We've all had experiences we had to learn first hand because no one told us, warned us or even mentioned it. Got advice to give? It doesn't have to do with anything in this thread. Just keep it TG related. There's plenty of non TG advice floating around.
I'll start...
For MTFs, if you're still presenting male and haven't come out (FTMs rarely screw up in this area):
1. If you're not married, don't get married. Your future spouse will thank you later for that.
2. If you ignore #1, better tell her before you get married. Let her decide if it's an issue.
3. If you ignore #2, planning to come out at a later date, the sooner the better. And do it before the kids start arriving.
4. If you ignore #3 and survive the late coming out and the almost inevitable "you lied to me", tell your kids early or very late in their lives.
5. If you ignore #4, don't come crying to us when your wife files for divorce and your kids walk out of your life. You were warned.
1. Stop whining about you can't get started with your transition. As my Dad would say "$hit or get off the pot".
2. If you insist on dragging out your transition, a.k.a not starting please don't ask us if you are really trans. Go see you therapist.
3. Are you still coming up with excuses? I would bring this up to your therapist. You must have other issues.
If living with your parents sucks balls so much, MOVE THE EFF OUT! My grandad left home at 14, my dad left home at 16 and both of them had no education, so WTF are you doing with your college education, sitting at home in your 30s, living with mom?
If you don't like hearing your friends/family/spouse/children/neighbour/milkman/cat saying transphobic ->-bleeped-<-, then SAY SOMETHING ABOUT IT! They're not going to magically unbigot themselves now, are they? There's more chance of a quantum event giving me a uterus than your neighbour, Bigoty McBigot, 3 times winner of 'Bigot of the Year' changing his tune all by himself.
No, it's not gynecomastia caused by an intersex condition. You are overweight. My obese uncle with DD moobs isn't intersex, so you probably aren't either.
No I don't think you pass/Yes I do think you pass. Shuttup about it already and stop posting a billion pictures asking the same damn question. Asking for a second opinion is fine. Asking for a 70th opinion is pathetic.
Quote from: Vexing on January 05, 2011, 07:20:06 PM
There's more chance of a quantum event giving me a uterus than your neighbour, Bigoty McBigot, 3 times winner of 'Bigot of the Year' changing his tune all by himself.
Lol if only, right. And I'd give you my uterus.
Vexing, sometimes I wish you weren't engaged and in another country.
"Why is the world so unfair to me?"
Because you're not rich and attractive. Deal with it.
Quote from: Imadique on January 05, 2011, 08:41:01 PM
Vexing, sometimes I wish you weren't engaged and in another country.
Aww! <3
Tell your children about transition before they become teenagers with peer-pressured ideas of normalcy.
Children under the age of 12-13 tend not to complicate things.
Don't let other people's hate bother you when it doesn't have to and don't respond to hate with hate.
Their lives must be pretty poor for them to obsess about us and how we're not as good/right/something as they are.
It's sad really.
Don't focus too much on the end goal of transition if it's far away or difficult to obtain.
Celebrate every small step along your path and then focus on the next step.
It's easier that way, and a lot less depressing.
Don't rush. Allow yourself to doubt.
Doubt's healthy, and reasonable. Examine it. Apply rational thought.
If you know why (the real why) you hesitate, then your hesitation is surmountable. Then you can do what's right for you, when it's right for you.
If you don't know why you hesitate, you risk rushing or derailing yourself, and even if what you do is right for you, that doubt may come back and make your life difficult, even after the fact.
Don't get so busy being a man/woman that you forget to be you.
Even the most honest, rational, calm, etc, people can slip into overcompensation.
Are you wearing/doing/whatevering X because it's a guy/girl thing, or because it's "you"?
Stop worrying about your height, weight, shoe-size, glove-size, etc, etc, etc, and whether it fits your gender's "standard".
There's cisgender men who have to use a chair to get up on the counter to reach the cupboard to get a coffee-cup, and there's cisgender women who can't find women's shoes in their sizes, or tower over their husbands, etc.
Be "you".
And on being you..
You can't spend too much time or effort on introspection unless it interferes with your ability to live your life.
You can't be "you" if you don't know who you are.
If you know who you are, then the rest is easy.
AND!
No one can tell you who you are. You need to work it out for yourself.
A therapist can help by asking the right questions, but you "can" figure yourself out for yourself, if you're unafraid to ask yourself some tough questions.
whenever you find your self not able to cope with the secret, let go, embrace your love and walk the path of truth. Almost certainly you will experience pain, suffering, and sorrow but be sure, it is the price of coming to embrace true self. Through tears you cleanse the soul and set it free, don't be afraid to walk the valley of death, for at the end, you shall become, You!
If you think people on the street are staring at you and making jokes about you AND you happen to be wearing a platinum blond wig that reaches to your ass cheeks, hipster red PVC pants that lace up at the crotch and a hot pink boob-tube, THEN THEY PROBABLY ARE STARING AND MAKING JOKES ABOUT YOU - if you make a sideshow spectacle of yourself, then don't whine and cry when you get negative attention!
Yes, I understand that you are more special that other trans women because you have wider hips/no body hair/no beard shadow/small hands/a tiny penis/small bones/a brain tumour that makes you brag excessively about these things whenever the opportunity to do so presents itself, or even when the conversation has nothing to do with you or your specialness. We get it. Now STFU, douchenozzle.
Society doesn't owe you anything and certainly is NOT required to do everything for you and give you a perfect transition. When you don't get your way and things get a bit ->-bleeped-<-ty, whining and complaining that it's not fair isn't going to change anything. Bitching that there are no studies on long term hormone use, that SRS is not totally perfect and that it's not fair you can't have babies is effing stupid - treatments for being trans are still in their precocious childhood stage.
Go get born 700 years in the future or piss off.
Sometimes people aren't persecuting you because you're trans.
They're persecuting you because when you talk, it's like having to watch you verbally jerk off in your own face and scream your own name every 10 seconds. In kinder circles, you'd be known as an dillhole - whereas I just think you're a conceited knobjockey who should be gagged with duct-tape and a hammer.
Generally if you walk down the street and complete strangers don't point and say things like 'look it's a man beast!" then you pass. Stop worrying that you can't see inside peoples heads to know if you really pass or not, your life will be a lot more pleasant as a result.
Yes you could have transitioned at 18, but you didn't, so get over it and get busy living your life now.
You almost certainly don't need FFS.
Don't ditch your pre-transition friends that supported you at the start just because they knew you before you transitioned...doing so makes you a callous [see you next tuesday].
If you're living the kind of stealth existence where you've concocted a past where you were never your original gender, be prepared for the mental trauma when you do eventually get outed.
Vexing, loved EVERY single one of yours! So, awesome.
I would like to add:
1) If you can't fix it forget about it (large feet? can't fix that) (Large nose? CAN fix that) So worry about your nose and not your feet.
2) Be an activist for our struggles if you are able. The cisgender community doesn't bend over backwards to help, the LGB community helps more but not enough so that leaves us to fight for our own family.
3) Don't take no for an answer during your transition (at work, mainly). Research laws, policies, etc and get it fixed. I had to do a lot of this where I work.
That is all for now.
I love this thread. Here is my FTM-special additions:
1. No one above the age of 5 cares if you can pee standing up or not, no matter how exciting or important you find it. If you meet anyone who does wish to hear about your every #1 trip to the toilets, please notify the authorities to make sure said individuals are not allowed to pass their genes down.
2. Your genitals are within one standard deviation of the mean. Having "above average" junk doesn't mean you are trans, it just means most female-bodied people (esp those who actually ARE women) are embarrassed that their crotch ain't a delicate dainty little flower.
3. Sometimes the bad mood and ->-bleeped-<-ty feelings that comes with your period and menstrual cycle really are just PMS, not dysphoria.
4. Many kinds of treatments require patients to self-inject, not just being trans. No one starts out enjoying the idea of sticking a sharp object into their own body and normal dislike or aversions to pain or needles are not phobias. If you are suffering enough from being trans and you are old enough to know that Hrt is right for you, you are old enough to GET THE F OVER IT, and just learn to deal with injections or pay more to deal with the gel, and shut up about it already.
5. Yes, we all have PCOS/no we don't have PCOS. Yes we have naturally high T/no we don't have high T. No one fully understands the relationship between exposures to androgens and being FTM. Many women who have PCOS are not trans, many women who have naturally high T are not trans, and there are plenty of trans guys who have normal androgen levels. And plenty of MTFs - in fact, the vast majority - have bathed in androgens for years. Having any of these conditions doesn't make you more trans, and going on and on about it as a badge of your transhood just makes you insufferable.
6. Feel free to have long hair/wear skinny jeans/wear eyeliner/paint your nails/do any feminine behaviour you like but then DON'T B*TCH ABOUT NOT PASSING. You may be right in theory that men should be free to be effeminate and social constructs blah blah blah-cakes, but that doesn't mean people you meet in real life will understand that you are *Really* a man who looks, acts, and dresses like a Hello Kitty Loving girl, as opposed to an actual, Hello Kitty Loving girl. Because most people who are like that, really are girls, independent of the fact that you are being true to yourself/making a statement.
7. No, we cannot tell you which changes you will or won't get on T, and no, we cannot tell you exactly when these changes will come. If you are not prepared for any and every change to happen within the first few weeks, then you are not ready for permanent, life-changing hormones.
8. Your stories about playing with trucks, guns, army guys, video games, sports, other boys, legos, actual explosives, etc. as a child do not make you more trans. They just make you a weird guy who thinks that what he did at age 6 is relevant to anything that happens at age 16, 26, 36, 46.
9. Go ahead and insist that you have had changes that are scientifically impossible. Transitioning is all about self-identifying. If you feel that you are 5 inches taller, you are. Congrats, dude.
10. Using words like bro, dude, man, bud, etc. makes you more trans. Keep doing that!
11. No one likes getting their period except a woman who fears she might be pregnant and doesn't want to be. Go ask Judy Blume about it. Hating puberty, getting boobs, or having a period is pretty common stuff, trans or not.
12. If you are within one standard deviation of the height for the population you are transitioning to in the geographic region you live, NO ONE wants to hear you complain that you are too tall/short. You are not too tall/short, and you are really ticking off the people who aren't so fortunate. Leave the genuine tall/short people to complain about clothing, reaching for stuff/not reaching for stuff, celebrities who are tall/short and so on in peace.
13. If you can't read about other people's progress in transitioning without getting jealous sometimes, Congrats! you are human! If you can't read about other people's progress in transitioning without getting jealous and POSTING about your envy or without feeling bad about yourself/your body/your progress/you life, then STOP READING OTHER PEOPLE'S POSTS ABOUT PROGRESS.
14. Do not tell people that they will pass fine/better/more/100% once "T can work its magic" on them. Hrt is not magic. It is science. If you do know of a "magic" drug, please get your results published where others can benefit from them.
15. If you want to be stealth and blend in, pick a name that blends in where you live. That's why I'm called Sean-y McLovin.
You're not more/less of a man because you do things that do/don't conform to whatever gender stereotypes you/the people around you may hold. You're not proving anything when you talk about your stereotypical traits.
Yes, you can be a man even if you want to play with dolls/sing soprano/dress up like a Disney princess. No, you're not the only one who wants to do these things. Yes, cis guys do them too. But when you start to be recognized as male, you'll have to exercise some judgment about safe times and places for doing some of the more extravagantly feminine things you do. And if you're not recognized as male, doing these things won't help.
No, you don't have to take T or get surgery. Do what's right for you.
It's not ok to be sexist just because you're trans.
Sometimes you have to suck it up and do things you don't like, from wearing clothes your grandmother approves of out of respect at your beloved grandfather's funeral, to going to a gynecologist, to sticking a 2.5-inch needle in your thigh every week for the rest of your life. Just do them. Or don't, and accept the consequences.
Being trans doesn't give you a free pass on masculinity; when you start to pass as a guy, you can expect all the same treatment cis guys get, from being teased if you like "girl stuff," to being told to "man up" when you complain about anything. Even 'enlightened' people do this. Man up and take it.
Being gay or effeminate isn't 100% safe everywhere you go. You haven't learned the survival and camouflage skills most gay men have. Be careful and try to blend in until you're sure your surroundings are safe. Your flamboyance may be a core part of your personality, but you won't have a personality if you become another Matthew Shepard.
Transition is not a cure-all.
You will have to deal with all your other problems as well.
If your family slips up on pronouns, they may not be purposefully being disrespectful.
It takes time to correct a 10, 20, 30, 40 year old habit.
Give 'em time.
If your family wigs out and can't handle your transition, that's their problem.
Tell them you'll be there if they ever want to accept you and then take the space you need (if any).
Don't abandon them completely, but don't have too high hopes either.
With time, they "might" come around.
Don't let transition become the only thing you ever talk about.
Not everyone's interested, and while yes, it will kinda take over your life for a while, it should not take it over "completely" or be allowed to spill into other people's lives more than they're remotely interested.
You don't have to tell everyone about the latest step.
(*shakes finger at himself*)
Oh, and piece of advice to ftms from a friend; "Surgically removed weight (top surgery) doesn't count as weight-loss."
QuoteOh, and piece of advice to ftms from a friend; "Surgically removed weight (top surgery) doesn't count as weight-loss."
The scale says otherwise.
Saying you can't transition because you have big feet/you're too short/your hair is the wrong colour/whatever is ridiculous.
Say you're a trans woman with huge feet, what if you were born a cis woman, and still had those huge feet? would you transition to male because you clearly could never be female? I doubt it, so stop making excuses
Same for those who say they can't transition because they have a disapproving partner, and then go on to whine endlessly about how crappy and loveless their relationship is. You realise you can break up any time you want right?
:police: And now for a bit of unsoliticited but friendly moderational advice (which is not aimed at anyone in particular). I know this thread is intended to be partly humorous so it gets a little more leeway than some others, but just be aware that there may be some members who didn't get the joke and were therefore unintentionally offended so please be careful how far you go with this.
Borderline you can get away within a humorous context. Downright rude, no. :police:
Sorry for the interruption. It just needed to be said. :)
For those looked at as mentors to the comunity.
First off your poo does indeed stink.
Don't be snarky when you are asked the same question 10 times in one week. The newbs have no clue you answered that questions 9 other times. Chances are they are traumatised when they are asking and incapable of making sound descisons.
Things are diferant now than they were in the 14th century, back when you transitioned. Be aware of modern practices and standards. (I almost shot myself when I was told being a trans lesbian was unheard of. <I didn't get that one here. Just saying.>)
Quote from: cynthialee on January 07, 2011, 10:41:47 AM
Don't be snarky when you are asked the same question 10 times in one week. The newbs have no clue you answered that questions 9 other times. Chances are they are traumatised when they are asking and incapable of making sound descisons.
Agreed. Except we can't expect traumatized people to make sound decisions is an awfully slippery slope to go on. Too traumatized to read any other thread that is current and active? Too traumatized to use a search function? I don't think anyone here is snarking on the "New here, need help, confused!" posts. If the question is, "Help! I'm scared and I don't know I'm going to make it another day," then the fact that this has been responded to 9 hundred times before doesn't invite snark.
IMHO, this is exactly why we need a more clear and obvious front page/side bar list to the most commonly asked questions/threads. Newbs SHOULD have a clue that a question has been asked and answered 9 times over, because it's not like this is hidden info.
This is a great thread! A few of the remarks sting a bit but I'm man enough to take it thank you very much.
Yes I do post my picture here a little less than once a month in the FTM pass thread. People seem to like to see my progress and it gives me a needed ego boost from time to time.
Sure no one over 5 cares about my bathroom habits but I was excited so I came here to share. It's not like I can go up to someone on the street and share my good news with them. People here are the only ones who could possibly understand so I fostered a sense of community by talking about urination. Besides these little victories I feel encourage those who are starting the journey and gives them something to look forward too. Even something as immature and juvenile as that.
Yes I do like to use words like bro, man, and dude. Guys that I'm surrounded with often say those things and it feels like I'm in on the 'guy code' when I say them back. When another trans guy on here or elsewhere uses one of those when addressing me it feels like that is how he sees me. For me that's a good feeling and so I try to pass that along to others. Actually I don't see what's wrong with this complaint. Sure it might come off as a bit phoney but we are all trying to step into a new role here.
Now here some of my unsolicited advice.
Just because you are having doubts Today doesn't mean you will always have them. There is nothing wrong about taking more time to consider your future and the effect transitioning will have on your body, your mind, your relationships and your life. Waiting another year or two to inject yourself with incredibly powerful hormones does not make you less trans or less the gender you identify as. I took three years to decide to start hormones and had my daughter in the middle of all that. Sometimes I regret not going earlier but at other times I know I made the right decision because I was not ready to lose everything four years ago.
Transitioning has the effect of alienating others even those who seem supportive at first. If you are not ready mentally to absolutely support yourself completely on your own you are not ready to transition. Not to even mention financially support yourself if it goes there and it could. You need to have that strong inner core within yourself and not value yourself by the way other people outside of you see you. Chances are you are going to disappoint them. If you live for others and their approval this is not the path for you.
Testosterone is not a weight loss drug. Nor will it turn you into a male model on the cover of GQ magazine. Go to the mall or a baseball game. Look around and see average everyday men with their pot-bellies and decaying hairline. This is more likely outcome then a slender and sleek twink or a male ideal. For an even more accurate picture of yourself in the future, study your father and look at your uncles or brothers. This is especially true if you don't start being seriously dedicated to the gym and your diet. Even then there is no guarantee that you will get the body you see in your head. Hormones are unpredictable. It will masculinise your body but it very well might not be in the way you would like. The point is to become male not to become gorgeous. If you can't handle the thought of having a hairy back, bald spot, and acne everywhere then this may not be the best choice for you. There is a good chance you might end up more dysphoric then you were in the first place.
If you decide that you are wrong about transition but are afraid to say so because you fought so hard with your parents and friends about it then you are making a big mistake. This is life changing and body altering stuff. Do not throw away your future just because of you are afraid of the "i told you so." Being uncomfortable for a bit of time in the now is worth it for your future. By God don't take hormones unless you absolutely feel this is the right choice for you. Some doubt is fine and smart even. Just know that only you know the truth inside. Your parents don't know. Your friends don't know. Your therapist does not know. This is down to you and it is one of the biggest decisions you will ever make. Don't let anyone make the decision for you by their approval or even by their disapproval and your need to prove them wrong. Please! I'm begging you
Quote from: Miniar on January 06, 2011, 03:28:39 PM
Transition is not a cure-all.
You will have to deal with all your other problems as well.
If your family slips up on pronouns, they may not be purposefully being disrespectful.
It takes time to correct a 10, 20, 30, 40 year old habit.
Give 'em time.
If your family wigs out and can't handle your transition, that's their problem.
Tell them you'll be there if they ever want to accept you and then take the space you need (if any).
Don't abandon them completely, but don't have too high hopes either.
With time, they "might" come around.
Don't let transition become the only thing you ever talk about.
Not everyone's interested, and while yes, it will kinda take over your life for a while, it should not take it over "completely" or be allowed to spill into other people's lives more than they're remotely interested.
You don't have to tell everyone about the latest step.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.fsu.edu%2F%7Ecrimdo%2Fimages%2Fclapping.GIF&hash=4332fd4cd692146dc8b39a2e4d09228f21ed9e8e)
If you idolize guys so androgynous looking they could pass for female, your best bet is to stay off T. T is going to take you in the opposite direction to your ideal.
Oh that note:
Don't complain that taking T is making you hairy.
That's like eating sugar and complaining that it's sweet.
Or complaining that showering makes you wet.
For the girls:
No, you didn't go from AA to C cup breasts after 6 months on E. You are lying.
If, by some small chance you are not lying, then you have a particularly virulent strain of breast cancer and you're going to have to get them removed, or lose all your hair to chemotherapy. Do you still feel like broadcasting you 'good fortune' now?
Quote from: Vexing on January 07, 2011, 03:17:01 PM
For the girls:
No, you didn't go from AA to C cup breasts after 6 months on E. You are lying.
With respect, a little exageration of breasts is natural and expected from many girls.
That's why they invented the push up bra.
Dick measuring contests among trans guys are (at the very least) silly.
It's fine to dress like a butch lesbian, but if you do, you're probably going to be perceived as a butch lesbian.
If you are an adult, you always have other options besides living with your parents. You might not like them, but they exist.
Similarly, you always have other options besides living with your spouse/significant other. You may not like them, but they exist.
Whether or not you go on T, you won't look like a pretty teenage boy forever. Decide whether you want to look like a 45-year-old masculine woman (who may or may not pass as male with some effort) or a 45-year-old man. Plan accordingly.
Decide how much your need to eat and have your bills paid for you outweighs your need to tell your parents/guardians that they don't have the right to an opinion about your transness.
Or get a job and get the hell out of there.
My number one bit of advice...
STOP assuming everyone is stereotyping you... Most of the time, nobody is looking at you or making fun of you... If you expect people to hate you, then everyone seems like they hate you... But really THEY COULDN'T CARE LESS...
If you care about passing, act like it. Don't get all girled up and then speak in your guy's voice - unless you are trying to shock someone.
Whenever someone asks for advice, please resist the urge to insert into your 'advice' any of the following:
- how passable you are,
- how handsome/beautiful you are,
- how you have AIS or PCOS,
- how everyone accepts you as 100% woman/man,
- how you don't fall into negative stereotype X or Y,
- how you DO fall into positive stereotype X or Y,
- how big your breasts/dick are compared to everyone else in the thread
- and lastly, just plain stop being a grandstanding jackass in someone's advice thread.
If you want everyone to know how effing AMAZING you are compared to everyone else, start your own damn thread entitled "I am an arrogant wanker; please come into this thread and watch me arrogantly wank all over myself. Towels optional."
Quote from: Caitj on February 03, 2011, 06:23:24 PM
Whenever someone asks for advice, please resist the urge to insert into your 'advice' any of the following:
- how passable you are,
- how handsome/beautiful you are,
- how you have AIS or PCOS,
- how everyone accepts you as 100% woman/man,
- how you don't fall into negative stereotype X or Y,
- how you DO fall into positive stereotype X or Y,
- how big your breasts/dick are compared to everyone else in the thread
- and lastly, just plain stop being a grandstanding jackass in someone's advice thread.
If you want everyone to know how effing AMAZING you are compared to everyone else, start your own damn thread entitled "I am an arrogant wanker; please come into this thread and watch me arrogantly wank all over myself. Towels optional."
And don't blame your trans-status on a bee sting. :-)
Don't rag on someone until you have made a reasonable effort to understand what they were trying to say. If you still question it, ask don't accuse.
it seems this thread is becoming less of an advice for newly transitioning transsexuals thread, and more of a 'don't do this, i find it annoying' thread. I'm not a moderator of course, but, just sayin'
main advice I have for trans guys, 2 things.
1. Just because you have your T letter, doesnt mean you will get T, I had to wait months to get an appointment with a dr, so plan in advance
2. T isnt the cure all, (others have mentioned this too) yea, t has helped me A LOT, but I still hate my body, and I am still and will always be transsexual.
Ignore overly verbose, self-proclaiming twats.... on forum groups that assume that only one way- there way - de facto rules work for all...
Oh yeah lest i forget.... and any surgery not done in 'Thailand' is somewhat 3rd rate over-priced and lacking.....??
*s->-bleeped-<-s*
AND IF THEY SHOUT LOUDEST.... they must always be right....??
And more quietly I'd add - to quote from Ghandi
The weak can never forgive.... forgiveness is the attribute of the strong....
And no matter where you venture continue to grow and evolve...
Constant development is the law of life - and a person that always tries to maintain dogmas in order to appear consistent - drives himself into a false position...
A few of my own:
If someone uses the wrong pronoun for you, say so, and then say it again if they haven't gotten the message. Most people won't want to be drawn into an argument.
Don't stress alot over physical appearance. Just do the best you can then focus on doing what you need to do that day.
Despite what your parents may have told you as a child, education alone won't get you a job.
Don't fight fair if you don't have to.