Susan's Place Transgender Resources

This question has arisin because there is a perception that most MtF people tended to realise something was wrong, earlier than most FtM people.

Please answer carefully and in the appropriate section.

This is the section for people born with male parts but feel female.

If you haven't transisioned, or don't plan to, please still try to answer. The question is about when we realised something was wrong.

exact day was halloween 1997 :p

I'll always remember it

I voted under six because I knew from a really early age that something was "off" but I couldn't put my finger on it.  Then again I always thought all men felt they had to resign themselves to the fact that they just weren't lucky enough to have been born women.

I knew something was wrong about 7 or 8 years old,but i was 12 before i knew exactly what it was and spent a lifetime avoiding it,but at the young age of 52 i went ahead and transitioned and haven't looked back since or regretted it!!! Living life to the max as a woman!!!

I knew something was wrong very young. I didnt realize that boys and girls have diferant downstairs until I was 7 and saw my sister when my mom was changing her.

I was unable to make the conection to my dred being a boy to actually being a girl until I was 9 and saw a Phil Donahue show about transwomen. Then I knew for a fact what was wrong with me. Why I was wierd and why I had the feelings I had. After that it was 32 years of self imposed hell as I lived in the closet.

So I had my first clue at 7 but it wasnt until I was 9 I knew I was trans.

I said under 6.  Some of my earliest memories are wrapped up in it.  It's painful to think about.

I think I subconsciously knew something was off very early, but I didn't actually figure out what until I was around 10-11.  I never looked at it in this light before, but seeing that some of the FTMs packed at early ages made me remember that I did in fact try to push the downstairs bits inside me on many occasions when I was very young.  At the very least I know that I've never felt like they were supposed to be there. :(

Like Cynthia I didn't comprehend that girls and boys had different parts until I was around 8, and even then I didn't know what the differences were until later.

I was about 5 or 6 when I discovered that there was a difference between boys and girls and that was when I began wondering when I would no longer have those boy parts.

I voted under six. I of course didn't have rationality, but I didn't want to be with the boys, and wanted to be with the girls.

Incidentally, I have a colleague with an 18 month boy. Over the last six weeks or so he won't allow girls to play with his toys, but boys can. So at what age does our gender ID kick in. BTW he is well loved and goes to mixed child care, and child care have a policy of no segregation of boys and girls.

Cindy

About 14 but I didn't have the language to express what was wrong so went straight through GID to Depression.  Eventually 40+ years later I have worked out why I was depressed, and am now able to do something about it.

Quote from: CindyJames on December 16, 2010, 02:08:09 AM
I voted under six. I of course didn't have rationality, but I didn't want to be with the boys, and wanted to be with the girls.

Incidentally, I have a colleague with an 18 month boy. Over the last six weeks or so he won't allow girls to play with his toys, but boys can. So at what age does our gender ID kick in. BTW he is well loved and goes to mixed child care, and child care have a policy of no segregation of boys and girls.

Cindy

I don't know that his actions have anything to do with gender identity.  Self awareness of gender differences is usually tied into social situations so I would consider it a dynamic age range of when they're first able to comprehend the biological differences between boys and girls.  Until they understand there are two genders (classically speaking) everything would be genderless otherwise.  Such things as pink is for girls is actually a social construct.

It is regan.

The problem is framing a single question.

The point was to look at the differeing experiences between FTM and MTF. So, that means two threads. But there are other issues as well, those of us who need full transision, those who've acheived it, those who seek androgyn, those who cross dress.

Each of these is bound to have differing experiences.

But the poll system is limited and I was trying to work within that. If a decent questionare becomes available, on the net, which will allow different secondary questions to be posed, depending upon the initial responses, then hopefully we can do that.

Thank you for taking oart. Hopefully more Susans' members will also

4th Grade, told a female friend that I wanted to be a girl.

Quote from: spacial on December 16, 2010, 08:34:32 AM
It is regan.

What is?

In regards to everything else, I'd posted somewhere else that FtMs have more lattitude in (cross)gender expression.  Socially speaking, MtFs don't have as wide of a spectrum within to express themselves before a gender identity based label applies.

As I read my own words, I'm not expressing myself clearly enough.  In simpler terms, a birth assigned female can express masculine traits and find acceptance in the "tomboy" label.  The closest analogy that birth assigned males have is "metrosexual".  There is far greater lattitude in which to express a tomboy identity without it being a "gender identity" vs the narrow band a "metrosexual" can express his feminine side before it socially becomes a gender identity.

For that reason FtMs are able to publicly explore their gender expression over a longer period of time before transgender labels begin to define their self expression.

About 3 or 4 when I was first really conscious of the difference between men and women. It started with a belief that i'd grow up like mum but became more painful when I realised it wouldn't happen. But it did ;D

I realized something was wrong when I was 5 maybe earlier 4 maybe.. ... I kept wondering why everyone would get upset about me wanting to spend time with other girls... and while growing up I preferred woman's clothing but the times I was able to publicly do so was just three times but loved it but  I was made fun of a lot for it which upset me ... and I used to wish that I would wake up in the morning and be a girl and often prayed for it...

I remember staying up one Christmas eve right up to midnight when I was 5 or 6 so that I could make a wish that I would be a beautiful girl... sadly did not happen... still kept hoping that my guy parts would fall off.., and did my best to pretend they weren't there.... 

This is actually tricky...as a young child i was quite naive and didn't realise that there was a difference between girls and boys...so I didn't really know something was wrong. I did however feel uncomfortable around boys my own age (especially approaching puberty) and even thought that everyone had the bits I had downstairs and they'd just shrivel up and drop off as I got older. It wasn't until around 12/13 when i finally hit puberty that i realised something was wrong because i wasn't growing breasts.

7-12 for me. At least that is the first time I remember but I suspect it was earlier. All of my closest friends were girls, even at that age.

It was before I started kindergarten, which was at age 5.  I didn't think I was a girl - only that I should be a girl and that I'd fit into the world better as a girl.  I remember it quite clearly.  It must have been when I realized that girls and boys fit into society differently.

And I thought my body would just correct itself.  But darn it, I got tired of waiting and had to go to some doctors to correct it. >:(

- Kate :)

Quote from: regan on December 16, 2010, 07:51:59 AM
I don't know that his actions have anything to do with gender identity.  Self awareness of gender differences is usually tied into social situations so I would consider it a dynamic age range of when they're first able to comprehend the biological differences between boys and girls.  Until they understand there are two genders (classically speaking) everything would be genderless otherwise.  Such things as pink is for girls is actually a social construct.

Sorry for getting off topic, he allows boys to play with his toys but not girls. I just found it fascinating.

At about ten years old I had a dream where I was a girl.  Everything clicked after that.  It just felt right.  Over the next several years, I became increasingly aware that I wasn't like the other guys.  The older I became, the more obvious it was that I was more like the girls than the guys.

I only knew when something was wrong when I was told it was wrong. That "talking to" I received left me with years of shame about who I am. Can not remember really when but I was young.

Quote from: Maddie Secutura on December 15, 2010, 07:58:28 PM
I voted under six because I knew from a really early age that something was "off" but I couldn't put my finger on it...

Me too.

Also I have always been quite feminine and no matter how I was dressed, everyone thought that I was really a girl.

Even at an early age, I wanted to grow up and look like my mom and sisters. I always envied them and wanted to wear clothes like they did.

I've always been a loon. But I'd say it didn't reall hit hard until about 12 or 14. that range.

I guess it depends on how you want to define the word 'wrong.' I always thought something was wrong with me, for as long as I can remember. It wasn't until I was older did I start defining what it was, and then subsequently denying it, and it wasn't until much, much older I was able to stop denying it and accept that there really was something I could do about it.

So if the question is: When did you first recognize that you were transgender, it wasn't until I was 39.
If the question is: When did you first suspect that you had feelings that were out of the ordinary, it would have been 14.
If the question is: When did you first have these feelings, it was at around 4 or 5.

I felt like I would rather be a girl since my earliest memories, the feeling has gotten more intense since then though

Its seems as far back as I can remember. I can remember my younger brother wearing high heels and acting feminine at around 10 years old, I wanted to also to be girlish but even then I knew I would have to be the front man for the family name. BTW He finally came out as a gay when he was 20, in a community that was highly conservative and he became famous for his stance, he started a new district with the most famous club.

I was sure I was a girl until age 8. That's when I realized I had a SERIOUS problem!

I replied with the first option, since my first memories are related to that - I was probably at 4-5 years then. But, at that time I would not describe that as "something being wrong". I realised that I am actually in trouble later - before that it seemed kinda optimistic - I was expecting things to sort out or get sorted out by my parents and was enjoying myself as girl.

Oh well, I did not realised that this was a necro-thread...
Ahhh,  nevermind then.

I went with over 18 because that was when I first consciously recognized there being something wrong. I'm pretty sure though that I had the feelings in the under six range and but I quickly picked up on the fact boys were supposed to do certain things and as a kid I always really wanted to please my parents so I guess I just went along with it and repressed it really deep. Cracks started happening during my teen years where thoughts would come to the surface but no one had ever explained to me that transgender was a thing so I just told myself the thoughts were crazy and moved on. Because of that it exploded in my face one afternoon and now it can't be ignored.

I was very young.  As soon as I learned boys and girls were different and that I was a boy I was shocked and disappointed.  I was like my brother and my Dad and NOT like my sisters and my Mom???  What the heck?  After that I just kind of did my best to be the boy I learned I was but I never felt comfortable and had to learn ways to fit in and be accepted.  It worked for a looooong time, but it is becoming harder and harder every day to hide myself inside of that person - that bs ball of lies of a person who I now see as not the suit of armor i used to think he was but rather a coward I made up so as to protect myself from harms way and the cruelty of others.  That person hid and protected me but also stole me from myself for far too many years.  I've determined he's no longer required so I'm beginning to shed him.

I put down 18+ because it was only then that I recognized that my feelings were not "normal". Whatever "normal" is.

I can remember clomping around in my mothers heels, being fascinated by female clothing, being mesmerized by seeing a woman put on her lip stick, pushing my male junk up inside me and wishing it would all just go away. Back then I thought that everyone else thought the same way. You did not talk about "such things" in those days.

It was not until I was in my 20's that I started to question my thoughts and not until my 40's when I started to admit to myself that I was Trans. It has been an interesting journey since then.

Interesting survey, thank you.

Jen

A senior boy at school was riding a BSA motorbike with his girlfriend on the back,my friend said he wished he was the boy on the bike.I said nothing but wished I was the girl with her arms round his waist.I was 14

  I've been wondering a lot how my life might have turned out if I hadn't been so shy and susceptable to self-inflicted shame when I was young.

  One of my very earliest memories as a child (5-6 probably) was a visit to a thrift store with my mom.  She picked a Thomas The Tank Engine book for me, which I was certainly happy with, but when I got to choose something for myself it was a doll.  I loved and cared for that doll for a while - it was one of those with the self-closing sleeping eyes and I'd dutifully put her to bed every night.  At some point, I don't recall how, I learned that this behaviour should cause me to feel shame and I stopped.

  Another time I insisted that my mom help me try on one of here bras, which I stuffed for realism, and then proudly marched around the house for a bit and showed it off to my dad.  They took it as just a silly kid's joke but I got the impression they were a bit uncomfortable.

  Any related behaviour subsequently was buried until it would resurface stronger at the start of puberty.  A cycle of on and off repression would continue until 35 when I finally came to grips with the whole thing.  I think I've only now developed the personal strength to fully be myself.  Had I begun transition at a young age it may actually have been emotionally and socially disastrous.

Under six. I don't ever remember a time where I didn't feel and think of myself as completely female, ever. I remember living in my home in Ohio and laying it bed and falling asleep thinking about being a girl, and we moved out of there when I was 5 (which is also around the start of my memories). It only intensified as the years went on, and I remember I developed coping mechanisms. I remember little girl me being 7 years old and getting in the car to go to church and thinking "I AM a girl, I'm just the only one in my family that knows it". That gave me a lot of comfort and that's just how I conducted myself from there on.

It's funny, because I never even vaguely felt this would go away, and when I was little, I *knew* I would HAVE to end up as a girl one day (even before I *heard* of transitioning). It has always been one of *the* most fundamental and integral aspects of my identity, and something that is constantly with me, every second of every day, and always has been.

Also, I decided I desperately wanted to transition at 16 but didn't have the guts to talk to my parents about it. I am sad I did not, and I remember the feeling that this was obtainable, but just not for me was the most crushing feeling imaginable. But I am happy to finally have started HRT 1 month after my 18th birthday, and have decided to not look back at time wasted :)

Under six when I realized I had a little more down there than other girls. Most probably late 3 or early 4 years old. I just remember how bad it felt.

Funny story: when I was about 8 years old I saw a news story about how the water was turning male frogs into females, somehow, and I decided to start drinking massive amounts of water from there on, in the hopes it would turn me into a girl, lolz XD Just recently my mom and I were talking about how I don't like pop (because she does) and she was like "No, you always drank water, I remember even when you were little, you drank TONS of it".

I put "over 18" because that's when I stopped suppressing it. I do remember always being told to "not do (that) or (this), because people will think you're a girl" ever since very young, like 5 or 6. Beyond that, I couldn't say.

I remember spending a lot of time playing in my mum's clothes and shoes and wearing lipstick and nailpolish til I was about 10 and started getting the message that it wasn't cute anymore.I realized people really had a problem with me being myself when I was 16 and the Principal dragged me into his office and told me to cut my hair and nails,because teachers couldn't work out if I was a boy or a girl. :)

At 13 years, when I fully recognized the boy/girl differences, I was an only child, very introvert so it took some time to be confronted with that difference. I was confused, I wanted to look like a girl and even I began to envy them. Then I have to suppress my feelings to be accepted by society :(. And I am pobably non-binary now in my 28 age, but I have an urge to change my body to have more feminine features.

i chose under 6, because i began to act out by cross dressing around 5. it just felt right. honestly, i didn't know that i was different really at that time, so technically i didn't know something was really wrong until 10+. but i think i answered your intended question correctly

There were some inconsistencies going on pretty much ever since I was born, which my mom is now telling me that she always noticed, namely my more feminine social behavior. But since the question is not about when these "symptoms" actually started showing up, but rather when I noticed them myself, that answer would be at about age 13. As a kid, I didn't really care. I was myself, and I didn't really have much of a concept of gender beyond the traditional stereotypes. And since I didn't have many stereotypically feminine interests, I didn't really have any reason to question.

Middle school was when things RAPIDLY changed. While boys and girls are pretty much physically the same as kids, they start rapidly diverging at puberty. And that was when I started feeling like what I had was wrong, and that I should be a girl instead. Thinking about my voice changing, and having a male sex drive, and getting more buff, and being forced to wear loose baggy shapeless male clothing all really started getting to me. (Unfortunately, though, it wasn't until age 27 that I discovered that I could actually do something about it.)

I felt DIFFERENT pretty much since the ages of 3 or 4.

Here I'm highlighting different, because I don't see anything that's 'wrong' about being trans. I don't see it as an issue or problem. It's just a difference, a variation, it's still natural and doesn't make me or anyone else here any less of a human being.

I can remember playing with other kids, though I can't remember whether it was doctors and nurses or families or whatever, all I know it was some sort of role. The difference was that when we all went home the other kids stopped playing. I didn't.

I played because I didn't know who I was. At 12 I thought that I might be female, at 17 I was pretty much sure but still sceptical. I've arrived at who I am by way of a process of elimination and experimentation. 

I was very similar to you, Carrie, when I knew something was "wrong" and not having a full concept of my gender until later on.

Although I can remember back as early as 2nd grade (7 or 8 yrs old) playing games with myself wishing/praying/hoping to wake up with a girl's body. At some point it switched to wishing I had a body that I could change at will and it was always about the curvature / overall body shape. I was so fascinated by seeing my body with female curves. It completely engulfed me mentally at times, but I still went along with being a boy.

It wasn't until I was about 12 when I started padding my hips in public that I realized there was something wrong. I also knew after my first experience being witnessed that I would never be able to ignore that inner feeling, whatever it was. It was the only way I could make myself feel slightly corrected physically.

But I tried to ignore it anyway, until I finally put everything together with my first experience crossdressing at 25. That's when the snow atop the mountain slowly started to get heavy. The gender avalanche was imminent. 28 hit and heaven poured down the mountain. At that point there was nothing I could do to stop it.

Quote from: Jennygirl on June 23, 2013, 04:32:30 AM
.....wishing/praying/hoping to wake up with a girl's body. At some point it switched to wishing I had a body that I could change at will....

I want to thank you for sharing all of that. i can really relate to your whole post , but i thought i may have been the only one who did this. for 2 years straight i would include some form of this in my prayers every night, often in tears. it feels good to know i'm not alone

I knew something was wrong around 1st grade because I wanted to play with the girls.  I ended up getting bullied for it and had to change schools.  I conformed after that.

I didn't truly recognize what was "wrong" until I had turned 19.

12 years old but looking back there were hints that I started feeling a little different earlier but 12 when is when I realized exactly what it was

I remember knowing at 3, I tried telling my mom at 5 and was dismissed, I kept informing her and still they were shocked when I finally transitioned at 23

Quote from: vegie271 on August 11, 2013, 11:48:09 AM

I kept informing her and still they were shocked when I finally transitioned at 23

That was actually quite comforting to read. Sometimes, I did wonder, what would have happened if I insisted. I guess the answer is "Nothing would have changed".

Quote from: -Emily- on August 12, 2013, 02:38:40 AM
That was actually quite comforting to read. Sometimes, I did wonder, what would have happened if I insisted. I guess the answer is "Nothing would have changed".

I guess it depends on the parents - mine were fundamentalists & quite in denial about everything - I even tried suicide and they even told me to hide that, they even had us hide my half brothers epilepsy from everyone even though it was something people should know about for safety

Not until puberty. Before that I was a little jealous of girls for being girls, but I got over it until my body started becoming more masculine.

I was 11 (6th grade) smoking a cigarette under a bridge on a stop during my walk home from school.  I was severely depressed and said it out loud, "I want to be a girl." I finished my smoke and walked home.

Second memory was noticing a very petite boy about the same time and I said to myself "if I was as short as him, I would totally do it" (meaning transition). That was the same year.

Third memory was in 7th grade athletics and I saw a naked boy who had started puberty.  I was so shocked I cried.  I was afraid that would happen to me soon.  :(

Then the Internet was invented in college and here I am... An X'er stuck in the middle with life, responsibility, love and all of its complications...

This is a tough question to answer because I didn't know what was wrong for most of my life, but something definitely wasn't clicking for me. I had an identity issue and a gender issue, but it took a long time for me to put the two together and realize they were the same thing.

I chose "under 6" because when I was little (pre school-kindergarten age) I only played with girls and we would take off our clothes, so I was familiar with girl parts and I didn't want my boy parts. But it wasn't distressing to me until later in life. At that age it was just an early taste of feeling different and unhappy with my body.

On the other hand, it became a problem when I went out on my own and no longer had my parents to take care of me. My inability to live even some semblace of a life came as a bit of a shock. I was completely non-functional. That's when I knew something was wrong.

But looking back, I realize I always knew. So I guess it's either a question of when did it start or when did you realize it.

Anyway, I chose "under 6" because the feelings go back as far as I can remember. Even if I didn't understand them at the time.

I chose "under six" since as far back as I can remember I never felt like a boy. I remember being like 4 years old dressing up and painting my nails with my Mom's nail polish. As I grew I noticed the difference between boys and girls and always wondered why I didn't have parts like girls did. Then around 12 or so I would wish upon a star to wake up as a girl. I always (kinda like now) just did what was normal and did guy stuff with the guys like any other normal guy trying to fit in. I didn't know until I was about 16 when i discovered what SRS is that I could really be a girl but was too afraid to step out of what I felt as being safe from ridicule.

Now though it doesn't seem so bad and I'm finally doing little things at a time that I've always wanted to do and a lot of the time with a couple of my girlfriends it's so much fun it's like I missed out on so much and what they experienced 10 years ago I am finally.