Life sucks, pretty much sums up my life. Almost two months since I was fired, and no light at the end of the tunnel.
Life has been so hard lately i've been entertaining thoughts I haven't had since the service. My theripist is trying to talk me into going to the hospital, and i'm not sure if I disagree. But i'm afraid once I go in, will I ever be able to leave?
I want to scream, I want to shout, I want to puch the wall untill with it gives or my hand is raw. I am so sick of the hate and the way the world works, and I really hate those who say that is just how it is. I don't want to ever think that way, to just blindly give in to the darkness. But I can't fight it, I have nothing left to fight it with.
The motto at the bottom of my posts is how I live. I want to change the world, and I would die before I would simply accept the world as it is.
Should I risk the hospital?
Yes, if you're suicidal, it's always best to get help... get intervention... call 911 if nothing else and they can offer you some options.
Maybe call your therapist too?
I don't think a voluntary admittance to the hospital will trap you there, though I hope others chime in here, as I'm not sure how it works.
If nothing else, keep posting here... pour it out... you know we're here for you as much as we CAN be, but it sounds like you need someone face-to-face too...
Worried,
Kate
Hi Ellissa,
I am so sorry for all you are going through.
Yes life does suck at times and the world feels like it is closing in against you, but hope always springs eternal.
Eight years ago, I was on the end of a rope having decided to end my life, I had lost my family and self respect, but it became the turning pont in my life. I survived that day, only God knows why, but I accepted the help that was offered and became the person I always wanted to be.
As Kate said, we are always here to talk, listen, empathize and provide a shoulder to cry on. Many people helped me through the bad times in my life, I can never repay their love and compasion as long as I live.
You won't be trapped as I am sure you have got the heart and courage to fight... I found reserves of strength and character in my transition that I never knew I had and I am sure you have them to, deep inside.
I would take the risk, my way out was not to face my fears, to be a coward and run away from what I thought was an impossible dream. No dreams are impossible if you seek help and find that last bit of courage.
Buffy
At the El Paso psychiatric center volentary admitants usualy ment atleast a minimum of 24hrs in the hospital... theyd keep you over night and watch you... if you didnt seem all that stable they could hold you for up to 72hrs for observation, weather you liked it or not.... if they found just cause to hold you past that, they would have to get a court order (not that hard here) and they could basicaly hold you indeffinatly...
Both times I went there I was held for the initial 24 hour period..... first time was bogus and the second time right after a nervous breakdown...
...I don't know what to think anymore. I'm at home with my parents and though its alittle rocky with everyone trying to avaoid the fact i'm taking my pills and I have bras in my suitcase to hide my chest, its not terrible, bearable at least.
I'm using this week of shelter to really think about what my next step in life is. I know I keep changing what I say and want to everyone and maybe that is one of the reasons that they don't beleave me. But this weeks end will have my goal in mind, I even think now that I will have a major in art with a minor in writing. In the end I can still help people if I can touch others with my words and pictures. Still plan to do that web comic after all. ;)
As for those pesky thoughts? They are there, and I think I may be making a trip after I get back. I don't know, I need to vent, and really vent more then my therapist can give me in one sesson. She tells me that I have alot of rage pent up and I need to get it out as my emotional release methods arn't keeping up.
I don't know how this will all end, I appreciate the concern. I hope that by year's end of next year my life will have settled down somewhat, and I plan at this moment to make it that far.
I'll keep in touch. Night all.
Quote from: Elissa's signatureSacrifice nothing, risk nothing, and you shall gain...nothing. ;)
What about these quotes instead? ;)
Two roads diverged in a wood, and... I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference.Robert FrostPart of the happiness of life consists not in fighting battles, but in avoiding them. A masterly retreat is in itself a victory.Norman Vincent Pealetinkerbell :icon_chick:
Well, going back tomarrow to home, my apartment at least. I decided to go in.
Hope this helps me clear my head, and very nervous about it.
Write more once i'm done. Take care all.
Well the in-patient time was a good idea, but all it cured me of would be the idealism that goverment health care might have its perks. ><
I met the therapist once, and the social worker twice, and the second time was to discharge me. There ongoing care advice? More out-patient therapy, so in the end all I did was become miserable for 3 days. Could be worse, but on a bright note I now have plenty of material for standup at one of the local queer-firendly bars. ;)
For instence, when asked what my medications were for, and after I had alredy informed her that I was TG, I swear she looked me straight in the eyes and asked:
Therapist: "You know the side affects right?"
Me: "what do you mean"
Therapist: "That they can cause breast cancer and breast growth?"
Me: "...Oh so THAT'S the problem! Here I thought they were supposed to make me bigger!" I swear without missing a beat she said.
Therapist: "You probably should talk to your doctor about that."
What was even worse was what happened the second night, I couldn't sleep at all, and was hoping to get a sleeping pill. The nurse refused and after a heated 5 minuite argument finally called the doctor on call that was in the building. I know my doctor hadn't ordered any sleeping pills but they were over the counter variety, not prescription dose.
So the doctor on call comes up and informs me that he is unable to prescribe out sleepers or narcotics. He then informed me that if I continued to break the rules and not go back to bed would have to be chemically restrained to prevent any resistence. I asked him what the chemical restraint was and he said it was a narcotic.
At this point I looked at him funny. I asked why would he give me a narcotic restraint, that would help me sleep, when he could not give out a sleeping pill. He said that was how it worked, which I then asked him if I could get the shot instead. Now things get surreal.
Doc: You have to be violent to be restrained.
Me: So you can't give me the shot unless I hit someone?
Doc: Yes
me: Well, I don't want to hurt anyone, can we just report it that I hit someone?
Doc: No, that would be unethical.
Me: ...you can't give out a sleeping pill or narcotic, and you are sitting here saying the only way for me to get sleep tonight is for me to physicaly hit someone, and we are arguing over ethics? :o
Doc: Sorry, but that is the rules.
Me: So, the ONLY way for me to get this shot, this NARCOTIC shot, is for me to physically injure a nearby person? ???
Doc: Yes
Please belieave me when I say that this was the most tempting therapy i've ever been offered. I mean the man was completly oblivious to the impending violence, or at least he acted like it. However as I wished to leave as soon as possible I restrained myself and simply did not get any sleep that night. :angel:
The staff also had frequent fights with me on what name to go by. I finally spelled it out to them that I would sign whatever official form they had with my legal name, as long as they would refer to me in speech by MY name. Which is an sexless name, not like my handle. :)
In the end, I survived, and am making an official report with my therapist in complaint of my treatment at the facility. We all thought it was a good idea for me to go in, but in the end... *shrugs*
Oh, and now it comes to me having to choose between halting my transition for four years and getting my degree in wyoming where i've been accepted into their teaching program, or trying to get accepted at a college here in chicago for the same. *shrugs* I'll figure it out as I go, I feel kinda free at the moment, kinda like I felt at the end of my discharge. But this time I know what general direction i'm sailing in.
Thanks to everyone for their concerns and well wishes. ^^
Eesh. *HUG* Hang in there kiddo, and keep your wits handy...
Totally bizzare! Indeed, you'll have material to share for years to come... and a bill to go with it, I'm sure. But you lived through it. Yes, you lived through it. This comedy we call life is a trip ain't it? You need to make sure that you stick around to see how it all turns out.
I wish you the best.
Cindi
Oh Wow Elissa! I don't know if I should laugh or cry.
What a crock. Yes do making an official report with my therapist; what they did is just not right.
Does sound like your feeling a little better tonight though and thats good.
Hang in there girl.
I am rooting for you Elissa and know you can make it. It's that woman's intuition thing.
Hugs,
:)
Jillieann