My son is 14 and I am new here. I want to understand how he is feeling so I can help support him with his situation. I am trying to learn what I can so we can get thru this together.
He has as long as I can remember cross dressed. It started out when he was very young. I remember we were shopping for a bathing suit for him and he kept insisting on a girl's suit he was probably 4 or 5 years old at this point. He would go into my closet and play with my clothes which I allowed. He would lock the door because I feel he felt it was wrong but I would just let him play dress up and not make a big deal out of it. I had thought he had grown out of it but apparently he has not. He lives with his father and step mother but I see him very often. I have spoken to his step mother and both she and I are trying to understand what he is going thru. He has never made any remarks to me about wanting to be a girl.
I will explain the most recent episode. It is graphic so please do not read on if you are offended. I just want to be able to explain and understand so I can support him:
I left the other night to go xmas shopping and my BF was home with my son. BF left for 20 minutes and when he got back son was naked wrapped in a blanket and my (sorry graphic part) dildo was lying on the floor. My son ran and locked himself in the bathroom and BF called me to come home to handle the situation. I told my son to finish his bath and come out. He did and we went outside and talked. I explained it was very normal to masturbate but those things are done in private. I went inside and checked his back pack and a lot of my undies, bras and clothes were in there. I could see where he had worn my t backs and then put them in his back pack. He also had a vibrator hid in there. I also found a purse that had tampons and pads in it. When I pulled the purse out he said he got it from school and it was his. I just took the tampons and pads out and put them away and put the purse back in his back pack. I could tell he was embarrassed and I tried not to make a big deal out of it. His embarrassment turned into anger and he made a comment that he couldn't tell anyone what he was feeling. I took him for a walk and told him no matter what I love him and understand. I did ask if he was gay and he said he was not.
I spoke to his step mom the following day and she said she knew about the purse and that he had been stealing her bras and undies for quite some time. She mentioned once his dad pulled on his shorts and her t back strap popped out. I told her that he had tampons and pads and she said that she had also found them in the purse and pulled all of that out but let him keep the purse. Well he had been to my daughters and the brand of pads is what she uses so he must have stolen them from her.
I guess what I am asking here is how can I help my son. I can tell he is distressed over this.
Thank you for your advice
A concerned mother
Howdy Mom !
Yes it sounds like you have a sort of a problem there, and I sujest you and Him get to counceling as soon as possable...
the problem as I see it is you are not comunicateing.... you are reacting...
though your reactions are favorable it is not enough... you need to know what is going on inside that head of his...
its possable that the hormones of the teens are giveing him a hard run... but its also possable that he is truly a Transexual, meaning a male with a female brain.
.... so what ever the case, I think seeing a Sex theropest/transgender theropest is of upmost importance to you and Him.
You notice I said YOU and HIM go to counceling ? that is important ! because you need to understand what is going on before you can help.
I seriously doubt its a Phase he is going through... as parents like to chock these things off too.... because of his past and the bathing sute thing. so ignoreing it will just make things worse.... Seek counceling and do it now, you will be glad you did !
hog tie him if you have to ... its that serious !
...
and the next time he mentions no one can understand what I feel say " Your right ! because you arn't telling me how you feel, how can I tell ? "
you must open up comunication... not for control of your child, but for understanding.
its a tough subject and a hard one to discuss freely, but start getting used to it.
Just from what You posted I'ed say Your Kid is truly a TS , My Kid is a TS and had less outward signs than that. so I think the chances are very good that is what you have there.
....but the only way you'll ever know is to comunicate. as you have found out takeing away the things changes nothing.... its not a disciplin problem its a thinking problem.
....
hope that helps
....
Bob.......
Hello,
You sound like a great mom. I think your first step should be to let your son know that it is OK for him to be the way he is. If he feels you accept the way he is, then he will feel more comfortable talking about it. His/her fear is to reveal his/her feelings and have someone disapprove, ridicule or misunderstand. Promise not to reveal what you hear to anyone without permission and keep that promise no matter what. Whatever he/she is, let him/her know she is not alone, that there are many others the same age who feel the same. Get your son to go to a therapist that has experience in gender issues. The wrong therapist can do more harm than good. Treat him/her as an adult
and respect their privacy. This part of your sons life is the most important in his/her eyes. Treating this the right way will go a long way to allowing him/her to be happy and sucessful in all other phases of life. This isn't a phase, to your son it is all consuming and must be handled correctly. You certainly have started correctly in my opinion. I wish you the very best.
beth
dtsalkire,
You are a very brave mother indeed. There are very few in the world who are so willing to try to understand a problem such as this in their child. There has been some excellent advice on therapy so I shall not repeat that.
You did ask about what he is feeling... and I will address that part of your question. There is obviously a great conflict in his mind about his gender. I know, because I did similar acts when I was his age. He has this thing in his mind, running like a freight train out of control, pushing him to do anything to make him feel female. His actions stem from the fact that there is no relief for these desparate feelings that never go away. It is a hunger that is never satisfied. It is a mountain of frustration filled with desires he feels can never be quelled. It runs through every waking thought and most every dream he can remember. There is nothing more important to him. His desire to be female has become only purpose for existence.
He may feel that he is a pervert and have suicidal thoughts. He knows he does not fit into society. He is incredibly lonely and secretive in his desires. This drive will at times make him incredibly self centered and withdrawn. Selfish acts are common and secretive. He may appear to be hateful or become spiteful. Anything to become female feels justified. Anything preventing him from finding a way to be a girl will be despised.
There may be a sexual aspect to this, but most commonly there is not. The sexual components he appears to have devised are the only means he has found to pretend he is female. All of this is made only worse by his recent introduction to puberty and the changes he is experiencing from testosterone, the male hormone. He reviles these changes and longs with every fiber of his being for them to tip his body the other way.
In short, it is a never ending hell. Although there is some educated speculation as to what causes this, there is no solid scientific answer available at this time. But the problem is real and can become life threatening. This is not an issue of being gay. Most here will tell you that sexuality has nothing to do with these feelings.
Tell your son that you are worried about him and love him. Tell him that you have come to this site seeking answers. You may spend time together here composing questions and reading the answers. Get him some professional help. Your support could be the very thing that begins to help him come to terms with his own identity. It will mean everything to him. Ask him if he would like to be called by another name and if he might appreciate the use of different pronouns. You can not believe how much this may help alleviate his frustrations.
By all means, come back and continue this discussion. This is the finest resource on the web. That is why I am here offering what meager help I can.
Take care dear. May you develop a stronger relationship with your child through all of this. I know it seems overwhelming. But it can all be worked out.
Cindi
Well Stated Cindi ! (as usual ! )
I was about to say something about what he was feeling... but I realy have no such knowledge in that respect, and then you Pop in there and give it your all... Thank you so much !
your a wonder-Girl Cindi ! <grin>
...
Bob.......
I want to thank you all for your support. Please keep responding any info that would be helpful. I am going to get his step mothers email address and forward this information to her. His father does not AT ALL understand what he is going thru and by speaking to his step mom I hope that the both of us can be supportive and help him.
Hi There:
Wow your son is very lucky to have both his mom and step mom supporting him. I agree there has been some excellent advice given here. Pay special attention to the "right therapist" as Beth has said the wrong therapist can really do more harm than good.
His father is confused as well and is probably taking this personally. One thing I have learned through all of this is that males tend to handle their fears with anger. Just keep reassuring him that it is okay to feel what he is feeling and there are others out there who have experienced the same feelings. Let him know that you will support him. As I have mentioned in other posts, "never ever slam that door shut" keep it open, him knowing that the door is open will be a great comfort to him.
Keep talking as communication is the key to all of this.
Gill
it will be easier for the father to understand if he can believe its a medical condition and not a preversion....as men are apt to believe right off the bat ...
once I understood that it was far more easy for me to be supportive to my Kid..
this is another reason for the theropy sessions... its a long road to understanding but when you finally understand it is a birthdefect and not some weird sexual preversion it becomes almost a releif ! ... once the parents get over the guilt and feeling of what did i do wrong.... and realise that there is nothing you could have done to prevent this from happening, then you all are on the mend... not just the kid... and believe me its tough
getting it through your own head that its not your fault ! especially if you raised the kid... I know... been there done that ! ... but for now look to each other and help them understand.... as you are the only one with any idea of what a right answer is.
....
and get your Kid on here.... the questions your child might ask us are probly more likely to be asked to others that have no idea, at least here there is a wealth of knowledge, and we care what happens...
incurrage him to visit here please... thats what this place is for !
I'ed rather answer stupid kid questions Honnestly than to have him fed some line of BS that will harm him in the long run ! Also he will probly ask us questions that he never would dream of asking you..... I dunno why that is , it just is ! kids are usually very shy about sex to their parents.
....
Haing in there and keep a positive outlook and you can all get through this and ALL be happy..... if you fight it everyone will more than likely be miserable !
...
there are TS prople here that have been disowned by their parents AND their childern
... simply because they refuse to except the truth.... and I can understand why... its not very easy to accept at all. but accept it you must.
these very same TS people are now so much happier than they ever were in their past lives IN SPITE of all the bad things.... and if that doesn't tell you something nothing will... it is Something that HAS to be done ....no matter what.
so Mom.... go with the flow ! and haing in there !
...
more of my coppers worth ! heheheh
C ya !
Bob......
Hello dtsalkire.
There's been some very good advice here.
The fact that your son feels the need to carry a purse with pads and tampons inside tells me this may be more than just a desire to crossdress.
Puberty for a transsexual (if that is what your son is) is pure hell. S/he likely feels completely alone and different from everyone else. S/he's not a boy, but s/he's obviously not a girl either. While other girls his age are wearing bras and having periods, his body is doing the exact opposite and this is torture for him. I wish I could've communicated to my parents at that age what was going on with me, it may have saved me a lifetime of heartache.
As others have said, please continue to come here and encourage your son to come also.
Concerned Mother,
*curtsey*
THANK YOU for making the effort to understand!
In my opinion the child needs to know that they are loved unconditionally, and that you guys CARE. This is VERY IMPORTANT! -- Hopelessness and Transsexualism go hand in hand the majority of the time it seems. Regardless, ANY CHILD needs this, of course.
I also think it is very important for the child to know that they are not alone, and what they are experiencing is normal, albeit rare, and that something can be done to help. I.e. there IS HOPE. (See above about hopelessness.) -- If you consider that biological systems are not perfect this whole mismatched brain/body thing becomes considerably more reasonable, I think.
Generally speaking it would probably be a good idea to start talking with a gender aware therapist. That is to say a therapist who understands what GID (Gender Identity Disorder) (https://www.susans.org/wiki/Gender_identity_disorder) is and is familiar with helping patients with GID.
This mess is very daunting at first but by and large it is manageable and good can come of it.
I wish you and your the seasons' greetings and the best of luck.
Dear Mom,
The first thing I want to say is, here at Susan's, we use gender appropriate references depending on how an individual prefers to present themselves. Your child wants to present as female so I will give her that courtesy. Please don't be troubled by this. It's just a courtesy to her. That being said...
Probably one of the first things you need to address is your feelings about your daughter's situation. Look deep down inside yourself and ask yourself how you truly feel about this. Your child needs to feel unconditional acceptance in order for her to emerge from this with a reasonable amount of self esteem. Parents play a huge role in achieving that.
Your initial reaction of "are you gay" is common but there is no correlation between gender identity and sexual orientation. I myself am a lesbian transsexual, something not uncommon. So rather than thinking crossdressing means she's gay just look only at the crossdressing alone and what it means.
There are several categories within the transgender spectrum. Crossdressing at a young age does not mean your child wants to be female. There are many who crossdress and have no desire for any physical changes. They like the body they are born with. On the other end is the transsexual who wants physical change and wants to live full time in the gender opposite the one they were born. If you want to understand your child best, you need to find out where she feels she is. But please know, whatever she tells you will be all she knows at this point in time. Don't hold her to that forever. As she grows and matures and rids herself of denial, all that could change. I know, I lived over 50 years successfully as a male and I did so through deep denial.
You need to see your child as your child, nothing more. Look in her heart and not at what she's wearing. Our society preaches don't judge a book by it's cover but teaches just the opposite. So don't be worried if your initial reaction is to see a boy in a dress. You know who she is inside and inside she's beautiful. But right now she's lost and confused. Her whole world is in conflict and she's in crisis. She needs a stable, rock solid foundation to support her. You, her dad, his wife, your boyfriend all need to be that support. If you gather together with your child's well being as the sole focus, you will see her emerge from this a complete and happy person. That will be your reward. I have three kids that I raised to adulthood. I'm a parent too. I know what unconditional love is.
You may at first get some resistance from her. That's normal. She has been living in a world that doesn't understand her and if school mates found out would become a living hell. It's easy to understand her fears. So she will be at first afraid to completely open up to anyone.
Don't take any of the things she's "borrowed" from her without discussing it with her first. She will most likely see that as you trying to stop her from fulfilling her needs. Yes, she took things that aren't hers but under the circumstances she felt that was her only option. She needs to return them but she needs to know it's not because it's wrong for her to possess those things, it's just wrong to take things without asking. When you ask her to return those things also ask her if she would like to have things of her own. If she's comfortable with it, maybe the two of you can go shopping. Of course the other three members of the team have to be aware of this. Since she lives with her dad, he absolutely has to be okay with this or you'll be adding to your child's misery. If you can all get together and support her like this you'll be on the road to turning the hellish life she has lived so far into something beautiful.
Society today is far more accepting of transgender issues than it has ever been but that doesn't mean any of us can be totally open with who we are. So there are cautions your daughter needs to be given. For now, she will have to accept she needs to live as a boy at school. Depending on the attitude in your community, at school, etc, you may be able to help her come out... if that's what she wants. But for now let her know it's okay to dress at home or to go out when with an adult but she has to be very careful outside of that.
I'm assuming therapy will be a given. The reason for this is not to "cure" her. It's to allow her to accept the world around her, to help her gain the courage to be herself, and to help her decide which is the right path for her. Pretty typical therapy for almost any situation. Your child is not nuts! But society may be by expecting everyone to be happy with the path they were given at birth when the doctor looks between your legs and exclaims, "It's a ____!" We shouldn't be judged by our genitals but society does it all the time.
If in therapy your child decides she wants to live life as a female, you and the rest of the support team need to consider medical intervention. If she is transsexual then she will follow this path no matter what age she is allowed to begin. You can't stop it. The earlier medical intervention is started, the less pain and suffering she'll have to endure later, not to mention the cost! This should be discussed with the therapist, her and the rest of her support team.
What I've said here may be a bit much to swallow at once. But one thing to remember is no matter how she looks, your child is still the same person you've always known. When you take away her pain by allowing her to be herself, you open up the doors for you to see all the beauty that lies inside. The whole her will emerge and grow. And when you see that familiar face glowing with happiness, you'll know you made the right choice.
You are a strong person and your child is lucky to have such a mother. I wish you all the best on your journey. Please stay in touch.
Julie
I think its time to talk to my son. I am working on how to approach the situation. I have started researching so I can understand and talk to him in the right way. I am not in denial here just trying to understand. I want to thank all of you for your advice.
He has never except for the girl bathing suit suggested that he wanted to be a girl and at the time I thought it was the silkiness of the suit he liked. He rides dirt bikes and likes boy's toys into guns and knifes, hunting, fishing. He is 5'9" 201lbs. He never played with dolls or liked girly things except for liking lingerie. He was diagnosed with Sensory Integration Dysfunction as a child. He really liked soft things especially panty hose and silky undies. I thought that the softness of my clothes was what he was after. He likes to build things. He does not appear femine in any way except for the cross dressing. I have a key logger on my computer and have caught him watching porn before and it's always girls. He has stolen porn from both me and his father. He has also been diagnosed with ADD. He goes to a physiatrist every other month since he was 6. He is on more meds than I would ever want him on but is uncontrollable without them. He takes Adderall, Seroquel and Trazodone. I feel so bad for this kid and to also have to go thru this. I am worried really worried about suicide. The other night when I was going thru his back pack he made a remark about not being around for xmas. I am sure he was embarrised and could tell he was angered. I just want to help and I don't want to add to his frustration. He is at a critical age with puberty and its not easy being a teen. I plan on speaking to him in the best possible way this weekend. I will be back here posting once I do.
Hi, first of all, I completely agree that until he says he wants to be a girl, it should not be assumed he is transsexual. However, it does sound really likely and the possibility should be kept in mind, even if he says otherwise at first.
Quote from: dtsalkire on December 22, 2006, 09:56:02 AM
He has never except for the girl bathing suit suggested that he wanted to be a girl and at the time I thought it was the silkiness of the suit he liked. He rides dirt bikes and likes boy's toys into guns and knifes, hunting, fishing. He is 5'9" 201lbs. He never played with dolls or liked girly things except for liking lingerie. He was diagnosed with Sensory Integration Dysfunction as a child. He really liked soft things especially panty hose and silky undies. I thought that the softness of my clothes was what he was after. He likes to build things. He does not appear femine in any way except for the cross dressing. I have a key logger on my computer and have caught him watching porn before and it's always girls. He has stolen porn from both me and his father. He has also been diagnosed with ADD. He goes to a physiatrist every other month since he was 6. He is on more meds than I would ever want him on but is uncontrollable without them. He takes Adderall, Seroquel and Trazodone.
Just so you know, this sounds a lot like me. I always liked soft clothes and things. I have also been into many "masculine" things like building things, boy toys and even knives. Many of those hobbies sound like fun to me. I never really played with dolls as a kid either. Growing up, I was strictly into women and actually still am. I never really appeared that feminine as a kid either. I always had short hair (in fact I had never grown it out prior to transitioning) and I wore normal boys clothes and didn't look feminine at all (to me). When I could grow facial hair, I did that too. I ended up close to 5'10" and as a teen weighed about 170. Since HRT, I am now 5'9" and 180. Also, I was diagnosed with ADD as a kid. I learned to cope without it for a while, but I recently have found a need to deal with it again and had testing done and was rediagnosed with adult ADD. My point it, even thought there are all these indications I was a "normal boy", I still ended up being transsexual and transitioning. I can tell you that I'm so much happier in my new gender role.
P.S. I still think boy toys are cooler than girl toys.
Melissa
Mom, Yup... he sounds a lot like me when I was a kid. There are a number of similarities. Most of the toys I liked were boy toys. They still are. I did steal a Barbie when I was younger and kept it hidden for many years. It's the purse, feminine hygene articles, hose, pictures of women, and suicidal tendancies that provide strong indication.
I applaud your interest and action in getting to the bottom of this.
Cindi
I will understand, love and support him no matter what!!!
I want him to be happy either way and if he prefers being a girl than it will be. I appreciate all the support I have gotten here. This is something most people wont understand but unconditional love of a mother can go a long way I hope in helping him understand him/herself.
THANK YOU ALL
Hello again Mom,
My advice regarding this site and other similar sites differs from what has been said. I absolutely do not think it is wise to expose him to pro-transsexual sites, books or people until he/she has come out and said she is a girl inside or wants to become a girl. Many teens crossdress for many reasons that are not related to transsexualism. Your son/daughter is having trouble with life and many times the thought of being transsexual can seem to offer a new start in life. Only the true transsexuals will be happy with the transsexual life and transition. My point is, it is very important that your son decides where he fits in before he is exposed to too much positive or negative information regarding transsexualism.
beth
Quote from: beth on December 22, 2006, 11:41:59 AM
My advice regarding this site and other similar sites differs from what has been said.
Not quite. That's pretty much what I was saying too. :)
Melissa
Well, I'm right there with Melissa and Cindi. I appeared boy all the way. No one had any idea except for the crossdressing thing. I work construction. I am a foreman. I have been in charge of as many as 50 guys and I earned the respect of every one of them. Not one of them would ever suspect I'm trans. And I'm not the least bit interested in men, except maybe if I need a golf partner. ;)
What worries me is all the meds your child is on. Teenagers today seem to be on so many medications. When I was a kid it was called puberty.
When my daughter was 14 she was rebellious, confrontational, dark and moody. She had been in therapy for several years at that time. When she started cutting her wrists I knew it was to get attention and I got the family together and said we would all work together to support her and show her our love. My wife checked her into a mental hospital. In two days she was so miserable she wanted to die, but this time for real. I got her out of there ASAP. She needed family love and support at that time, not a team of doctors trying to 'cure' her.
But it wasn't over. She continued therapy. She is bipolar, has fibromyalgia and asthma and is ADD. And she was on an ever increasing list of medications. I didn't see her getting any better. My wife felt the doctor was right and we argued about all the meds she was on a lot. Finally we took the list of medications to a pharmacist friend and he was shocked. He pointed out several meds that should never be taken together. We took this to her doctor and he promptly took her off many of the meds. Then we started to see improvement. Today my daughter takes medications for bipolar and asthma only. All the rest she didn't need. And she is leading a very normal happy life.
If you haven't already, involve another doctor regarding the medications. Also, ask your pharmacist. Most pharmacists are more knowledgeable than doctors when it comes to medications.
Julie
Quote from: Julie Marie on December 22, 2006, 12:44:27 PM
Your advice didn't differ at all. You said pretty much exactly what I did.
Well, you went right into calling the son a daughter, when there has been nothing explicitly said by her son about wanting to be a girl. That was the thing that caught my eye.
Melissa
Quote from: beth on December 22, 2006, 01:11:32 PM
I previously said,
QuoteMy advice regarding this site and other similar sites differs from what has been said.
I am sorry if this was misconstrued as saying no one mentioned any of the things I said in my post. I did not see where anyone suggested giving access to this site and similar sites may do harm, instead I saw several posts suggesting it. If my statements were confusing I apologize.
beth
True. I didn't even think about the fact that exposing an impressionable confused youth to transsexual sites may do harm, but clearly it could. thanks for bringing up this point.
Quote from: beth on December 22, 2006, 01:11:32 PM
I did not see where anyone suggested giving access to this site and similar sites may do harm, instead I saw several posts suggesting it.
Touché ;)
Melissa
Hi Beth !
Actually I think your right in your previous post... discression is advised !
Kids tend to think things are too easy...
....
though I have never been one to hide things from my Kid.... after all we live in a big world.... I have been descrete about some things. though if asked I alwayse take the time to explain and am totally honnest, holding nothing back, no matter how embarrising it might be.... honnesty is very important.
I feel shielding a child from the X raited shows on the tv is silly personally if they want to find out they will with or without your permission, so its best to have an open relationship in the first place.
but that is my opinion and not shaired by all I am sure.
the IMPORTANT thing in your Post Beth, was that the Child needs to SAY weather he is a boy or girl inside... you are absoultly right there ! thats where COMUNICATION comes in at again !
........
I have an ingrown dislike for censorship from anyone or anything... and to sujest that to a parent as a way to help their child I think is wrong. I think that is a way of thinking that must be done away with if we are to progress as a socioty.
Though YOU MAY WELL BE CORRECT ! at this stage of the game in the kids life.... who are we to judge ? it may very well be mentally the last straw for the kid to see that in their eyes even the people here do not understand what s/he is thinking...
Though the people here Do understand, we have no way of controling how this site is Precieved by the reader. so the child could easily get the "WRONG Idea" if i can use that term lightly.... because the idea of right and wrong is a subjective one...
if we as parents try to impress what is RIGHT and WRONG to our childern we run the risk of "Tainting their Minds with UNTRUTH" we all do that... we judge daily that this is right and this is wrong.... its human nature.... but it is something we need to understand that what is right for me isn't nessarially right for you. whats right for you isn't nessiarially right for me , and so on...
so we have a delima, what is right and wrong then ? what socioty says ? ...what is the Norm ? ...
its whats in your hart !
there is a passage in the bible that I love , it covers this with a blanket.....
it says "for him that knoweth to do good and doeth it not, to Him it is Sin"
I don't normially quote from the bible, but this one verse says it all, it is OLD wisdome
and a wisdome that our socioty has lost through the years.
....
my 2 coppers worth !
Bob......
For what little it is worth,
I concur with the say first idea come to think of it, HOWEVER, what cracked my shield and broke me was realizing both that there were (truly) others and that the it was TREATABLE. Mostly that it was treatable. That I did not have to suffer in silence something could be done. Until that time, I did my best to not let anyone know. I was a boy and that was that. ... If only it was that easy, heh. I.e. past actions are not indicative.
When I was a teenager my mum found a load of her clothes in my bedroom, and to give her credit she didn't fly off the handle as I thought she might.
She did try to talk to me, but I was a teenager and while she may have said all the right things to try and get me to open up to her, I didn't know how valid that was, and still thought that there was no way I could possibly tell her what was going on inside of me. The subject was quickly dropped (much to my relief) and I guess she fell back on the "it's just a phase" thought.
Of course, I wish now I had been able to open up to her and wonder how different things might have been if I had.
To give another example, I recall when I was about 13 or 14 she had a chat with me about alcohol and how she didn't want me hanging around outside drinking with the other groups of kids that did that. Indeed, she recognised that as I and my friends got older we would want to "experiment" and if I ever wanted a drink to ask as she would rather buy a few cans for us to have at home than have us drinking to excess outside.
Looking back this was an amazingly liberal and understanding thing for her to say and offer to do, but at the time there was no way that I believed her really and no way I was ever going to say to an adult "can I have a few beers this weekend?" I was, after all, a teenager and adults 'just don't understand!'
The flip side to that is a couple of years later, just before Christmas, she came home with a few cans of beer for me, bought alongside the turkey etc. No big fuss was made of the fact, she just matter of factly produced them, said they were for me if I wanted them, and put them in the fridge. From that point on I knew I could talk to her about drinking, and did so - and avoided a few pitfalls along the way as I learned quickly that having a drink was ok, but getting drunk was not!
I guess what I am trying to say is that sometimes when communicating with teenagers about sensitive issues actions speak far louder than words. Words can be mistrusted, and teenagers are still trying to learn under what circumstances we can talk to people about things and what the likely result is going to be. Unless they are sure, keeping quiet is often the safest option.
I think it is great that your son has a group of parents willing and wanting to help him. I hope he feels safe and secure enough to open up to you, and of course the potential importance of therapy in that should not be overlooked as others have said.
But, I still wonder if a positive action from yourselves might not break down a few barriers too? I presume you would rather he wasn't borrowing your clothes, so why not express that to him, whilst at the same time providing a small supply of his own. No need to make a big fuss about it, just have them somewhere he can easily access and let him know that they are there if he needs them. This may show him that you are approachable and willing to lend an understanding ear to him about this issue.
Quote from: Kimberly on December 22, 2006, 02:25:11 PM
For what little it is worth,
I concur with the say first idea come to think of it, HOWEVER, what cracked my shield and broke me was realizing both that there were (truly) others and that the it was TREATABLE. Mostly that it was treatable. That I did not have to suffer in silence something could be done. Until that time, I did my best to not let anyone know. I was a boy and that was that. ... If only it was that easy, heh. I.e. past actions are not indicative.
Indeed Kim...
You indeed showed only slight signs of something being odd... the rest of your life had actually been exemplary, the perfect Son so to speek, but that was then and this is now.
though I can look back in our past and find little signs of your condition it never dawned upon me that it was more than a prefrence, You liked girls so I figured that some day nature would take its corse and grab you and you'ed say "WOW hay lady come here ! or something hehehehe"
...
but that is past now and your future is ahead... you no longer need to live in aggony or dispair, the changes you want so desperately will come in time, you just have to be tough and wait it out ! its not a fast proccess when your "poorer than church mice" but it is still possable and we will get there eventually ... just haing in there Kiddo ! <GRIN>
....
Through Kim I have learned so much about this ailment and about life in general, I wouldn't trade My Kim for anyother kid out there...She is and continues to be truly a blessing !
....
Bob........
There is this (http://www.nytimes.com/2006/12/02/us/02child.html?ei=5087&en=0de9c781cd024c23&ex=1181451600&excamp=mkt_at5&pagewanted=all) article in the New York Times that has good advice, AND will let you know that you are NOT alone.
The thing that broke my denial was three questions:
A superior being (God, space aliens, whatever) says, "I'm going to reset your life back to conception. You will have pretty much the same feelings in your new life as you have so far. But you may choose your gender." What do you choose?
The same scenario as above, but with one addition -- whichever gender you choose, you will be completely happy with that gender, and you will never for the rest of your life wish to be the other gender. What do you choose?
Lastly, you have lived a long ad fulfilling life, and it has come to an end. Your friends and family have gathered for your memorial, and are remembering the person you were. Which gender do you want them to remember you as?
I answered 'female' three times, and then understood what I must do.
I hope this information, as well as the other information that has been offered here, helps you and your child with this;
Karen
When I was a teenager my father caught me dressing...... He had me by my neck and pressed against the wall, feet dangeling....
Do you WANT to be a girl!!! Do you WANT to take hormones!!! Wear a dress!!.... and he kept the questions going like that for a few minuts.... I was beyond Terrified.... I answered to the negitive on everything (Though I desporatly wanted to scream yes) Fear drove me into depression, and I purged... got rid of everything... I ofcorse relapsed, but durring my time of hardcore denial of myself...
I played with boys toys... paintball and all that stuff (I didnt have much in the way of playthings as a child so *shrugs* I started a rockband... I took to wearing all black. Everyone asked whose funeral I was going to or who I war mourning. Id never answer but here it is. Myself. I turned into a hardcore guy, noone ever clocked the idea that I was TS... Noone even though I could possably be gay... nothing.
It took years to undo the damage caused that afternoon.....
When you approach your child, understand there will be fear there, and that fear can be a poison. Take caution and be gental. Dont hold your child up to the wall by there neck... Give them a chance to runaway and think, to escape if they need to..... Your child, despite what they are or are going through will thankyou for that consideration....
Hope that helps some.....
I got a chance to talk to him this weekend. I came into the room while he was on the computer and I said that I wanted to talk to him about something that was very private and that I had done some reading and that I now understand more about his need to crossdress.
He was looking at me intently and listening (kind of looked surprised that I knew and was understanding). I told him he is not alone and that there are kids his age that are going thru the same thing. I told him if he was interested I would tell him where to go on the internet to learn more about it himself. He said no that he didn't want to do that. I really don't feel he is ready to talk about it but I do feel that I opened the lines of communication to him so when he is ready I hope he comes to me. I didn't push I just wanted to let him know I was there if he wanted to talk. I told him it was our secret and I promised not to tell anyone. I told him I will be there no matter what for the rest of our lives and I will help him get thru this and I do understand what he is feeling.
I did ask him if he ever thought about wanting to be a girl and he said no. I asked if he got aroused by wearing them he said no. I said I know it's hard to talk to your mom about those things. I hugged him and said jokingly I know leave you alone right and he said no like he wasn't bothered by me talking to him. I gave him a big hug and told him I love him more than anything in the world and then just left it at that.
We went to my brother in laws and when we pulled up he looked at me and said did you tell anyone. I said no I promised I wouldn't and then we went in and had a nice dinner with the family.
I then brought him back home. His father and step mother had found women's clothes in his backpack while he was with me that he had from before when he was at my house last week. I had removed them while he was here but he must have put them back in there when I went to sleep.
They put them in a bag and left them outside. I got them when I dropped him off. There was more in there then he had taken from here. He must have been collecting it from somewhere because a lot of the items were not mine and his step mom said they were not hers.
Today when I spoke to him on the phone I told him that they had found his things (I didn't want him to look and find them gone and get anxious about it) and that I told them (his dad and stepmom) they were mine (me, thinking it would save him embarrassment) I told him I would wash them and put them away.
I feel odd. On one had I DO want to support him but I also dont want to enable something. I kind of feel like I would be handing my 14 year old a beer....I am not sure if that makes since to anyone here, may be Bob being a parent could have felt that at one point. I assume Kimberly is your daughter and it is really nice to hear her side as well and everyone here gave me great information and I dont feel I could have handled my talk with him in the right manner with out ALL of your advice. Thank you
I truly wish that all parents could be as understanding of and considerate towards their children as you have been to yours.
A portion of our society would say that this will only spoil the child and guarantee it will deviate from society's straight and narrow path to its ruin -- or some such. This is wrong and immoral in my book, and I'm sure you are handling this in the best, most good way.
Karen
Hi Mom...
Ummm yah I know the feeling... and its like being between a rock and a hard place...
Dammed if you do Dammed if you don't and it all depends on what you do next....
but relax.... rest asured Your Kid will be what he will be...good or bad right or wrong
all you can do now is INFULUNCE him.... you can't control him. he is a human being
he has his own life to live... even though you are still "Raiseing him" and he's not out on his own...
You Know full well that if you take the close away he will find others...
if you tell him Cross dressing is bad he's lible to do it more just to spite you !
.... its so very hard to know just exactly WHAT to do because you've never been in this siduation before and have no experience to draw upon.... But you have !
when he got sick as a child you took care of him right ?
he's sick now just in a diferent way.
...
I say sick because its "Not the NORM" of our socioty... so by Socioty's standards hes ILL
...Some would say thats a good thing and I'ed tend to agree ...<grin> However its not a good thing for the Kid.... it may well be a Phase he is going through YOU HAVE NO WAY OF KNOWING....so you more or less have to treet it as such...
....
You expect too much Mom.... ofcorse he will denie that he has never thought of being a girl.... even though that may well be true... you cannot accept that the first time around. after about 6 such talks you might get him to open up ...maybe, maybe not.
when he denies being excited by the clotheing you know already that is a lie or why would he be doing it ? ... I can think of only 2 things that would drive him to do such things... inside he is a girl and wants to be one on the outside as well, or the clotheing turns him on...
the one may not effect the other in this case and they could be miles appart...meaning
one or the other but I realy doubt both !
....
I'm Not a doctor of anything , or an experienced person with TS ishues, I am just some guy who's Kid happens to be a Male to female Transexual... in the process of transisioning . I speak of my Kid as She because She wishes it and out of respect.
My Kim is so very inteligent that she has earned my respect many years ago and continues to do so. She knows full well what she is in for and has the guts and fortitude to do it
.... I do not know if I could say the same for my self if the places were reversed.
its extreamily hard not to admire that kind of detication, in anyone yet alone your own kid ! <GRIN>
....
I do not for the life of me understand Crossdressing. and if that is what you have there and it is sounding more and more like it ... chances are letting it Blow over is a good idea and things will get back to normal... though cloths will continue to be missing.
.... I don't know what to tell you if he's a crossdresser, that is not Transexual
I've no idea what to tell you then.
I do think its safe to say what ever the case seeing a theropest is a darn good idea!
but you don't know what your dealing with yet...so bide your time , gain his confidence
and get the info out of him that you need to help him.
at this point in time thats what I'ed do if I were in your shoes !
....
My 2 coppers for what its worth ! <GRIN>
...
Bob......
Quote from: Bob on December 23, 2006, 09:23:38 AM
Quote from: Kimberly on December 22, 2006, 02:25:11 PM
For what little it is worth,
I concur with the say first idea come to think of it, HOWEVER, what cracked my shield and broke me was realizing both that there were (truly) others and that the it was TREATABLE. Mostly that it was treatable. That I did not have to suffer in silence something could be done. Until that time, I did my best to not let anyone know. I was a boy and that was that. ... If only it was that easy, heh. I.e. past actions are not indicative.
Indeed Kim...
You indeed showed only slight signs of something being odd... the rest of your life had actually been exemplary, the perfect Son so to speek, but that was then and this is now.
though I can look back in our past and find little signs of your condition it never dawned upon me that it was more than a prefrence, You liked girls so I figured that some day nature would take its corse and grab you and you'ed say "WOW hay lady come here ! or something hehehehe"
...
but that is past now and your future is ahead... you no longer need to live in aggony or dispair, the changes you want so desperately will come in time, you just have to be tough and wait it out ! its not a fast proccess when your "poorer than church mice" but it is still possable and we will get there eventually ... just haing in there Kiddo ! <GRIN>
....
Through Kim I have learned so much about this ailment and about life in general, I wouldn't trade My Kim for anyother kid out there...She is and continues to be truly a blessing !
....
Bob........
:'( :'( :'( I'm lost for words, Bob. What a beautiful post! You have a golden heart, sir!
tinkerbell :icon_chick:
Tinkerbell !
there you are ! where have you been hideing ? ain't seen you post in a while
hope all is ok with you and yours !
...
Ahhh, its not so much to post what you truly feel, its the truth ! <GRIN>
...
HAPPY NEW YEAR to you all ! Officially now ! we made it through another year ! WOOOHOOO !
hehehehe
Bob.......
Mom, you've been just wonderful though I'm sure it's a tough time for you also. Your child obviously isn't ready to open up completely but little by little the lines of communication are broadening. Things will only get better from here because you're there keeping the door open.
When I read your last post I remembered back when I was 14 and thought how I would have acted if I had that talk with my mom. I'm sure the information I shared would have been very carefully worded. I know I wouldn't have told her everything. I would have been too embarassed. The insecurities of a typical 14 year old are very debilitating. And we all learn very early on that once the words pass the lips they cannot be taken back.
This is such a grossly misunderstood condition that even those who live it are often confused. We are taught one thing but feel another. We know in our heart we are good but society teaches us these feelings we have are bad. So we question ourselves and beat ourselves up. After all, it has to be our fault, right? We're the ones with these feelings and desires and we're wrong to act on them or even allow ourselves to think them. We become our own worst enemy and all it takes is to share this with someone who confirms these negative thoughts we have about ourselves and down we go. Half a century later I'm still struggling with them.
You're doing a great job with how you're handling this delicate time in your child's life. It will only strengthen the bond you already have. Your child is lucky to have such a wonderful mother.
Julie
Hi Mom:
I know that this is a difficult time for you. But I am so glad that your son has you as a Mom and an ally. For me I am glad that this is now "out in the open" and that people are aware and are not so scared of TS issues. Slowly the education is happening.
Keep that door open Mom, no matter what your son does or says. Him knowing that the door is always open will be a great comfort to him, because one day he will step through it knowing that you will help him through all of this.
You are a good person Mom.
Gill
Quote from: LynnER on December 25, 2006, 02:50:49 PM
When I was a teenager my father caught me dressing...... He had me by my neck and pressed against the wall, feet dangeling....
Do you WANT to be a girl!!! Do you WANT to take hormones!!! Wear a dress!!.... and he kept the questions going like that for a few minuts.... I was beyond Terrified.... I answered to the negitive on everything (Though I desporatly wanted to scream yes) Fear drove me into depression, and I purged... got rid of everything... I ofcorse relapsed, but durring my time of hardcore denial of myself...
I played with boys toys... paintball and all that stuff (I didnt have much in the way of playthings as a child so *shrugs* I started a rockband... I took to wearing all black. Everyone asked whose funeral I was going to or who I war mourning. Id never answer but here it is. Myself. I turned into a hardcore guy, noone ever clocked the idea that I was TS... Noone even though I could possably be gay... nothing.
It took years to undo the damage caused that afternoon.....
When you approach your child, understand there will be fear there, and that fear can be a poison. Take caution and be gental. Dont hold your child up to the wall by there neck... Give them a chance to runaway and think, to escape if they need to..... Your child, despite what they are or are going through will thankyou for that consideration....
Hope that helps some.....
LynnER, Unfortionately Fathers are apt to do just exactly what your father did, thinking that is best for the Kid, no realy ! scare the Sh-- out'a them and make them think twice !....... think about it, it worked didn't it ? you reverted back for a while. the problem
wasn't that your father Did the wrong thing ( of corse he did) but that he missunderstood the problem... as most fathers STILL DO ! .... remember back then phisycal punnishment was the norm for dissobediance to your parrents.... you didn't take out the trash on time ,you got scolded, you didn't do it again you got your butt spanked.... back in those days that was "HOW YOU RAISED A KID !" it was the only way known to most way back then.
.... this doesn't Justify his actions, but puts them in a different light... He did what He thought was best for you.... it doesn't matter that it may well have been out of anger or flustration, thats besides the point... the act of scareing you half to death was the desired outcome ! ...
I had one such lesson tought to me when I was about 5 years old that I remember vividly to this day, I was playing in the house throwing my rubber knife arround and I threw it through the bay window in the front room.... I was amazed, it was a rubber knife ! its not supposed to break glass, but it certainly did.... well, mom pattled my butt and when Dad got home he paddled my butt too.... and said not to do it again or else !...
well I was a obstinate kid, or Brat if you prefure the word ... and the day after the very expensive window was replaced, My mother told me I couldn't do something i wanted to do so I went to my bedroom grabbed the rubber knife and threw it through the front window AGAIN on purpose this time !.... Needless to say My but was sore from just Momm'a paddeling, but when Daddy got home I was scared stiff.... he sat me down on the chair in the kitchen and was so mad he could barely speak.... his face was red with anger and he had his hands on the back of another kitchen chair.... when he finally got arround to asking WHY I told him because Momm'a wouldn't let me do such and such... and before my eyes my father bent the back of the kitchen chair..... only superman could do that !
and I knew my father was strong but i didn't know he was that strong ! I was soscared I was looking for a place to run to .... crying because I knew my goose was cooked and there was no way out and I brought it on myself ! .... My father walked out because he couldn't spank me that time... he was just too mad and had no control left... he was very smart! he would have killed me with one hit. however Momm'a came in with the belt and spanked my but till I was numb.... I never threw anything through the front window again !..... I learned my lesson !
But some times it takes such drastic measures to get your kids to tow the line....
My father told me one time , "As long as I'm your Father and You live under my Roof You will do things as I SAY ! ....there is no debate, there is no if ands or but's its MY way or the Highway!.... do you understand?"
And I did understand.... that is just how it was! And Oddly enough I don't consider myself raised by Abusive parrents at all, because those "Lessons " were far and few between.... but extreamily memorable ! .... because they were Supposed to be !
....
That is how you raised Kids way back then, Now that I'm in my 50's I realise it wasn't such a good setup, but it was the way everyone did it at the time ....
You see that A parrent Could be Mad at you and punnish you and the method of the teaching was not in what they were thinking at the time but in the spanking of the disobediant child.... the physical punishment was in and of itself the answer to the problem.... we know NOW that it is not , but back then it was... so it was OK to spank your kid!
IN raiseing My Kid I started doing it the same way my father did for me , spanking....
till one day I new I needed to spank the kid for not cleaning his room like I told him a dozen times to do and he just ignored me.... and I was about to and I looked into his eyes and said you know whats wrong don't you? he said yes , i said what ? he said I havn't cleaned my room. I said thats right , what do you think I should do about it spank you or give you one more chance to clean the room, he said give me one more chance, I said but I gave you many chances to do it already and you havn't done it, why would I believe that your going to do it now ? and he looked into my eyes and I could see the light come on inside there as if to say "OH....thats why !" I almost burst out laughing
but it was a serious moment and that would never have done, I said ok go clean your room if its not clean in an hour you will get the spanking of your life...you understand , he said yes, and took off to his room.... and started throwing stuff all over.....obviously
adjated..... i let that continue for a while then went in and asked if he needed some help and he said "Yes please"....
so I helped him clean his room but in the proccess I explained why he had to do what I told him to do, and that when he was out on his own he could do what he wanted , but as long as he was under my roof he had to obay my rules....
that was the the last time I had to spank him simply explaining to him was sufficient
but up to that point it wasn't ... I had to paddle his onery butt many times.
I explained that I didn't want to spank him but he left me no choice, that day it seamed to click... and I never had to spank him again ! believe me that made a big diference ! that was so long ago even the cars were diferent ! HAHHAHA
Times CHANGE, thank goodness ! And when My Kid said to me that She was TS I thought maybe this is a time for more spanking ! , or worse, and Knock some sense into him....
that was my first thought.... but I looked into thos eyes and realised that She was as serious as a hart attack, I knew that physical punnishment wasn't the answer here eather... but Believe me I considered it ! for a cupple of days ! all the while Kim was educateing me as fast as she could....and when the lights went on inside my head we were both relieved ! heheheheh
Being a Parent is not an easy job, it takes insight that alot of people lack the ability to judge the siduation and make good desigions for your child. some parents are great at it some are just plane lousie at it. but it takes all kinds to make a world !
LynnER, Don't hate your Father for his actions that day, as he only did what came natural, what any father would have done in that day and age.... if he still to this day doesn't understand then your only hope is educating him so he can see... though likely he has closed off that avanew, it is his lack of understanding that is the problem, not you!
....
hope that gives some insight into how things were... and personally I hope those days stay in the past ! <GRIN>
....
C ya
Bob.......
Hello mom!
I'm single with no children or ever having been married.
My insight is closely in line with everyone elses posts. I'll only add:
I do not think assumptions of any kind should be made.
I think your child can give the answers to his/her own plight provided he/she is in an atmoshpere where they can actually translate what is going on in their own head.
There lies the confusing part. When i was young i was scared, no not scared PETRIFIED of releasing any sort of information or feelings. tidbits would come out but i think based on that people made assumptions as to what was "wrong" with me when there was technically nothing wrong with me emotionally, physically the body of course is wrong....
I remember the crying rambling session i had with the first therapist i had (and no he was a loser after all that anyway- so was the second and thrid and fourth and fifth) and how some of that stuff pouring out of me may have sounded?
you sound like you are trying and that is important.
I personally dislike promises. I mean in promising someone something you may very well not be able to hold to. I would of rather had my parents or family said "I'll Try"... cause having said that i would not have been devistated when they basically then turned their backs on me support wise when things got harder and tougher.... Lots of stuff going on and it sounds like you got your hands very very full.
You mentioned his/her mom? Are you a step mom? Is it your boyfriends son? Or is it your natal born? If so how well are all the parties doing with this or are you the only one trying?
It seems to me the fact that he/she is showing and exposing so much says a lot? When i was 14 i hid everything to a desperation level? Wondering why he's so brash about exposing the purse, sex-toy (very interesting?), clothes? Definately the therapy thing is a great idea. Ntohing is ever easy huh?
hope you do well and hope to see your progress posted if you stay around
Good luck'
hug
ricki
Quote from: Cindi Jones on December 21, 2006, 11:57:43 AM
dtsalkire,
You did ask about what he is feeling... and I will address that part of your question. There is obviously a great conflict in his mind about his gender. I know, because I did similar acts when I was his age. He has this thing in his mind, running like a freight train out of control, pushing him to do anything to make him feel female. His actions stem from the fact that there is no relief for these desparate feelings that never go away. It is a hunger that is never satisfied. It is a mountain of frustration filled with desires he feels can never be quelled. It runs through every waking thought and most every dream he can remember. There is nothing more important to him. His desire to be female has become only purpose for existence.
He may feel that he is a pervert and have suicidal thoughts. He knows he does not fit into society. He is incredibly lonely and secretive in his desires. This drive will at times make him incredibly self centered and withdrawn. Selfish acts are common and secretive. He may appear to be hateful or become spiteful. Anything to become female feels justified. Anything preventing him from finding a way to be a girl will be despised.
...that's the best description of the feelings of being transsexual I've ever seen. Especially the part " S/he's desire to be male/female has become s/he's only purpose for existance." That's very true for me, especially when I get suicidal.
Quote from: Bob on January 01, 2007, 06:16:13 PM
Times CHANGE, thank goodness ! And when My Kid said to me that She was TS I thought maybe this is a time for more spanking ! , or worse, and Knock some sense into him....
that was my first thought.... but I looked into thos eyes and realised that She was as serious as a hart attack, I knew that physical punnishment wasn't the answer here eather... but Believe me I considered it ! for a cupple of days ! all the while Kim was educateing me as fast as she could....and when the lights went on inside my head we were both relieved ! heheheheh
Bob, your post literally brought tears to my eyes. :'(
Melissa
Melissa, Sorry about that, that wasn't my intention, i dislike "Downers" I try to be up lifting when i get a chance <GRIN>
but the thing that bothers me Gal, is that If I can understand.... Me a Regular guy, messed up in many ways just like everyone else in this world, IF I can understand, why can't your folks ? to me it just doesn't make sense !
i mean I am no rocket scientest, or intelectual genious by any means... infact I have hurd it said that I am not the sharpest tool in the shed ! to put it politely <grin> yet I understand the problem, and your folks and others like them don't , or perhaps a better word for it is WON'T... not that they don't understand but that they just don't want to !
... perhaps that is the answer, i dunno ... but darn it, if I can see it why can't they? its flustrateing !
Yet You and Others like you keep on chugging anyway ! You are an insperation to all of us Melissa Haing in there !
...
Bob.......
Hi Bob,
I realize that you understand and they don't and I really wish they did. I mean I do miss them and it does hurt. I tried all I could to educate until they stopped listening to me. I know they miss me too, as I have had some of my spies inform me, but I just don't know why they can't see what I'm telling them might <gasp> actually be the truth.
Melissa
Melissa, I dunno if you can remember back to the 1950's or not, I kind'a doubt it because I think it was before your time... but to understand people My age it helps to remember what the mantality of their entire lives were... Most of the people my age got their Mantality locked in at about the 1070' of even the 1960's
but , alot of us have regressed to the mantality of the 1950's for reasons unknown, but i think it has to do with parents or your grand parents... that was when the grand parents had their mantality LOCK set in....
I call it a Mantality LOCK because that is what it acts like, the personality
is of that era, that was popular at the time.
it is the 1950's that still plegs us as a very strong curtural influance the thinking as they did... watch the old movies and whats right in those days would be considered very harsh now days. this is where your parents are comeing from
what did you do when you ran into a queer back then ? you By Nesisity had to jeer him, berate him, make fun of him or you were a queer-lover and branded that ... and it stuck ! nobody looked at you the same way unless you did what the others did.... Out of this type of thinking comes with only a few deckades
inbetween comes their son saying he is actually a She , well man we can't have that ! its not so much as understanding the problem, they don't even want to know the problem because your branded as an outcast in that socioty...
Even though that socioty doesn't exhist today( thank GOD) it does for some people ! ....
Also in that time it was NORMAL for Dad to kick the son out of the house about the late teens... that was expected everyone did it , that was how you raised your boy... they gott'alearn somehow I'm helping by kicking their butt out so they have to fend for theirselves and learn to appreaciate what they have ! I'ed almost bet money that your Dad had that happen to him if not it was at the very least extreamily touch and go for the last 2 or 3 years at home with the folks.... that kind of emotional stress impresses a person for a long time, and LOCKS in the mantality of the time as well
What can you do ? wait it out... is about all you can do... Never conferm
your parents suspissions that your a fruitcake and looney in the head ! and never let them think your sexual preferences are not normal for YOU...being a girl you SHOULD like GUYS.... there is no 2 way street with their thinking just that alone is enough to excomunicate you for... if your truly a girl then you will be one through and through not half and half.... half and half is a goof up...and there is no provisions in their socioty for it ! they show that by their not wanting to have anything to do with you.... they are being proper people of their TIME... that is what you did back then... they live in the past
they think in the past, they are the imbodyment of the past age.
and believe me you are not going to get through to them untill you can bring them into the future... how you are going to do that I have No idea !
everything in that time was simple black and white, no grey aireas if they found a grey airea they blundered through it with bravado because that was what you were supposed to do ! but you didn't think in grey you explained it with black and white....
in time Perhaps Your parents will come around but don't wait up for it to happen, as it might be a while, the best thing you can do is be a Success at what ever you do... because that is what was so important in their time.
if your parents can look at you and say yah well she's happier now than I ever seen her, that will mean more to them than anything ! it will be like well "maybe she was right then" go see them while your crying and miserable and its going to be like " See I told ya Your bringing it all on yourself!"
....
its LOCKED minds your fighting, and there is nothing harder in the world to penitrate than that ! its armor that is bullet proof, and unflexable and it has served them well all these years, they would be foolish to throw it away now !
...
show No weakness to them Kiddo, be strong ..stand tall ! don't let'em ware ya down <GRIN>
Haing in there, its a tough fight but one you can win in the end !
....
FWIW
Bob.......
Thank you Bob, you may very well be right about them. By the way, it seems I get more flak from my mom than my dad.
Melissa
I had some very similar experiences to your son growing up. The fact is though I was not caught until I was 17, and it was exactly at the wrong moment (my brother was psychotic and bipolar, and he is the one who caught me. Basically I was caught when he was very queer phobic and extremely violent (luckily he is neither one anymore). I was basically forced into a closet out of fear for my own life at the time.) I basically have put off the entire issue regarding my gender identity issues until recently because I feared how my family would react.
The thing is with therapy, is it is something that has to be ones on owns initiative, being forced into therapy is never a good idea for a teenager (unless they are a danger to themselves or others). The real truth never really comes out and issues are only suspected, unless one is ready to tell the truth. Just tell your son, that when they are ready that you will help find them a therapist to discuss these issues without fear of anybody in the family finding out (I know this sounds absurd, but trust me privacy is very important at this point).
The one thing you have to not fear is being an enabler. Please just be supportive. This is not a phase, it lasts for ones entire life, and no matter how much one feels it will go away it doesn't.
This is not the equivalent of giving your child alcohol. Do not worry about being an enabler. The truth is for many of us, the shame and fear of being a gender variant is directly related to ones family and how they would handle it or did handle it. Some of us have violent experiences, some of us have experiences which were more shameful or scary, when we did get discovered, and some of never were discovered, but could only imagine what would happen. The truth is this needs to be handled delicately. Make sure you never out your son, and that you approach things in a calm and supportive way. The best thing to say is "I will support you".
My mom caught me with pads and my dad caught me with my mom's bra. When they realize (part of it) what was going on they took me aside to have the 'Talk'. They embarassed me and made me feel perverted. :embarrassed:
So I think you are doing right. Understanding is hard but acceptance is even harder. You seem to care about your son futur and you don't repress is feeling. I think you already made a big step, I would say the bigger one by accepting it. A great step for you and your son will always be thankfull for that. Maybe your son and/or yourself need therapy but I would'nt know about that, i am not a specialist :(
I just wanted to say, I think you are being a great mom right now and I wish you keep this communicative attitude. :) :) :)
Bye and good luck
First I want to thank all you great people for helping me in handling my situation.
I started out just trying to make conversation about it and he would just get quite than I would just drop it because I didnt want to push. His father caught him breaking into hhis neighbors house and he stole womans undies. I explained to his father that if he would allow Brandon to have some womans items in the house than he would not be stealing from people. (his father does not understand but he lives there) I spoke to Brandon and explained that it is ok to wear womens clothes but he needs to limit it to private times at his home. I tryed to explain the embarrisment he would get from his peers if they found out and if he were to wear them to school. He just turned 15 and kids can be so cruel.
I told him I would buy things that will fit him if he wanted because he is 205lbs at 5'9" and trying to squeeze into my size 3's LOL He claims they are not too small but I am sure they are. I asked him what he likes as far as silky or lace and he did say he like a certain skirt that was in his things that somehow got put away and I cant find them. I think they are in my garage and will look for them because I feel he needs his own things right now.
So it looks like he is opening up to me a little. I hope he continues because I feel he needs someone to talk to about it. He made a comment one day that he could not tell anyone his fears and I explained to him that I do understand and he needs to be able to talk to someone so he knows that his feelings are normal and that I would never condem him and would be there for him. I am not sure if he meant talking about crossdressing or other teen fears because at the time his father was dealing with his girlfriend leaving him.
You remind me so much of my mom it's crazy. Except reversed, as I was born female, and from 4 or 5 years of age refused to wear anything girly. Thing is, it's "acceptable" for little "girls" to be tomboys. Society doesn't look at that as not normal, so why should it be any different for boys? By age 8-9 my mom gave up trying to get me to wear anything girly, and started letting me pick out my own clothes for school. She was accepting, without even knowing at that time I would grow up to be a man, and not her little tomboy daughter.
It brought tears to me eyes reading your story, because so rarely do parents accept their children like you and my mother. Your child is very lucky, and he will one day thank you.
Have you considered getting your child into therapy? Having your support is great, but talking to a professional that specializes in this field could help him a LOT. This isn't something that is going to go away, and the sooner he gets help, the better off he will be. I think you should also talk to your ex-husband, he may not realize it now, but the more he DOESN'T accept your son, the more likely it is your son will resent him once he's older. He needs all the support he can get right now.
Thanks Joey I sure hope that I can be there for him thru this and from what I have learned you are very lucky that your mom is accepting of it. I am learning more and more that most parents are not. I cant understand why they wouldnt be. These are OUR children, young adults and adults here they are a part of us and we as parents need to be there to support them.........I hope that somehow this post is read by those parents that do not support their children and helps them to be more understanding.
I in my heart know its not a phase. I can remember back when he was like 4 or 5 years old. We were in a bathing suit shop and he was begging for a girls bathing suit. He wouldnt let up. I ended up buying him a speedo (boys)(my mother in law was with us) he never wore it and then I found the neighbors girls suit that he stole under my bed. He used to play dress up with my clothes all the time and even at that age knew it was wrong because his sister would tease him. He would go in my room and lock the door to play but when I told him I needed to come in he would let me in because it was ok with me. At that time I just felt he wanted to play dress up and nothing was wrong with him wearing dresses, hose and heals. He was a child.
But once he hit puberty he started wanting to crossdress again and at that point I found this board and I am greatfull for all of you here that have given me your opinions because I DO truley want to support him no matter what.
I do want to get him into therapy (he goes for ADHD now) but I do not feel he is ready yet. He is not going to open up to a therapist right now. I just got him to start talking to me about it. Also he lives with Dad and his dad would NEVER bring it up to his therapist because he CANT accept it at this point. And yes my son will resent his father later on in life but that is something that his father will have to handle. I had told his father to let me get him his own girls clothes that he can keep in his bedroom so he will stop stealing them. His fiance said that he had a fit over me saying that but sooner or later he has to accept it.
Quote from: dtsalkire on April 17, 2007, 09:34:50 AM
Thanks Joey I sure hope that I can be there for him thru this and from what I have learned you are very lucky that your mom is accepting of it. I am learning more and more that most parents are not. I cant understand why they wouldnt be. These are OUR children, young adults and adults here they are a part of us and we as parents need to be there to support them.........I hope that somehow this post is read by those parents that do not support their children and helps them to be more understanding.
I in my heart know its not a phase. I can remember back when he was like 4 or 5 years old. We were in a bathing suit shop and he was begging for a girls bathing suit. He wouldnt let up. I ended up buying him a speedo (boys)(my mother in law was with us) he never wore it and then I found the neighbors girls suit that he stole under my bed. He used to play dress up with my clothes all the time and even at that age knew it was wrong because his sister would tease him. He would go in my room and lock the door to play but when I told him I needed to come in he would let me in because it was ok with me. At that time I just felt he wanted to play dress up and nothing was wrong with him wearing dresses, hose and heals. He was a child.
But once he hit puberty he started wanting to crossdress again and at that point I found this board and I am greatfull for all of you here that have given me your opinions because I DO truley want to support him no matter what.
Bravo! I applaud you and pray other parents read your post. *tight hugs* from one Mommy to another.
Yes Indeed !
it truly is a shame that more parents cannot love their child if the child has a "Certain PROBLEM" they can love them through other things, what makes certain things off limits?
is it Their own fears, to talk about that "SEX" thing? My God man ! Your child is YOUR child till the day they die... and Preversions, drug use, Murder or other bad things do not change that ! having "Conditional" Love for your child is a Shame on you and your Child!
... you think Oh no this is TOUGH LOVE ! BULL... its far Tougher to love them inspite of their actions ...
give your child the unconditional Love they deserve !
give them Conditional love and you will recieve Conditional Love back in return.
My self I want Unconditional love from my Child...
I think you do too, but you won't get it unless you Give it !
...
my 2 coppers!
Bob.......
Quote from: dtsalkire on April 17, 2007, 09:34:50 AM
Thanks Joey I sure hope that I can be there for him thru this and from what I have learned you are very lucky that your mom is accepting of it. I am learning more and more that most parents are not. I cant understand why they wouldnt be. These are OUR children, young adults and adults here they are a part of us and we as parents need to be there to support them.........I hope that somehow this post is read by those parents that do not support their children and helps them to be more understanding.
I in my heart know its not a phase. I can remember back when he was like 4 or 5 years old. We were in a bathing suit shop and he was begging for a girls bathing suit. He wouldnt let up. I ended up buying him a speedo (boys)(my mother in law was with us) he never wore it and then I found the neighbors girls suit that he stole under my bed. He used to play dress up with my clothes all the time and even at that age knew it was wrong because his sister would tease him. He would go in my room and lock the door to play but when I told him I needed to come in he would let me in because it was ok with me. At that time I just felt he wanted to play dress up and nothing was wrong with him wearing dresses, hose and heals. He was a child.
But once he hit puberty he started wanting to crossdress again and at that point I found this board and I am greatfull for all of you here that have given me your opinions because I DO truley want to support him no matter what.
I do want to get him into therapy (he goes for ADHD now) but I do not feel he is ready yet. He is not going to open up to a therapist right now. I just got him to start talking to me about it. Also he lives with Dad and his dad would NEVER bring it up to his therapist because he CANT accept it at this point. And yes my son will resent his father later on in life but that is something that his father will have to handle. I had told his father to let me get him his own girls clothes that he can keep in his bedroom so he will stop stealing them. His fiance said that he had a fit over me saying that but sooner or later he has to accept it.
The truth is there is a high likelyhood that he is more likely to open up to a therapist if he is willing to see one and the therapist provides a safe and understanding environment. As strange as that sounds, it usually is the case with people with gender identity issues. The thing is he has to be willing and ready to see one. It took me years, nearly a decade since I realized I might be transsexual, (I am 28 now) to get to the point where I was completely open to going to therapy, there was a level of fear with me. That fear largely had to deal with family acceptance and what might happen.
The truth is the sooner these issues are worked out, the better your child will be going into adulthood. Alot of the baggage of gender identity issues comes from not taking care of things earlier in life and alot of denial and shame.
Quote from: dtsalkire on April 17, 2007, 09:34:50 AM
I do want to get him into therapy (he goes for ADHD now) but I do not feel he is ready yet. He is not going to open up to a therapist right now. I just got him to start talking to me about it. Also he lives with Dad and his dad would NEVER bring it up to his therapist because he CANT accept it at this point. And yes my son will resent his father later on in life but that is something that his father will have to handle. I had told his father to let me get him his own girls clothes that he can keep in his bedroom so he will stop stealing them. His fiance said that he had a fit over me saying that but sooner or later he has to accept it.
Actually, a therapist could be just what he needs!
When my mother and stepdad found out that I crossdressed (age 16), they completely freaked out, and sent me to a therapist, presumably to "cure" me of my "problem". (My stepdad had decided to rifle through my room, and found my skirt, blouse, nail polish, and tights...my only feminine things at the time, he pronounced me a "freak and a pervert" and proceeded to yell at me for hours until I was in tears, blaming me for he and my mother's marital problems, saying I was "sick" and a "loser"). They threw away my girl's clothes and said I couldn't close the door to my room anymore since they wanted to know I wasn't doing "sick" stuff.
The therapist met with me for several months and said there was nothing wrong with me. My stepdad in particular was verbally abusive to me at the time, and I let the therapist know about it...he then wanted the whole family to meet for therapy!! At that point, my mom and step-dad considered me "cured" and pulled me out of therapy...convenient for them.
I will say it was immensely helpful to be able to have a frank discussion about my gender issues with ANYONE, even if it was a stranger. (Maybe because it was a stranger). ::)