session if she's willing. Anyway, progress (of a sort) is being made. Not sure where it's going yet. Trying to be brave...
Quote from: alexia elliot on October 23, 2010, 10:02:33 AM
Hi Melody, for most of our lives we live a lie but a quiet, secret lie it is and so it just becomes our pain. When we finally unleash this demon onto light of day, it becomes a storm. I am not surprised least for our loved ones to feel betrayed, after all we our selves feel betrayed by our own demons. Our instincts tell, we should get more love from them especially when in such turmoil but the truth is, they feel betrayed by us and feel as well we have stopped loving them.
It isn't something we have any control over, and please, please don't blame your self for it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And don't worry what this lawyer said or that lawyer said, love your wife like you did or better show her more love despite being hurt and abandoned, let her see you, NEW YOU, as or more loving than ever before. If she hurts your feelings, understand that she probably has no other way to cope with this new storm in her life.
And if your marriage falls apart and you loose the one you loved, think of all the good that marriage has brought to your life, and finally brought you to this point, when you become "YOU"
From every pain, new joy arises, from every death, new life!
All my love girl, Alexia.
Alexia,
Thank you very much. I will take these words to heart.
Quote from: Colleen Ireland on October 23, 2010, 10:03:56 AM
I told my wife last night as we were going to bed that I was planning to tell the kids (reminder: they're 19, 24 and 27, all still at home). She's dead-set against it, obviously, but we did have another conversation, again she's trying to convince me it can't be real, and/or I have less-divisive options. Right. Anyway, she asked me what I would want to happen with us, and I said I'd ideally like us to stay together, but realistically I don't see how it could work, I'm not willing to live a celibate existence, and she obviously can't see herself married to a woman. We talked briefly about the practical aspects of separation/divorce, and I said we don't have to make all the decisions right now. She also asked if my therapist might have experience talking with SOFFA's. My therapist DID email me some links to straight-spouse support for her, which I've forwarded, and I've also emailed my therapist asking if my wife might attend our next session if she's willing. Anyway, progress (of a sort) is being made. Not sure where it's going yet. Trying to be brave...
Colleen, I am sorry you are dealing with this stuff too. However, I think it is a very good sign that she seems to be willing to consider going to a therapist. My wife was pretty resistant before, but she is very happy now she decided to go to therapy. If you think your wife might benefit from talking to mine, PM me.
melody, i'm sorry to hear that. my wife and separated a few years ago and she gave the same reason of not wanting to be with another girl, the only thing i left with was my clothes and most of my own things and no money to find my own place. she just come out and said i needed to go stay some where else until we get things figured out, well 4 years later she's still trying to figure things out. with us the storm came before the demon was released, it was able to be seen in its cage though
I haven't married yet, but sometimes I feel so angry that gender is binary - male or female.
The concept of gender is so grounded and dictates so much of our lives. It's the basis of all our relationships. Deep down inside, we're all human beings and we just want to be loved and accepted. In a perfect world, our significant other will love us for who we are. In this world, it's a little tougher.
Forgive me if this is a little early to be saying this, but I believe we all have a special someone who will accept & love us for we truly are out there. Your wife may not be the right person at the moment. Maybe you'll meet someone who is right.
Life throws curve balls or... lemons. I say since we have to go through so much crap, we might as well become pros at making good lemonade.
For Melody and all those who're going through a similar tough situation, my heart and sympathy goes out to you ladies.
While it's true that few relationships survive transition, a divorce is not a bad thing. You'd have to get one before you could legally change your gender anyway. The divorce can put a clear end to your old relationship, and let you start building a new one, as your new, real self.