A few weeks ago, I was accused of being nothing more than a "confused young lady" because of my hobbies. It didn't really bother me at the time. I shrugged it off, and thought nothing of it. What I do with my free time and how I invest my hard earned cash is my business, and no living soul in this world has the right to tell me otherwise.
But when I approached my father the other day to try and convince him to help me purchase a limited item, he looked at me oddly and said:
"If you're going to be a boy, stop with this girly collection crap of yours."
Such a slap in the face. I didn't know how to respond. I couldn't respond. Coming from someone that I respect so, so much... realizing that he thinks I am physically, emotionally, mentally uncapable of being a man just because I have a hobby that is dominated by the female population...
It shook me up. Badly. Worse than I ever thought it would.
Now that I am calm and rational again, I know that there is no reason for me to be ashamed. I can pour my soul into a girly hobby all I want, and that won't damage my ability to be a man. I just hurt coming from someone I love and admire.
So, my question is, have you guys ever been in a situation in which a "female" interest of yours is suddenly being used as an attack against you? What did (or would) you do?
I'm sorry to hear about this. We all have our hobbies, and, though some may be done more by girls or guys, the thought of having a gender-specific hobby is just stupid. You're you no matter what gender you present, and he should understand that you're not changing. It may take a while, but hopefully he will figure this out. If it makes you feel better, I belly dance. I think that's one of the most women-dominated hobbies you can have. If you enjoy it, don't let him or anyone make you stop.
Most of my hobbies will probably give me some issues when I transition or come out. Almost nothing I do is "masculine" in the least bit. I've decided, if someone uses them as an attack against me, I'm going to "school them" in how narrow their cultural/societal views on gender are.
I don't have any female hobbies. I build things, I fix things, I write and read, and I collect antique stamps(which used to be a male child thing, back when people actually collected stamps). But if I did I don't think I would give them up. I don't know. It would depend on what it was and how important it was to me.
Mmm I know what that's like. It sucks and I'm sorry you have to go through that. D:
I too am in a hobby that is predominately female. For those of you who don't know, I collect resin ball jointed dolls, and for whatever reason, it is completely unacceptable that a boy collect dolls in this society. :/ The girls in the hobby love it when a doll loving guy comes in though. But yeah, many people outside the hobby use that against me whenever I mention my gender. They tell me, "You say you want to be a boy but yet you still act like a girl!" or "Guys don't play with dolls. You're just confused right now and are trying too hard," or I just get odd stares or laughed at. >.<;
My dad also blamed my transexuality on my doll collecting hobby. How he managed to do that, I have no idea, but he told me the only reason I want to be a boy is because of my doll? I don't know. I've stopped questioning my dad's system of logic.
Honestly, the only thing I really can do is hold my head up high and continue loving my little resin kiddies. I simply just deal with it and let it roll off my back because this hobby brings me so much happiness, and I refuse to let anyone take that away from me. No one has the right to strip you of your masculinity because you enjoy a feminine hobby. I mean, if girls can enjoy masculine hobbies (cars, sports, etc), then why can't we guys enjoy our feminine hobbies? It doesn't make any sense to me. :/
This is another example of how generalizations do more harm than good. Sure a certain hobby can be liked by more women than men but making the designation that males should not do certain hobbies is just as lame as making the designation that females should not do certain hobbies. But in our society there's so much still placed on gender (and only male OR female - not both, not in between, not null). I think the whole binary gender system is the cause of so many problems.
One of the things that used to take me to red-hot-pissed-in-no-time-flat was if anyone referred to me as "young lady" - or like what you got - that whatever behavior, clothing, style, action, etc, wasn't fit for a "young lady" to do. I've never been a lady for one thing and when someone would say something like that it always made me feel like this society in general feels that women shouldn't and can't do what they want to do - that they should basically just act a certain way and produce babies for the men folk. So archaic. But I guess after thousands and thousands of years of it being a certain way it's hard for people has a whole to just say no to that line of crap.
I got lucky in that it's only ever been my mom (or the rare outside relative) who said something like that. My mom never will accept that I'm not female. That's a case-closed type of thing and whatever, I don't change the way I act for her. She still refers to me as her daughter, blah blah blah. But I also live 1000 miles away so it's not like I have to deal with it on a daily basis. My dad always treated me like a son, from the get-go. He'd always buy me the cool presents like erector sets and science stuff and legos. He never once treated me like I couldn't do something or achieve something or participate in something because of some pre-defined gender rules.
I have plenty of hobbies usually associated with females (just see my avatar for one of them), and I don't plan on giving up any of them. Sure, if I'd been born male, I might be collecting Transformers instead of My Little Ponies, or doing woodworking instead of sewing. Or not. There's dudes out there who do these things too. On this crochet show that comes on TV, they have a guy on there occasionally. I've met a couple of guys who sew. My hobbies are part of me; I'm not going to change who I am to please someone else.
Quote from: jmaxley on November 09, 2010, 06:17:17 PM
I have plenty of hobbies usually associated with females (just see my avatar for one of them), and I don't plan on giving up any of them. Sure, if I'd been born male, I might be collecting Transformers instead of My Little Ponies, or doing woodworking instead of sewing. Or not. There's dudes out there who do these things too. On this crochet show that comes on TV, they have a guy on there occasionally. I've met a couple of guys who sew. My hobbies are part of me; I'm not going to change who I am to please someone else.
Oh dude that crochet guy makes some pretty awesome stuff!
since i was little, i've been collecting pokemon cards, digimon cards, yugioh cards, and magic cards. I used to play with barbies, (what little girl didn't?), and eventually got into harry potter. But when it comes to animals, i always tell them how cute and adorable they are. This may be a downfall to my transition, seeing as how i have 5 animals..so when i bring home friends, and they assume i'm a guy, that can be a little...strange, haha..
I don't have any hobbies that are considered feminine or dominated by females (except maybe shopping for clothes because I like being a fashionable guy haha) but my best advice for you is never give up on something that you genuinely enjoy no matter how much crap you might catch for it. Don't conform to what society sees as something a male should or shouldn't do, instead, do YOU. Don't worry about what anyone else has to say cause no one else has to live your life except you.
Dude, I'm in a damn sewing class at school (well, a fashion class.) There is one bioguy in there and one transguy (me. :D) I talk about how cute things are all of the time with my female friends. I fanboy over hot male celebrities (and female celebrities - I love me some cute girls), even though I find it pretty irritating and try not to do it.
Annnddd...let's just say my childhood hobbies were a lot more masculine than my current hobbies. XDD
Oh, and I can't forget writing. That's pretty much my life.
The way I feel about it: The drummer of one of favorite bands had hair that went past his ass and he collected perfumes. He collected perfumes and traded his favorites with another band member who also collected perfume. I wouldn't worry too much about hobbies being too girly.
Though, I've never really had a hobby used against me. Well, actually, when I told my dad that I'm taking fashion class, he freaked out at me and now asks me every time I see him how my fashion class is going because he cannot believe I'm taking that class.
If I call something pretty, he looks at me and says that he doesn't expect to here me call something pretty - AND he doesn't know I'm trans. I think that would only make that situation worse though. He would expect me to go to the gym, work out all of the time, etc.
Now I'm just rambling about my life and how my parents can't know I'm trans. So I'll shut up now. XD
It's part of the male experience...you don't get a free pass just because you were born with girl parts. People will question your masculinity if you have traditionally-feminine interests, hobbies, or mannerisms. Homophobia, sissyphobia, whatever you want to call it, this is just something guys deal with.
Most of us just hide our "girly" interests and put on a facade of masculinity. The braver ones stand up for themselves and are publicly effeminate, even feminine, risking ridicule or even physical abuse. But I feel fairly confident saying there's not one male living in the US who hasn't heard something along the lines of "stop with the girly crap." Probably from his father. And most react with the same shock and dismay...the first time...but eventually, it's just expected.
Hmm, well, I've yet to tell anyone but friends that I'm planning to transition soon, but I imagine this sort of 'man up' response is in the same vein as what gay FTM's experience. "If you want to be with men, why not be a girl?" seems remarkably similar to "if you're going to have 'girly' hobbies, why be a boy?"
I've also got some 'feminine' hobbies. I make costumes to wear at sci-fi/fantasy and anime conventions, which would include sewing (although I've honestly never enjoyed the sewing parts), I occasionally collect Pokemon plush and toys, and I enjoy musical and non-musical theatre. On the flip side I have more 'masculine' interests as well. I follow college basketball, I enjoy crafting with power tools, wood, and plastics such as building costume props and armor as well as DIY home repair, and I build and fix computers.
I do think a few of my more effete interests will garner me some grief at some point during or even post transition, but I'll just laugh it off because I personally don't plan on pretending that I had a typical 'boyhood' because clearly I didn't. There's always going to be some residual quirks that'll be noticed, and if there weren't then I'd be hiding aspects of myself, and that's why I'm transitioning; to stop hiding how I feel and what I am. I'm not looking for a history re-write and to pretend that past experiences didn't help make me who I am, and aside from a few physical things, I quite like that person, haha.
Besides, I think gender variance can be awesome when people are happy being who they are and that stereotypes like 'boys don't play with dolls' and such hurt everyone, not just those in the LGBT spectrum.
Quote from: Keagan on November 09, 2010, 02:44:03 PM
I too am in a hobby that is predominately female. For those of you who don't know, I collect resin ball jointed dolls, and for whatever reason, it is completely unacceptable that a boy collect dolls in this society. :/ The girls in the hobby love it when a doll loving guy comes in though. But yeah, many people outside the hobby use that against me whenever I mention my gender. They tell me, "You say you want to be a boy but yet you still act like a girl!" or "Guys don't play with dolls. You're just confused right now and are trying too hard," or I just get odd stares or laughed at. >.<;
My dad also blamed my transexuality on my doll collecting hobby. How he managed to do that, I have no idea, but he told me the only reason I want to be a boy is because of my doll? I don't know. I've stopped questioning my dad's system of logic.
Honestly, the only thing I really can do is hold my head up high and continue loving my little resin kiddies. I simply just deal with it and let it roll off my back because this hobby brings me so much happiness, and I refuse to let anyone take that away from me. No one has the right to strip you of your masculinity because you enjoy a feminine hobby. I mean, if girls can enjoy masculine hobbies (cars, sports, etc), then why can't we guys enjoy our feminine hobbies? It doesn't make any sense to me. :/
This is exactly what I'm talking about, and I mean
exactly. You hit that silly little nail right on the head. I collect BJDs, too. My dad hasn't gone to the extend of blaming my transexuality on them, but he does give me that "boys don't do that" look whenever I just start rambling and rambling about a
doll, or whenever I'm just chilling out on the couch and knitting a miniature beanie or whatever.
It doesn't really bother me that people in general are going to immediately question my masculinity because I like to carry around a chunk of resin big enough to break noses with. It more so bothered me that my dad would use it against me as a reason why I shouldn't transition. I knew that if I just hid it away, like Kyril said a lot of guys do, it would just hurt me in the end. It's important to me. I enjoy it. And it gives me something to focus on when things are getting too tough to handle. Everyone, regardless of who or what they are, has the right to be happy, yes? It just sucks that such an important figure in my life is going to use it to bash my head in.
I've had some teasing, even questioning, from my dad about some things I do. "If you're a man, don't wear eyeliner. Why follow fashion? Some guy you are." It sucks, but it's his ignorance and not my problem.
I cut out photos of clothing and outfits from Instyle for inspiration. I write poetry. I listen to girly music and dance around my room. Yet when I mentioned that I was a rather feminine guy once, my mom couldn't think of what about me was feminine. Nor could my boyfriend. They had to think about it for a long time before they decided that skipping and reading instyle were my most feminine activities, so they don't exactly define my life or gender.
Usually if questioned I reply with examples of other guys who have feminine interests. Don't worry about typically female things somehow making you female. If you like a hobby, continue it.
Quote from: Damian on November 09, 2010, 06:22:41 PMThis may be a downfall to my transition, seeing as how i have 5 animals..so when i bring home friends, and they assume i'm a guy, that can be a little...strange, haha..
One of my closest friends (who is a bio male) has 8 dwarf hamsters, 3 parakeets, 2 hamsters (of another breed), and joint ownership of 2 guinea pigs I'm currently taking care of. He's brought a couple of the dwarf hamsters to class a few times, and people have gone over to his house and never have doubted his masculinity. Just thought it was awesome that he had so many pets. (His dad even helped him get a few of them).
Everyone in my family (including my dad and brother) baby-talks to my cat about how adorable she is. Don't worry about it. :laugh:
Being criticized for being too girly is like a rite of passage into manhood. Fathers remind their sons not to be sissies. Sons respond by either cutting out their feminine behavior or getting a thick skin about it.
I know it sucks to be chastised for your hobbies, and everyone should be free to like whatever they like regardless of gender, but I think it's kind of cool that your dad is treating you like his son now.
Sorry your masculinity is being questioned like that man. Growing up I never played with dolls but that's because they kinda frightened me. I always played with toy horses and collected them though. Gave 8 years of my life to horseback riding which by some has been called a "girl's sport".
I have had that happen to me a few times, i dont even remember what i was doing that was "girly"
but the people who told me those things, were family members who didnt want me to transition, i think all it is is their fear, and them trying to get you to change your mind, its a mean insulting way that they try to convince themselves that you arent a man.
Quote from: Michael Alexander on November 10, 2010, 12:31:19 AM
Gave 8 years of my life to horseback riding which by some has been called a "girl's sport".
haha dude horseback riding is definitely not a girl sport. I just got back into it(still trying to figure how to ride and not feel like I'm busting my genitals open thanks to the growth lol). But seriously look at the World Equestrian Games, 90% of the top riders are men over 30.
Quote from: Carson on November 10, 2010, 09:09:27 AM
haha dude horseback riding is definitely not a girl sport. I just got back into it(still trying to figure how to ride and not feel like I'm busting my genitals open thanks to the growth lol). But seriously look at the World Equestrian Games, 90% of the top riders are men over 30.
Owww that's not something I even thought about. I don't ride anymore, can't afford it, but when I start back up after being on T that will be an interestingly painful experience I guess. That's a very good point though about the Equestrian Games I didn't think about that.
Welcome to the world of manhood. You'll get told not to be a sissy if you do something girlie. It happens.
Fathers do it to their sons all the time. They do it because they love you, and they want to help you "fit in" to your new found world. They don't want their boys to get picked on or beat up.
They aren't always "right" - especially to our eyes - but more often than not their intentions are in the right place.
We talk so often about how things should be. In principal - I agree. But that's not how the outside, off forum, real "cis" world works.
And honestly - as bad as this sounds - until we stop holding up our own pre-transition or childhood masculine interests as some sort of "badge of real manhood" - we're as guilty of perpetuating the gender stereotypes as they are.
I've been confronted with my interests but not so much in a direct negative way. It might have been the way your father said it that drove you off the top. Either way, you are the one in power to not feel challenged or put down.
I personally am very proud of what my hobbies are--masculine or feminine-and would not change a thing about it.
If my mother told me that 'guys don't do that', I automatically think--I'm glad I can appreciate what I do and not feel threatened because I know I am more than society's black and whites.
Being an ftm, we're not as history-free as cis-gendered men but it's this that makes us unique. I don't mean go running around with transpride if that's not what you're into but just know that you are you first, before any gender constrictions.
Ahhh, pretty much ALL of my hobbies are 'girly'! I LOVE to crochet, do it all the time, even take it to school with me if I feel like it, and I have to say, I recon I'm DAMN good at it :P Not to mention I enjoy it a lot, and it calms me. I don't see why I should give it up, or be ashamed of it, just because I'm a guy playing with some wool?
I also love to make jewellery, do beading and am always buying those DIY craft kits, like scratch paintings and paint by numbers. At first, when I was only just realising who I was, it gave me a lot of trouble, because I thought that perhaps my hobbies meant I wasn't really a guy. But I quickly came to realise that they don't have anything to do with my gender, they're just interests.
A few hundred hears ago a guy would have been held in contempt for wanting to cook, but now there are probably more professional male chefs than ever. It's just all about what society deems the norm at a certain point in time. Who knows, one day knitting may be seen as a traditionally male hobby :P Would that make any women still practicing it tomboys by default? Hell no :P
So I shall go on beading, and having a damn good time of it! :D
I wouldn't worry too much about it. Society today just has too many things categorized as male or female. Do what makes you happy.
Hmm I've never really been into anything feminine, and whenever I did play dolls with my cousin I was always the one boy doll. And I've been lucky that neither of my parents gave me a hard time about things I did/do. I'm not really sure how i'd react.
But I do remember a time (around age 9) when I was at my grandparents house and my grandpa was lifting weights with my uncle, and he wouldn't let me lift the smaller ones because he said "girls don't need to build muscle" it pissed me off greatly, so I went in the room with my grandma to vent, and she told me to tell him how I felt. So I wrote my feelings down and went back out there and told him that it wasn't right for him to say I couldn't or shouldn't do something just because he says I'm a girl. He smiled and apologized and said I was right.
So pretty much, men respect when you can stand up for yourself, especially man to man, no matter what the situation is. Let your dad know that you shouldn't be judged by what you do based on gender, and just firmly put it to him letting him know your standing up for yourself as a man.
Quote from: kyril on November 09, 2010, 07:23:12 PM
It's part of the male experience...you don't get a free pass just because you were born with girl parts. People will question your masculinity if you have traditionally-feminine interests, hobbies, or mannerisms. Homophobia, sissyphobia, whatever you want to call it, this is just something guys deal with.
Most of us just hide our "girly" interests and put on a facade of masculinity. The braver ones stand up for themselves and are publicly effeminate, even feminine, risking ridicule or even physical abuse. But I feel fairly confident saying there's not one male living in the US who hasn't heard something along the lines of "stop with the girly crap." Probably from his father. And most react with the same shock and dismay...the first time...but eventually, it's just expected.
^^ true.
Hmm ive always been really into music and playing instraments. Ive always loved to skateboard an play sports. Ive never been interested in anything really "girly." When i was younger though i remember people alway saying thats for boys, or go play with the girls. I didnt care.
Quote from: Keagan on November 09, 2010, 02:44:03 PM
Mmm I know what that's like. It sucks and I'm sorry you have to go through that. D:
I too am in a hobby that is predominately female. For those of you who don't know, I collect resin ball jointed dolls, and for whatever reason, it is completely unacceptable that a boy collect dolls in this society. :/ The girls in the hobby love it when a doll loving guy comes in though. But yeah, many people outside the hobby use that against me whenever I mention my gender. They tell me, "You say you want to be a boy but yet you still act like a girl!" or "Guys don't play with dolls. You're just confused right now and are trying too hard," or I just get odd stares or laughed at. >.<;
Me, too. I also used to love dolls, I had like a weird obsession with them, and I loved dolls houses. I still have no idea why, when most other things I liked had to do with either sports or gaming lol.
As for other hobbies, I tend to listen to a lot of girly music (not really a hobby, I know), and I have to wear short spandex for a sport I play. :/ I also love horses, which a lot of people see as pretty feminine for some reason, especially considering I don't actually ride.
Putting gender labels on hobbies is a silly thing. What exactly determines if an action is male or female, it is largely cultural.
People have doubted my masculinity because I have a few posters of Alphonse Mucha, Audrey Hepburn and Amelia Earheart and my taste in music and movies is not what one would consider "masculine". On the other hand I love working with large machinery. What is exactly so feminine about loving horses? If I had the time and money I would continue my riding lessons.
Just do what you like to do, there are far too many cultural restrictions in this world!