Hi everyone. So, let me start off by saying that I am a bio female, heterosexual, and have always been LGBT friendly and supportive. I don't know if I've come to the right place, or if someone can redirect me to a better forum for some one with my issue.
Through out my life, I've met and befriended many trans men and women. For a few months, I even dated a ftm, until job relocations ended up separating us. Never in my life have I had problems with people and their gender identities, or sexual preferences. That is, until now.
I hate myself for even admitting this in a public forum. A friend of mine that I've known for about 13 years recently came out to me with his true gender identity. He said he'd been taking T for 2 months now, and asked that I change my pronouns and not call him by his birth name. I instantly broke down and started to cry. I felt... to be honest, I still don't know how I feel. Sad? Angry? Hurt?Those words don't seem right, but all I know is I'm not happy for him and I know I should be!
I can't help but feel like maybe its because this is the first time someone I know started making changes after I already identified them with a specific gender. All of my other trans friends I met after they had already made name/pronoun switches, started taking hormones, had top surgeries, etc, and I feel nothing but happy and excited for them when they talk about gaining hips, or finally growing facial hair. For some reason, I just can't seem to feel that way now.
I feel like a scum bag. I feel like I'm turning into the people I hate; the people I fought against when they ->-bleeped-<- bashed my best friend, or like the jack asses that told me I was going to burn in hell because I wasn't dating a bio boy. Every time I start to think about why I'm not okay with this I just feel sick to my stomach that, for whatever reason, I can't be happy for him.
So here I am. I have no idea who to talk to, and I just figured this would be a good start. Please know, I mean no disrespect, and if I have offended anyone i deeply do apologize. I'm just at a total loss. I love my friend, and I want to be happy for him. If you know of a better place for me to go to figure this out, I will gladly take suggestions and deactivate this account. But, if anyone had a friend or family member who you went through something similar with, and have words of wisdom, advice, or could talk me through this, it would be much appreciated. Thank you in advance, and again, I truly mean no disrespect if anything I said was taken that way.
-A
Don't beat yourself up over it. Someone you have known for a long time has just turned themselves inside out and you will need time to process it.
They are still the friend you have had for 13 years inside where it counts, and will be feeling guilt over doing something that caused you to get upset too.
Just keep in mind that in the end only the soul matters, and that hasn't changed.
A-:
First off, let me say that you are one of the few people who seem to attract trans people. Most don't interestingly enough.
I admire your compassion, truly. Additionally, may I congratulate you on your referring to your friend in their chosen pronoun. It is rare that we hear such things. Thank you.
Perhaps the word you are searching for is disillusioned. You had known this person for a while, it seems, and you had built up an expectation of how they were and what you expected from them. Perhaps at the time you were a close friend and you thought you knew them. And when they came out to you, you felt a bit betrayed.
Many times the friends and S.O.'s of trans people feel this way because the trans person is so deeply closeted that they do not give a hint as to what they truly are.
You are more than welcome here. We are a friendly lot and are very accepting of everyone. We have areas in the forum for friends and S.O.'s to discuss the changes that are occurring in their lives.
Your voice could be very helpful to them because of your experience with other trans people. In turn, perhaps they can give you guidance in understanding your feelings and coming to terms with your friend.
Also, you are not a scum bag or anything like that, in my opinion. You are questioning your feelings and are trying to sort things out for yourself. A hurtful person would have simply closed off their relation with their friend and gone on. You are taking the high road here.
Also your experience with other trans people could help your friend. They may very well be unsure of all the steps that they have to take and you could be helpful in that respect.
Also the reason this person came out to you may be because of your experience with other trans people and he is turning to you for guidance.
And, if I may ask, what is it you expect / expected from this relationship? It sounds like it was a platonic relationship. Are you fearful that it may change and you are worried that it might become romantic? What is it YOU want from the relationship? These might be things that you talk over with your friend. If you are worried that this change may burden the friendship that you have, I would suggest having an open discussion with him and identify where you have worries and what you are worried about. He in turn can talk to you about his concerns.
Thank you for coming here. I think you should stay and if possible, have your friend join us too. We don't bite (much ;) ).
-Sandy
It sounds like on some level that you are grieving for the loss of a friend. I can understand that. You are being asked to let go of something familiar and comfortable in exchange for something new. Even though you know that it is is the same person there may be part of you that is clinging to who she was and I would think that is natural. Don't beat yourself up over it.
Hi kindoflost
don't hate yourselves for your feelings.
It's quite understandeble that you have mourning feelings about it because you've lost a friend.
But your friend will still be the same person, only the body will changes according to the mind.
Please give yourselve a change to continuing the friendship, your friend needs all the support there is ride now, it's not an easy way to transition.
I'll hope you can find a way to handle it
hugs annette
Welcome KindofLost, dont feel bad about becoming emotional over this. Sometimes when we seem completely fine with certain things we can still be shocked when it happens close to us. Although I have not been in the exact situation you find yourself in, I know how you can feel bad for your initial reaction. Don't be because you care about him and instead of simply rejecting you are sorting out your feelings. If anything, this is a good and honest approach.
There is little that can be said after the wise words written bij the people before me. You just need some time to acustom yourself to your new perception of your friend. You did not lose anything, you only gained by knowing your friend a bit better.
Hi, KindofLost:
The other people here have given you such great advice. They are very smart and very compassionate people who really know what they're talking about. I really have nothing to add to what they've answered to you. These people at Susan's Place are generally some of the finest people I've ever known. Anyway, ...
Sometimes, a story similar to yours gives great insights about your own situation. This story is from a link on Laura Amato's website (Laura's Playground), and I think you might really relate to it. Here's the link to the story:
http://transgendered-personals.com/transgender-stories/a-friend-apologizes.htm (http://transgendered-personals.com/transgender-stories/a-friend-apologizes.htm)
I may be wrong, but if somebody you know and like comes out, that's bound to hurt a lot emotionally. Spouses of transsexuals face this dilemma in a big way. They are forced to change their outlook on a relationship they already like and are comfortable with.
Like Sandy said above, by no means whatsoever are you a "scumbag." Perish the thought, for you are nothing of the sort. Seems to me like you are a kind, intelligent and sensitive person who's just been unexpectedly rocked by having to change perspective with somebody you know and like. Nothing wrong with feeling like that. Time heals all. I'm sure you'll be alright.
I believe you'll adjust and be close to your friend all over again. We at Susan's Place welcome you warmly. Stop in anytime. Glad to have you.
Welcome A,
Everyone said it right. You're not a bad person, you're just most likely grieving loosing part of a friend. You sound incredibly supportive and notice something... you spoke about him in the correct pronouns already so obviously you do support him. Wanna know a secret? Even some of the most supportive parents, spouses, and so on feel like they have lost their child for that person to gain a new child of the opposite gender. I'm transgender myself and recently a friend asked whether I'd still be friends with her if she told me she really didn't think she was trans and was actually a boy. And even being trans myself I was thrown off for a minute and realized I would miss her if that was the case so don't beat yourself up. You're welcome here and you're friend if he isn't already on here should look into it if he wants to.