Well.......it's been three weeks since I totally came out as trans to my girlfriend (she knew about my crossdressing 3 years ago); things seemed to be going ok for the most part other than the fact she no longer wanted me to really touch her or kiss me, but over the last few days things have really come to a head.
She's gotten to the point of where she never really spends any time with me, is always going out with friends and won't come to bed until long after I'm asleep. I've been feeling really rejected as a person and broke down this evening while we were out a dinner. We talked about a lot of things; how she's resentful of the period of depression I went thru over the past few years, how she doesn't know if she can handle my transition, how she feels like she could deal with it better if it were over in an instant (you and me both!). I just got a list of Endos from my therapist and my hormone letter (yay!) and that topic was touched upon, she's not sure she can handle the changes, but she's mostly just afraid of the unknown.
Anyway, we've been living together for 3 1/2 years, but after this weekend I have to move out.
<sigh>
I dunno, after tonight I feel like she understands who I am and where I'm at more than ever before, that said, she still feels like we need to make this change; we'll still be "together" I suppose, but in more of a dating capacity.... something I'm not sure I'm going to be able to handle, I've never been so good at playing the dashing prince role.....
While this throws a pretty big monkey wrench into everything and is something I was absolutely dreading and had hoped it would not come to, I actually feel relieved in some weird way. I don't even know why or how to explain it.... maybe like I feel like I have permission to be me? I dunno.... can't really grasp it yet.
The next few days will be spent going thru and packing my stuff, which sucks because most of what is here is "ours" and will stay with her; it's hard to dismantle 4 years of your life with someone else. Bye-bye $1400 memory foam matress, catch ya later 32 inch flat screen..... thankfully she's letting me take the computer. The rest of the stuff that is actually mine, is lame guy stuff that I don't really want anyhow with the exception of my guitars.... I'll get a pretty fresh start, if I want it or not.
So...... it looks like when I start HRT it'll really feel like I'm going thru puberty again because I'll be living in a small bedroom at my mothers 2 bedroom home. Did I mention my mom hasn't fully accepted the transition thing yet? I feel like I'm totally going to have some 13 year old girl "I hate you!" <door slam> moments. Wait a minute.... this could be fun. ;)
~Sara (trying to keep her head up)
Give her some time. You never know, maybe she'll realize you're still you just like you've always been and decide "you" are still awesome.
And if not, then "you" aren't the person they wanted anyway and would you really wanna be with someone who didn't really want to be with "you" anyway?
Sara, I know all to well the lose you will and are feeling. I lose a $2000 Select comfort bed ( she kept it ), A 45" Big screen and a beautiful home. I now live in a 30" travel trailer.
But I am me finally. It is hard at first, but my ex and I still talk from time to time. Oh and we were together for 20 years.
It will and does get better.
One Big Sister Hug to help you make it through.
I'm in the middle of splitting up with my wife of 15 years. I am losing my beautiful 4100 sq. ft. suburban home in an amazing master planned community, most of the possessions we came to own together like our great Ethan Allen furniture and my 100" projector and surround sound in my home theater. I know possessions shouldn't mean that much, but it totally sucks. Sure, I will be walking away with money, but I often feel like I am being payed off to get lost. That isn't literally true because we are still friends and we have a son and I am not being asked not to have contact, but it feels an awful lot like I am not welcome anymore in the house and home we built together. Going back to living in a small apartment or even at my mom's house feels like a huge step back. Right now, it is hard to see it as being allowed to be myself because I am not full time. It doesn't feel fair. I have faith it will get better, but it will take a long time to reclaim what I lost. If it ever happens.
This is why I broke up with my ex and stopped dating quite some time before I transitioned.
Good luck; maybe look at this as an opportunity to find someone who DOES accept your transition :)
br00tal.
I fear the same will happen with my lady and I as well. You know, seeing as we're both ladies. ->-bleeped-<-.
What I'll miss is skiing with her. Taking turns on a pow day and skiing up to my love and smootching. I think I'm going to cry.
Lowering her after she sends some ->-bleeped-<-ing 12a sport route and giving her the biggest hug in the world.
Curling up beside her to watch planet earth or some other assorted nerdiness.
I'm not going to miss any of the stuff, I'm going to miss the lady I love.
that is really quite sad ... give her some time she may come around...
one things is for sure ... things will get better... so dont give up hope!
cheers to the journey ahead! and best of luck!
::hugs::
Hi Anthro
I don't know about your girlfriend, what is she thinking or feeling about the situation.
you are feeling a woman for a long time, she tought you where a man, very confusing for the both of you.
sometimes it will be better in time when people did have the time to think about it and come together again but there are several examples that the one in transition have to build on a whole new life, like I've said before, transition is not an easy way buth for most of us the only way.
But, you will get something else in return, the ultimate freedom to be who you are, your own identity in the gender you are.
you don't have to play a role of a man anymore and maybe she'll come back, you never know what future has in mind.
go for it honey, it your life , make the best of it
hugs
annette
Whatever you do be strong in it but be open to change or traveling down unknown roads just as strong as you are in what you are doing now. You never know where you will be in a dozen or more years. ;) But know you will survive and learn much along the way, whichever way you go :-*
I was showed the door twice by different women when I tried living the male but couldn't do it properly.
It hurts all ways but it kickstarts the new life.
Thanks for the kind thoughts everyone, I could certainly use them right now.
We never talked any more about things last night, she stayed up partying with one of her friends and I went to bed. It was tough waking up this morning knowing this will be the second to last time I will wake up in this place and wake up beside her. :( I really love this woman and it's going to be so hard not to come home to her every night and wake up together. I'm also going to miss our dog more than I can even imagine, we are so close; when I'm alone he's always with me, I talk to him, sing to him, he wakes me up tugging on my blanket wanting under with me.... just even considering that not being a daily occurrence just kills me inside.
As far as the "stuff" goes, I was kinda kidding, I won't really "miss" any of it per se, but the sudden realization that all you can show for the past 27 years will fit in the trunk of your car (and I have a very small car) is a real downer.
It's just a very challenging time right now and I'm not sure how I'm gonna make it thru. I'll do my best, guess that's all I can do.
This is my pup sleeping with me, I'm going to miss him so much...
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi879.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fab352%2Fsometimesara%2Fblog%2F004.jpg&hash=e12ea75964646c6eda55e043c93f8adcb1505b9d)
~Sara
Oh Sara,
I know your pain, really, as I have been there. When something leaves our lives it makes room for something else. Never be sorry for your decision because there was no assurance that this wasn't going to happen even if you never came out as trans. Be thankful that it happens now while you are young. I don't think I had much more than a trunk full of stuff at your age either. I know it hurts now but you have a sea of opportunity in front of you. Stand proud at the bow of your ship as you head for destinations unknown!
Hugs,
Rylee
That was the hardest for me. Leaving my beloved Polarbear. She kept him. But I do have my cats. Maybe you could get visitation.
Can I ask everyone here who lost or gave up so much to their girlfriend's or wives..... Why did you do this? Guilt?
Why didn't you either equitably split everything up or sell it for a lesser value? Why are they walking away with so much of your joint possessions or the ones that you own outright?
Why didn't they leave the home, instead of you? They have the problem with us, and they should be the ones to walk out. Anyone agree?
Quote from: juliekins on November 28, 2010, 02:03:49 PM
Can I ask everyone here who lost or gave up so much to their girlfriend's or wives..... Why did you do this? Guilt?
Why didn't you either equitably split everything up or sell it for a lesser value? Why are they walking away with so much of your joint possessions or the ones that you own outright?
Why didn't they leave the home, instead of you? They have the problem with us, and they should be the ones to walk out. Anyone agree?
It was about totally starting over so i had to go and flush the past
Quote from: juliekins on November 28, 2010, 02:03:49 PM
Can I ask everyone here who lost or gave up so much to their girlfriend's or wives..... Why did you do this? Guilt?
Why didn't you either equitably split everything up or sell it for a lesser value? Why are they walking away with so much of your joint possessions or the ones that you own outright?
Why didn't they leave the home, instead of you? They have the problem with us, and they should be the ones to walk out. Anyone agree?
Money wise, we are splitting down the middle. That does come out to quite a bit if money, but i have a transition to pay for. If she ever sells the house, I get half our original down payment back, but the house was in her name and she is the primary breadwinner. Plus I have a son who I wouldn't want to have leave his home. So she keeps the house and stuff. I will be taking stuff like some furniture, TV, computer etc. So it is not quite as lopsided as it seems. Leaving our home and neighborhood is very tough though.
Quote from: juliekins on November 28, 2010, 02:03:49 PM
Why didn't they leave the home, instead of you? They have the problem with us, and they should be the ones to walk out. Anyone agree?
I confess, I've wondered about this as well. But have never raised it as it's a matter upon which I have no direct experience.
Quote from: juliekins on November 28, 2010, 02:03:49 PM
Why didn't they leave the home, instead of you? They have the problem with us, and they should be the ones to walk out. Anyone agree?
For me, it was the cheaper of two options. Agree to her terms, or hire a lawyer and fight for my way.
We would have still sold the house, but I would have been in a bad place. At least this way, we parted friends.
Quote from: Melody on November 28, 2010, 06:24:57 PM
Money wise, we are splitting down the middle. That does come out to quite a bit if money, but i have a transition to pay for. If she ever sells the house, I get half our original down payment back, but the house was in her name and she is the primary breadwinner. Plus I have a son who I wouldn't want to have leave his home. So she keeps the house and stuff. I will be taking stuff like some furniture, TV, computer etc. So it is not quite as lopsided as it seems. Leaving our home and neighborhood is very tough though.
Isn't it typical for a person to refinance, do a quit claim deed and pay off their departing partner? Again, having lost so much myself, and having seen others go through the same thing, I'm challenging others in our TG community to take a stand for themselves. We all tend to be so quick to relinquish our home, possessions and time with our kids to the mom. Too often, I've seen them play the victim card to our family and friends. Meanwhile, they have round the clock access to our kids when some of them demean us and poison the waters for our relationships with our kids.
If I sound bitter, it's because I fell victim to my own guilt and insecurities. I've also seen it play out in many TS and TG friends of mine. We need to stand up tall and proud, and not give away our rights, place and possessions to someone who will do nothing but belittle us behind our back.
I can't speak to your situation specifically, Melody, but I'm in your corner. I know this is a tough time to everyone on here, that's why I'm choosing to speak out on this subject.
There are people who will take advantage of you if you let them. Know the laws regarding property and divorce and don't settle for less than what you should get. I never understood why anyone would just walk away from a lifetime (or years) of building an estate just because they are TG. I gave my ex a few things because I made more than her but in the end it was pretty much an even split. Considering I made about four times what she did over the years I'd say a 50/50 split was a pretty good deal for her. She knew if she went for the jugular I would have fought her tooth and nail and the attorneys would have owned our estate. Instead we settled on 50/50 and used the same attorney to do the basic legal work.
And we're still friends.
But if she got greedy and wanted more than half, I couldn't have cared less about remaining friends. Who wants to be friends with someone who tries to take you for everything?
Quote from: Julie Marie on November 28, 2010, 10:09:29 PM
There are people who will take advantage of you if you let them. Know the laws regarding property and divorce and don't settle for less than what you should get. I never understood why anyone would just walk away from a lifetime (or years) of building an estate just because they are TG. I gave my ex a few things because I made more than her but in the end it was pretty much an even split. Considering I made about four times what she did over the years I'd say a 50/50 split was a pretty good deal for her. She knew if she went for the jugular I would have fought her tooth and nail and the attorneys would have owned our estate. Instead we settled on 50/50 and used the same attorney to do the basic legal work.
And we're still friends.
But if she got greedy and wanted more than half, I couldn't have cared less about remaining friends. Who wants to be friends with someone who tries to take you for everything?
This is basically my situation and the way we are handling it with one lawyer, but the difference is I am your wife in the situation. My wife makes much more money than me and has for years. She financed our house on her salary alone since we moved to her hometown so she could be close to her mother and I quit my job so she could do it. What hurts is that I had a nice job making pretty good money in a flexible university situation (where transitioning would have been no problem) and my own health insurance before we moved. Now, no job or health insurance. I will have to get something soon or have her extend my health insurance via court order. The house has less equity now than when we bought it and instead of walking away with about 17k now and leaving money on the table, I am gambling that eventually housing market prices will recover so that when does get around to selling the house I can recoup my full initial investment.
The sticking point is that too much of the money she is leaving me is in 401(k) investments. I know you can use some of that money with a 10% hit for unreimbursed medical costs, but I haven't been shown that includes GRS or things like electrolysis. We have a good size amount of stock, but she is being resistant to splitting that 50/50 for fear of my son's college fund being dented (we want to use some of that for his education). He is 8 and 11 years away from his freshman year, so I am insisting on more liquid assets I can use right now.
Okay, first of all, there's an unwritten rule in many states that takes into consideration the sacrifices one spouse made for the other when dividing assets. Typically it is something like, the wife supported the couple while the husband went to law school, after the husband got his degree and started making money the wife could stay home and raise a family. This usually leads to a 50/50 split in the courts even though the wife contributed little in cash assets to the estate. The division of assets has to be agreeable to both parties. In other words, don't sign anything that will leave you up a creek.
If your house has equity in it you could either force the sale or make her pay you half the equity. You need liquid assets to support yourself until you get back on your feet. Another option is maintenance. Just because you were the husband doesn't exclude you from getting maintenance. Typically maintenance is paid for a fixed number of years and it is intended to help the lower wage earner while they re-establish themselves in the working world. You said you gave up a good job so your wife could further her career? Well, that has value.
Whatever you do, don't take what she offers if it is going to leave you screwed. This is a division of assets built up during the marriage and that means more than simply cash value. She has to meet you half way. How would she respond if you decided how everything was going to be split so that you got all you wanted? Fair is fair.
She made the decision to be the breadwinner. Now she will have to do what all breadwinners do, settle up fair and square. Don't let gender roles confuse you into believing otherwise.
Their isn't as much equity in the house as I would like, so I am hoping for an uptick here over time. I would mot force her to sell so thst my son will have the home he has been used to living in. I left my job so she could be close to family. Don't know if that makes a difference. Finally, we have looked into maintenance. I will not sign anything if I feel I am being screwed.
Nothing much has changed with my situation since I started this thread, tonight is my last night here. I started packing stuff last night and am as ready as I can be to go over to my mothers house after work tomorrow evening. I spoke to her yesterday, she is far from happy to have me at her place, but it's my only option at this point. It's not like I've asked much from her in my 27 years, I've been working since 16 and living on my own since 17, none of that matters now I suppose. ::) It's been a depressing few days, that's for sure.
As for what someone brought up about why I'm moving out; we moved out of our own place back in the summer and now rent the lower half of her parents house. Her father lost his job so our rent money is helping her parents out and we've been paying a lot less than we were in our own place and finally getting our debts paid off, so it's been a win-win situation. Now that all of this has come about, she certainly isn't going anywhere, so that leaves me to hit the road. As far as the possessions go, I sort of feel like I owe it to her to let her have it; I was layed off from work for almost a year and she was the only income.
It's just a bad situation, I'm going to feel very lost for a while.
~Sara
I walked away from my family home with just a couple car loads of gear, and that was mainly books. It was hard saying good bye to everything, a lot of my tools stayed, particulalry gardening equipment.
Mostly I did it for my wife and the kids. The kids needed some stability, so that their home with Frances changed as little as possible, so that they always had that to go back to after staying with me.
Also I felt like it was a new start. Out with the old, construct the life I want. It was nice buying a big new bed to sleep in, new sheets, new table and chairs etc.. (put it all on finance eek), I felt like they were entirely my own, the way I wanted it. Of course financially I am worse off now. But I was lucky, my dad sold me a house for very cheap and I could use the mortgage to fund my surgery. It is still a struggle moneywise, but then it always has been.
Sara,
Hugs :icon_hug: :icon_hug: :icon_hug: :icon_hug: :icon_hug: :icon_hug:
Hang in there girl as other have said it will get better in time.
Jillieann
Hi all
I think it was some kind of guiltfeeling when I divorced because I was the one who was going to change and not my ex.
She would not wanted to live with a woman
I leave the house to my ex because I di'n't wanted my son to leave his confidential neighborhood where he had all his friends, school.
I've payed for some time the mortgage till I was unemployed and I just had a small benefit from social securities.
When she met another guy, who was fortunally a very nice guy, they sell the house and used the profit to pay university for my son.
Now he is a grown up with a good education and a good job.
For me there where years in pourness but when I look back I don't regret, cos I did something very right for my kid and we have a wonderfull relationship.
hugs
annette
Day two of being at my mothers place. She's always in bed really early, leaving me alone with my thoughts. Lots of things to talk about and no one to talk to; the only person who knows about all of this stuff besides my therapist and my mom is my girlfriend, as she doesn't want to talk to me right now.... lots of pushing away from her. I honestly didn't expect things to change this much between us, she's always been somewhat supportive, but that all seems to have changed now.
I'm having a pretty rough go of it so far, feeling very lonely. :(
~Sara
Miss_Anthropic, you might want to drop by chat. A lots of people drop by.
The chat is quite good, even if you don't say much.
I sometimes go in there to follow the banter of others when I'm feeling really alone and isolated.
They are always really welcoming and accepting in there.
I can understand feeling relieved among the sadness and worry.
it's one HUGE obstacle to get over.....realizing when someone will never change or accept you. Some will over time but it's a long grueling process....props to those that can do that and props to those spouses that do change their minds over time.
I was one of those who did not see that happening with my ex-wife and now we are both happier apart...we still talk sometimes ...she has a bf she will probably marry next year and I'm happy for her
Miss_Anthropic, Sorry to hear that things are not going well at the moment. I hope they are looking up soon. Thank you for sharing.
Your Avatar is beautiful by the way.(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi227.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fdd209%2Fjackiejeannie%2Fgif.gif&hash=36bb0ffd27711a8657ec005109b14e99207ede55)
Juliekins & Julie Marie, you have offered kind and sound advice. I was happy to read your posts. It is really unfair that transgendered people should have to give up so much to be who they are inside. Good for you for sticking up for yourselves and everyone here.
Many Hugs!
Mrs Erocse
Quote from: Jerica on December 02, 2010, 12:49:58 PM
I can understand feeling relieved among the sadness and worry.
it's one HUGE obstacle to get over.....realizing when someone will never change or accept you. Some will over time but it's a long grueling process....props to those that can do that and props to those spouses that do change their minds over time.
I was one of those who did not see that happening with my ex-wife and now we are both happier apart...we still talk sometimes ...she has a bf she will probably marry next year and I'm happy for her
I can't say she will never change and accept me, but I do worry about losing her a lot. I stopped by her place tonight and we got dinner and hung out for a few hours and thing were great. I called her when I got home because I had forgot something and she wasn't so happy to hear from me, it's a confusing situation. She says she wants to be together but says she wants her space, I can understand, but it seems like we bounce from one extreme to another virtually instantly.
We're also both growing a lot as people, so I suppose we're both relearing who each other is; I know this situation is likely for the best, that's what the rational part of my mind keeps telling me anyway, but at the same time I love her so much and it's had for me to handle that love not being reciprocated to the same degree it used to be. I almost feel like I'm being punished for being myself sometimes, she says that's not the case but I think it factors in for sure.
Quote from: Mrs Erocse on December 02, 2010, 09:49:16 PM
Miss_Anthropic, Sorry to hear that things are not going well at the moment. I hope they are looking up soon. Thank you for sharing.
Your Avatar is beautiful by the way.
Juliekins & Julie Marie, you have offered kind and sound advice. I was happy to read your posts. It is really unfair that transgendered people should have to give up so much to be who they are inside. Good for you for sticking up for yourselves and everyone here.
Many Hugs!
Mrs Erocse
Thanks for the kind thoughts. Things are looking up, I finally think I've found an endo to work with, calling tomorrow for an appt. so HRT should begin soon, yay! It's starting to feel like all the sacrifice is begining to be worth it.
Thanks for the comment on the avatar. It used to be my favorite pic of me, but not so much lately; hating my chin and tall forehead more and more :icon_neutral:
Hi Anthro
So, hrt can start soon.
you'll will be even more beautifull than you are allready.
Sure, when somebody you love, turns her back to you it's painfull but in a few months you're the happiest person there is.
you're a bit sad now I can understand, but it's a phase, believe me, you'll meet other people who'll love you the way you are...a beautifull nice woman.
come on girl
go for it
you will have a lot of support around here.
love
annette