I'm starting to dislike being around friends from pre-transition and one friend in particular.
I've given it a lot of thought and I think that the reason why I feel that way is that she doesn't see me as female. She acts as if she does, but I really don't think that she does, or she doesn't want to. I also think that she misses the 'old me'. It's like she won't let go of 'him'. When we are together we always have a good time most of the time, but afterwards I always feel bad about something she said or did. That something is always related to my tg.
I have more problems with her than with my mother actually.. I really would have never guessed that a couple of years ago.. I feel like she (my friend) is making it difficult for me to transition, psychologically. She doesn't give me the space. Last week she called me by my old name twice. I was shocked. I did not respond to it at all. I basically just ignored her and what she said. I'm beyond the point of asking not to use that name. She hadn't called me by my old name for more than a year. That same night she mentioned in a way to sensationalistic way that she still has old pictures of me. WHAT!? I then told her that I feel more and more comfortable having my picture taken lately and I can tell by her facial expression that she really doesn't understand why.. Making me even more insecure. I didn't bother anymore to explain why I feel more comfortable (because I am becoming ME).
During the past years we have talked about tg a lot. It almost always left me feeling misunderstood. She said many stupid painful things to me although I'm sure she didn't mean to and it was just ignorance. A couple of months ago I told her that I don't want to be as open about my transition anymore as I used to be, especially towards new people I'm meeting. Being open about it worked for me at first, but not anymore (although I realise that I'm still in some kind of weird-scary-andro phase, being mam'ed always though). People may look at me and draw their conclusion, but I don't want to create the openness to discuss it anymore. I don't allow anyone to treat me as male. I will do whatever it takes to get me where I want to be.
The problem with having friends 'who know' and to whom I've always been open with is that it can lead to very uncomfortable social situations when other/new people are envolved. I just don't know how to deal with that. I already have two invitations for parties this month and I just can't decide to go or not.
I seem to be having some kind of problems with all friends from pre-transition. I'm just tired of them looking at me like they do. Talking to me like I'm still 'him'. I'm sure they all use my old name and the wrong pronouns behind my back. I'm sick of being able to see what they think. I'm sick of them never telling me what they really think. I'm sick of my friends talking to others about me and outing me and my tg.
Another friend told about me and my tg to someone who lives just around my corner! I walk past her house a couple of times a week but I never met her. She even showed her my picture.. And she was telling it to me like it was a good thing that she told her.. When the woman saw my picture she said: 'oh but I know her!'. We live so close to each other so yes I'm sure she has seen me around. But my friend, what was she thinking?? That woman referred to me as a she and I'm 100% sure my friend spoke to me about her as a he. I really don't know how to deal with things like this.. I make a big deal of my presentation but if everyone keeps outing me I might as well walk around the neighbourhood naked? I'm starting to feel like that it's most of all THEIR problem instead of mine. Does that make any sense?
I love my friends, but I don't know how much longer these friendships will 'work'. I am acting more distant towards them lately and I'm sure that they interpret it as that I am depressed or whatever.. I'm not entirely ready for it, but I think that at some point I will want to move more towards having new friendships in my 'new' role. Is it weird that I feel this way? Do I need to 'chill out'?
I dream about starting a new life..
It is definitely understandable that you want to make new friends; I certainly would. However, if you feel that you might want to keep your old friendships, you should definitely have a talk with them about how they have made you feel. Making you feel so insecure about yourself is not something a good friend would do - so if they are good friends they will work harder on that if you tell them how certain things make you feel and why they make you feel this way, because they might not even realize how they are making you feel. Especially talking to other people and outing you - that is an EXTREME no-no.
Much love <3
Thanks for the advise. The problem is that I have explained how certain things make me feel many times, but they just don't seem to get it. I am pretty much done with explaining myself. It always leaves me feeling more misunderstood. Even the things of which I think that to me they would be just common sense; they just don't get it. The outing which I wrote about is a good example..
When I explain certain things I often see a look on their face like 'yeah right, like anyone is ever going to believe that you were born female'. At this point for me it's not about that, it's about being able to be me and fitting in the best that I possibly can. I just really started to hate those looks on their faces. I hate it even more that they aren't telling what they really think. Yes, it makes me feel insecure.
I regret having ever been open about my transition. Then again, transition is hard to hide I guess. Now I just don't want to make my transition discussable anymore. Especially not with new people I am meeting. My friends think that everyone else is as accepting as they are but it's just not true. I am lucky to even have friends that are so accepting (they are straight and lesbian gg). Acceptance and understanding are two different things though.
I feel so much more me and accepted as female when I'm alone in public then when I am with friends. The more I am being me when I'm with them, the more disconnected I feel from them. I think transition has already changed me more than I would have ever thought when I started and I think that for a part they don't recognise me anymore. I get that I-hardly-recognise-you-hello-where-are-you look from many people, also from people in shops etc. who+
see me changing. For me it's difficult to deal with. I don't know what they see exactly. They don't actually say something so I cannot really deal with it. Oh well, this too is probable a phase that will pass.
I really hope you don't mind some advice that might be a bit, in your face. But I get the impession you're thinking too much about yourself
It's perfectly natural that people are going to talk about you. Let's face it, it's not every day you meet a transgender person.
In the street where I live, there are at least two houses with a gay couple living in. On of these especially, really gets stuck into the life of our street. They run the eighbourhood association and bring round a news letter, every so often. And yes, when someone new moves in, it isn't long before they know of the gay couples.
But your neighbours and friends are being, generally friendly. OK, so one is being a bit niggly, but she would probably be like that anyway.
You don't need to excuse yourself for being here. You're transgender. Fact of life.
OK, so it would be great if no-one noticed, but realistically, that ain't gonna happen.
Can you try to just relax? Yes, your a woman who has an interesting history. Not a lot you can do really.
But your a woman with friends and seemingly quite nice neighbours. Not bad really, considering what some have.
Although I have a lot of supportive friends from the past, I've made a lot of new friends and I tend to hang out with them more.
I imagine that some people would/do have a problem adjusting though, hopefully given time and experience with you, that can change but with some, maybe not...
Whatever the case may be, don't let yourself get into the situation where you avoid making friends with anyone pre-transition. I dont know what your definition of pre-transition is, but I think perhaps I might fit in your definition. I would hate to think that someone wouldn't become friends with me just because I fit their definition of "pretransition" when that person has never met me before. Go ahead and distance yourself from these people, but don't let yourself get into the mindset of "well you're pre-transition and therefore we cant be friends".
Quote from: girl_ashley on December 02, 2010, 01:32:14 PM
Whatever the case may be, don't let yourself get into the situation where you avoid making friends with anyone pre-transition. I dont know what your definition of pre-transition is, but I think perhaps I might fit in your definition. I would hate to think that someone wouldn't become friends with me just because I fit their definition of "pretransition" when that person has never met me before. Go ahead and distance yourself from these people, but don't let yourself get into the mindset of "well you're pre-transition and therefore we cant be friends".
What I meant was friends of me that I've known from long before my own transition.
Quote from: Riannah on December 01, 2010, 08:15:37 PM
I dream about starting a new life..
Stop dreaming and do it. If people whether they be friends, family, acquaintances, or other, do not support your decision to transition, don't waste your time, effort and energy on them. Move on. There's a world full of people out there to make friends with, and more than not will be supportive an accepting. Trust me. You just have to get out there and find them.
Quote from: spacial on December 02, 2010, 10:22:50 AM
I really hope you don't mind some advice that might be a bit, in your face. But I get the impession you're thinking too much about yourself
It's perfectly natural that people are going to talk about you. Let's face it, it's not every day you meet a transgender person.
In the street where I live, there are at least two houses with a gay couple living in. On of these especially, really gets stuck into the life of our street. They run the eighbourhood association and bring round a news letter, every so often. And yes, when someone new moves in, it isn't long before they know of the gay couples.
But your neighbours and friends are being, generally friendly. OK, so one is being a bit niggly, but she would probably be like that anyway.
You don't need to excuse yourself for being here. You're transgender. Fact of life.
OK, so it would be great if no-one noticed, but realistically, that ain't gonna happen.
Can you try to just relax? Yes, your a woman who has an interesting history. Not a lot you can do really.
But your a woman with friends and seemingly quite nice neighbours. Not bad really, considering what some have.
I try to relax spacial, but it's hard sometimes. I just find it rather difficult to transition being around people who have known me for a long time. It's just awkward in so many ways, for them but also for me. Being around them effects my voice, my behavior, etc. I know I should be happy to have friends, but these friendships aren't the same as they used to be. In a way it all makes sense. I have changed so much myself so I guess the friendships were bound to change as well. I feel like a stranger to them now. Not completely, but partly. I think I'm going to have a discussion with two of my friends some time soon. The times I asked them how they felt about my transition they said they still felt I was the same person inside. That's what matters to them most. Yet I can't help but notice the look on their faces each time they see me. As if they see a new person again, or something like that. I just wanna know how they are dealing with it now. I also wanna know how they see me now..
I realise that it's natural that people talk about transgenders, but I am a woman.. LOL. I know it's not realistic to think that no-one is ever going to notice that I am transgender, but I can choose to not make it discussable anymore at some point. I think. Is it odd that that's what I want?
I'll relax again now :)
I have the same problem with my friends. It's like they're in permanent denial about me being a woman and view me as just their guy friend who's transgender. I'm sticking it out with reduced contact and constant name/pronoun corrections until I pass well enough that they don't have any more excuses.
Maybe making a new friend who respects you as a woman and being blunt about why you like them more will snap them out of it. And with the random outing say something like:
QuoteJust because you say you accept me doesn't change the 1 in 20 murder rate for trans people, or the widespread hate in general. Please, I need you to understand you potentially put my life in danger every time you randomly out me.
It hits them with a good one/two shock with an after-tone of self-doubt. If they try to brush it off or say anything about you tricking people or really anything that friends don't say when told they put your life in danger, then they are
not your friend.
Quote from: Riannah on December 06, 2010, 06:23:57 PM
I try to relax spacial, but it's hard sometimes. I just find it rather difficult to transition being around people who have known me for a long time. It's just awkward in so many ways, for them but also for me. Being around them effects my voice, my behavior, etc. I know I should be happy to have friends, but these friendships aren't the same as they used to be. In a way it all makes sense. I have changed so much myself so I guess the friendships were bound to change as well. I feel like a stranger to them now. Not completely, but partly. I think I'm going to have a discussion with two of my friends some time soon. The times I asked them how they felt about my transition they said they still felt I was the same person inside. That's what matters to them most. Yet I can't help but notice the look on their faces each time they see me. As if they see a new person again, or something like that. I just wanna know how they are dealing with it now. I also wanna know how they see me now..
I realise that it's natural that people talk about transgenders, but I am a woman.. LOL. I know it's not realistic to think that no-one is ever going to notice that I am transgender, but I can choose to not make it discussable anymore at some point. I think. Is it odd that that's what I want?
I'll relax again now :)
Thank you so much for responding. I've been feeling really bad about being so blunt. When I re-read my message I thought it sounded a bit mean. I hope you know that is the last thing I would ever do, especially in the matter that you have described.
No, it isn't easy. But the reality is, it's an issue and always will be.
The ball is in your court now. It's up to you to make sure that your friends know that you are still, essentially, the same person you always were.
In a way, it's you who has to forget about it, if you see what I mean? If it isn't a big issue for you, then it won't be for anyone else.
Transgender is a big deal, let's face it. We're all transgender here. Now, if you found out that someone, say at your work, is transgender, you would think about it. You would probably feel some sympathy. You may even hope to build a basic relationship, so you might get advice. But it would be a deal, even for the likes of you and I.
That is reality.
Now your friends have made it quite clear that they have no intention of comming over all high and mighty, passing judgement. They have made it clear that you are still the same person.
So, it's up to you. You now need to just be who you are. OK, so it will be a bit of a deal, but that's life.
I'll bet that, if you're out with them and someone tries to give you grief, your friends will be the first to stand up for you.
Because they are your friends.
Friendships do "burn out" out sometimes. I would suggest focusing on other friendships for a while. Don't make a formal declaration of your friendship with her being over, just withdraw from the friendship. If she asks why you're not as eager to be friends as you used to be, its time for a wake up call (for her), explain that the way she's treated you is pushing you away. Either she will change her behavior or she won't.
Either way, in the end, you'll be rid of a toxic friendship.
Quote from: Chastance on December 07, 2010, 02:34:18 AM
I have the same problem with my friends. It's like they're in permanent denial about me being a woman and view me as just their guy friend who's transgender. I'm sticking it out with reduced contact and constant name/pronoun corrections until I pass well enough that they don't have any more excuses.
Maybe making a new friend who respects you as a woman and being blunt about why you like them more will snap them out of it. And with the random outing say something like:It hits them with a good one/two shock with an after-tone of self-doubt. If they try to brush it off or say anything about you tricking people or really anything that friends don't say when told they put your life in danger, then they are not your friend.
That's exactly how I feel my friends view me: just their guy friend who's transgender.
What you said about making a new friend who respects me as a woman: I actually had a boyfriend last summer who respected me as a woman. They didn't meet him, but when they asked about him I told them that he respected me as woman from the very first moment and that it felt SOOOOOO good that he didn't question my gender, never ever used a wrong pronoun, never asked or knew about my male name and always treated me exactly the right way. I told them that I could finally relax for a while and just be who I am. I didn't acuse them of anything because I don't think it would have been fair to have done that, but I did let them know that not everone sees me the way they do. I think I've made my point. The thing is, I do understand my friends and family. I understand why they will never view me and treat me as 'a new person' would. I know that this is my journey and not theirs, but if they can't even see where I'm travelling to then it's not going to work. I have been patient with them for a long time and I will continue to be a little patient for a while, but there are certain things that I will not accept anymore.
What you said about people outing you putting your life in danger is so true I think. I've said something similair to my friends, but they looked at me as if I was paranoid. They seem to think that all people are as accepting as they are. I don't know what I can say or do to convince them of the risks that are envolved. I just know for sure that they're thinking something like: 'what difference does it make if I 'out' you, everyone can see it anyway'.
While I was typing this message someone came to deliver something (a really gorgeous funky dress! :P). My neighbour who was also in the hallway referred to me as HE to the delivery guy... I already asked her NOT to do that 6 months ago. It is just so embarassing. I will have a talk with her AGAIN tonight. I already know what she will say. She will say that it's 'all so complicated'. She likes to think that she HAS to say HE to certain people if referring to me. It's all in her mind of course.. She knows everything about me, which is probable exactly why she thinks she can get away with saying he.. I can't believe how often things like this happen and I can't believe that it's most of all the ones who should support me who are making my life so difficult!
Quote from: Riannah on December 07, 2010, 10:03:04 AM
While I was typing this message someone came to deliver something (a really gorgeous funky dress! :P). My neighbour who was also in the hallway referred to me as HE to the delivery guy... I already asked her NOT to do that 6 months ago. It is just so embarassing. I will have a talk with her AGAIN tonight. I already know what she will say. She will say that it's 'all so complicated'. She likes to think that she HAS to say HE to certain people if referring to me. It's all in her mind of course.. She knows everything about me, which is probable exactly why she thinks she can get away with saying he.. I can't believe how often things like this happen and I can't believe that it's most of all the ones who should support me who are making my life so difficult!
That why, when I was living in an apartment, I always opted for the ones with private entrances for each unit. There's at least a little more privacy that way.
I love her (yes sarcasm) reaction "It's all so complicated", what a nice way of saying, I have no problem invading your personal life but don't ask me to understand it. I see that all the time with the neighbors when we go blazing in a subdivision with lights and sirens going. Suddenly every neighbor comes out of the woodwork claiming they go back years with whoever our patient is (like that somehow establishes their "right to know"), wanting to know "is everything ok?" What you find out is that they may have been neighbors for 20 years, but they've hardly said two words to eachother. Said neighbor is just looking for something to gossip about.
When you first tell people around you about your genderdisphoria and your transition, it takes a certain while for them to sink in. For most of them, this comes as a genuine shock as they've been completely oblivious to what was going on inside of you all this time . You've already come a very long way when you first tell them, whereas they're just now able to see you for the beautiful girl you really are. They inevitably wonder what this revelation means to them, because they've constructed an image on you based on their perception of you, and now they are confronted with the fact that this image they have so carefully construed is no longer correct.
It may take them a day, a week, a month or longer, or they may never come around to it. Sensible people, however, eventually realise that it's YOU that matters, and not them. In certain instances, however, they don't make that realisation. They are, in a manner of speaking, not able to get over themselves. Your transition places them in such a position that they are unable to cope with it. They're not doing it consciously or deliberately - it's just that they simply cannot get their thick head around it.
I.e. the two friends who made the comment that what mattered was that you were still the same person on the inside, I don't know... To me (and, mind you, I'm the significant other of a MtF, so not transgendered myself) this comes across as if they're clinging to the image they've construed of you. Sounds to me like they're basically saying: "you're still the same person on the inside that we once perceived on the outside". That's not really accepting.
Basically, what it boils down to is that, for them, "they" are more important than "you" - except that to call it like this is way too crude. It's much subtler, as often they don't realise it themselves. In most cases, they believe they're genuinly trying, but don't realise they don't actually succeed. They delude themselves into thinking they're doing the best they can - but the thing is, they're really not. Mostly, it's these people that will complain about how hard it is for them and how complicated things are, while making no mention of the fact that it is YOU that is going through all this and that's it's harder for you than anyone of them. That's because, mostly, it doesn't even occur to them.
Do you need people like this? I'm sure you don't. Don't get me wrong. People make mistakes. They slip up sometimes. There may not be anything behind it. You've invested too much time and effort in these friendships to simply burn the bridges. If, however, you've shown patience and consideration while they try and they keep making these mistakes, they're obviously not trying hard enough to understand, accept and support you. Winding yourself up and correcting them every time, only for them to slip up once more and then act as if it's no big deal really puts an emotional drain on you. If that is the case, your relationship/friendship with them is unbalanced. They mostly take, and you give, whereas they give you less in return.
We all want need people around us that accept us for who we are and that are supportive of us. If your friends aren't supportive or acceptive enough, they're the ones to blame - not you. Perhaps, then, it is time to learn to know new people.
I just spoke to her about it. I said that I really don't like to be referred to as he by her or anyone else. Before I could explain to her why I don't like that (she already knows it anyway) she said: 'I know! I felt so stupid right there when I said it! It just slipped out of my mouth. I corrected myself a little by using your 'new' name.' I didn't hear her using my name, but I believe her anyway. By the time she called my name my brain was probable already exploding with anger..
Anyway, I'm glad I talked to her about it and I do think that eventually she (and others) will get it right. Which doesn't mean that they will then also see me as female of course. As spacial said, it will always be a bit of a deal.
In a way it doesn't feel natural that I have to keep reminding them about the right pronouns, but I just keep in mind that strangers don't have problems with using the correct pronouns at all.
The impression I sometimes get from my friends and family and neighbours etc. is that they almost feel privileged to use the wrong pronouns and treat me as male 'Because They Know'....... I don't know why but I sometimes think that that's what they think. Does anybody know what I mean?
Riannah,
Quote from: regan on December 07, 2010, 09:29:03 AM
Friendships do "burn out" out sometimes. I would suggest focusing on other friendships for a while. Don't make a formal declaration of your friendship with her being over, just withdraw from the friendship. If she asks why you're not as eager to be friends as you used to be, its time for a wake up call (for her), explain that the way she's treated you is pushing you away. Either she will change her behavior or she won't.
Either way, in the end, you'll be rid of a toxic friendship.
What Regan said here is salient and in my estimation may be where you are at in at least one of these relationships.
I've been where your at. At times, I still have those experiences with "old" friends. I'll give an example:
I have/had/have a friend who's husband was my best friend before he died. Their family and mine were extremely close. We were the kind of friends in which we took vacations together as families. Kids and all! Long story short, he died. After-which, my family continued friendship and support for her and her kids. Then my transition started a couple years afterward. At first it was, "ohh, okay, well you can't do anything about who you are", as her response once I informed her of my intentions. Time goes on and the relationship between her and I became, as Regan so aptly said, "toxic". She actually became so distraught over my transition and me becoming more and more feminine in appearance that she simply could not fully let go of the old 'me'.
We had so many arguments and heated discussions about whether "what" I "was doing" and whether or not even changing my name should be allowed that on night I'd had enough and stormed out of her house vowing never to return. My wife was quit upset over the thought of losing yet again another person in her life. But, she stood right by me and let this former friend know that the way her battles against me transitioning were inappropriate and insensitive.
I stayed away from her presence for quit some time.
Month's later, this person finally made an overture to rekindle the friendship. Cautiously I accepted a meeting for lunch. I went on one condition. There would be no discussion of my transition or about me being trans at all allowed. She agreed. Since then, things have been better between us. The relationship we once had will never be again. Though, when we are together now, I am only referred to in a completely appropriate way. in her presence and in the presence of others we may be with.
I think what has to happen at times, Riannah, is that those old friendships need to fade away and die as the old person 'we' were did as well. If the person you had a friendship with really wants to retain you as a friend, they will ultimately come round and accept you as you. If they don't then, continue moving on to make new friends. It's very tough to do but, at times it's the only way we can do it. It is also necessary to do so in order to maintain our own sanity as well.
Dawn
Quote from: Riannah on December 07, 2010, 10:03:04 AM
What you said about people outing you putting your life in danger is so true I think. I've said something similair to my friends, but they looked at me as if I was paranoid. They seem to think that all people are as accepting as they are. I don't know what I can say or do to convince them of the risks that are envolved. I just know for sure that they're thinking something like: 'what difference does it make if I 'out' you, everyone can see it anyway'.
You could always show them the TDOR website and just start describing how some of them were violently killed just for being trans. Your friends are not used to checking their cis privilege and it's gonna be a struggle for them to understand it or just acknowledge that they have it. Some stumble about throw a fit or two and get in line after you explain trans 101. Others need to see that long list of people just like you, with friends just like them, who were killed by an average seeming person.
When I have to have 'the talk' with people about cis privilege I break the ice by explaining it like an invisible cannon coming out of your chest. The more privilege you have the bigger it is. And society gives you little gifts based on how big and what kind of cannon you have because everybody secretly has a fetish for huge invisible chest cannons. So people who don't have a cannon are afraid because every tom, dick, and harry around them has a huge cannon pointed at their face. We chuckle my points been made and I can start to point out some of the little 'gifts' society gives them and how when they say certain things they're taking a 'shot' at me with their invisible privilege cannon.
In short if you want truly accepting friends they need to understand three things: this is who you really are, they have cis privilege, and why you're afraid of cis privilege.
I agree that it is understandable that you want to make new friends. Some people will accept you and others will not. Others will partially.
I have a friend whom I know for decades, ever since my school years. He calls me sometimes by my female name, but refers to me by my male name around his kid and I have yet to hear female pronouns. He went out of his way the other day to say "him" and every other male pronoun. I was livid and had the thought that staying friends with people whom you know from pre-transition and having them accept you as a female is not impossible, but not easy either.
Hearing others call me "him" and the like makes it hard on me.
Great thread.
Quote from: regan on December 07, 2010, 12:50:40 PM
That why, when I was living in an apartment, I always opted for the ones with private entrances for each unit. There's at least a little more privacy that way.
I love her (yes sarcasm) reaction "It's all so complicated", what a nice way of saying, I have no problem invading your personal life but don't ask me to understand it. I see that all the time with the neighbors when we go blazing in a subdivision with lights and sirens going. Suddenly every neighbor comes out of the woodwork claiming they go back years with whoever our patient is (like that somehow establishes their "right to know"), wanting to know "is everything ok?" What you find out is that they may have been neighbors for 20 years, but they've hardly said two words to eachother. Said neighbor is just looking for something to gossip about.
Way off topic, but are you an EMT? I'm getting my EMT-B this quarter and hope to work as an ER tech or a critical care tech in an ICU. Yay EMS!
Quote from: alia on December 08, 2010, 11:33:42 AM
Way off topic, but are you an EMT? I'm getting my EMT-B this quarter and hope to work as an ER tech or a critical care tech in an ICU. Yay EMS!
Check your messages. :)
I have one friend that I hang out with and she sees me as female and is even getting better at using she her Britney. :D But if she didn't see me as Britney things wouldn't work.
I am finding that out on my own. It is hard to have a relationship with someone who does not see you as your true gender or is not willing to. That creates a lot of strain, which at some point something has to give.
Are some people really only friends with that thing between your legs and that which they do not see? That is backwards. People should like other people for whom they are, not for their gender.
Quote from: sarahla on December 17, 2010, 12:32:37 AM
Are some people really only friends with that thing between your legs and that which they do not see? That is backwards. People should like other people for whom they are, not for their gender.
If only it could be that simple. Your genitals define your role in society (male or female), people relate to you on that basis. From the MtF perspective, as much as you'd not like to believe otherwise, your best male friend never would have told you the things they did with the level of trust they showed (of you keeping it a secret - remember "guy code") had you not been percieved as male.
So yeah, like it or not, gender plays a role in every friendship.
I did not think on the topic in those terms with respect to confidence. You are right there. Had I been a girl from the onset, we would never have been friends nor conversations shared. Still, hearing "he" all the time bugs me.
Many people here on this forum keep talking about "rebirth" and in many respects that seems true. One does get reborn, albeit slowly.
Quote from: Starveil on December 07, 2010, 01:07:55 PM
When you first tell people around you about your genderdisphoria and your transition, it takes a certain while for them to sink in. For most of them, this comes as a genuine shock as they've been completely oblivious to what was going on inside of you all this time . You've already come a very long way when you first tell them, whereas they're just now able to see you for the beautiful girl you really are. They inevitably wonder what this revelation means to them, because they've constructed an image on you based on their perception of you, and now they are confronted with the fact that this image they have so carefully construed is no longer correct.
It may take them a day, a week, a month or longer, or they may never come around to it. Sensible people, however, eventually realise that it's YOU that matters, and not them. In certain instances, however, they don't make that realisation. They are, in a manner of speaking, not able to get over themselves. Your transition places them in such a position that they are unable to cope with it. They're not doing it consciously or deliberately - it's just that they simply cannot get their thick head around it.
I.e. the two friends who made the comment that what mattered was that you were still the same person on the inside, I don't know... To me (and, mind you, I'm the significant other of a MtF, so not transgendered myself) this comes across as if they're clinging to the image they've construed of you. Sounds to me like they're basically saying: "you're still the same person on the inside that we once perceived on the outside". That's not really accepting.
Basically, what it boils down to is that, for them, "they" are more important than "you" - except that to call it like this is way too crude. It's much subtler, as often they don't realise it themselves. In most cases, they believe they're genuinly trying, but don't realise they don't actually succeed. They delude themselves into thinking they're doing the best they can - but the thing is, they're really not. Mostly, it's these people that will complain about how hard it is for them and how complicated things are, while making no mention of the fact that it is YOU that is going through all this and that's it's harder for you than anyone of them. That's because, mostly, it doesn't even occur to them.
Do you need people like this? I'm sure you don't. Don't get me wrong. People make mistakes. They slip up sometimes. There may not be anything behind it. You've invested too much time and effort in these friendships to simply burn the bridges. If, however, you've shown patience and consideration while they try and they keep making these mistakes, they're obviously not trying hard enough to understand, accept and support you. Winding yourself up and correcting them every time, only for them to slip up once more and then act as if it's no big deal really puts an emotional drain on you. If that is the case, your relationship/friendship with them is unbalanced. They mostly take, and you give, whereas they give you less in return.
We all want need people around us that accept us for who we are and that are supportive of us. If your friends aren't supportive or acceptive enough, they're the ones to blame - not you. Perhaps, then, it is time to learn to know new people.
Wow. Great post, Starveil. Thanks so much.
About my friends' comment about me still being the same person on the inside, and that according to you they are basically saying: "you're still the same person on the inside that we once perceived on the outside". I think you are right. I also think that that isn't accepting. I think it's more about their fear for me not being AT ALL what/who they thought I was. I do understand them though. The way I see it is that I was who/what I was, that I am now who/what I am and that I will be, well, whoever/whatever I will be, hehe. I would love to be able to tell them that 'I will always be the same person on the inside'. I used to think that I really would remain the same person on the inside, but lately I am not so sure about that. It's just not as simple as that. I've changed so much already and not only on the outside. I'm sure I will change more. Hormones are changing me even more, on the inside too. I need my friends to sort of grow with me in all those changes, but I don't think they are capable of it, with maybe one exception. They cling too much to the image they had of me yes. They think transitioning has everything to do with clothes and some will even understand that it has to do with body as well. It's much more than that, of course. I feel they continue to talk to me (treat me) the way they did 3 years ago, but that makes me feel like they are not seeing me the way I am now. Does that make any sense at all? It's like they are talking to someone who doesn't exist anymore. Not in that shape anyway. I wish this would be as simple as 'you have friends, be glad you have friends at all'. It's much more complicated.
I also agree on what you said about them thinking they're doing the best they can. They really aren't. There are so many questions that they could have asked me but didn't. Without having those questions asked, they can't possibly understand. I've noticed lots of times that friends acted liked they made some great effort, when in reality the effort wasn't that great at all, or actually made me feel very bad. Most of the times I could just tell that they didn't understand me at all and on top of it I had to be greatful for it. Sorry, but I don't need charity.
The sad thing is though, that I think that none of them truly understands me and what I'm going through. Perhaps it's just something that cannot be understood, but I do feel that they aren't trying hard enough. Again, with maybe one exception.
They make me feel like they 'are willing to play the game along with me'. They don't acknowledge the woman in me or the woman I already am. They don't recognise and welcome the changes. They cling to who/what they thought I was.
Lately I just try to keep things a little superficial and I try not to tell too much about the things I go through. Telling those things to them hasn't done me any good so far anyway. Me not being able to share those things with them does effect the friendships of course. To me right now transitioning is the most important thing in the world. If I can't share that fully with my friends/family then are they really my friends/family? I tend to accept more bs from my family than from my friends by the way, but my family has also dissapointed me by not showing any interest. They simply don't ask any questions at all. I'm surprised that they always try to use my correct name and about my mum always making nice comments about my clothes etc. It's almost as if they are thinking; as long as we do that then we are doing the best and everything we can. They don't know anything about transsexuality. They have never read a book about it or went online to find information about it. I gave them the DVD of Trans America a year ago; they haven't seen it. They never ask me how hormones are effecting me, etc etc. To me that just seems weird. They might just not realise how huge this is. I've been very open about it all from the very beginning so it's not like they couldn't have asked me about things. But... as I told my aunt recently on the phone (whom I haven't seen in person after my coming out, fear I guess): there will be a time that I will simply refuse to talk about these things. Two years have gone by. I've been through so much in the mean time, they don't even know half of it. I just don't know how to feel about that. I know things could have been a lot worse, but still..
Anyway, back to friends.. I've declined some party invitations. Especially some of which I think they could turn out to be very stressful for me. I accepted the less stressful ones. I used to be quite hard on myself by just undergoing everything, but now I'm going more easy on myself by trying to do what's good for me. I don't have to prove anything anymore. I know my friends, they'll think that if I don't show up at a party that I'm depressed or whatever (after all transsexuals are supposed to be depressed, or trying to commit suicide). It's not the case, but I'll let them think whatever they want to think, and in the mean time I'll be doing things that are good for ME. That's actually my new years resolution: do things that are good for ME. That, and getting my house and adminstration as organised as it was prior to transitioning. I now realise the enormous impact it all had on me..
I actually thought I was already doing things that were good for me, but after reading your post Starveil, I realised that I really wasn't. Thanks for making me see that. And just out of curiousity; did you meet your significant other before or during or after transition?
I may start trying to get to know other people soon. I don't know how yet, though. As usually things will work out one way or another. Oh, come to think of it, not so long ago I met a girl (gg) with whom I'm sort of friends now and it looks like we'll be going on a trip to Turkey together in march, so I guess I'm already meeting new people :)
Thanks again for your post, Starveil.