I admit, I am a glass half-empty kind of girl, but lately I have been extremely down. This is for a variety of different reasons, the largest one being that I will need to vacate my home in a little under three weeks. The divorce should be final right about then too and so everything I spent over 17 years building with my wife will be over in a flash. Right now the plan is to go to Florida to prepare for my full-time life and then back home to the New York City area to build a new life as Melody. Leaving my son is killing me, but I just can't transition here. Way too conservative and too restrictive. I feel the need to strike out on my own for awhile and discover myself too.
I am crying multiple times a day at this point. My wife is just stoic and does not seem to be the least bit upset, which only upsets me more. She mentioned yesterday that she is concerned that I don't seem happy that I am transitioning. She fears that I won't "make it" so she is detaching herself emotionally from me. She doesn't want to feel responsible should I do something to myself.
Right now I am too grief stricken about the divorce and leaving to see the silver lining. The wife also makes it difficult by taking a small dump over my little victories such as when I was mam'ed in an Apple Store yesterday. She had to mention later that she doesn't like that because she is worried that people will take us for a lesbian couple. Her homophobia and underlying conservative nature has been a major surprise. This and other incidents have had a chilling effect on my ability to take any joy from finally being me and I think I finally made her see that yesterday. I hope.
I am not sure why I am even writing this stuff except that I have few allies where I live. I feel lost. Sometimes I feel insane for even contemplating transitioning, but I won't go back now. I don't WANT to go back, but the way forward is murky and filled with the unknown and my own insecurities and fear. I know many of you have faced similar issues and I guess I just need a sympathetic ear as that is in very short supply around here. Thank you for letting me vent.
Quote from: Melody on December 29, 2010, 06:28:12 PM
The wife also makes it difficult by taking a small dump over my little victories such as when I was mam'ed in an Apple Store yesterday. She had to mention later that she doesn't like that because she is worried that people will take us for a lesbian couple.
What, two women can't go out shopping together without being lesbians? That's a new one.
Quote from: Vexing on December 29, 2010, 07:14:38 PM
What, two women can't go out shopping together without being lesbians? That's a new one.
I know, it is just her fear. I imagine it will only get worse for her when I visit after I go full-time and we will be obviously co-parenting our son. It seems to bother her being seen as a lesbian.
Hi Melody
About the comment of your wife, she is not that stoic, otherwise you don't need to say that.
Vexing is right, so two ladies shopping must be lesbians?
But, don't get down because ther is still another fight to win.
I know what I'm talking about, coz I was there in your situation many years ago and off course it's a sad situation but things will be better in time.
it's for sure transition is not an easy way but you don't have any choice, do you?
mother nature makes sometimes cruell jokes and we have to deal with it and....we will deal with it, just persist in your believe.
look at the future and your goals.
I'll hope your son will still love, respect and visit you in the future
stay strong sister, you deserve a bit of happiness, your own place under the sun on this earth
love
annette
and there is nothing wrong with lesbians,( i'm one of them) we are living in (almost) 2011 not in the 18th century, so for her there is nothing to be ashamed of
And for the record, I was in houston/galveston area 1 year ago with my wife( we have samesex marriage) and there was nobody with any comment.
why should they, we don't interfere their lifes, so nobody has the right to interfere your life.
love
annette
Yes, I still consider myself a lesbian. However, my wife is divorcing me largely because she cannot see herself in a relationship with a woman. She also fears that if she were to continue our relationship, I would eventually develop an attraction to men. So I am damned if I do and damned if I don't.
:embarrassed:
OhTay Melody, let me address this with you in a break down style.
Quote from: Melody on December 29, 2010, 06:28:12 PMIE:The wife also makes it difficult by taking a small dump over my little victories such as when I was mam'ed in an Apple Store yesterday.
I would take that as her being selfish and not liking anyone giving you an affirmation of your emergence as a woman.
Quote from: Melody on December 29, 2010, 06:28:12 PMIE:She had to mention later that she doesn't like that because she is worried that people will take us for a lesbian couple.
That might be the most preposterous statement ever made. Woman shop together all they time. They goto the powder room together, they have even been known to potty together at camp grounds with double seaters! The fact is your wife is making an excuse to cover her own insecurity!
Quote from: Melody on December 29, 2010, 06:28:12 PMI am crying multiple times a day at this point. My wife is just stoic and does not seem to be the least bit upset, which only upsets me more.
Take a deep breath and think about what you just said and then think about what she is doing. If she offers you any support or concern she would be validating what you are doing. She's not happy about what you are doing so her action of giving you the cold shoulder is her way of telling you how she feels.
Quote from: Melody on December 29, 2010, 06:28:12 PM
She mentioned yesterday that she is concerned that I don't seem happy that I am transitioning. She fears that I won't "make it" so she is detaching herself emotionally from me. She doesn't want to feel responsible should I do something to myself.
Now this part is very telling on her part. If one still cares they simply don't detach them selves. One does not become responsible by supporting someone feelings and listening to them. She's detaching herself because she wants out and can't admit it to herself yet. If she leaves she will appear to be the bad one. So she's waiting for you to make it happen.
Melody smile look in the mirror revel in your triumphs when someone calls you ma am. Be happy with your transition and yes you may become attracted to men. So what? You are becoming woman it would be natural for you to become attracted to men or just BI even.
You are a beautiful person with a heart, you have the right to be happy just like everyone else.
Don't let your wife's bitterness ruin your life!
Hugs Simone
:angel:
There's not much I can add that my sisters haven't already said, and there really is no logic that can help in this situation, so just know that I'm sending you my best cyber-hugs, Melody. I know it's not enough, but it's the best I can do. You're only a little bit ahead of me, and I'm heading down the same path with my wife. She is so far categorically against separation or divorce, but I know it's only a matter of time, this situation cannot work for her. She just hasn't yet reached the point of being able to articulate that for herself. But I can see the writing on the wall. Anyway, I wish I could offer more. Be strong, girl.
Thank you ladies. You have my sympathy Colleen. I hope you are not forced to go down the same path.
Simone, my wife is a bundle of contradictions. I think your analysis is mostly correct, but she is not entirely unsuportive. She has helped buy me clothes and cosmetics. She has encouraged me to see myself as a woman and has repeatedly said that I pass very well. But at the end of the day, I do think you are right that she resents and does not approve of what I am doing. She also is not afraid to say that she wants out as she filed for divorce.
I will do my best to find my place in the sun.
Hi Melody,
Sorry you are down. Your wife appears to be putting up the barriers to protect herself and her opinions and you are starting a to feel the emotional effect of HRT. Keep a diary of the positives and negatives - transition journal. Count the victories, you already have many. Don't count the cost, why bother? This is a journey that we do not have choices over. Remember even if you told your wife that you were going back to male presentation, she would never believe you anyway. And you know that you can't as well. So forward is the way. If need be remind her of your victories your desires and your dreams. The happiness that you will finally have and the loss she will feel. Nasty but we have to grow.
Hugs Darling
Cindy
Thanks Cindy. You are definitely right about concentrating on the positive. I have never contemplated going back because as you say I will only be ultimately happy if I continue on my current path. I don't know if I can do to her what you describe, but I am getting tired of taking the abuse. I feel very much alone in this.
I think I was too harsh. I think I was meaning more of reminding her of success's, as in getting Ma'amed, she used that as a smite. You could have pointed out the different point. No dear they don't think we are lesbians, just two woman shopping, that sort of thing.
I've been lucky in some ways but I'm learning to be fiercely protective of myself, I have nothing to be ashamed about and nothing that should make me be treated with less respect than any other woman. If someone says to me 'are you some sort of ->-bleeped-<-got' I reply, "why are you cruisin?'. I have reported shop assistants to the management for calling me sir when I'm obviously not; she was fired and the store gave me the item free of charge and laid down guidelines for treating TG customers; including giving advice to customers of which changing rooms to use. Incidentally, I learned from an assistant in the store, who I'm friendly with, is that management went nuts. They are a big national store and they knew exactly what would happen if the story got out to the GLTG community.
Smaller stores I've never had any problems beyond, can you try it on for size here rather than bringing it back? Shoe stores the same.
I suppose my long winded reply is that you celebrate the victories and let people know. If your wife wants you to fall on your face to prove her 'point' make damn sure you show as politely as you can that you are winning. And BTW you are.
Few know this road. No 'normal' gendered person has a clue. That is why it is so hard to describe to them; and for them to accept.
Men are often the funniest; they totally cannot believe why you want penis and testicles removed, and to get a rack ::).
I was at dinner with a GG friend and we were chatting, and she suddenly, mid conversation, said 'why would anyone want to be a guy?' Followed on by,' I'm talking to you about stuff that Tom (her partner) will never talk about. He runs away from these topics. Why? It's so obvious you are a woman.' Then back to talking about stuff.
I think she totally accepted Cindy at that point in time.
Sorry for the off topic reply but I thought it may be useful to explain some of my reasons.
Hugs
Cindy
Hi Melody
Simone and Cindy took the words right out of my heart but because I'm not a native English speaker I can't found the phrase's like they do but reading it I say yes...these are the right words, so what I'm trying to say is ..I totally agree with them.
In a few years, when you take a look back, you can say....woow, these where horrible times but I've reached a lot now and life is so much better.
Keep that in mind and look forward, Melody is gonna be a happy woman.
whatever you're attracted on doesn't matter because we're all looking for the one that will fits in our lives, who is a contibution to our lives and is worthly to be loved, so don't worry about to who you will be attracted, time will learn and if you live in NYC and still attracted to women well the village and chelsea are filled up with gay's and lesbian's.
So, hang on girl, go for your happiness, you've only got this life, i suggest you make the best of it.
love
annette
Hell...I know its hard losing someone and I don't want to sound selfish, but if you have done what you can to keep the relationship going and your wife wants a divorce no questions asked, then so be it! Just think of all the exciting new people you can meet, and the possibility of NEW relationships. I know its hard to let go once you've had that connection for so many years, but I'd just worry mostly about keeping the connection with your children. If you can get through this transition, you can get through anything!
I hope that doesn't sound too blunt, but I'm trying this positive attitude thingie. I think I like it!
Melody's wife is being quite sensible and pragmatic and doing what the majority of women in her place do which is dump the person who has broken the promises and made her realise that a quick end will allow both to go and find people to provide the life they want.
Tell the thank you for what you had and walk off into your new life and let her set about getting her new life.
Lots of women actually dislike lesbians and don't want to have any around and definitely don't want to socialise with them.
Melody,
I'm so sorry your wive has chosen to detach but happy you are seeing your grief as what it really is. I'm told divorce is harder on one than the death of a spouse but since I've only experienced the latter...
Quote from: Simone V on December 29, 2010, 08:49:56 PM
You are a beautiful person with a heart, you have the right to be happy just like everyone else.
Don't let your wife's bitterness ruin your life!
Simone nailed it.
Stoic? Detached? Could it be your soon-to-be ex doesn't want to support or validate Melody because it may be she who is looking at the glass half-empty. She is scared because she losing an almost 20-year old security blanket but it is also she who chose to lose it - for whatever her reasons may be, she has chosen not to go along with you on your journey.
You wrote "She fears that I won't "make it" so she is detaching herself emotionally from me." but in reality I would suggest her fear is that you
will make it and be an emotionally stronger woman than she. She actually can see the woman within you and has retreated because she doesn't want to compete.
It takes a truly strong and independent woman to fully accept and love a spouse who has the need to let their feminine self free whether she be transitioning and beyond or "only" part-time (as Chelle was of me).
Hugs
Susan
Lots to think about ladies, thank you. I think the over-arching theme is that what is done is done. Try to move on in the most considerate way possible, but moving on is necessary.
Yes, moving on is neccessary. Ill be curious to see how you will feel after a year or so after moving.
I am curious too! What I hope is that a year from now I will have been full-time for 6 months or more and with a standing appointment for GRS in 2012. I hope to reconnect with old friends in NYC and to have had some fun along the way in meeting new friends. I hope to see my son as often as I can and celebrate the holidays with him. I hope to have a job that pays the bills and maybe looking at school for a new career in something like nursing.
I hope 2011 is the year I blossom because 2010 was the year of pain and grief and when everything changed.
Hi Melody
it seems to me that we are following the same track.
I was divorced, have a son and became a nurse.
Quite remarkable, don't you think?
hugs
annette
I kinda wish it was less remarkable for trans women and men. I hope I pull through as well as you.
Melody, you WILL pull through. I know you will. So will I. Do you know the song "You'll Never Walk Alone"? If not (or even if you do) google it and find a recording you can listen to. There's a real good one done by Jerry and the Pacemakers back in the 60's. Listen to that song. I have found it really healing during hard times, like when I was coming out to my (adult) kids.
I know it's hard. It sucks. And there aren't words to say about it that don't sound trite and lame, but I know you know that I know what you're going through, because I'm going through it too. And despite the stormy weather in which I find myself, I DO choose to believe in the rainbow. It's there, it really is. And with all this "stuff" we have to go through, you can bet it's gonna be a real purty one, too...
Colleen,
That song is a bit before my, uh, time ;D However you did remind me to listen to my own personal theme song. It is "Melody" by Kate Earl. Part of the lyric I quote as my signature. It is a girl self empowerment sing and it does make me feel better. "Be the Girl" by Aslyn is another good one. You might give a listen to those sometime too. You can get both on iTunes.
Thanks girl and hugs to you. {{}}
Quote from: Melody on December 30, 2010, 09:28:44 PMThanks girl and hugs to you. {{}}
And to you, too, sister. {{{{{{{{{{Melody}}}}}}}}}
Not a fan of the Liverpool Football Club?
Quote from: tekla on December 30, 2010, 09:32:56 PM
Not a fan of the Liverpool Football Club?
Specifically, no. Not in this case. (and yes, I know I show my age by referencing people like Jerry Marsden, lol...)
It's also featured on the Pink Floyd record Meddle during the song Fearless, where the LFC fans are singing it.