Every once in a while everyone experiences the perfect dump. It's rare but a real thing of beauty. You sit down expecting the worse, but what you get is a smooth sliding, fart-less masterpiece that breaks the water with the splash-less grace of an Olympic high-diving champion. You use the toilet tissue to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right in the world and that you are in perfect harmony with it.
The Beer Dump
Nasty! Depends upon the dumper's tolerance and is the result of too many beers - doesn't matter if it was 2 or 22. What you get is a sinister, lengthy, noisy dump accompanied by an odious malevolent fog that could close the bathroom for days. Naked flames are ill advised.....
The Chilli Dump (aka The Japanese Flag)
Hot when it goes in and napalm when it comes out. It stays with you all day stinging yer ring and generally making your choccie starfish feel like the Shuttle's heat shield. Also makes your ass look like "a Japanese Flag".
The Empty Roll Dump
Relief - you've finished and reach for the tissue only to find an empty cardboard cylinder staring back at you. Panic overcomes you. You could use the curtains but then someone would ask "where are the curtains?" Use the rug? Nah, too bulky and cumbersome. You then come to the same conclusion that every "empty roll dumper " must face.....pull up yer kecks tighten yer cheeks and shuffle yourself to the nearest loo roll. Failing that you could always use your shirt-tail or one of your socks!
The Childbirth Dump
This one is just too big to go through the aperture provided by
nature for this purpose. You sit there thinking over your dilemma. First it hurts, and then gets no better. You sweat violently and wonder if you'll ever see your loved ones again. You imagine the newspaper headlines screaming "Man dies trying to hatch monster loaf!" There are only three things you can do: 1. Scream 2. Call an Obstetrician 3. Hope to hell you've got some Vaseline to help you get through it.
The Machine Gun Dump
Best utilized in public conveniences. You sit there in sublime peace when suddenly you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that break the tranquility like machine gun fire. The guy in the next cubicle hits the floor like a Vietnam veteran, cradling his umbrella like a M16....damn commies.
The Sound Effect Dump
You feel a noisy one coming on but relatives, friends or work mates are within earshot. So, you must employ some clever techniques to cover the disgusting sounds you are about to emit. Timing is of the essence. At the precise moment of release, try the following: 1. Flush the toilet 2. Drop loose change on the floor, 3. Sing the first two stanzas of your favorite opera.
The Cling-On Dump
You've finished but there's one damn morsel that refuses to drop. You grip the seat with both hands and wriggle. You twist and pump but the little bastard just hands there, suspended, clinging like a canned peach between you and the water below. If only you had some scissors.......
The Whole Roll Dump
No matter how much you wipe, it just isn't enough. You blow the
whole roll and have to flush at least a dozen times. The whole
episode is consumer waste. Eventually if your toilet paper runs into minimal supply anything will do, towels, wash clothes, carpet, walls, whatever it takes.
The Encore Dump
Ahhh, you've done, so you wipe, dress, flush, wash hands and are
about to leave the auditorium when you feel another dump coming on. You must therefore return for a curtain call. The world record is seven encores.....
The Houdini Dump
You go, you stand to flush and it has disappeared! Did it creep down the pipe or did you dream the whole thing? Should you flush? Oh yes as you can guarantee that if you don't, it will reappear and smile at the next person who comes in.
Sorry if this is offensive to anyone...I seriously couldn't stop laughing.
At first, I was like "Oh goodness how immature..", but I couldn't stop laughing. I'm always chiming into your posts, they always make me laugh. Keep it coming. :)
Quote from: JerkBoy on January 05, 2011, 05:32:29 PM
At first, I was like "Oh goodness how immature..", but I couldn't stop laughing. I'm always chiming into your posts, they always make me laugh. Keep it coming. :)
haha, thanks. Actually...I am very immature xP. I'm glad you like :D
I love toilet humor. ;D Too funny.
Then there's the green radioactive glow-in-the-dark dump...this one happens after consuming large amounts of grape kool-aid.
There's the indecisive dump...it just hangs there, halfway in, halfway out, like it can't make up it's mind.
I had one of the childbirth dumps the other day; I seriously was afraid something was going to tear trying to get that joker to come out. The thing was huge.
Quote from: jmaxley on January 05, 2011, 05:43:30 PM
I love toilet humor. ;D Too funny.
Then there's the green radioactive glow-in-the-dark dump...this one happens after consuming large amounts of grape kool-aid.
There's the indecisive dump...it just hangs there, halfway in, halfway out, like it can't make up it's mind.
I had one of the childbirth dumps the other day; I seriously was afraid something was going to tear trying to get that joker to come out. The thing was huge.
lmao!! I'm always afflicted with them childbirth dumps. I keep a pen and paper with me incase I feel it's time to write the ol' will.
Hahahahahahahaha. :)
Bwhahaha, that was hilarious! I still get a kick out of toilet humor. A friend of mine once linked me to http://www.poopreport.com/ (http://www.poopreport.com/), and I about died. Immature, sure, but funny as hell.
The Houdini dump cracked me up.
That was hilarious! xD Sad to say I've had some of these >_>
holy crap (no pun intended) that was funny XD I normally dont like toliet humour, but those ones were good XD
Hey, I thought the thread was about bathroom graffitti. Sometimes, people get really creative and write some hilarious stuff.
"Here I sit, broken-hearted; tried to ->-bleeped-<- but only farted."
There is also a special kind of swedish jokes/puns which are based on taking two words that sound alightly similar and making phrases. "Better seven tarts that make you sick than seven warts upon your d*ck" (a very bad version as it doesn't really rhyme, but the principle is the same). I don't know if you English-speaking peeps have those jokes.
They are often very dirty, and told only by boys to other boys.
very funny :D .. i couldn't stop laughing too.. i like this kind of toilet humour :D
Quote from: PixieBoy on January 06, 2011, 06:27:52 AM
Hey, I thought the thread was about bathroom graffitti. Sometimes, people get really creative and write some hilarious stuff.
"Here I sit, broken-hearted; tried to ->-bleeped-<- but only farted."
There is also a special kind of swedish jokes/puns which are based on taking two words that sound alightly similar and making phrases. "Better seven tarts that make you sick than seven warts upon your d*ck" (a very bad version as it doesn't really rhyme, but the principle is the same). I don't know if you English-speaking peeps have those jokes.
They are often very dirty, and told only by boys to other boys.
Those who write on out house walls,
should roll their sh*t into little balls.
Those who read these lines of wit,
should eat those little balls of sh*t.
An oldie.
Quote"Here I sit, broken-hearted; tried to ->-bleeped-<- but only farted."
...later on I took a chance, tried to fart but sh!t my pants.
XD
Why fart and waste it when you can burp and taste it?
Another favorite:
Beans, beans, good for your heart
The more you eat, the more you fart
The more you fart, the better you feel
Beans, beans, for every meal.
It's missing
The Cable Dump
Long, curly and perfectly formed like 2 feet of E13 telephone coaxial cable. It loops lazily around the bowl, like a friendly serpent. You wonder admiringly, "DID I DO THAT? Where did it come from?" You leave the bathroom pleased with yourself.
Lmao...'like a friendly serpent'.
Oh, man. Day has been made.
I love potty jokes.
Quote from: Alex201 on January 05, 2011, 05:47:52 PMI'm always afflicted with them childbirth dumps. I keep a pen and paper with me incase I feel it's time to write the ol' will.
I know what you mean. I'm convinced it will be the death of me. I believe Elvis died this way. 8)
I believe that the motto for the when a dump is absolutely perfect, which happens oh so rarely follows as: "The Perfect Dump: One wipe, No splash"
Quote from: jmaxley on January 06, 2011, 03:29:50 PM
Why fart and waste it when you can burp and taste it?
Another favorite:
Beans, beans, good for your heart
The more you eat, the more you fart
The more you fart, the better you feel
Beans, beans, for every meal.
A similar one:
Bean, beans, the magical fruit
the more you eat, the more you toot.
The more you toot, the better you feel
so eat some beans with every meal.