Where to start? i came so very close to leaving life yesterday. i never do heroin, but yestrday i did a blast that had me teetering on death. life does not come with an eraser attached. there is no erasing of ones mistakes. Unless fatal, mistakes provide us with the chance t grow. as long as we are able to first recognize we have made a mistake, which i i can and have. more important though, is being able to identify the lesson AND learning from it. i dont think i have been able to so far. i am blessed, surely. i am semi-attractive, getting ok hrt results. im skinny, i m not losing my hair. why then do i still partake in self destructive thngs? i am completly at loss. one of these times im affraid ill go to far. i think deep down i want to be destroyed. i must. someone made a comment about being jealous of my boobs. why do i like that, i live to be envied. what kind of person am i? if i were to answrr that i would say a piece of crap........
Kitty... I've been worried about you for some time. You seem terribly unhappy, and as you note, there seems to be a self-destructive streak in you. If you are not in counseling, I would suggest you find some way to get some. I don't know what you situation is, but if you can't afford a therapist, perhaps there is a mental hospital funded by the state, or some sort of program you can take advantage of. I hope you don't take this as an insult, I am truly worried. This BB can offer support, but can't help you with the sorts of problems you write about here. Only a good therapist can do that. Please consider this.
Therapist huh? i agree. As far as mental hospital is concerned, they only inject you with somethig and if need be strap you down till you become comfortably numb. wow, mental hospital. i can inject myself. wow, mental hospital.. no not for me love! hell if i cant get through it positively, cant overcome then i have two options and in my eyes only two. First, do myself outright. im cool. not my style outright. the other option is to get back in the fast lane and live to the fullest! screw it right
Drugs and alcohol don't help us face our problems. It only causes one to escape and then only for awhile. You get addicted and then you go down hill. You become the crack whore on the corner, that could not get a date if she had a T-bone steak around her neck.
Mental health Hospitals are not like they show in films and TV. They are there to help. Find some one to help. And remember you wanted to go the school. What about those dreams?
Your funny. First of all i dont watch tv. second i know from multiple experiences how mental hospitals are, been there done that. anf unless i am physivally unable im still going to school but even that is not a dream. its a financial fallback plan. furthermore, for you all toi say i neef a mental hospisl is , whatever. kma
Quote from: superkitty036 on December 18, 2010, 11:54:18 AM
someone made a comment about being jealous of my boobs. why do i like that, i live to be envied. what kind of person am i? if i were to answrr that i would say a piece of crap........
You do have a number of issues to deal with kitty. But this one I can help you with right now.
I doubt there is anyone alive who doesn't enjoy being envied in some way. Few of us will admit it of course, but all of us take some pride in what we have and try to maintain a certain cool when others admire it.
'Oh, this old thing, it's nothing really', while in reality we are silently singing.
But you seem to have gotten yourself into a habit of disliking yourself for having the same pleasures.
Do you understand?
I would love to help, but I am at a loss. Your issues seem complicated and I think you need professional advice for them. If money is an issue, try finding one of those psychologists that are at university and are practicing at low costs under their teachers' supervision.
Hi Kitty
Don't make life so hard for yourselve.
going to new addictions is no solution, and you know that.
if you write your sentences are considered, so you're not stupid, don't do stupid things, please find help and don't destroy yourselve.
OOhh honey, I'll hope you'll take that advice.
love
annette
I lived in a bag of dope for a long time. I lived a life of depravity and I am now paying the price for those early choices.
I have some serious health issues among them HIV that I can directly link to excess.
What do you think can pull you out of this?
We can help but you have to work with us.
Life is worth living. Even when you are busted up on the insides and disease ridden one can find life and its joys to be worth living.
But that bag is not living. It is being a zombie. But you already know that.
Don't be a zombie. Stay clean and embrace life. If you don't you might end up like me. Druged to the gils and at a fraction of my prior mental acumen just too survive.
Sorry guys (not gender intended) i should have stared in the movie Jackass. thanks to you all. bam just like that im all bubbkly again. i am ashamed of myself for whining, cuz whining is not who i am. i tackle things head on, usually. The lessonn i learned is that when things get hard in my head, i will find another way to vent.
8) superkitty036
Guess what? Ego and needing to be noticed. We all got it. we all live it at times and we all want to be admired and thought of as pretty.
So you are not alone dear.
you are light years ahead of me.
As for drug use. Stop it, how are we all going to have a girls week at the beach if you do yourself harm with drugs!
I want to see the lot of us in bathing suits at the beach causing the boys to become indian braves with teepees!
Hugs Simone
You do not need to face things alone Hon. Your family here will always be there for you.
Major League Hugs
that's right Janet Lynn you tell her! I studders.....
Smiles winks
hugs
Simone
You are all incredible, absolutey and unbelievably marvelous peole! definite top shelf! i am honored to be guided by the people, my friends; family. i am completely honest and accurate in this
My other post, edit as follows: ...by friends and family here on susans
I'm so glad you're still with us!
You should never feel like you whine or embarrassed to talk about how you feel. Obviously, you have had an event in your life, whether you are conscious of it or not, which makes you depressed. There could also be a biological answer to that as well. When my endo took me off of hormones, he was afraid that I was depressed and the HRT was causing me to be self destructive. That was the furthest from the truth. I had other problems at the time, which he misread. Nevertheless, he did me a favor, as I have to deal with those problems first and at least this way I might still be able to have kids.
My recommendation is to find a good therapist. You should know by the second or third session if the person whom you will see is right for you. Many are not. If he/she is not, then find another.
My mother always talked negatively of psychologists / psychiatrists. If I had a dollar for every negative comment that she gave about them and how bad they are, then I might be able to rival Meg Whitman or Bill Gates financially. You can imagine my reluctance to see a therapist for the first time. They were the enemy. Period. No exception. I learned that I actually liked seeing a therapist and that I felt much better afterwards. The therapist was not good for helping me solve many problems, so maybe he was not right for me. My second therapist was terrible. Sadly, therapists are expensive.
You might also want to go somewhere, where you feel calm just by yourself and think back on your life as far back and go forward. Maybe you can write a diary. Writing might help you find what is bothering you. Maybe someone told you that you are ugly and a failure years ago and that is the problem. I definitely heard that last part quite a few times. "You will be a failure if you transition. That life is nothing but problems. It is evil. You will never find someone. That will be difficult to impossible." Maybe you heard that or something else. I do not know you, so it is hard to say what exactly is bothering you. Obviously, there is something bothering you.
The heroine is just the symptom not the cause. You have to find the cause. That will take work, self reflection, and an outside ear.
If you can even get heroin you've got a problem. It's not like anything common. It's not a party drug that's aways around. It's very specific and has a very specific group of users.
It is very easy to get heroin here. Heroin is not something ive done more thann three times in my life. speed was my doc. again thsnk all of you for such wonderful thoughts!
live to be envied?
um....ok
Sorry to hear you fell in a hole, but you are out now, so please ask for help if it looks like happening again. If you don't like hospitals, have you tried finding a self-help group like GROW or SANE that you could join locally?
Heroin? Bad news because apart from it's long term effects, you really don't know what you are actually getting. As you are certainly aware it can be any strentgh and cut with all sorts of stuff.
Don't feel like you are whining or complaining, nothing wrong with venting, and we have more reason than most people.
Hugs sis, Sandra.
Post every day so we know you're still alive. Apart from that there is nothing any of us can do. Drug use craves attention, you'll get that here. You know it's your call.
Kitty, I really think you should get help ... We all know what its like to be in a hole, I know the feeling sucks ... but we have to claw our way out ...
But heroin is very serious ... and I dont want anything bad to happen to you ...
I think justmeinoz is right ... try looking for support groups in your area ...
Its alright to vent ... venting your feelings is always good for you...
take care of yourself girl ... as I said earlier in your previous post ... I still think you deserve better ...
::hugs::
I can find heroin in any city you drop me in within a couple of hours. Most cities I could find it within a half an hour.
It isn't as rare as you think it is.