Hey All,
I've wanted to be a girl all of my life and was a bit of a club kid in my late teens, started a career as a designer in my 20s, married a woman in my mid 20s, had a great career with bouts of GID depression and am now in my mid 30s. I have a very very good life in all aspects except for the continuing gender/body image issues. I own a house, have a personal assistant, an agent, successful businesses, employees, friends, and lots of opportunity. My current therapist thinks that HRT may help the GID and my wife believes that a full transition would make me very happy. I agree. On the other hand, I do not want to give up the life I have, change my name, or present much more as female. As a designer I already wear androgynous clothing and a little makeup on most days. I feel that I would feel much calmer and more happy knowing that there was estrogen in me..that I was more female inside. I would be happy with any breast size just knowing they were female breasts. I would be more active knowing I wasn't going to bulk up. I would like SRS but have ignored that part of me for so long that it's not a huge issue.
SOOOOOOOO...(that was context) I've been looking around the web for influence. For success stories of people who transition without transitioning.
If found this person on youtube who identifies as female but still presents as male/androgynous:
Year One of HRT Transition (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qHXdWXaacdc#ws)
Do you guys know of more blogs or youtube accounts that I can read? I am not looking for people who want to transition but can't pass so they appear male. I MIGHT be able to pass, when I've got dolled up in the past people are impressed and say that I look real and FFS would seal the deal for sure. I'm looking for people who find happiness getting almost there. I am at the height of my career and I don't want to talk like Mickey Mouse for a year or play into anyone's preconceived notion of what Transgender transition means. I tell people I'm transgender now and have to explain that that doesn't mean I'll show up in a skirt tomorrow or start moving differently.
Any good blogs or videos or stories to help me find my balance?
I'll second the request. And thank you for posting teh you tube link, I had not seen these. That person's video blogs show an insightful and fascinating perspective.
It seems like most people who present as men on HRT do it in secret, so I don't expect much. My therapist says "the answers aren't online." but I can't help but look for a kindred spirit. I need to transition in such a way to keep what I've got going on...going on.
I am basically doing this now, but it definitely isn't how I want to STAY. I am very androgenos in how I look and fairly feminine in how I dress, but I do present male (if you can call it that) 90% of the time.
I have my reasons for not going full time or even coming out. Most are simular to what you have, although I have no wife or corporate type job.
I am taking things very slow. for a number of reasons.
1. I have children, I am trying to come out to them gradually, along with my family and the few freinds I have.
2. I am still not even 100% accepting of myself, I know I will never go back to my old life but I still have not committed fully to my new one.
You say you don't want to give up the life you have. You don't have too, and your Wife is on board also. I would say keep doing what your doing, if you decide not to go the surgery route or even present female at all, you would not be the first.
I guess the label people use is Non OP
Who knows though after maybe a year on hrt your view of yourself may change.
Good Luck
Shelly
Wow, that sounds like torture to me. I can't imagine going through my whole life with everyone thinking of me as a gender I'm not. But good luck. I hope you find happiness. And I found a site a while ago, sounds like what you're looking for--google "Boy on the Outside, Girl on the Inside," it's the first thing.
Oh, and sorry, I know this is old. Just thought I'd put in my input.
Quote from: crazyandro on February 12, 2011, 08:45:35 PM
Wow, that sounds like torture to me. I can't imagine going through my whole life with everyone thinking of me as a gender I'm not.
I'm 36 so I already have. I have a fully formed career and personality. I like my name, I like my relationships with other people. My GID centers around not being female bodied, not about being perceived as a woman or social constructs. If I could live my life over again, having the information I have now, I'd transition fully but at this point I'm just trying to find balance. Some kind of contentment with my body.
So I am in sync with you on this one I've been on HRT for 5 months now and stil present as male and for right now that may be how I keep it. I identify more closely to gender queer but more on the female side. My first goal is to understand the girl on the inside before I can be the girl on the outside. HRT has really helped with that and it's added some physical changes as well. ;D
I understand where your at I have a fantastic wife, career, and overall flow with life although I am bored with my current name which really dosnt fit who I am anymore. My GID has always been with me and identifying as genderqueer has been a great step for me. I don't know if it will always be that way but I'm not afraid of the ambiguity.
I have never been able to find to much in terms of stories, but my therapist has been great about this.
Quote from: Lilydev on February 13, 2011, 12:15:41 AM
HRT has really helped with that and it's added some physical changes as well.
Can you elaborate on this? Have the physical changes caused you any social anxiety? I don't think they will for me but once every couple of weeks I find a moment, maybe like 2 minutes, where I wonder what the heck I'm thinking.
Quote from: japple on February 13, 2011, 01:25:52 AM
Can you elaborate on this? Have the physical changes caused you any social anxiety? I don't think they will for me but once every couple of weeks I find a moment, maybe like 2 minutes, where I wonder what the heck I'm thinking.
For the most part it's been some smal fat redistribution to my butt and theighs. There has been some breast growth but not really anything terribly noticeable so far. Most noticeable has been my skin which is become much softer especially on my face.
I have not felt socially anxious I have actually felt really great, I just care more about how I look now. I find myself saying I'm glad I did this and why didn't I start sooner.
Hi Japple
I have been on a low dose AA for about 10 months. I still present male about 90% of the time, although a much more andro version of myself.
I will not transition due to my circumstances and feel that the pros of transition do not outweigh the cons. If you would like more details on this please feel free to PM me.
My therapist is quite supportive of my situation...wonderful actually.
As you mention, finding balance is very important. This is something i still struggle with some days.
I am out to a few special people in my life and they for the most part have been very accepting.
I know there are a few people on here that are following similar paths to you. Hopefully they can provide you help/support/guidance you seek.
Cheers
Shelly
Jappie and Lilydev, I'd say I'm in a similar boat to you all, especiale you Jappie. I am looking for balance, and the more my body subtly masculinizes the more dysphoric I feel. I'm 24 now and fairly androgynous, but have wide shoulders and a little hair on my chest, legs and body. What's important to me is not so much someone seeing me as 'male' or 'female', but seeing me for the person I am inside. I already present fairly androgynous but still obviously male, and I enjoy walking the boundaries between genders instead of being shoehorned into one mold or another.
In fact, that's one of the problems I see with transitioning in my case. I don't want to 'train myself' to have mannerisms so I can pass, I want to be satisfied with my body. If I were a gg I'd probably be a tomboy who is perfectly happy with her female body, but just chooses to wear and present in a way that doesn't scream stereotypical girl all the time. I have my feminine moments and times where I feel like wanting to be hot or pretty or what have you, but not on a regular basis necessarily.
I'm not a success story yet but I'll be sure to keep people updated as to my progress. ;) I intend on starting HRT relatively soon and living as a non-OP who still presents male in professional and some social settings, albeit a very androgynous one.
I also wanted to say that I'm in the similar boat of being happy with my life thus far and what I have, but my gender dysphoria still being something I want to work towards fixing. I am not repulsed by my male parts and it won't be the end of the world if I never achieve a fully gg life, but I feel that's just because I am good with coping with adversity.
The way I like to think of it as, is it's like someone who was born with a disability but still manages to lead a fulfilling and happy life. Does that mean there's no point to trying to improve your situation or taking a cure if it's available to you? I think not.
Quote from: Nobuko on February 15, 2011, 05:55:55 PM
In fact, that's one of the problems I see with transitioning in my case. I don't want to 'train myself' to have mannerisms so I can pass, I want to be satisfied with my body. If I were a gg I'd probably be a tomboy who is perfectly happy with her female body, but just chooses to wear and present in a way that doesn't scream stereotypical girl all the time.
That's how I feel. I need to be female bodied but I am not feminine (for a woman) and don't feel the need to do things that much differently in presentation. I wear subtle makeup every day (brows, mascara, gloss) that helps me feel attractive, shave my body, and wear fashionable clothes that I get from both the men and women's department. I have a creative career, people think I'm stylish and tell me I look great (I gained a lot of weight when I decided to try to live as a man), but no one has ever asked me if I'm trans. I'm out to close friends and very recently my family.
I am still dysphoric, especially about my breasts and genitals but am generally happy in the way I interact with the world and loosening up all the time. I imagine that by the time I am mid 40s if I haven't transitioned I'll be downright eccentric. I am hoping the balance of an androgynous lifestyle will be enough to feel good and live well. I don't think I'd ever identify as androgyne. I think of myself as butch-ish.
Quote from: Lilydev on February 14, 2011, 09:42:28 PM
I have not felt socially anxious I have actually felt really great, I just care more about how I look now. I find myself saying I'm glad I did this and why didn't I start sooner.
That is GREAT to know. I think I will feel the exact same way.
Quote from: Nobuko on February 15, 2011, 05:55:55 PM
Jappie and Lilydev, I'd say I'm in a similar boat to you all, especiale you Jappie. I am looking for balance, and the more my body subtly masculinizes the more dysphoric I feel. I'm 24 now and fairly androgynous, but have wide shoulders and a little hair on my chest, legs and body. What's important to me is not so much someone seeing me as 'male' or 'female', but seeing me for the person I am inside. I already present fairly androgynous but still obviously male, and I enjoy walking the boundaries between genders instead of being shoehorned into one mold or another.
In fact, that's one of the problems I see with transitioning in my case. I don't want to 'train myself' to have mannerisms so I can pass, I want to be satisfied with my body. If I were a gg I'd probably be a tomboy who is perfectly happy with her female body, but just chooses to wear and present in a way that doesn't scream stereotypical girl all the time. I have my feminine moments and times where I feel like wanting to be hot or pretty or what have you, but not on a regular basis necessarily.
I'm not a success story yet but I'll be sure to keep people updated as to my progress. ;) I intend on starting HRT relatively soon and living as a non-OP who still presents male in professional and some social settings, albeit a very androgynous one.
I also wanted to say that I'm in the similar boat of being happy with my life thus far and what I have, but my gender dysphoria still being something I want to work towards fixing. I am not repulsed by my male parts and it won't be the end of the world if I never achieve a fully gg life, but I feel that's just because I am good with coping with adversity.
The way I like to think of it as, is it's like someone who was born with a disability but still manages to lead a fulfilling and happy life. Does that mean there's no point to trying to improve your situation or taking a cure if it's available to you? I think not.
I completely agree with you, I feel very much the same way. It's not perfect but I am more concerned with how I few myself then how others view me. HRT is for sure changing that dynamic but being 3 months into being on the hormones I know it was the right choice.
Quote from: Lilydev on February 15, 2011, 11:53:23 PM
I completely agree with you, I feel very much the same way. It's not perfect but I am more concerned with how I few myself then how others view me. HRT is for sure changing that dynamic but being 3 months into being on the hormones I know it was the right choice.
I have my first appointment with an HRT doctor in four weeks. I am very excited. I've been eating very well and craving exercise lately. I stop myself because I don't want to bulk up or lose much more of my breasts. I think HRT is going to make me feel very close to my body. I am also excited about potentially losing my very confusing and distracting sex drive. i have very oily skin and acne and get ingrown hairs on my face and am constantly using product to deal with this. I love the idea of having better skin and getting laser to deal with facial hair once and for all.
It's refreshing to hear others talk about NOT changing their mannerisms, etc to fit a "role". I think people can really get stuck on "passing". I've found for me it really was all about balance. When I found it, even in small ways, things definitely changed. I did try HRT for about 4 months. But I didn't actually like the way I felt (and it was costing me a lot because I had no insurance and was paying every time for an office visit on top of a shot) so I decided it wasn't for me. I had always been more on the male side anyway so the HRT thing really didn't even do anything for me other than make me feel like crap. I'm glad it works out for other people though.
Anyway, yeah, balance is key!
Quote from: insideontheoutside on February 21, 2011, 11:41:10 PM
It's refreshing to hear others talk about NOT changing their mannerisms, etc to fit a "role". I think people can really get stuck on "passing". I've found for me it really was all about balance. When I found it, even in small ways, things definitely changed. I did try HRT for about 4 months. But I didn't actually like the way I felt (and it was costing me a lot because I had no insurance and was paying every time for an office visit on top of a shot) so I decided it wasn't for me. I had always been more on the male side anyway so the HRT thing really didn't even do anything for me other than make me feel like crap. I'm glad it works out for other people though.
Anyway, yeah, balance is key!
I think it's easy to get stuck in the mantra of passing, that's not my main goal but it can be a benefit. I think what's important is to not become obsessed by it. I found my self doing exactly that in the past and it wasn't beneficial. I want to make sure I've got things good in my head before I decide to focus on the physical to much. Balance is a tough thing to find I'm lucky that the HRT helped me find some of that balance, but it didn't give it to me I had to work for it and still am.
But I agree we are who we are and I am who I am personality wise and changing that and my mannerisms to fit a stereotypical male or female role does not suit me at all. To me the concept of gender is completely broken and to try and define it as black and white just seems counter productive.
But before I go off on a rant on the concepts of gender what I did want to say is that I agree and understand your perspectives.
:)
Quote from: Lilydev on February 22, 2011, 02:26:08 AM
I think it's easy to get stuck in the mantra of passing, that's not my main goal but it can be a benefit. I think what's important is to not become obsessed by it. I found my self doing exactly that in the past and it wasn't beneficial. I want to make sure I've got things good in my head before I decide to focus on the physical to much. Balance is a tough thing to find I'm lucky that the HRT helped me find some of that balance, but it didn't give it to me I had to work for it and still am.
But I agree we are who we are and I am who I am personality wise and changing that and my mannerisms to fit a stereotypical male or female role does not suit me at all. To me the concept of gender is completely broken and to try and define it as black and white just seems counter productive.
But before I go off on a rant on the concepts of gender what I did want to say is that I agree and understand your perspectives.
:)
:)
Yeah there was a short period where I got all obsessed about being able to pass as male only, all the time. But I realized quickly into it that I wasn't comfortable because I wasn't really being myself and that was a drag (no pun intended!) too.
Late to the party-sorry. I present as male in public 100% of the time-except when I have some quiet time by myself-then I may go out infemme. My life at home is not helping me find peace nor uninhibited progress-so I struggle at times. I have to concentrate on little things I can do that turn away the feelings of lonliness and confusion-my nails, clothes, plucking unwanted hair... It works for now.
My breasts have begun to grow again and are getting more difficult to hide at work. We'll see how this goes-shorts, polos and tee shirts weather is almost here. In no way am I discouraged by having them grow more-that's good news to me! I am thrilled about it actually and don't want to wait to see them when they stop growing this time. I had quite a bit of growth the last time and am a small 'b on one side and a large 'a on the other..
Randi
I started HRT and feel GREAT about it. My therapist and doctor are super supportive. My therapist said today that she thinks the SOC is bull->-bleeped-<- and is happy that we live in a time when I can do what I'm doing.
I have been taking better care of myself, dressing better, taking vitamins, eating well.
I think of it this way. I have girl blood. Which is all over inside my body. Pretty soon I'll have female skin. There is something about being this much female that comforts me a lot. I feel like I don't have to work at being female, I just am..all over.
If HRT makes me more like a girl, I'll cross that road when I come to it. For now I'm very happy being on a good path.
Quote from: japple on March 10, 2011, 08:14:01 PM
I started HRT and feel GREAT about it. My therapist and doctor are super supportive. My therapist said today that she thinks the SOC is bull->-bleeped-<- and is happy that we live in a time when I can do what I'm doing.
I have been taking better care of myself, dressing better, taking vitamins, eating well.
I think of it this way. I have girl blood. Which is all over inside my body. Pretty soon I'll have female skin. There is something about being this much female that comforts me a lot. I feel like I don't have to work at being female, I just am..all over.
If HRT makes me more like a girl, I'll cross that road when I come to it. For now I'm very happy being on a good path.
Cool about the HRT, but your therapist thinks the SOC is BS? What leads her to believe that?
Quote from: interalia on March 11, 2011, 12:03:08 AM
Cool about the HRT, but your therapist thinks the SOC is BS? What leads her to believe that?
I guess she was talking about SOC and doctor's interpretations when she started where they made you live/present as female before HRT.
My SydneyTinker channel on YouTube may be of some interest.
I'll have been on HRT for a year this coming week, but I'm genderqueer (bigender-identified). I present as male or female, genderf**k, whatever suits me.
That's inspirational, Randi! I think it's a testament too, to the people who think transgendered people are deluded crossdressers or something. It goes beyond many gender role-associated things, and more how you feel within your own body.
I'm comfortable to presenting myself as I am, even if many people see me as male. As long as I know, within, that my body is closer to female, I'll be happy.
This thread has really helped me. It's nice to see people in the same boat.
I originally wanted to find stories or videos of people like me...I guess now I'm deep into writing the story.
This is a great topic and something I have been thinking about since I really started establishing myself career-wise. I honestly didn't think there was anyone out there with the same feelings on the matter.
I plan on starting HRT this fall and was planning on documenting the experience. Not sure how yet. I'd love to do YouTube, but I'm still a little worried about privacy and people at my work finding out, though I admit my feelings may change by then.
Quote from: Nobuko on March 12, 2011, 08:40:47 PM
That's inspirational, Randi! I think it's a testament too, to the people who think transgendered people are deluded crossdressers or something. It goes beyond many gender role-associated things, and more how you feel within your own body.
I'm comfortable to presenting myself as I am, even if many people see me as male. As long as I know, within, that my body is closer to female, I'll be happy.
Same here I am comfortable presenting as male but I will tell you the more I work through bad memories and awkward feelings my perspective changes. Its interesting what almost 6mo on HRT will do to you the more I find my self wanting to be more female. For me dressing the part and passing did not used to be important but I find myself wanting some of that external validation. And I know that in my head I am pretty much a girl there is no argument, maybe in time the more my body changes the more I will be able to see it. Its tough and I know that you guys understand its just rough when your still lost in figuring out what you are.
But I do know the following:
- I know I am not male and testosterone is not for me.
- I am for sure genderqueer and trending more towards female
I suspect in the end I will settle in to an identity that's between genderqueer and female.
There's no doubt here that I'm all girl. I think about how I would look in outfits, how others do their makeup, color choices for mixing and matching, layering tops, purses, shoes. That's not guy stuff. Yeah I agree about wanting validation but that desire can lead to trouble with others so be careful. It has for me when I wasn't careful.
The other day I was asked why I couldn't just take Testosterone and 'man up'. OKAY! That conversation ended rather abruptly if I recall correctly. At my house there are good days and then bad days so I just roll with it. I could have gotten angry and defensive but I just tuned it out.
I'm still finding out who I am too but there is no doubt that upstairs I am female.
Randi
Quote from: Randi on March 30, 2011, 06:59:26 AMThe other day I was asked why I couldn't just take Testosterone and 'man up'.
Someone said something similar to me a couple of weeks ago and you should have seen the look I gave this person.
What I said back to them was "nah that's not really going to work, thanks though" but what I wanted to say "F$#k no, do you even have a clue as to what I am going through". But I guess to be fair I am not out to everyone as of yet so I can't expect everybody to know how to interact with me.
But that is for sure a component of that external validation, I don't think I am obsessed by it but I will tell you I think I need some of it to continue healing. Even as gender-queer making the outside match the inside and having people recognize and respect that is a tough one.
;P
same here :)
Bigender unicorn here-
Presenting as BOTH genders is the only balance where I can find peace. I live dual lives, spend 1-2 days a week as a girl and the rest as a guy. It is extremely important to my sense of self that the people in my life only know me as a cisgender guy or girl and no one except for my wife, son, Mother and medical professionals are even aware of my bigender nature. I've been on a full transition HRT regimen closing in on two years; go topless in the summer in guy mode, wear a bikini in girl. With a shag under a thousand hours presenting as female, I'm extremely fortunate to be able to pass very well either way.
It is possible if it is right for you.
I've been on HRT for nearly 3 months now, and I'm out to everyone I know as transitioning. Like you, japple, it's the physical body that's important to me, so my main goal is SRS. In all other respects, I'm what I've come to think of as womandrogyne - I should have a body that's female, and I'm resolving that, but in terms of gender I don't feel like I'm either feminine or masculine. I don't consider myself to be "presenting as male" but am aware that I look male to people, because I'm 6'3", and because though all my clothes now are women's clothes, they're all at the "masculine" end of the spectrum.
In trying to explain myself to the people at the gender clinic, I've clarified for myself that the people I've always most wanted to be like and look like have been my dyke friends. So essentially what I want to be is a woman who looks androgynous, a tall dyke, Amazonian :). And I expect I won't end up looking female enough to get "gendered" by people as female, but I don't care very much. I just want my female body back.
And I also feel under some pressure to confirm to people's idea of what a "normal trans woman" looks like and dresses like, it's as though the general public expect us to wear a uniform. Shan't. Won't. There are billions of women on the planet, looking billions of different ways, and one of them looks like me. End of story.