Actually this process will give you a good insight to any decision you need to make. I've known about this trick for a long time.
You flip a coin.
Heads, you're a transsexual.
Tails, you're not.
Flip the coin. Look at what comes up. Then ask yourself how you feel about the result!
The other day I was doubting my transsexuality (again). Then I decided to flip a coin. When the coin came up tails, I was really saddened to think that I wasn't a transsexual.
So that pretty much cleared my mind up on that one!
I've been claiming I am a transsexual since I came out to myself earlier this year. I gave up any pretense that I was a ->-bleeped-<-. Though deep in my core I still had this nagging doubt. I never had any of the strong feelings of knowing I was female that some of you other ladies have said you've had. I've felt different and uncomfortable in my skin since I was very young, but I never felt I was a girl. So that always made me doubt. Made me think that maybe I was not transsexual.
I know we are all different, we come to this from very different paths, but I can be very insecure at times.
But when I was faced with the coin flip saying I wasn't transsexual, I knew what a lie that was, I knew then in my heart of hearts that I am a woman. And at once came to peace with myself.
I also realized that being transsexual is a gift! A blessing! Not a curse.
I would never, NEVER! give up this gift!
Goddess thank you.
-Sandy
This takes me back Kassandra...
I played this game many times, with coins, pulling petals off of flowers and using dice and rolling numbers.
In the end I got a double headed coin and as I always call heads, the answer to the question "Am I transsexual", was always what I needed to hear.
The path is always difficult, there are many twists and turns along the way and sometimes going backwards has to take place in order to go forward again.
As to a blessing, I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.......
Buffy
How to really know?
Because you don't even consider that stage of self-doubt and will crawl a hundred miles over broken glass to get your hands on some pills and get yourself onto that operating table, regardless of anyone who stands in your way and regardless of any sacrifices you might have to make, whether family or friends.
And yes, it is a blessing, albeit a mixed one. Sure, there's a lot of effort and expense involved but personally speaking, the process has made me a much more rounded person and has made me far more tolerant of others. It has also taught me life lessons about really prioritising life's needs, about the importance of steady persistence in a continuous effort, and that there's always a possibility of redemption (in a non-religious sense)...
In short, it has taught me to grow up.
Quote from: Kassandra on December 26, 2006, 10:04:02 AM
The other day I was doubting my transsexuality (again). Then I decided to flip a coin. When the coin came up tails, I was really saddened to think that I wasn't a transsexual.
I love it!
Reminds me of an old episode of "Friends" where Rachael was afraid she had become pregnant... paraphrasing... she was complaining about how much she hoped she wasn't pregnant, how terrified she was, how awful...
So she took the test, but said she couldn't look and handed it to Pheobe.
Phoebe looked at it and said,
"Nope! Not pregnant! Yay!"And Rachael started crying, lol...
Phoebe of course asked her,
"What's wrong? I thought you said you didn't want a baby?""Wellllll... I know, but..."Phoebe laughed.
"I lied. You're pregnant. I just wanted you to realize how badly you wanted this."Tears of joy...
The hypothetical that pushed me over the edge was,
"How would you feel if you found out you positively could NEVER transition for some reason? That for some unchangeable reason, it could never, EVER happen?"QuoteI've felt different and uncomfortable in my skin since I was very young, but I never felt I was a girl. So that always made me doubt. Made me think that maybe I was not transsexual.
I only recently made the mental shift to honestly facing up to the fact that I AM a woman. I've
always known that I wanted to BE a woman, a female, but philosophically I never felt I deserved to consider myself anything more than a boy who wanted to be a girl. It just seemed too... presumptious? How could I, someone who's been born and raised as a male, DARE to call myself a woman having never lived the life of one? I dunno, it just seemed kinda insulting to womankind somehow...
Yep, I knew about this trick. My Dad actually told me about it. He was a VP for a big sporting goods company and he would use this method for firing employees and tell this trick to other people. For me, I used something similar in figuring out whether I was TS or not. I took the cogiati and it wasn't the results so much as how I felt I wanted them to end up that spoke volumes.
Melissa
Quote from: Buffy on December 26, 2006, 10:15:23 AM
As to a blessing, I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.......
Buffy
Once, when I was pursuing my spirituality through dogmatic religion, I had an occasion to speak with a Jesuit monk. He was a fascinating and funny man with a deep insight into spirituality and religion. In the course of the conversation we touched on the orders absolute adherence to celibacy.
What he said explained it very directly. "Not everyone can accept the
gift of celibacy." To him it wasn't a burden. It was part of the calling and as such something to be celebrated.
I feel much the same way now. "Not everyone can accept the
gift of transsexuality either." Fortunately this is a gift that we mortals cannot *give*.
Only receive.
And celebrated!
-Sandy
Quote from: Kate on December 26, 2006, 10:54:53 AM
I only recently made the mental shift to honestly facing up to the fact that I AM a woman. I've always known that I wanted to BE a woman, a female, but philosophically I never felt I deserved to consider myself anything more than a boy who wanted to be a girl. It just seemed too... presumptious? How could I, someone who's been born and raised as a male, DARE to call myself a woman having never lived the life of one? I dunno, it just seemed kinda insulting to womankind somehow...
Kate, I have felt exactly this way. How could I
presume to call myself a female! I had no right to do so. That was always something I would use to deny the fact that I was a transsexual. I hope I'm past that now... :)
I know there are many benefits to being TS like seeing both sides of the gender spectrum, but honestly sometimes I wish I wasn't TS and would have just been happy living as male. The thing is that I wasn't and I do kind of feel like I was forced by my body or mind or whatever it is that causes TSism into transitioning. In some ways, life was so much simpler before transition. The biggest thing I have gained with my transition is I don't have the dysphoria 95% of the time. In fact it had been quite a while since experiencing it until this past weekend. I was with a group of women (mostly stealth except for my GF knowing) and the issue of them talking about vaginas came up and that made me quite uncomfortable (with myself) and jealous, so I know I'm not done transitioning just yet. I think I ask myself "why oh why did I have to be one?" a little too often. It may be a gift, but it still is very hard to accept.
Melissa
That's excellent, Kassandra... it doesn't matter what test you use, it's how you feel about the results. :D
I also took the COGIATI early on and when it said I was a level 4, I took that as something I could show others to justify what I so desperately wanted to do. Although someone told me to ignore the result and just think about the questions.
Quote from: Kate on December 26, 2006, 10:54:53 AMIt just seemed too... presumptious? How could I, someone who's been born and raised as a male, DARE to call myself a woman having never lived the life of one?
I used to feel the same way too!!!! But I discovered that, if you present as a woman and are confident that the real you underneath it all is female, then people
will accept you as one.
Quote from: Kassandra on December 26, 2006, 10:04:02 AM
Actually this process will give you a good insight to any decision you need to make. I've known about this trick for a long time.
You flip a coin.
Heads, you're a transsexual.
Tails, you're not.
I've taken another view and test because it's not about being a transsexual, that's not a state I want to claim. My test is simple.
The physician holds her hands out and says, "In my right hand I'm holding a pill that when you take tonight will cause you to wake up as a female-woman in the morning, with the body, history and socialization. In my left hand I'm holding a pill that will remove all interests and feelings about changing your gender for the rest of your life, essentially confirming your male-man identity. Your choice?"
To me, it's a no brainer, reaching out my hand to her I say, "The right hand please."
--Susan--
Let's see...
Flip a coin.
If it is heads, and you still want to whack off Mr. Johnson, flip it again.
If it is tails, put the decision off until tomorrow.
Cindi
my dice says female.........on every face
always has...............its lovely
misty xxx
Hmmm, perhaps if you visit this section of the forums approximately 17 times per hour, you might be TS? ;)
zythyra
Sandy, I think I've looked at this every which way but Sunday. Is that how the saying goes? Doesn't make sense... anyway...
A few years ago I found the COGATI test and took it. I tried to skew it a little so it would come up saying I was female inside. When it came up Probable Transsexual I started to cry. I knew it was right but also knew what that meant, in terms of my future. This really bothered me. About a week later I took it again making sure I answered every question completely honestly. I has hoping for a lower score. I wasn't ready to lose everything. When the new results came up it said Classic Transsexual. I scored higher! I ultimately convinced myself to ignore the test because it wasn't definitive and lived a couple more years in denial.
Once I came out of denial and opened my eyes to this beautiful world around me I knew I could never go back. However, like you, I tested myself time and time again. Then one day I asked myself if I had to go back to my old life, could I and be happy? Just the thought of it put me into a tailspin! No way could I do that!
Once you remove something from your life you'll know how important it really is to you.
Julie
I answered all questions in complete honesty the first time I took it and came up with "probable transsexual". Around that time, I was trying to evaluate whether I was deluding myself or I really was transsexual. It took me a little bit of time to accept that I really was TS. I mean it just seemed so unreal and looking at statistics, unlikely. I took it later on much further in my transition and because I had actually had some more experience with living as female, some of the answers had changed. Again, I answered all questions completely honestly and this time got "classic transsexual". Both times I was completely open to any result and I didn't take it as gospel, but rather as just another data point in figuring stuff out.
Melissa
Quote from: zythyra on December 28, 2006, 01:14:04 PM
Hmmm, perhaps if you visit this section of the forums approximately 17 times per hour, you might be TS? ;)
zythyra
lol, I may do it 17 times a day ....does that qualify?
Quote from: Julie Marie on December 28, 2006, 01:37:19 PM
A few years ago I found the COGATI test and took it. I tried to skew it a little so it would come up saying I was female inside. When it came up Probable Transsexual I started to cry. I knew it was right but also knew what that meant, in terms of my future. This really bothered me. About a week later I took it again making sure I answered every question completely honestly. I has hoping for a lower score. I wasn't ready to lose everything. When the new results came up it said Classic Transsexual. I scored higher! I ultimately convinced myself to ignore the test because it wasn't definitive and lived a couple more years in denial.
Once I came out of denial and opened my eyes to this beautiful world around me I knew I could never go back. However, like you, I tested myself time and time again. Then one day I asked myself if I had to go back to my old life, could I and be happy? Just the thought of it put me into a tailspin! No way could I do that!
Once you remove something from your life you'll know how important it really is to you.
Julie
I've taken a bunch of different on line TS tests. All of them seemed to have obvious transsexual answers. And so even when I was trying to answer honestly, when I would pick the answer that felt right to me, but was one of the obvious transsexual answers, I felt like I was consciously or unconsciously skewing the test read me as a transsexual. I always was of course, but I felt like I was loading the dice, so to speak.
The two tests that I found were less biased weren't TS test intensionally, though interesting never the less.
One test asked you to type a story or message and based on sentence structure and word selection would attempt to make a determination if the person entering the message was male of female. The longer the message the more accurate was the reading. I found I could "type like a girl" and enter a message in passive voice mode that always made the program call me female. That test really wasn't telling me anything I didn't know already. I know how to use phrases and sentence structure that are either masculine or feminine. I prefer, of course, to use the feminine mode.
The other test was more telling, at least to me. There was a test that had you answer various multiple choice questions and then it made a prediction whether or not you were female. The interesting point of this test was that the program was heuristic, meaning that it "learned" what where male and female responses. When the program was first started it had no idea what was male and what was female. When you completed the test, it would guess whether or not you were male of female. And then ask you if it guessed right. Hopefully the majority of people answered truthfully. When I took the test a couple thousand people had already taken the test and it claimed it was over 95% accurate.
The interesting part to all this was the questions were almost nonsensical in that they had no obvious male or female answer. Questions like "If you had to ship a package oversees, would you choose to send it by air or sea?"
I took the test a couple of times and every time it guessed I was a female. I found I could not convince the program to guess that I was male.
That's when it started to dawn on me that I was truly transsexual and that my crossdressing days were over. Well actually I had to come to grips that I had been crossdressing as a male all my life.
That's when my life started to really make sense.
-Sandy
Sandy,
Do you have a URL to the hueristic test? I'm sure that many of us would be interested in taking it.
Cindi
Also the message test - I'd really like to try that one out.
I've actually taken the heuristic one, but lost the URL. :(
I found the link. Here's the link to a topic here where a bunch of people took the test:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2241.0.html
Melissa
I just took the test again. It still thinks that I am a woman.
It's right, of course, just checking.
-Sandy
Quote from: Tinkerbell on December 31, 2006, 12:48:41 AM
There is this exercise which everyone who is transsexual should do. Grab your heart (metaphorically.. ;D), put it on your right hand, look into the mirror and say "I am a woman or a man (for FTM's)"...if you truly believe that and are willing to transition without any excuses whatsoever...and by transition...I mean the works, hormones, hair removal, name change, RLE, SRS....unless you have a life-threatening medical condition that prevents you from doing so......then you are REALLY transsexual.
tinkerbell :icon_chick:
Then, in that case, I REALLY am a transsexual!
Thing is, I and many others have felt not entitled to the label of "woman" (I don't know if any F2Ms feel that way about the label "man") because of not having grown up in the female role and not having the anatomy. Maybe there is a divide among us M2Fs between those who have always insisted "I am a girl" and those who always secretly felt "I should have been a girl". Or maybe I was just really impressionable when I was a kid and they told me I was a boy, I believed that real boys were all like me (surprise!). Anyway, if a possible M2F can't quite look eirself in the mirror and say "I am a woman!" I don't think that necessarily should rule out transition.
My $.02 :)
Hi umop. Like you, I always believed other boys thought like I did (despite how obviously contrary it was). However, I now see myself as a woman. I never was a man. I don't need any tests to tell me or anything. Seeing yourself that way is a product of self acceptance. If it helps, maybe you could view yourself as a transsexual woman for now, but still a woman.
Melissa
Quote from: umop ap!sdn on January 03, 2007, 10:47:39 AM
Anyway, if a possible M2F can't quite look eirself in the mirror and say "I am a woman!" I don't think that necessarily should rule out transition.
Sure, of course not. "Woman" to me also implies a history, a past earning the label. Like it'd be kinda odd to call yourself a "soldier" just because you "feel like one" without ever picking up a rifle. The label implies a certain experience, not just a feeling. The first thought I have whenever I refer to myself as a "woman" is seeing two billion genetic women, all of whom have endured something of a second-class citizenship all their lives, looking at me and saying,
"You MUST be joking? How DARE you claim kinship in our sisterhood without first LIVING it, dealing with it, suffering the pains and the joys..."My therapist *insists* I have a problem with self-worth, lol... hmmm...
Kate
Quote from: Kate on January 03, 2007, 11:27:27 AM
The first thought I have whenever I refer to myself as a "woman" is seeing two billion genetic women, all of whom have endured something of a second-class citizenship all their lives, looking at me and saying, "You MUST be joking? How DARE you claim kinship in our sisterhood without first LIVING it, dealing with it, suffering the pains and the joys..."
The thing is, by declaring yourself a woman, you are also say that you are willing live it, deal with it and suffer all the pains and experience all the joys. :) Truth be told, many women welcome you with open arms into their sisterhood.
Melissa
QuoteHow to tell if you are a transsexual...
Another clue: if you're doctor just called you with your first post-HRT blood test results... and they're absolutely *perfect*... and you start to cry uncontrollably and shake so bad with RELIEF and utter JOY after being terrified all week that something would be wrong so you couldn't continue...
You MIGHT be transsexual :)
Kate
Quote from: Kate on January 03, 2007, 11:27:27 AM
Sure, of course not. "Woman" to me also implies a history, a past earning the label. Like it'd be kinda odd to call yourself a "soldier" just because you "feel like one" without ever picking up a rifle. The label implies a certain experience, not just a feeling. The first thought I have whenever I refer to myself as a "woman" is seeing two billion genetic women, all of whom have endured something of a second-class citizenship all their lives, looking at me and saying, "You MUST be joking? How DARE you claim kinship in our sisterhood without first LIVING it, dealing with it, suffering the pains and the joys..."
My therapist *insists* I have a problem with self-worth, lol... hmmm...
Kate
I had to work through this myself, Kate. How could I *presume* to call myself a woman when I had no physical attributes of a woman nor the history.
But for me everything I had done up to the time I took my first estradiol shot was pretending. I was pretending to be female because I would wear woman's clothes, I was pretending because I would feel *naughty* by wearing panties under my clothes. I realized that I could no longer pretend. I realized that I really was a woman in a man's body. And that pretending would no longer be enough. I had to be true to myself. That's when the clothes stopped being the issue to me. Being who I am became important.
Now for the first time in my life I feel incredibly *normal*.
Also I read a post on another list from a GG that basically said that many born women take their gender for granted. The trans woman, on the other hand, has to fight and go through hell barefoot to be able to declare themselves female. Anyone who is willing to go through all that then deserves the designation "female".
Also I don't use female monikers like gurl, or ->-bleeped-<-. Those to me are terms that also sound like pretending. I prefer to refer to myself as a woman with a transsexual condition.
Sorry if I got on the soapbox a little bit, there. And I certainly don't mean to imply that anyone else's approach to their condition is better or worse than mine. We're all coming at this from different ways.
But I too have my self esteem issues, and this is my way of dealing with them.
-Sandy
Quote from: Melissa on January 03, 2007, 11:01:11 AM
However, I now see myself as a woman. I never was a man. I don't need any tests to tell me or anything. Seeing yourself that way is a product of self acceptance. If it helps, maybe you could view yourself as a transsexual woman for now, but still a woman.
Melissa
This was my point with the little exercise (well, actually my therapist's exercise) It actually had nothing to do with believing that you are a "GG", having a history of womanhood or anything of that nature; as Melissa pointed out, your acknowleging that you are a woman (or a man) is the result of so many years of living in the wrong body and gender role....the breaking point where "you see yourself" in the mirror and say: "no more, this is it,", the moment when you accept yourself, the moment when you acknowledge that you have been a walking lie all this time, and perhaps the moment of the beginning of your transition. ;)
Thank you Melissa :)
Quote from: KassandraBut for me everything I had done up to the time I took my first estradiol shot was pretending. I was pretending to be female because I would wear woman's clothes, I was pretending because I would feel *naughty* by wearing panties under my clothes. I realized that I could no longer pretend. I realized that I really was a woman in a man's body. And that pretending would no longer be enough. I had to be true to myself. That's when the clothes stopped being the issue to me. Being who I am became important.
Now for the first time in my life I feel incredibly *normal*.
I am happy for you Kassandra. When the guilt disappears from our hearts and we are just left with that wonderful reality that we are indeed women, that is when the fun starts... ;)
tinkerbell :icon_chick:
I seem to have suffered all my life being a woman, not in the sense of GG's but in the sense that I had to fight all my life to be the woman I am today, and even now I know that there are battles ahead. And lets get one thing perfectly clear, not every woman has a history of being a second class citizen, or even considers themselves to be second class citizens. Many only adopt that position or claim after being told that they are by feminists or men. Todays woman is a force to be reckoned with.
Steph
Quote from: Steph on January 04, 2007, 10:25:34 AM
Todays woman is a force to be reckoned with.
Steph
AMEN to that sister!
-Sandy
When after a few months of HRT you take your top and bra off stare in the mirror and cry.
Cry that finally things are being made right and at that you moment know that everything is only going to get better, words cannot describe that feeling.
Hmmm.....now how did you know what was on my mind just now?
Am I a transsexual? Like an echo, I ask the same thing all too often....'am.....I.....?'
After enough thought, and pondering just what have I done to myself, and why, my super heroine comes to the rescue.
She says, 'of course you are! How many times will you question it? If you were not ts, then you would be the same as you were before.....ready to come out of your own skin. Would you be happier to go back?'
......Go back?.........a chill runs down my spine. That's when I know she's right, my super heroine, my wife.
if you've lived 35 years of your life in complete agony, that's a very good indication that you're transexual.
Hi there!
I think that most ->-bleeped-<-s experience sexual arousal from wearing female under garments and such, while transsexuals just feel as though they're wearing the proper clothing to accomodate their gender. This is the conventional difference.
Having stated that, I've always felt both!
So what's wrong with being a "transvesexual" or a "transextite"?
Kisses...
Well.....took the test and it thinks I'm a woman. What a surprise. Now all I have to do is become one. So easily said.
But first I need to get over the losses I will incur from my past life and unconditionally accept myself. Every week I get closer through all of your inspiration and in the work with my therapist. I can't wait to start HRT and get some peace.
What a battle we all face. The strength that you all show is out of this world.
God bless,
Kylie
When I took the COGIATI, it was from a link a friend sent me, and I honestly didn't know what it was lol! I thought it was just another personality test (albeit with really strange questions), you know the ones "youre a typical Scorpio, so spend some money this week and try not to brood" etc etc.
When it came back 4, almost 5, I was like
oh
my
god
I understand now that it's not the most scientific of approaches, but for me it provided the push to finally take action. I don't really see a need to further test myself, as I know what's inside better than anyone, and I imagine there will be some tests etc involved later in therapy anyhow. It seems that maybe we are really afraid of not who we are, but of the transition and process that the truth makes us face. It's daunting. Perhaps we turn to tests and quizzes in an attempt to rationalize or prove that it isn't so; and wer'e just sick and need a pill.
Not this girl, no way jose.
Just my thoughts
~Mandy~
QuoteThere is this exercise which everyone who is transsexual should do. Grab your heart (metaphorically.. ), put it on your right hand, look into the mirror and say "I am a woman or a man (for FTM's)"...if you truly believe that and are willing to transition without any excuses whatsoever...and by transition...I mean the works, hormones, hair removal, name change, RLE, SRS....unless you have a life-threatening medical condition that prevents you from doing so......then you are REALLY transsexual.
Yep I am one too.
Oh and welcome to Traci. She the new girl here.
Would you introduce yourself on the https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/board,8.0.html (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/board,8.0.html) Introductions Forum so that we can get to know you better. Oh and when I first began to wear female clothing I got aroused but it doesn't happen very often now and I do hate it when it does.
Jillieann