Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I just got off the phone with a family member who admitted she got me a bunch of girly stuff for Christmas.  *exasperation*  She knows I want to transition and that I've only been wearing men's clothes the last few months.  She KNOWS and she still keeps doing stuff like this.  Back in the summer she sent me some really girly jewelry.  She's signed me up for women's clothing catalogs.  I don't want to be rude but what do you do when people continue giving you girl stuff?  I mean, I don't want to be a Scrooge or ungrateful or anything but it's aggravating. 

One word: regifting.

Make sure you get receipts from her so you can do exchanges. That'll send a message. :P

Quote from: tekla on November 30, 2010, 09:41:58 PM
One word: regifting.

Agreed.

Oh god....i absolutly hate that  >:( My grandma does this repeatedly year after year....bath salts, mariah carey perfume, some crappy flower smelling lotion, and pink silk pajamas. Its humiliating  :P oh well....I'm going to agree with Tekla. Regifting.

Quote from: Osiris on November 30, 2010, 10:00:09 PM
Make sure you get receipts from her so you can do exchanges. That'll send a message. :P

This is a good idea...

Regift them back to her next year....  :P

I feel you on this one

I would imagine that many gals (many right here at Susan's) would love to get girly gifts...

It must be frustrating... You most likely would like gifts that have you in mind... Something that actually took some thought and consideration as to who you are

I deal with this sort of thing from the other side of the fence

Maybe the guys and gals here at Susan's can have a "Gift Exchange" after the holidays and trade unwanted gifts with each other  :)

Quote from: Mrs Erocse on November 30, 2010, 10:26:37 PM
This is a good idea...

Regift them back to her next year....  :P

Oh come on, you're not being creative enough. Think about it, some MtF, somewhere, is getting a bunch of manly stuff she doesn't want.

All you have to do is hook up...and exchange the gifts.

My whole family knows not to get me anything girly. I havent gotten anything like that for years. I never even wore girl clothes minus one horrible year in h.s. when i tried to conform, so my family knows what i would like. If i were you i would just tell everyone you wanted gift cards or money. If that doesnt work... then im with the others, regift or return. I hope you get what you want though, because that is the whole point of a gift :-\

Quote from: Astarielle on November 30, 2010, 11:22:38 PM
Oh come on, you're not being creative enough. Think about it, some MtF, somewhere, is getting a bunch of manly stuff she doesn't want.

All you have to do is hook up...and exchange the gifts.

I love that idea. 

Quote from: Astarielle on November 30, 2010, 11:22:38 PM
Oh come on, you're not being creative enough. Think about it, some MtF, somewhere, is getting a bunch of manly stuff she doesn't want.

All you have to do is hook up...and exchange the gifts.

I like that idea also... Maybe that's why I mentioned it in the post just above yours  :laugh:

Quote from: Virginia Marie on November 30, 2010, 10:49:42 PM
Maybe the guys and gals here at Susan's can have a "Gift Exchange" after the holidays and trade unwanted gifts with each other  :)

That is brilliant! I can only imagine how many "inappropriate" gifts a lot of us here are subjected to at the holiday season :)

For me, I have an aunt back east that always sends something just 180 degrees different from anything I would like, use, wear, or even want to be in the same room with. Last year she sent these cherub angel figurines  ???

Usually I just store the stuff until there's enough of it that I can donate to Goodwill or something.

I have relatives that send me a fancy pair of ear rings for each holiday.  It's true that I used to have my ears pierced, but I haven't worn earrings in about 10 years so the holes have closed up.  It's too bad because these people seem to really put some thought into picking out nice earrings to send me.  I should give them to an MTF.

It obviously depends on people. Every single person (except mom and dad) in my family thinks I'm a heterosexual woman, but still the last girly present I got was when I was 8. I wanted a game boy and got a baby cradle - it made me so depressed they never gave me anything girly in my life :D
So maybe try to train your facial expression to become reeeeally sad when you open the present ;)

That's the answer to getting rid of unwanted gifts.

But, in terms of gifts themselves, I don't really see the point, outside of giving a gift to your partner on their birthday. Gift giving and receiving = major bloody headache, Christmas after Christmas, birthday after birthday. And it's not just trans people that get the wrong gift, after two decades of Christmases I remember, 8 times out of 10 the receiver isn't happy with the gift they receive. It just comes across to me as a terrible waste of money, especially at a time when the economy is is the dumps and people can't afford swat anyway.

A gift exchange is obviously the answer to after you have already gotten bad gifts. But if you don't want to get the gifts at all just ask them why in the world they would get you girly gifts and why they would think it is ok, or say to them to make sure they package up the receipts with the present.

Quote from: niamh on December 01, 2010, 08:49:33 AM
That's the answer to getting rid of unwanted gifts.

But, in terms of gifts themselves, I don't really see the point, outside of giving a gift to your partner on their birthday. Gift giving and receiving = major bloody headache, Christmas after Christmas, birthday after birthday. And it's not just trans people that get the wrong gift, after two decades of Christmases I remember, 8 times out of 10 the receiver isn't happy with the gift they receive. It just comes across to me as a terrible waste of money, especially at a time when the economy is is the dumps and people can't afford swat anyway.

Oh wow I have never met anyone who shares my view of gift giving :D It's always baffled me how some people insist on buying gifts just for the sake of buying gifts. If I see something I believe a certain person will truly enjoy and appreciate, sure, I'll buy them a gift. But I've never understood why people get so stressy and get themselves in to debt at christmas usually for the sake of buying everyone they know a gift they won't particularly like. I'd rather somebody just saved their money than buy me a lame gift.

Quote from: tekla on November 30, 2010, 09:41:58 PM
One word: regifting.

Your wisdom Tekla knows no bounds, 1 word, fantastic reply.
p

Really, what was the other polite and socially acceptable option?^*  You can think about saying something to the effect of just ask them why in the world they would get you girly gifts and why they would think it is ok, or say to them to make sure they package up the receipts with the present, in the same way I think about my response to someone saying that to me would be a 2x4, but you can't really go there.  Or, if you did I guess I'd just look all sorts of some fake astonished and taking the gift from you say: "Oh geez, I labeled that wrong, that's for X, I didn't get you anything.  What was I thinking?" as I slowly turned away and went to find someone, anyone else, to talk to.

* - I checked the three major etiquette guides, Vanderbilt, Miss Manners, and Emily Post and they all are in very strict agreement that "Thank You" is the only acceptable response to any and all gifts.

Ok, so who is going to start the 'Gift Exchange' thread after christmas, thats what I want to know...

gah I can't tell you how many fem gifts I've gotten.. that I've been made to model for the family.. then never use again. And they know I'll never use them but buy them anyways. Jewlery, comb sets, clothing, hair dryers, etc. etc. etc.

I'v only had 1 friend do what your friend does,but  for the rest I largly avoid gift stuff, unless its food. Although I still know a person who sends me girly jewels, I just give them to my mother.


Imo the re gifting via this forum sounds like a great plan.

Quote from: Jeatyn on December 01, 2010, 09:23:08 AM
Oh wow I have never met anyone who shares my view of gift giving :D It's always baffled me how some people insist on buying gifts just for the sake of buying gifts. If I see something I believe a certain person will truly enjoy and appreciate, sure, I'll buy them a gift. But I've never understood why people get so stressy and get themselves in to debt at christmas usually for the sake of buying everyone they know a gift they won't particularly like. I'd rather somebody just saved their money than buy me a lame gift.

Couldn't have said it better myself. 
The one that stands out in my mind was two birthdays ago when my mother wanted to know what I would like, and I asked for a microscope and got a gift certificate for Sephora.  This year I got frilly underwear.... The presents are getting worse as I get less feminine.
I'm all for a Susan's after-holiday gift exchange, btw.

Quote from: Virginia Marie on November 30, 2010, 10:49:42 PMMaybe the guys and gals here at Susan's can have a "Gift Exchange" after the holidays and trade unwanted gifts with each other  :)

Great idea!  =D

I just return them, even without the receipts most places will exchange them.  Estee Lauder perfume? take it to Macy's/Target/Dillards and throw it at them =D  When no one sees you wearing the item ever, they'll get the hint, or you'll be regifting.  In big families especially, this happens all the time, even for non-trans types.

If you can, just request gift cards next time, or maybe something gender-neutral like a book.

Quote from: Lee on December 01, 2010, 11:16:11 PMThe presents are getting worse as I get less feminine.

I always figured people were trying to make some stupid "point" with these kinds of gifts.  The year I transitioned, I got panties.  Really!  Like cheapo Hanes white cotton malarkey.  Got them twice more for my Birthday - ugggggghhhhhhh.

You gotta wonder what they expected.  "Now I have the tools to be a real lady! I never knew it would be possible! These panties have shown me a whole new world!" ::)  (too much?)

Quote from: Griffin on December 02, 2010, 03:51:31 AM
I always figured people were trying to make some stupid "point" with these kinds of gifts.  The year I transitioned, I got panties.  Really!  Like cheapo Hanes white cotton malarkey.  Got them twice more for my Birthday - ugggggghhhhhhh.

You gotta wonder what they expected.  "Now I have the tools to be a real lady! I never knew it would be possible! These panties have shown me a whole new world!" ::)  (too much?)

eegh

... I'd make a comment like 'ho, no I'm not going to rob a bank but I'll save that idea for later !'
and I'd get them back the firstcomming gift related holiday.

what? Yes I'm evil  ;D

Quote from: Griffin on December 02, 2010, 03:51:31 AM
I always figured people were trying to make some stupid "point" with these kinds of gifts.  The year I transitioned, I got panties.  Really!  Like cheapo Hanes white cotton malarkey.  Got them twice more for my Birthday - ugggggghhhhhhh.

You gotta wonder what they expected.  "Now I have the tools to be a real lady! I never knew it would be possible! These panties have shown me a whole new world!" ::)  (too much?)

Don't you know?  We're "projects" for them, not people, regardless of what stage in transition someone might be, we just need some help, and then we'll be "real women" - never occurs to them that they might not be the first person that's ever tried, and failed.  Not being "out" as anything to anyone, I get read as "socially inept woman in need of some major fixing" quite a lot...but I've finally come to the conclusion that I Just Can't Be Fixed That Way, sorry girls.  I'm not what you think I am.  So please stop giving me makeup sets and flowery perfume and whatnot, really, bookstore gift cards are *awesome*, not impersonal...movie gift certificates are impersonal, because that shows you don't know me at all.

I regift like a fiend.  I actually have a particular drawer with stuff solely for regifting purposes - and there's enough in there I think I'm going to have to put post-its on the stuff so I know who it came from and don't make the mistake of giving it back to the wrong person.

Family-wise, I'm sneaky when I'm buying stuff.  My dad's hard to buy for in that he never wants anything anyways that he doesn't absolutely *need*, and if he wants more socks, he won't wait for Christmas to send me out to buy more for him.  Given that I'm far closer in size to my dad than my mom, I've been buying stuff for years that I know he won't want because he doesn't need it, but you've got to have something under the tree for him.  Silk boxers with interesting or funny prints on them?  Oh, you won't wear those?  They're great pyjama bottoms.  Flannel shirt just a little too small?  Don't bother returning it, should fit me.  Hey, why did you get me *chocolate*???  Anything I've ordered online and ends up being a little too big for me will probably also fit him, too.  And he never tends to get me girly stuff anyways, being a guy and having no real clue how to shop for it in the first place...

Beats giving stuff to my mom, as she's generally already seen most of what's in the regifting pile anyways, returns everything for some reason or other, and buys everything she wants herself before you can get around to it anyways.  And she buys me clothes I'll never wear, which aren't the greatest regifting fodder.  :-(

I am so up for the after Christmas gift swap.

Tekla..... I keep seeing your tag line that says, "Happiness consists of living a great strange dream"

I think that is so true  :D (Sorry I got off the subject at hand)

Hugs
Mrs Erocse

I am grateful for the fact my parents gave up christmas presents for me when i was 10 or so. I get money now, or an electronic if it's a year i need one.


..except it's my brothers who pick out the horrendusly girly items instead :P
(i got gloves and a manicure set last year. Wtf?)

I'm sorry for the guys and gals getting the wrong gendered gifts. I remember being six years old and getting a power rangers super soaker for Easter. Best friggin gift ever! I don't think I've ever had that issue because my family handled my tomboy-ishness well. Though my grandma until I was twelve got me these awful frilly flannel PJ's every year.

Quote from: Michael Alexander on December 02, 2010, 07:39:34 PMThough my grandma until I was twelve got me these awful frilly flannel PJ's every year.

were they warm/nonitchy at least?

/only stopped wearing girly pjs when they stoppped fitting
and still wears girl tanks as sleep shirts

They were itchy, I dunno about warm. I never actually wore them. I didn't wear girls clothes as soon as I was old enough to choose my own at like 4 or 5 so the thought of wearing them disgusted me

Quote from: Michael Alexander on December 02, 2010, 07:39:34 PM
I'm sorry for the guys and gals getting the wrong gendered gifts. I remember being six years old and getting a power rangers super soaker for Easter. Best friggin gift ever!

Best Christmas gift I ever got was a bike.  Best birthday gift was a pair of binoculars.  I had the binoculars for almost 20 years.

Quote from: Griffin on December 02, 2010, 03:47:02 AM
If you can, just request gift cards next time, or maybe something gender-neutral like a book.

I use the Wish List feature on Amazon, and I tell my immediate family about it.  (If I mentioned it to extended family it would come across like I was rudely trying to tell them what to give me.)  It has worked well.  They don't buy me anything that's on the Wish List, nor do I expect them to, but it gives them an accurate idea of what my current interests are.

You know who gets exactly the kind of present they wanted?  People who go out and buy it for themselves. 

Most people - trans or not - get crappy gifts, most of the time.  And that is the good news, at least the crappy gifts make up a little bit for the truly horrible ones.

I donate all my unwanted, girly presents. Goodwill, Salvation Army, whatever appears first when there's a box of stuff in the back seat. Mostly my female presents are hair supplies from people who remember me having long hair, kitchy jewellery boxes, bracelets, and assorted clothes. I get fancier jewellery too, but I just put that in a drawer and consider it a collection of shininess. Not a bad thing. Normally, though, people who actually know me get me books, gadgetry, and art supplies. The only person who tried to force femininity onto me was my grandmother... and I think she's gotten the point by now.

I also donate. Regifting bothers me and I'd much rather make someone elses year. I do the sane thing with old books, clothes and toys. I haven't gotten unwanted gifts in ages though, my family is really good with me because I don't ask for anything and my cousins do nothing but ask for overpriced luxury items. I'm 20 and I still get gifts from family that said they were stopping once each child turned 18 because I'm so easy going.

Unless someone was beog purposefully vindictive with the gifts, I wouldn't be bothered

Quote from: tekla on December 01, 2010, 09:47:03 AM
* - I checked the three major etiquette guides, Vanderbilt, Miss Manners, and Emily Post and they all are in very strict agreement that "Thank You" is the only acceptable response to any and all gifts.

I'll be sure to send an electric razor to Miss Manners, in gratitude for her great gift wisdom.

The nice thing about not being in touch with family is that I don't have to get all awkward about not wanting to celebrate birthdays and Christmas. If I need something and can afford it, I'll buy it. If I have something I don't want but you could use, I'll give it to you. That's about it.

Institutionalized gift-giving is a nice idea in theory but often a crappy one in practice.

Quote from: Kohdi Daniel on November 30, 2010, 10:19:12 PM
Oh god....i absolutly hate that  >:( My grandma does this repeatedly year after year....bath salts, mariah carey perfume, some crappy flower smelling lotion, and pink silk pajamas. Its humiliating  :P oh well....I'm going to agree with Tekla. Regifting.

I can totally relate. I wanna cry when I get gifts like that. Now that my mom and grandmother know I'm trans, I hope they don't do it again this year.

Yeah, my boyfriend's mother (who I'm not out to yet) keeps giving me jewelry... I feel so bad, because she's so sweet. I want to appreciate them, I really do, but...

And I came out to my mom this summer, so we'll see if she finally stops giving me makeup and girly clothes.

give it to your sister if you have one... or girlfriend.... or just girl friends.... or goodwill...  return it if it'd be worth the effort.

That was the worst though.  I hated generic gifts like in workplaces.  Our boss one year at arbys got all the boys screwdrivers and all the girls avon samples....... I stole a screwdriver.  =]

What joy can be found in giving a gift that is not intended to fit the bill. Even best intentions can miss the mark but why waste money, time and feelings knowing  that it is not an appropriate gift? I don't understand people sometimes. ( I find it fustrating when things are not logical )

I'm not logical. I can't figure out what people want. I no longer give gifts as a rule. I have found that I not longer get those uwanted gifts either.

I tried to give a gift for Christmas, something they wanted, they wouldn't use it unless I told them what it cost. What was the point of trying to give them a gift then. They will only take it if it is within a certain price range?

Being alone has its advantages.

One of my biggest fears: I'll finally be comfortable enough with my body that I can be open to a relationship. I'll meet a guy who loves me and doesn't worry about my anatomy. He'll be everything I've always wanted in a man. But then I'll find out that he's a Christmas junkie who wants to exchange loads of presents every year. That ends that relationship! :laugh:

I was raised a Jehovahs Witness. We have not been JW for 19yrs, but we have never celebrated Christmas. So that is that.

<.< >.>  I personally love my "girly" gifts.  If I get "girly" clothes, I'm extremely happy.  If I get a nice smelling perfume, I'm very happy and I'll wear it.  If I get a new purse, I use it.   I can't help it.  It might be how I was raised....or I just really like to cross-dress (which I do). 

Though generally this has stopped over the years and I get money from distant family for the most part, which makes it easier for me to get books or CDs or DVDs or something similar or maybe I'll be able to get a binder this year. :D

My favorite thing in the world to do is give presents, though.  I generally make them (I made my parents a blanket this year, bought my mom some angel figurines [she collects them], and bought my dad a Godzilla toy [he loves Godzilla], and I got my sister a necklace with a horse on it, a horse calendar, one of those dog things that bark when you rub it's back, a teddy bear statue, and a Christmas mug).  That being said, I try and get what I know everyone likes because it makes it awesome to see them smile.  However, if I get something I don't want, I just smile and say "thank you" and store it away somewhere--I can't part with gifts unless I've had them for a few months and they don't get used.

Anywho, if you don't like the gifts, return them or give them to goodwill or a thrift store or give them to someone who really wants them.  You can donate gifts to a lot of different places that will make sure the gifts are given to people who want/need them.

Quote from: tekla on November 30, 2010, 09:41:58 PM
One word: regifting.

Exactly.

Say thank you, smile, and think of who you know who would love it, then send it along. 


Jay

I work at a church, and the pastor also does avon. (pastor = woman in 50s)
I got lotion, tinted chapstick (looks like lipstick to me) and a gold necklace. -.-

Hmm..
I'm gonna go with "she tried", under grounds of there was no perfume in the package, and the necklace is simple-ish (bear charm thinger on a chain)


Smile and nod. Smile and nod.

Anyone else find themselves using some of the girly crap ONCE to please the person who gave it and then shutting it away?

Quote from: insanitylives on December 05, 2010, 02:15:04 PMAnyone else find themselves using some of the girly crap ONCE to please the person who gave it and then shutting it away?

I sometimes did before transition.

I'm also seriously thinking of starting a gift/item exchange thread. I have some nice things the women in my family wouldn't wear (nothing bad!). I would rather they go to a lady who really wants it, not give it to someone who wouldn't wear them.

If it was super Girly I could never use it. My parents never pulled that stuff on me so therewasnt really anyone to try and please. I just told whoever gave it to me that I loved it and when on with business.. Hasn't happened in ages though

Do they come from any place recognizable where you might be able to return them for store credit?  I guess that would only work for stores that carry stuff for both men and women, like the GAP or something.

Quote from: sej on December 06, 2010, 02:23:48 PM
Do they come from any place recognizable where you might be able to return them for store credit?  I guess that would only work for stores that carry stuff for both men and women, like the GAP or something.

I'd do that if it wasn't clearly avon.

but yeah, walmart has a great return policy

Wal-Mart does return things pretty good but I have run into a few times that if you don't have a receipt you don't get a full refund on your Wal-Mart credit.

Quote from: Kareil on December 02, 2010, 03:31:07 PM
Don't you know?  We're "projects" for them, not people, regardless of what stage in transition someone might be, we just need some help, and then we'll be "real women"

I could not have put it better - I was their "project" ugh.  I actually exchanged them panties for tighty-whities at wal-mart.  The gift-giver brought an audience to ask me how I liked them (fishing for a compliment) and I told her I exchanged them.  So, keep in mind this woman was at least 40, and I was 18/19.  So maybe I have an excuse for being an arse hehe.

You know, even for the times I actually wore women's undies, they were NOT those hideous tarps that Hanes sells, and if they asked I could have at least steered them away from it.  /tangent