I've had it with all this. I've had it with my dad. Next to my sister, I am stupid and ugly. I am an embarassment to my father. My sister is beautiful, she won 1st place in a beauty contest. She has gold scholarships and is in 4th year university becoming a doctor. My dad is proud of her, I can see it. But he's not proud of me. He's ashamed of me. He doesn't know about me wanting to be a boy yet so I don't know how that will turn out, but I am sick of it. I want him to call me "son"! I want people to respect me and not give me pity for being weak like right now, I hate it! I have never wanted to be seen as male so much before, but this has been going on for forever. Months. Maybe even years, it's all a blur so I can't remember exactly when I started having these feelings. Well I'm sure most of you recognize me from all my many other posts. I just came to rant. I don't know when I'll have the courage to come out or even transition. At this point I don't know if it will ever happen, it's all just a fantasy right now. I have so much dysphoria (I don't cut) but I have suicide thoughts. I decided a therapist would be best (for my transgendered feelings) would it help to talk to a family doctor first though and ask them if they can direct me to a gender therapist? I'm trying to take baby steps in all this but it's so overwhelming. Would going to see a family doctor help at all? I'm not sure exactly what to do. Help??!
Never turn your back on the one person you can really count on, Yourself. You need to do what you need to do, so you are happy.
The one thing you need to remember is.
QuoteIt does not take bravery to transition. It takes fear. The fear of spending one more day in the wrong gender.
Hey Josh, I'm sorry things are rough right now. Going to your family doctor could help. He might be able to refer you to someone. If he can't and you are positive that you want to start T he might be able to give it to you with informed consent. It's probably best to go the other route but I figured I would let you know that there is another option.
As far as the rest Janet has it exactly right. I hope things start getting better for you soon. Best of luck
Quote from: Josh T on December 14, 2010, 11:13:38 PM
Would going to see a family doctor help at all? I'm not sure exactly what to do. Help??!
Yep!
Quote from: Michael Alexander on December 15, 2010, 02:01:03 AM
Hey Josh, I'm sorry things are rough right now. Going to your family doctor could help. He might be able to refer you to someone. If he can't and you are positive that you want to start T he might be able to give it to you with informed consent. It's probably best to go the other route but I figured I would let you know that there is another option.
As far as the rest Janet has it exactly right. I hope things start getting better for you soon. Best of luck
Thanks. Today's a bit better. In this program I'm in, we watched "Remember the Titans". It reminded me to stay strong. It also makes my life a lot easier knowing that my family doctor can help me out too.
You're not alone in your feelings. I'm in a very similar spot. I don't suggest coming out until you are independent. Transitioning certainly won't help your relationship with your dad.
I know what it's like to want to make your parents proud. When I was in middle school I was very over weight and sick all the time. Since I was absent all the time I was no longer the successful student or athlete my mom could brag about. She would complain about me being too fat to fit into the stylish clothes. She would even complain about my hair, which was falling out. I could only style it in one way to hide the bald spots. She sent me to therapy, not because I had issues from being ill, but because I wasn't boy crazy like she was, no wonder she had me in her teens. She has the worst judgment. The therapist wanted us to work on our relationship and we were supposed to do something together once a week, sharing our interests. Since I was trying to lose weight I had been walking at a local state park. I took her there and she complained the whole time and ended up ditching me to go on a date with some guy she had met online. To her I was just a stupid and ugly embarrassment. After my hair had finally started growing back she clipped some of it for a drug test. Then she didn't even care when she found out when I actually was.
In her 30s she started to get a lot more mature and our relationship improved. After she met my now step dad it improved even more. He is very level headed. I'm honestly shocked how much she has changed. I made the mistake of coming out to her recently. She was seriously thinking of disowning me, but she never worked up the nerve to have to talk to my step dad about it. We are pretending like it never happened. I found out a few hours ago that she told my grandparents, who I'm living with, to not let me save money because I just plan on saving up and hurting myself with it. Transitioning is definitely not going to improve our relationship. It is not going to make her respect me more.
Even if you achieve things your parents want, doesn't mean they will be proud. I showed my mom the invitation from the honor society I got and all she said was "make sure it's not scam" since there's an initiation fee. Then when I invited her to the induction she said "do you have to go?" I've always had a strong interest in medical stuff. When I told my mom I was thinking of switching majors and going to school for forensic medicine she just said "Do you really want to be in school for 8 years?"
Transitioning feels like just a fantasy to me too. How I get though is trying to remain optimistic. That eventually it will get better. Right now it is possible that in the future I will be able to transition. When I feel suicidal I remind myself that if I do kill myself then I am taking away the possibility of transitioning. Then I really will never achieve my dreams.
Taking the steps to become independent and transition is very overwhelming. I suggest getting a job, if you don't already have one. Start saving. Every dollar in your bank account is another dollar towards transitioning. Working and being a full time student also can help distract you from your problems.
Hypothetically, if you do get T from your doctor. Do you have a plan for worst case scenario when your parents find out? It would be amazing if they were on board, but there is a good chance they won't be. I don't expect my mom to ever accept me, so I'm working on not wanting the conditional love my mother has for me and living to make myself proud.
Quote from: Sharky on December 15, 2010, 11:02:47 PM
You're not alone in your feelings. I'm in a very similar spot. I don't suggest coming out until you are independent. Transitioning certainly won't help your relationship with your dad.
I know what it's like to want to make your parents proud. When I was in middle school I was very over weight and sick all the time. Since I was absent all the time I was no longer the successful student or athlete my mom could brag about. She would complain about me being too fat to fit into the stylish clothes. She would even complain about my hair, which was falling out. I could only style it in one way to hide the bald spots. She sent me to therapy, not because I had issues from being ill, but because I wasn't boy crazy like she was, no wonder she had me in her teens. She has the worst judgment. The therapist wanted us to work on our relationship and we were supposed to do something together once a week, sharing our interests. Since I was trying to lose weight I had been walking at a local state park. I took her there and she complained the whole time and ended up ditching me to go on a date with some guy she had met online. To her I was just a stupid and ugly embarrassment. After my hair had finally started growing back she clipped some of it for a drug test. Then she didn't even care when she found out when I actually was.
In her 30s she started to get a lot more mature and our relationship improved. After she met my now step dad it improved even more. He is very level headed. I'm honestly shocked how much she has changed. I made the mistake of coming out to her recently. She was seriously thinking of disowning me, but she never worked up the nerve to have to talk to my step dad about it. We are pretending like it never happened. I found out a few hours ago that she told my grandparents, who I'm living with, to not let me save money because I just plan on saving up and hurting myself with it. Transitioning is definitely not going to improve our relationship. It is not going to make her respect me more.
Even if you achieve things your parents want, doesn't mean they will be proud. I showed my mom the invitation from the honor society I got and all she said was "make sure it's not scam" since there's an initiation fee. Then when I invited her to the induction she said "do you have to go?" I've always had a strong interest in medical stuff. When I told my mom I was thinking of switching majors and going to school for forensic medicine she just said "Do you really want to be in school for 8 years?"
Transitioning feels like just a fantasy to me too. How I get though is trying to remain optimistic. That eventually it will get better. Right now it is possible that in the future I will be able to transition. When I feel suicidal I remind myself that if I do kill myself then I am taking away the possibility of transitioning. Then I really will never achieve my dreams.
Taking the steps to become independent and transition is very overwhelming. I suggest getting a job, if you don't already have one. Start saving. Every dollar in your bank account is another dollar towards transitioning. Working and being a full time student also can help distract you from your problems.
Hypothetically, if you do get T from your doctor. Do you have a plan for worst case scenario when your parents find out? It would be amazing if they were on board, but there is a good chance they won't be. I don't expect my mom to ever accept me, so I'm working on not wanting the conditional love my mother has for me and living to make myself proud.
Part of what you said was part of my plan already. Before I transition I plan on moving out incase my dad kicks me out when I come out (which I really, REALLY hope doesn't happen). It sucks. I know my mother would have supported me (she passed away two years ago). She always supported people who were different. She also tried to get my dad to be more accepting of people like that, and raised my sister and I to think that way (of course she had no idea that I might be trans myself). I want to think my dad would still love me. My sister at least (even if not right away, even if it takes her time to get used to it I'd rather have that than have her stop talking to me)! I wish I could see into the future and see what there reactions would be so I could prepare or something.