Last night I sent my dad an email asking if he wanted to go for dinner just me and him because I needed to tell him something. I'm not too sure how it's gonna go but my dads a pretty understanding guy. I live on my own and i'm 21 so if he doesn't handle it well its not like I'm stuck being around him. He's gonna be the first person I tell and I'm scared. tommorow my relationship with my dads gonna change forever and I hope its for the better. I just can't keep this to myself anymore.
Best of luck and wishes.
Coming out to family is a hard thing but in most cases it is not an option. It must be adressed.
Weather he is suportive or he is not we here at Susans would like to know and cheer you on or console you depending on the end result.
Keep your head up and state your case with authority and be pleasent when you get asked questions. Even if he fires off some snide mean statements and questions. Often even the suportive members of our families have a bad initial reaction to this news.
Hugz
Cynthia Lee
Erocse and I will be thinking of you and wishing for you the best. Erocse came out to our children and they were actually kind and supportive. We are lucky to have them. I hope that your dad, who'll be suprized in the end is kind and supportive as well.
**HUGS!**
Mrs. Erocse & Erocse.
thanks all for the support! it helps so much.
even if my dad is harsh I will not be able to get angry with him, I can understand how much of a shock it will be. I kind of feel like it doesn't matter to much what my dad will think because I'm the "black sheep" of the family. my dad divorced my mom and re married and had 2 boys and I've been a very small part of his life since then since he's been so busy.
I have seen both reactions.
My mom took it super well. (she even started to try and explain to me curent trans theory's and she was very informed already. Turns out one of moms ex girlfriends is MTF. Mom wouldnt say who.)
Sevans parents did not react well to hir transition. They kinda hit the ceiling. Anyways hir mom came around after a few months. Dad has not made any attempts to contact Sevan but he never did much in the past. I suspect his wife has him on a short enough leash to keep him cival.
well my dad has hinted a few times very cleverly that hes alright if im gay, but i never responded with anything that would lead him to believe anything so that means he is kind of understanding and that he has noticed there's something different about me. I doubt hes ever considered this though.
Quote from: jessica on November 14, 2010, 08:35:19 AMtommorow my relationship with my dads gonna change forever and I hope its for the better. I just can't keep this to myself anymore.
Jessica... first of all, welcome to Susan's! You've definitely come to the right place - we're all family here.
And yes, when you tell him, your relationship with him will indeed change. I will pray it's for the better, and you should definitely hope for that. I came out to my children recently, and whereas I was terrified that they would reject me (they're 19, 24 and 27), in reality they were all very loving and supportive. If you think it might help to read about, scroll down to the Blogs section and read the thread in my blog (Believe in the Rainbow) where I talk about coming out to my kids. Anyway, welcome, and we'll all be praying for you. Please do come back and let us know how it went. We care!
My father hinted to me for years that it was ok I was gay. (which I am just in a more lesbian way lol)
I never did come out to him. He passed away quite a few years ago.
I think my dad would have fliped out and been a dick at first. Then a couple weeks later he would likely call me and we would meet up and smoke out, and all would be well.
thanks colleen, I've been lurking here for a while and this site is partially the reason why I have built up the courage to tell my dad and I definitely will let you know how it goes. I was thinking about giving this website to my dad too.
sorry to hear that cynthia (hey my mom has the same name)
I'm kinda glad my dad has hinted that before because I do like guys but I just couldn't picture myself long term with a guy while im in this body.
Quote from: cynthialee on November 14, 2010, 09:35:06 AMI think my dad would have fliped out and been a dick at first. Then a couple weeks later he would likely call me and we would meet up and smoke out, and all would be well.
That's a VERY good point, Jessica - don't necessarily take the initial reaction at face value, and expect that's the last of it. Peoples' reactions initially may be one way, and then when they get over the initial shock, they have a different perspective. So if he reacts badly at first, give him time, he may come around. Even people who react well at first, though, can hit "rough patches", so the watch-word is patience and time.
yeah, I'm prepared for however long it will take for him to come to terms with it, be it overnight or if it takes years for him to come around I can understand and I'm prepared for it.
Good Luck!!!
I found that my parents seemed to take it ok at first but a few days later they had a zillion concerns and questions. Once I answered those questions, they chilled out a bit.
I think tommorow before I talk with my dad I'm going to go to a counselor and talk with them about what I'm going to say to my dad. I think it would help me get my thoughts together, god all ive been able to think about all day is tomorrow.
Good plan, Jessica. Just remember - the first one is always the hardest. It does get easier. One thought, though... ONLY come out to someone if you are SURE you MUST - i.e. have a really good reason for doing so. Don't just think you have to come out "just because you do." Ex: I didn't come out to my kids until it was obvious to me that it was the best decision, no matter how it turned out. I'm really glad I did. However, make sure you are in the same position - you know it IS the best decision, in that particular case, no matter how it turns out. Just a thought...
yes, im sure its the right decision... I can't go on keeping it a secret, out of everyone I know my dad is the only person I can bring myself to tell. it would really help me to have my dads support on this and depending on how he reacts there's a chance we will become closer but i'm not getting my hopes up I just want him to know as he has seen my troubles through my life, ADD like symptoms, Depression, isolation..... all of it is caused by the frustration of my body not matching my mind. It's just too much for one person to live with inside.
Quote from: jessica on November 14, 2010, 08:10:26 PM
yes, im sure its the right decision... I can't go on keeping it a secret, out of everyone I know my dad is the only person I can bring myself to tell.
That's good, Jessica. I don't doubt it. Good luck tomorrow, I'll be praying for you.
We will be thinking of you tomorrow, Jessica! We wish you the best of luck!
Oh girl, hope it goes well!!!!!!!! Let us know
thanks all for the support, I just got back from dinner with my dad and it went really well! I had a really hard time getting it out, at first all I told him was that I need to see a therapist that specializes in gender issues, my dad then started asking questions about it. He could tell I was choking up and gave me the "look your my son and I'll love you no matter what" speech. then I told him what I got is called gender dysphoria and its been effecting me for a long time. He wasn't exactly sure what it meant and asked some more questions i began to feel really uncomfortable with some of the questions he was asking but I knew he was just curious but I told him that I wasn't comfortable talking about it too much right now and that it has taken me along time just to be able to admit to myself what I'm going through. He asked me if I don't feel like a guy and I just nodded. I told him he should look it up online, I'm gonna send him a couple sites. He said he was gonna get home and on the internet right after. God what a roller coaster of emotion and its only the tip of the ice berg so far, but it probably wouldn't have happened for a long time if it weren't for all of you I'm so glad there's a place like this im tearing up right now, THANK YOU ALL
congratulations on overcoming that hurdle! i've found coming out becomes easier with practice, so it makes sense that it was a little uncomfortable :)
I am glad things went well for you Jessica. Maybe after he looks some things up he will be more supportive.
Jessica, GOOD for you, girl! Way to go! Now, don't be dismayed if he goes through a period where he has difficulty with it, that's normal - this is a BIG elephant to swallow! And, how do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time. But it sounds like he's on his way, and so are you. And believe me, it DOES get easier. You can feel proud of yourself - you done good. Now, have a good cry, you deserve it!
This is one of your bigest hurdles out of the way. Congrats.
I hope that when your dad soaks it all in and processes it all is well.
Hugz,
Cynthia Lee
Congratulations Jessica. This is truly a big step. I remember when I came out to my mom it was extremely difficult. I had already told my wife, several close friends and even my pastor, but telling my mom was still very hard. It took a lot of courage to do what you did and you should be very proud of yourself.
Quote from: jessica on November 15, 2010, 08:24:46 PM
I'm gonna send him a couple sites. He said he was gonna get home and on the internet right after.
If you think he's ready, why don't you get him enrolled here?
I can't think of any better place for information and positive support.
And jessica, I think you're brilliant. Admiration doesn't cover it. Well done.
ugh I just got an email from my dad and looks like hes having a hard time with it. I guess it's because I haven't told him everything that's been going on with me but I don't think I can bring myself to tell him the full story yet.
heres the email my dad sent:
Hey there buddy,
I looked up what you told me. I don't buy it. That's not you. You're a boy. You like boy things. Guns, war games, destruction. All that stuff. In don't see you as a transgender. No way no how. I'm not doubting how you feel. I think I mentioned Asexuality last night. You may be questioning yourself and your sexuality. There may be underlying reasons for that, and your lack of desire. I think the first step is professional diagnosis. Call Dr. Leon and make an appointment. I can come with you if you want some support and are afraid to state things for yourself. I don't think you've diagnosed yourself correctly and that's my opinion. I believe you aren't attracted to boys or girls. I also believe there could be many reasons for this, some of which there may be no changing, some of which you may be able to. Please check out the link below. I've also found other sites on this Phenom you would likely find on your own using Google.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asexuality (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asexuality)
Anyways, have a look and see. Maybe you've found this already and discounted it? Not sure. Let me know what your thoughts are.
love Dad
and heres what i replied with
I figured you would say something like this, I need to talk to someone that specializes in this kind of thing. It's hard for me to really talk to you about it because I've been putting up an act for a long time and its starting to really mess me up. I don't feel comfortable talking about my sexuality but I'll just tell you now that you definitely got it wrong. I really just need to talk to someone that has experience with this. It will really help me in being able to talk to you about it.
so I guess now all I can do is try to find a counselor or therapist in the area to try and work out these barriers I've built up so I can talk to my dad fully about this. I really don't wanna talk to my family doctor about it until then either.
I think your father wants to help understand better. He's trying to better understand what's going with your feelings so he can take it in. It's a good sign he suggested getting help. Perhaps he'll help you find the right therapist for you. I think once you and the therapist get together and you have some professional backup, it'll help your father accept it.
I'll be honest. You're father reacted better than mine. Mine fell into a deep depression and contemplated suicide but his girlfriend helped him work out the issue. Once I was able to talk to him and answer his questions about the concerns he had, he seemed to be a bit calmer.
Keep talking to him and don't shut him out, from the short snippet you posted he seems to really care about your happiness. That's a great thing.
You're right epigania. I just felt angry and frustrated when I read my dads email. I'm glad this forum exists, you all help so much.
Hey Jessica,
That was totally a brave thing coming out to your dad like that. When I came out to each member of my family I was super nervous. In the end they said they still love me. I know that my parents are each dealing with it in their own ways. It's very hard for a parent to think - but I also think that the love of a parent is a really positive thing. It sounds like your dad loves you a lot, so even if it's hard for him to work through it just seems like he's the type of parent that will come around eventually and you guys can comfortably talk about it.
I know what has been most helpful for me was seeing a therapist about it and talking these feelings through. It makes it a lot easier then to talk to parents and family about it.
Anyway. I hope you know that we all support you here, and also that it sounds like your dad does too. It's so hard to hear this about your child, and try to understand it. So the road can be a little bumpy. Just try to be patient with him and just know in your heart he loves you and just wants to make sure you are okay and not making any mistake. My parents feel that way too, that they love me, but they also want to help me figure stuff out if they can. So far it hasn't been super bumpy, but my going to a gender therapist has really helped them not worry so much.
Anyway, I hope this is helpful for you.
Quote from: jessica on November 16, 2010, 03:47:33 PM
You're right epigania. I just felt angry and frustrated when I read my dads email. I'm glad this forum exists, you all help so much.
Jessica, try not to be too down about it... your dad's re-reaction is entirely normal in my experience. My very best friend, who's known me for 36 years (he was Best Man at my wedding) initially reacted well. He's gay, so he completely understood it wasn't a choice. Yet... when I said I'd like to spend a Saturday with him as Myself, and have him address me as Colleen, it suddenly hit him... he'd need time to mourn his old friend T__. So he went through a period of adjustment, even though he had been initially very supportive. I think that's what your dad is going through, with the added baggage that he's your DAD. Give him time. Give him information (links to websites). Then give him space. And patience. And please don't assume that will be his final word. I predict he'll come around, if you give him what I've suggested...
thanks everyone youre all such a big help.
My dad wants me to go to my family doctor first but I don't really know what to say to him, I'm thinking I should just tell him I have gender dysphoria and if he can refer me to anyone in the area for that... i dunno
Well, try talking to your family doctor and see what he says. It couldn't hurt.
Jessica, I don't think your dad's email was even close to as bad or negative as you think! I feel that he is really researching this and it shows he really cares. Since he doesn't have all the information as you do, he is coming up with some faulty conclusions. As you said, you have projected a false image your whole life in trying to be who everyone else wanted you to be.
The fact that he is trying to get you on the path to professional help is VERY encouraging!!! He is just a little off in his opinion that you need to start with a family doctor who would most likely know as much about gender dysphoria as the average person. It sountds like he is doing a crash course in TG information and he is only a day into it. It took MANY of us YEARS to admit the truth to ourselves and gather the information that we needed.
I can see where a reaction would get a little alarmed after the first discussion when the "significant other" has a chance to do some research and they start getting an idea of the hurdles that you are up against. They are going to have a lot of concerns and worries and that is a good thing because it just showes that they care about you.
So please don't be discouraged! It sounds like you are off to a really good start!
Stacy
Congratulations Jessica. That's a gigantic step to take. I hope you and your dad continue to talk. He sounds like he really wants to understand. Be patient with him.
Hugs
beth