Hello, I'm entirely new here and rather shy about things at the moment. I'm a 44 year old male and I have never thought of myself as gay. I was married once for a few years but it didn't work out. I've been terribly frightened of relationships ever since, and to the point of not dating at all in the last 8 years. I've always felt somewhat un comfortable with my body and I associated more with the girls at school then other boys. To the point my older sisters both insinuated that I might be gay. When I was 12 years old I found myself at home alone often with Mom and Dad working and two older sisters involved in they're own lives. I found myself interested in women things clothing makeup dolls almost everything that one wouldn't suspect a young boy to be interested in.
I tried on cloths belonging to mom and carefully put them away after so no one would notice. At that time my sisters both of whom are older then I began a joking insinuation that I might be gay, which both embarrassed and frightened me.
My parents are both old world and the thought of how my father would react to me if I should say that I felt as if I was born in the wrong body horrified me.
That stopped me from continuing to experiment with woman's cloths. At that point I endeavored to do everything masculine I could I began fishing a lot signed up for some sports got my dad to put me in boxing class. Of which the only thing I enjoyed was fishing and I am certain it was simply because it didn't require me to be around large groups of other boys.
As I grew up I learned to hide my feelings and thoughts well until I turned 30 when I slipped into a deep and lasting depression, I entertained suicide at one time but couldn't do it. I saw the doctor and was told I had chronic depression and was borderline bipolar. At that point I was prescribed drug after drug to stabilize my depression, not much of it worked. Still fear of ridicule or what ever keeps me from admitting I feel trapped in the wrong body, my family are very old fashioned. I look at myself in the mirror and see someone else. I have a fairly strong male face and wide shoulders from working in the metal and trucking industries I'm not shapely at all and fear that even if I do eventually undergo a transition. That I simply won't be presentable as a woman. To be quite frank I've isolated myself for several years now. Insulating myself from friend and family. Debilitated by depression and un able to find a way to effect the changes I feel would help me be me. I stay home only attending mandatory type family events.
I have taken many brain sex tests on the internet trying to confirm to myself anything. Over whelming they come out saying I have a female brain. It's a confirmation of my feelings to myself.
So for the first time in my life I am saying to someone publically, whom ever reads this. I think I'm a woman trapped in a man's body.
It feels good to let that out.
Thanks Glenn.
Welcome aboard.
Dont think that transition cant do phenominal changes to a person.
Me right before I started HRT and beard removal.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi13.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fa300%2Fcandiussell%2Ffam%2Fpicture034.jpg&hash=555d7106d7650c8558e62630b16205363f984dbc)
Me after a year of HRT and facial hair removal.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi13.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fa300%2Fcandiussell%2Ffam%2FCyndi10-18-10.jpg&hash=3aee612023d6fed85425af0ec255e0481d84f42d)
Here is a side by side of me. (in the female pic I am only at 8 or 9 months HRT)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi13.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fa300%2Fcandiussell%2Ffam%2Ffullshotcompare.jpg&hash=cb1cdb5c96daa41def576e917c6d497c81181f25)
Thank you and that's most encouraging. The photos are particularly re assuring, I do hope to see other encouraging replies. How brave you are Cynthialee. I hope someday that I might be brave enough to take the first step and walk the full path.
Hi Glenn, :icon_wave:
Welcome to our little family. Over 4400 strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion.
Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams. Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.
But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another member. :icon_hug:
And be sure to check out these links ( MUST READS )
- Site Terms of Service and rules to live by (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html)
- Standard Terms and Definitions (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,54369.0.html)
- Post Ranks ( including when you can upload an avatar) (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,114.0.html.)
- Reputation Rules (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,18960.msg146855.html#msg146855)
Sexuality and gender Identity are two different issues. And as Cynthia said HRT can make changes you would not believe. As you can see here, https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,80658.msg630143.html#msg630143. (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,80658.msg630143.html#msg630143.)
Hugs and Love,
Janet
:angel:Thank you so much Jennifer, Janet Lynn and Cynthialee.
You're re assuring words and helpful inspirational photos go along way to helping me. All of you are lovely
people. I feel a little better about myself for the first time in ages.
But a joke line keeps running through my mind.
"And he's off like a herd of turtles!"
and indeed I suppose I am, I now know that I have to begin researching details. I live in Ontario Canada and I am not sure what public, provincial or federal help Canada provides. Then there is still the issue of Family, Long lived parents in they're 90's and still doing well. {thank goodness} that have Recently moved into the apartment directly across the hall from my own. So that I might better be able to care for they're daily needs.
Yes that's another issue. I have two older sister both involved in they're own lives with children and grand children of they're own so the title of elderly care giver falls to me. No complaint from me but it will make it hard for me to live consistently wearing woman's cloths.
So I for see many hurdles to jump in the future and as I have plodded through life thus far I must still plod on at a turtles pace. Learn what I can and make friends among my new family of like minded ladies. I hope to also continue to receive inspiration from here and all of you as I sprint forward in slow motion to the goal of self realization and completion.
Hugs Glenn.
An aptly worded description of transition if I ever saw one.
QuoteI sprint forward in slow motion to the goal of self realization and completion.
Welcome to the site Glenn :icon_wave:
:) Thank you all for the warm welcome.
My Mind seems to be spinning a little today. I got up did the normal making coffee as per normal mom popped over for her morning cup. We chatted about the day. She informed me she wanted a ride to the farm for eggs. I offered to make pancakes for them when dad wakes up. All the time thinking to myself, asking myself. Should I tell mom or wait a while longer?
Of course the pancakes turned out well and everyone enjoyed them. I didn't tell mom what I'm feeling trusting that in time I will find a way to do it at the correct moment.
Have spent sometime researching SRS and HRT for residents of Ontario. It seems like a one in a million chance that a person might be approved here. But I will continue to research things.
Yes I'm rambling, random thoughts. Sorry about that. I am yet at a stage in my mind where I am at conflict with myself over things. I don't know but I am feeling like I may be being selfish. That anything I do will effect those around me as well as myself.
Oh well it's like dancing I guess two steps forward one step back.
Hugs to all
Glenn
Hello, I now became a member of this community here and I would love to be a part of it. Just enjoy the environment here.