Now by this, I mean how has your outlook on things related to transition or gender changed over the course of transition?
Do you have different feelings on being out vs stealth* since starting out?
Meaning did you start out thinking you'd want to be 'out' and now feel differently or vice versa?
Different feelings on surgery?
Did you start out aiming for SRS/other surgery, and now it's not as important or vice versa?
What about feelings on manhood/womanhood?
Your sexuality? Did you start out thinking you were going to be a straight man/woman and it turned out differently? Or vice versa.
Or anything else related to transition, gender,etc?
Or even the kind of life you want to live as a man/woman?
I think a lot of us think we have everything all figured out at the beginning, and then once we're far into transition, things change.
So how have things changed...or not changed?
* by stealth I mean with as few people knowing you were assigned differently at birth as humanly possible. There are always debates about what this means, but you get the drift.
Awesome post Nero! I'm still pre-everything but even just since coming out as trans and getting into therapy a lot has changed.
I used to think I'd never be able to be with a man because I never wanted to be the girl in the relationship. Now that I know I won't have to I decided that whoever I fall in love with is who I want to be with, man or woman. I decided eventually I will try to be stealth now.
Oddly enough I used to be terrified of needles. I would've rather been on meds for the rest of my life than take a single shot but now I look forward to my doctors visit and getting T-shots.
I started out being hopeful to just get on Testosterone now I'm saving cash to eventually get top surgery!
On an odd note a weird thing that really has changed is that I look forward to going to college on a campus instead of online and eventually maybe playing sports one I begin testosterone. So I guess a lot has changed already and I haven't really begun my transition.
Well, when I started transitioning I did not consider myself a woman. I thought of myself as genderqueer, androgyne. I needed to change but did not have a goal in mind. Then one day I woke up and realised that I was a woman all along. And suddenly I wanted SRS. I had never really considered it seriously before that, feeling ok with my genitals. But suddenly they were so wrong.
I never thought of myself as a lesbian to begin with though I am attracted to women. But it grew on me, and having been in a lesbian relationship for most of this year it actually has taken on more meaning than just who I liked to sleep with. There is a whole culture behind it and I really feel that difference between myself and straight women.
The last thing was before transitioning I had no concept of what it would be like living as a woman and totally feel that womanhood. I'm getting to a stage now where I feel like I am just a girl. Like I have fully integrated myself. It is hard to explain. I look back and It seems weird that I have not always been this way.
I still don't want to be stealth, though I could do it. I am attracted to the idea of stealth though, it would be so simple and easier to fade in. I could start a new job an nobody would ever know. But I really believe in being open about being trans. I still out myself a lot. But lately I find myself more reluctant to do it.
I never had everything figured out, I just took a ride and decided to see where it took me.
I always acknowledged that I might change my mind about certain things once I got farther along. But I have to admit that I never expected my lack of a penis (or my existing parts) to give me this much distress. I also never thought packing would be so important to me. And I never thought I would seriously entertain the possibility of bottom surgery. I finally decided that I'm not pleased with the state of the art, so I probably won't get bottom surgery unless something changes. But I don't have the money anyway.
I've always been outside of gay culture, and I've always wanted to be part of it. Now I'm part of a gay community. I still have massive guilt and various issues over being stealth in that world. BUT. If I had known how wonderful it would be, if I had been able to experience it for even half an hour, I think I would have found a way to transition sooner. Transition was a necessity when I finally did it; in my "what if" scenario, transition could have been a deliberate choice.
And now that people don't see me as female, all of my anti-female crap has come bubbling up to the surface. I thought I had taken care of most of that years ago. I'm distressed to find that it still lurks...no, it doesn't bother lurking. It's right up front, all mean and ugly, where I can see it. I'll need to do a lot of work to get rid of it.
In my head, I always saw myself as gay, even when I didn't know that term. That hasn't changed. But I did try hard to be bisexual. Any pretense of bisexuality has finally disappeared. I'm quite relieved about that, actually. Not because of all the anti-female feelings I'm experiencing right now but because it was hard to pretend to be bi when I wasn't.
I knew that I probably wanted to live as stealth as possible, but I never thought I would be so afraid of being outed to my new gay friends. That still bothers me so much. I was talking to one of the guys the other day, and he was telling me all of these things about women and typical female behavior that I didn't know. What a peculiar conversation. He was telling me, and I was saying, "No! Really?" because I didn't know. I thought, "I was raised as a girl; why DON'T I know this?" Well, I didn't hang around with girls when I was a teenager or a young adult, so I missed out on a lot of stuff. Then, listening to my friend some more, I started thinking, "OMG, he's going to think I'm such a liar if he ever finds out about my past. Well, I'll have to make sure I never tell him."
I fit in. I belong. They talk to me as if I'm a regular gay guy. They make assumptions about my upbringing.
In reality, I had a hybrid upbringing. I realize that now. I lived as a tomboy in real life, I rebelled against some female socialization, I didn't experience other girl stuff at all, I identified heavily with male book and movie characters, and I lived as a boy in my head.
What has stayed the same? I'm twenty-one months into my medical transition, and I'm still making major discoveries about myself and who I am.
Before transition I thought that I just wanted to be able to occasionally cross-dress publicly. I identified as transgendered. When I came out to a good friend early in the process, I told him I would not become a woman. Gradually I realized I was transsexual. Now I realize that I really am a woman, despite my birth anatomy and previous social role, and that in some sense I always have been one.
Before hormones I was a heterosexual male. Now I'm a heterosexual female. I can't explain it and didn't expect it and don't really care why it happened. I have never had anything against homosexuality or pansexuality or bisexuality or anything else. But for some reason I was and still am heterosexual.
I thought that I would always be 'out', but as I settle into living as a woman I find that I'd rather not be reminded of how I had to live before. I don't expect to ever be stealth – for one thing, I'm really lousy at dissembling or lying to people – but I'd prefer to live as much in the woodwork as I can. (I'm also a blabbermouth, so that works against even woodworking at times. ::)) My general attitude is that I will admit that I used to have to live as a man, but couldn't we talk about something more interesting?
I tended to think of gender as more fluid than I have found it to be, at least for me. I am not a woman just because I can live socially as a woman. A very select few have seen my new configuration, but it has made a huge difference in how I feel. Why would that be if gender is merely a social construct?
I think transition changes us, just as anything of importance would change us – like going away to college, or moving overseas, or going into the military, or a myriad other things. We don't know ahead of time the nuances of the changes.
- Kate
My outlook on life is generally a lot more positive...all of a sudden i feel like i have a future stretching ahead of me, rather than a stint in a grey dreary prision cell that would slowly leech every last bit of my sense of self from me. If i'm honest i'd pretty much got to that point anyway...I just didn't know who I was any more and couldn't maintain the act any more.
I always knew i was a woman, really from the onset of puberty but spent so long trying to cope with it or make it go away but now i've truly accepted it I feel a lot happier, and it's noticeable, people keep on telling me how happy I look. I know it's the right choice for me, and I'm truly happy that I had the strength to make that decision rather than take the only other way out.
I thought I'd be more chillax regarding stealth. I thought I'd be cool with some new people knowing about my past, if ever it came up.
Turns out I'm not at all ok with it, and I go as stealth as possible. I'm forever thankful my situation has lined up in a way that I can keep it to only my doctors, family, and an old social circle I rarely see (part good luck, part good management).
I never thought I had such an eccentric side, and I never thought I could or would be willing to let it out. I thought I'd have to put up a big macho act to be accepted. This hasn't been the case (though that said, I'm not girlie by nature - but I am a little more "eccentric" than your average blue-collar working man. I'd say I'm a typical straight acting gay man :laugh:).
I'm having the kind of life I thought I'd have. No big surprises other than how damn easy it's become. I thought I'd have more hurdles, to be honest.
One minor change. I went into this intending and expecting never to become involved with another person again - after all - I sure as hell wanted nothing to do with it before transition. That's still true, but I'm finding now I'm a least a little open to the idea of a not-so-serious thing.
On similar lines - I thought I was "in love" once before... but it pales in comparison to the intensity of what I feel now. Only after becoming comfortable in myself, have I developed the emotional capacity to truly feel for another (Though it's not something that's reciprocated. Doubtful I'd act on it, even if it was - so it's really a non-issue).
Everything else is exactly as it was so far. I'm a little surprised how much everything has stayed the same :laugh:. For such a "big life altering change" it really hasn't had many unexpected effects.
Quote from: K8 on November 05, 2010, 06:49:05 PMBefore hormones I was a heterosexual male. Now I'm a heterosexual female. I can't explain it and didn't expect it and don't really care why it happened. I have never had anything against homosexuality or pansexuality or bisexuality or anything else. But for some reason I was and still am heterosexual.
- Kate
I think the reverse might happen to me; I've been thinking about it since I decided I would eventually, someday, have to transition and started looking for therapy. I perceive myself as bisexual but I can't imagine myself as a woman with a woman or as a man with a man.
When I first came out surgery was the only focus I had.
Now I am non-op. (a very complicated personal descision I do not expect anyone to understand)
I started out pre HRT Pansexual with a preferance for males.
Now I am pansexual with a preferance for females. (Seems I have always been primarily gay. lol )
Ironicaly I am now beggining to understand males. (go figure, I had to take E to figure out dudes lol)
I see gender as a spectrum now, I ussed to see it as a binary. (this is Sevans doing. Kinda hard to believe in a binary when one is loving and living with an androgyne.....)
and a ton of little things that are just to numerous to go into
A lot has changed. I always saw myself as a girl/woman, but it's only now I'm beginning to realise how much more I still have to learn, how much I missed while growing up. It feels like chasing a moving target, but in a positive kind of way, by being amazed how much you discover on the way.
Because my body is way out of proportion for being in the gg-range, stealth simply is not an option, but I'm ok with it, after all this is me and my life I'm aiming for, not perfection. But still I have to admit I'm a bit jealous to those for whom stealth is an option...if I could, possibly I would...
When I started counseling, somehow I managed to think that SRS was an option, not a certainty. Now it is a certainty which already has a date attached to it. Then I used to thinks FFS was not necessary, that I would be happy with my face just the way it is. But now I'm starting to feel the woman inside will need more than hormones to come out, and so I'm very seriously considering and researching FFS.
Concerning my sexuality, I always considered myself heterosexual when living as a male, since I only fell in love with women. Now however this all of a sudden does not seem to be such a fixed something. I'm not totally surprised, as I heard stories from others trans-people, and have had these sexual fantasies about men with me in the female role, but still I look forward to where this will lead me :-)
And even on a professional level, I have a feeling (for some years already) that what I was doing is not satisfying. (I used to be working in IT). Because of a move to the UK last summer (yes, even housing is changing), I now have the opportunity to try out something completely different, as I will try to work as a volunteer in a hospital. Somehow I'm convinced I will be far more happy working with people io machines.
Once you start changing fundamental things in your life, I guess everything is up for inspection, to see if it will be allowed to stay or go...
I have always know I was a girl/woman so that never changed. I did have this fear that I would be stuck in that in between stage. Then I seriously began to work toward SRS, and things started moving in that direction.
I thought I have guys figured out, having lived on that side of the fence. And women were a mystery. But at two years now, I find that women I understand better than I thought I did. Guys for some reason have gotten to ether be dumber ( Sorry Guys ) or I now have to guess as what they are up to.
My Sexuality is fluid. Which I guess means I am ether Pan or BI. Depends on whether you think gender is binary or not.
I am sort of stealth. I did not deliberately set out to be stealth. It is just that I blend in and I don't wear a t-shirt that says Transformers sexual.
I just live my life as a woman. Period.
Wow, great question! I know a question is good when I think I could write a book about the topic.
So here we go, this is just going to be a brain dump so look out :P.
I used to be the most introverted person in the world, now I crave talking with people and connecting with them. I would say that emotional connections with other people drive me more than anything else these days. Prior to transition, I was highly emotional, for "guy" at least. I pretty much gave most girls a run for their money in that department. Now, I wouldn't say I feel emotional more often, because I would be a ridiculous mess of a human being if that were the case, but when I feel emotions, I feel them SO MUCH DEEPER. I completely fall to pieces. Along those lines, I used to think I was empathetic in the extreme but now, looking back, I would say I had absolutely no clue back then about the emotional connections people can have with each other.
Babies and other little cute things reduce me to goo, where I would have just gone "awe that's cute" before. I can't stand a lot of the music I used to like, and I like music now I would have never been able to stand before. I used to enjoy lively debates about interesting topics. Now such things drive me from the room. I used to be a lot more interested in how things work, now I generally couldn't care less. A lot of that stuff seems stereotypical, I'm sure, but it's just what's happened I can't help it.
I've talked about my sexuality on susans before, here (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,86615.msg620332.html#msg620332), and other places on this site somewhere lol.
In the end the most surprising thing to me about all of this is how much I feel like I'm a completely different person than I was a few short years ago. I would have told you going into transition that I was a woman through and through, even back then, appearances notwithstanding, and after I got through the transitional phase of my life I fully expected that I would still be the same person underneath, though maybe looking different and sounding different. But remembering the person I was back then, I know that I do not think the same way, I do not have the same interests, I do not have the same needs, and I don't even see the world the same way as I did back then.
I thought transition was a superficial undertaking; the act of simply making the outside match the inside, but that has turned out to be completely wrong. Yes, transition is in part the act of making the outside coincide better with ones gender identity, but it also causes profound changes from within that make ones brain operate more inline with ones gender identity as well. And, while it surprises me, in most ways I'm glad. Before transitioning I couldn't figure out for the life of me why such superficial changes seemed to be so important to me, and now I know why... transition isn't superficial at all. I think transition is every bit about getting your brain and its function to line up with your identity as it is anything else.
I don't feel like I'm literally somebody else, though. But yet I find that while I want so badly to tell people from my past that I'm the same old me, I'm just sooooo different now that it's hard for me to even believe that anymore.
I have my ups and downs still. (post op post transition btw) part of that is from living in montana. its a beautiful state but the ppl here in billings different. im looking forward to going to pharmacy school in portland and be somewhere a little more progressive. I get depressed about being single and get lonely still, but who doesn't. But overall completing my journey has made me a stronger, more determined individual.
Audrey: Sorry Nero but I had to say it. Oh my god pug!!!!! Your pug is gorgeous!
That being said, interesting topic Nero, everyone's responses are awesome.
I'm finally me.
It took forever (4 months to be exact) for my lower surgery to completely heal.
Like Arch, I just want to fit into someplace, and never have I ever felt more at home than with gay men. I also fear outing in that group, even though I do have appropriate equipment. I just want to live as me and not have the trans thing hanging over my head.
I'm talking to a guy right now that may lead to dating, but it's hard to do that whole get to know you thing without a bunch of awkward questions esp. regarding my kids; answering is difficult without outing myself.
I have never been happier in my own skin. I just want to get on with the rest of my life as ME.
Jay
Quote from: Jen on November 09, 2010, 10:51:03 PM
I used to think I was empathetic in the extreme but now, looking back, I would say I had absolutely no clue back then about the emotional connections people can have with each other.
I know what you mean, Jen. I would always wonder how women could sit for hours and talk to each other about their families and friends and others. Now I find that I love doing it, too. :)
Quote from: Jen on November 09, 2010, 10:51:03 PM
I thought transition was a superficial undertaking; the act of simply making the outside match the inside, but that has turned out to be completely wrong. Yes, transition is in part the act of making the outside coincide better with ones gender identity, but it also causes profound changes from within that make ones brain operate more inline with ones gender identity as well. And, while it surprises me, in most ways I'm glad. Before transitioning I couldn't figure out for the life of me why such superficial changes seemed to be so important to me, and now I know why... transition isn't superficial at all. I think transition is every bit about getting your brain and its function to line up with your identity as it is anything else.
I don't feel like I'm literally somebody else, though. But yet I find that while I want so badly to tell people from my past that I'm the same old me, I'm just sooooo different now that it's hard for me to even believe that anymore.
This has made me think. I've insisted all along that I am the same person, just more free and repackaged, but I think Jen has a point. For me, the differences seem subtle, but I'm struggling to figure out who I am now. I'm the same person but in some ways very different. I just haven't yet figured out what those differences are. :-\
- Kate
Quote from: K8 on November 10, 2010, 08:22:02 AM
I know what you mean, Jen. I would always wonder how women could sit for hours and talk to each other about their families and friends and others. Now I find that I love doing it, too. :)
This has made me think. I've insisted all along that I am the same person, just more free and repackaged, but I think Jen has a point. For me, the differences seem subtle, but I'm struggling to figure out who I am now. I'm the same person but in some ways very different. I just haven't yet figured out what those differences are. :-\
- Kate
Jen does bring up some very good points. I also think the change is more than gender/sex related. You can't go through such a soul searching experience and body overhaul without being changed inside. You're also now someone who has cheated destiny in a way. That has to change how you see the world and your role in it.
I agree with Jen, too. I'd posted before reading responses.
I am still me, but I have changed. Funny how you ladies like to talk; that didn't bother me much pre-transition, now it drives me crazy how much women talk!! Today at the dentist I'm waiting to check in and the receptionist and a client (both women) were going on and on and on and on. And the women at work. ::) LOL
And I'm growing and changing by finally able to be myself, and to be seen as myself.
Jay
Wow, that's a LOT of far-reaching questions! :D
I "transitioned" in 1974 at the age of 24 so here are my responses from 'over the horizon':
-- Do you have different feelings on being out vs stealth* since starting out?
Stealth was the only option back then - it was expected and, frankly, the ability to go stealth was one of the requirements. I have never had any desire to be "out" (anymore than I am by participating in these forums) - I transitioned to lead a normal life and my desire has never changed.
-- Different feelings on surgery?
I always felt I was a woman/girl and lived part of my teens en femme. Being physically female was an absolute necessity for me to continue to grow and develop as a person and the years I was stalled (age 18 to 24) were absolute hell and led to me being dangerously suicidal. Had SRS not become available when it did, my funeral would have been in 1973.
-- What about feelings on manhood/womanhood?
I always felt that I was a girl but it was just a feeling, a suspicion. After SRS/transition I found out I was absolutely RIGHT! It fit like a comfy old slipper. Everything was perfectly natural and comfortable and I realized that prior to that I had been an AC appliance trying to run on DC - it just didn't work. For me, it is where I needed to be!
Having spent my entire adult life as a woman, there are many things that irk me, like discrimination in the work place, being dismissed by men, not being as strong as a man, and there are things GG's have that I sorely missed, primarily motherhood. There are things about men that annoy me - but they are just being men LOL! But where I am is where I fit. This is MY life and I enjoy it because this is where I "fit".
-- Did you start out thinking you were going to be a straight man/woman and it turned out differently?
ROFLMAO! OH YEA! I was absolutely straight as a teenager (attracted exclusively to boys) - which made it difficult explaining to medical practitioners of the 1960's that I WASN'T "Gay" LOL! Three years after surgery and after the dissolution of my first marriage I was drinking quite a bit and woke up one morning in the bed of another woman. Oh man did that screw up my head!!! :icon_eek: I had NEVER been attracted to girls but that experience had been enjoyable and I found myself wondering why the hell I had gone through all I had gone through to end up in bed with another woman! It took me awhile to realize that I was finally comfortable with myself and that opened up other possibilities in my own sexuality. (I am still predominantly straight and don't find myself sexually attracted to other women but often do find myself emotionally very close with my women friends.)
-- Or even the kind of life you want to live as a man/woman?
Wow! That was the biggest surprise of my life.
All I ever wanted, from childhood on, was to grow up, get married, and raise a family. That was still my expectation when I married the first time, but life didn't go that direction. Through circumstances and fate, I ended up being a career girl and I went WAY farther in my career than I ever could have dreamed. It still makes me sad that I never got to live that dream but when I look back at my life in general all I can think is "WOW!"
This is an excellent thread Nero, I hope it gets a lot of responses. I'd be interested in reading them all.
I'm only partially through transitioning. But I can already say my outlook is much more positive. I cut my hair, got a binder, passed, and all of a sudden it seemed like 40% of my social phobia disappeared. I've discovered I actually don't hate people. I just hated how they acted towards me, and I hated the painful awareness of being female when around them. I hated that I couldn't so much as walk next to someone without wincing at how it felt to walk, at my moobs bouncing. So I was a recluse before, an antisocial hermit. I was sure I was going to go through my life totally alone. I was pretty sure I wouldn't live long past 20, and I didn't want to live much longer. Now? I'm still a huge introvert, but with a binder and some confidence born of people actually acknowledging me as male, I can cope with people. I don't walk into a room full of people, have them call my name, and feel like hitting someone or running away. I'm so much more optimistic. I still have clinical depression that can get really bad, but even with that I see myself living happily into my 70s, and I can imagine some future.
On stealth - I used to want to hide being biologically female from everyone. When I was young and imagining it, I was in another country and nobody knew. I wanted to forget all memories of puberty and pretend I never was a girl. Now, I've spent time learning about the trans community, reading about hate crimes, coming out to people and explaining things to them. If I could give up status of stealth in order to significantly help the community and make a difference in how people perceive transsexuals and gender in general, I would. I'm still trying to decide how, and to what extent I'm willing to reveal my past. And right now I just want the experience of stealth. But in the future it doesn't have to be necessary.
Surgery - I've always wanted top surgery. Nothing's changed there. Bottom surgery is something I never thought about before, but in sexual situations I've found some discomfort with my anatomy that I hadn't experienced before, and if the technology improves I'll consider it.
Sexuality - From puberty to the age of 13, I think I was mostly attracted to men. Then I was attracted to women, saw the lesbian community, saw that butch women were accepted, and decided I could be a lesbian. I have gone through periods of being primarily straight, but transitioning I find I'm equally comfortable with the idea of a gay relationship now. On T I expect I may even prefer one, since part of my hesitation before has been that I automatically compare myself physically to men, and when my body is so female I would feel ugly, even inferior next to a man with a fully male body. Having an ftm boyfriend has been a good compromise - I still see him fully as male and can connect emotionally to him in a way that with women is harder for me, and though he is physically much less feminine than me, I know he's facing the same kind of insecurities about his appearance. So I don't feel as threatened - that's probably some reflexive caveman instinct, now that I think about it.
With my life, I touched on it before. Until I decided to transition, or maybe later on when I was partially transitioned, I tried to think of my future as a woman and saw myself alone in an apartment after vet school with a cat. Then in the office, probably doing a brilliant job intellectually, but no interactions with coworkers. Those were the only images I could conjure. No friends, no family, no partner, no joys. I knew perfectly well I couldn't be in a relationship as a woman, and I was so depressed and cynical I foresaw myself cutting off all ties so I wouldn't have to deal with the panic in social situations. I could never function socially as a woman, so I actually reached a point where I tried to decide how I would methodically isolate myself while still maintaining income for survival. As I mentioned in my introductory post, I had no idea I could transition until last year, so this was me for about 5 years - I was suicidal when I was 12 and it didn't get much better from then on. I am entirely astonished I avoided killing myself. And now, I'm in a relationship partially due to being honest about who I am. I have too many ideas for careers and my future life to know what to do with, this is all a new world to me. I'd never thought about kids, marriage, who I would befriend, and now all of these possibilities are flooding me. I've switched from pessimist to optimist. Most importantly, I can imagine myself, the person I see in a mirror, as being in the future and connected to the world. So for me, transition has changed my life more than just my outlook. And as I'm sure has been the case for others before, I think it literally saved my life.
I am still mid-transition, so I'm sure my answers will change over the next few years.
When I first started transitioning, I thought I would want to be as stealth as possible, move somewhere new where I can rebuild a lot of my acquaintence networks, etc. As someone transitioning in my 30s, with a career, I would never be 100% stealth, but I figured I could keep things compartmentalized anyway (as much of my life is now to begin with).
Then I sort of reached a point where I realized that I have no desire to pretend that nothing ever happened to me for 30+ years of life, no right to ask my SO to lie or re-create the narrative of our relationship and that I wouldn't be happy with myself if I didn't use my experiences, knowledge, and power to help TG people more generally, even if it means outing myself more widely. I also came to terms with how much moving/starting over was an avoidance issue versus related to legitimate life concerns (I've already moved a number of times due to career and personal circumstances). Don't know what the outcome will be. I just know that we'll make choices out of a position of strength, not fear.
The other big change in my outlook from before I transitioned to now is that I have come to appreciate on a much deeper level how much socioeconomics affect being transgender. I am extremely grateful to have a solid education, good career, high quality health insurance and to be in a "DINK" family situation. I always knew that I was fortunate, and I was always vaguely aware of the high (or impossible to some) costs of the various steps of transitioning. Yet that abstract knowledge has now been replaced with a very clear and obvious price tag. I still can't say that I've walked a mile in anyone else's shoes when it comes to the prohibitive costs of transitioning, but my outlook in terms of how far the transgender community has come and how much further we still need to go has changed in terms of seeing how much more work we have ahead of us before all my brothers and sisters can live healthy, fulfilling lives.
I am over 10 months on HRT, I am getting close to 3 months of RLE, so I guess I'd call it early-mid-transition. I used to make the mistake of calling myself transgendered, since I am transsexual.
I know that for me, stealth is not really something I can do; I am resigned to that. I just want to be 'out' to everyone I know, so I can get on with my life, and not have to avoid anyone. Still, I want to be partially stealth when I can.
I've got the same feelings concerning FFS and SRS. I know surgery is not my focus, but it would do wonders for my self-confidence (something I've rarely ever had). I never aimed for surgery, but I consider it a big stepping stone along the way to a better quality of life. I decided to wait at least 9 months on HRT before considering FFS, but I am trying to schedule it for April as of now. When I look in the mirror from the front, everything is not so bad, but from a profile view, I just see very strong masculine features that will not change with time. SRS-wise, I would like to be able to touch my genitals for a reason other than to tuck. Also, I think being able to end my asexual streak would be nice.
My 'manhood' was a poorly constructed idea, and was not real to me. I know that I am a woman, I've been told I act exactly like my female siblings, and I am inherently more comfortable in a female gender role. All I have to do is be me, it's that easy. As a male, I was insanely anxious about everything, but now, on RLE, not always passing, yet my anxiety has disappeared into thin air.
I lived my life under the pretense that I was a heterosexual, but possibly bisexual male. Ummm... that was an absolute failure. Starting transition, I made a point just to go wherever my sexuality went; no preconceived notions, because I've never been very 'sexually' active. At first, I thought I might be lesbian, but just last week, I was talking to this cute guy, and it made me realize I like guys on a sexual level, so I am either bi or pan. If I meet someone who does not identify as male or female, and I am attracted to them, then I guess I am pansexual. In the meantime, I can confirm that I am bisexual.
I know that when everything is said and done, I will identify just as a woman, and not as transsexual. I was once asked why I didn't get involved in the LGBT community, go to gay bars, etc. I just want to be fully integrated into a non-alternative society. Don't get me wrong, I've got nothing against the LGBT community. My social life just happens to be outside of that community.
All I want is to live a normal life, with confidence, and without the self-hatred. Nowadays, I'm the same person, just very different. Hard to explain.
Well. I'm fairly early on in my transition, I'm starting T in a month give or take a week or two. I've known I was trans for 2 years, and in the beginning, as you suggested, my thoughts on things have changed considerably.
I never intended to tell my parents I was trans, at least not until I was unable to hide my changes from testosterone. My therapist forced me to tell them, and then my family, and then my extended family.. In order for her to give me testosterone. I expected them to kick me out, because my mother and grandma always made fun of transsexuals. My father was very sheltered, I wouldn't say he's homophobic or transphobic, just... misguided. But they supported me, my whole family supports me, my eldest cousin even had me dress male in her wedding two weeks ago.
That's leading me to being unafraid of coming out to people. I came out on facebook for the national coming out day, and no one treats me different. Before, my outlook on coming out was so horrible, I didn't even intend to make friends at college for fear of them finding out my 'secret'.
Surgery has been a bumpy road for me. I'm on again off again. Being with a partner who is also transsexual has had an effect on that as well, because she's not sure what she wants with surgery either, as far as SRS goes. At first, we agreed that we would not get SRS because sex was great and we didn't have discomfort about our genitals that functioned normally. Then research showed that in order to change our drivers licenses and birth certificates, in both of our states of birth, SRS was required. So now we're unsure. The surgery for her is functional physically and sexually, but for me... We'd never be able to have sex again. And of course, there are other ways to gain pleasure that doesn't include sex, but it's different for us for personal reasons. So we're stuck between a rock and a hard place here.
My feelings about manhood and womanhood haven't changed much. I am and always have been a classic, chivalrous, protective guy, and I'm told I was that way even before I knew I was trans. I am everyone's little big brother. I stood between Elaine and her 350lb 6'1" brother when he assaulted us. And Elaine is a classic woman, sort of. She likes girly things, sweater dresses, makeup and gossip, but is also a flute maker and bicycle mechanic, she loves cars and nerf guns and airsoft guns. She switches between girly girl and tomboy frequently :) And she's always been that way too, just the girly girl part was done privately.
As far as sexuality goes, I feel like I'm more attracted to women now, relationship wise, and men, sexual wise. It was the opposite before.
My outlook on life is certainly different. I've had severe issues with suicidal depression and severe regular and social anxiety. Elaine says the change I've gone through with transition is phenomenal. I don't remember it, because I have little memory of before transition, but I do know the longer I've known and the more I've done to further my transition, the better I feel. I finally go days without contemplating suicide now that T is within my grasp. Elaine told me that I once told her that before I met her, I intended to join the military to die at least with honor. Now I want to live as long as I can so I can take care of her. :)
I'm enjoying reading everyone's different responses <3
Quote from: MorganSurgery has been a bumpy road for me. I'm on again off again. Being with a partner who is also transsexual has had an effect on that as well, because she's not sure what she wants with surgery either, as far as SRS goes. At first, we agreed that we would not get SRS because sex was great and we didn't have discomfort about our genitals that functioned normally. Then research showed that in order to change our drivers licenses and birth certificates, in both of our states of birth, SRS was required. So now we're unsure. The surgery for her is functional physically and sexually, but for me... We'd never be able to have sex again. And of course, there are other ways to gain pleasure that doesn't include sex, but it's different for us for personal reasons. So we're stuck between a rock and a hard place here.
Wow dude I could have writen most of this about Sevan and I.
Sex is not optimum but we can and do have it. I do not want to lose that intimacy. Sevan being trans also makes it ok. Ze understands why and how I tick. I do not need to explain why I react a certain way.
I will admit that if I wasn't with Sevan SRS would be the first thing on my to do list and I do feel somewhat shortchanged that I will not get SRS but like I said... the intimacy that we have I do not want to loose. It would be a better situation if Sevan had the penis and I had the vagina but it isnt that way so we work with what is there.
It has taken alot of mental algebra to learn to deal with it but I am slowly finding that place where it can be feminine to stay as is downstairs. As it stands my body and face are becoming female looking and people are treating me like a girl. So thats really the bigger part of the battle anyways isn't it?
Quote from: cynthialee on November 21, 2010, 05:44:08 PM
Wow dude I could have writen most of this about Sevan and I.
Sex is not optimum but we can and do have it. I do not want to lose that intimacy. Sevan being trans also makes it ok. Ze understands why and how I tick. I do not need to explain why I react a certain way.
I will admit that if I wasn't with Sevan SRS would be the first thing on my to do list and I do feel somewhat shortchanged that I will not get SRS but like I said... the intimacy that we have I do not want to loose. It would be a better situation if Sevan had the penis and I had the vagina but it isnt that way so we work with what is there.
It has taken alot of mental algebra to learn to deal with it but I am slowly finding that place where it can be feminine to stay as is downstairs. As it stands my body and face are becoming female looking and people are treating me like a girl. So thats really the bigger part of the battle anyways isn't it?
I completely agree, Cynthia. I think the point of transition is to live as you feel you are. I can live as I am with the genitalia I was born with, because only my partner is ever going to see it if I can darn well help it. As you said, people are treating me as a male and that's all I really care about at the moment.
It has been just unbelieveable how my outlook has changed on nearly everything since my transition was complete. I was reared with 3brothers, could never understand girls obsession with shoes, hair and makeup, I thought I understood men, after all I lived as a guy first 16years of my life, I definitely never thought Id marry a guy. I was a serious reader and more a serious person.
Since I transition, Im more of a ''bubblely person'' I laugh more, I read more fashion, gossip and cookery recipes magazines, I was very serious and inward looking as a guy, certainly no interest in cooking. Im now more outgoing and bubblely as a woman and I love cooking new recipes for my Husband. Im a different person, but a better person all round. I also developed ''women's obsessions'' yes I adore shoes, Iv over 60pairs, slingbacks, heels etc etc don't get me going on hair and makeup, Im totally obsessed, so much so, when I got married in August I had lip fillers to get pouty lips for my wedding, never tolded my Husband, he wouldnd understand.
I was slow to get srs, nevous of the surgery, but finally had my srs surgery in 1985, after the healing period Id no regrets, Iv a completely different outlook to my brothers now, Im a better and happier person and a better outlook on life as a woman.
Pauline
Quote from: Helena on November 06, 2010, 04:39:40 AM
My outlook on life is generally a lot more positive...all of a sudden i feel like i have a future stretching ahead of me, rather than a stint in a grey dreary prision cell that would slowly leech every last bit of my sense of self from me. If i'm honest i'd pretty much got to that point anyway...I just didn't know who I was any more and couldn't maintain the act any more.
I always knew i was a woman, really from the onset of puberty but spent so long trying to cope with it or make it go away but now i've truly accepted it I feel a lot happier, and it's noticeable, people keep on telling me how happy I look. I know it's the right choice for me, and I'm truly happy that I had the strength to make that decision rather than take the only other way out.
Making a right decision is difficult , I am sure that your choice is right. Be confident. I am sure that you will have a great future.