Hello everyone!
I'm a long time reader but I finally decided to join up and be a member of this great community. :)
And since this is an introduction.. I might as well introduce myself!
I'm still in the 'I don't know' stage with my GID, which I was diagnosed with in 2007. Now I'm 24 and getting tired of losing sleep each night wondering if I want to keep leaving the carefree guy lifestyle. I don't know if I'm bi-gendered, androgyne or want to be a full time lady... I just can't ever decide on what I really want, hopefully some up-coming therapy will finally help me out.
When I was a kid, I always kept my hair long even though my family kept telling me I looked like a girl, to which I didn't care.. I mean, hell, I was like 5-6 years old. I didn't realize it was that early in my life that I liked more girly things. I learned later through photos, stories, and home movies from around that time. From what I can remember, I was always so dang jealous about girls being able to wear dresses and play with dolls. During playtime in preschool/kindergarten I always wanted to play with the girls toys and I was friends with all of the girls in the class and didn't much care for guys.
But ya know, I was just a confused little boy in the south-east united states in the 90's.. I didn't know that your gender could be wrong, I didn't even know gays existed! With no access to books on the topic, or anyone like that, I just.. thought I was off. From looking at home movies during holidays, I got a lot of dolls and cabbage patch kids, things like that, for christmas.. along with some hot wheels and typical boy playthings.
When I was 8 or so, I was finally able to figure out I wanted to be a girl, and as it turns out, always wished for it when I blew out my birthday candles. I would just daydream constantly that I was a girl, wearing dresses and having long flowing black hair(which I did have). I had always been practicing writing, I got in trouble a lot at school because my writing was HORRIBLE(and it still is!) , so I had something like a diary on some random sheets of paper. These papers(which I found 3-4 years ago in some old school folder) were left out on the table when I was writing over at my aunt's house, and they talked about how I wanted to be a girl and how I was jealous of them all the time.
My 17 year old cousin read it while I was doing something else, probably watching TV since I didn't have one at home... Long story short, I ended up getting raped by him that night because he told me it would make me a real girl. This happened many times until I was about 15 years old, when my cousin had been jailed for stealing some guns or something.
For a long time I just kept it to myself, and when I told my parents they said I shouldn't make things up like that. I cried a lot back then.
Now years later, I'm no longer haunted by the images of my rape or my extreme jealousy I had as a child. These days I don't really 'feel' many emotions. Maybe just a little here and there. A majority of the time I'm just 'indifferent', and just really don't care what's going with me.
I have a girlfriend that I'm truly in love with and want to be with her forever. Even before we started dating, I told her about my GID. We've been together for almost 4 years now. Whenever I discuss with her that I want to eventually undergo HRT, she doesn't like the idea and that she wouldn't be able to 'go through that'.. but y'know that's a story for another time!
Sorry for the long intro post, but I figure I better get it out of the way before I forget.
And I did totally forget.. I go by "Alex" as my female name, it's what my mom would have named me if I were born a girl.. like uh.. body-wise! I decided on the name "Marie" because it's been my favorite girl name.. My name in full is; Alexandria Marianne Mylastname:P because it sounds kinda regal the way my real guy name sounds.
Thanks for taking the time to read this post, and I hope to go rant and go offtopic on many threads now! :angel:
Welcome to the site Alex :icon_wave:
This place is full of full-time, part-time, bi-gendered, and more. I've been out and researching for about four years and I still find myself learning something new every day here. You sound like a great person with some good advice so I look forward to reading your future posts. I'm sorry to hear your girlfriend feels that way but there are some success stories here of partners changing their mind so I hope she will change hers as well. *hug* See ya around the forum.
Quote from: Andrew Scott on January 11, 2011, 04:01:51 AM
Welcome to the site Alex :icon_wave:
This place is full of full-time, part-time, bi-gendered, and more. I've been out and researching for about four years and I still find myself learning something new every day here. You sound like a great person with some good advice so I look forward to reading your future posts. I'm sorry to hear your girlfriend feels that way but there are some success stories here of partners changing their mind so I hope she will change hers as well. *hug* See ya around the forum.
Yeah, I've done several school reports about GID and all kinds of gender related issues..but I think I know too much so I think everything and nothing applies to me! It just gets me into a yelling match in my head. :P
And yeah, I really do hope my girlfriend has a change of heart.. We've had some serious conversations as of late and I hope I can have my cake and eat it too.. instead of not having any cake at all. :(
But thanks for the welcome! I can't wait until I make a fool of myself on the forums. :P
Hello Alex,
Your post was not long, but it is sad ans all too formular.
Some of what you wrote reminds me of a posting I made a day or 2 ago.
QuoteAs far as a relationship, my spouse, too, wants to pretend everything is like it always was before I came out.
She was satisfied with that life.
But that life for me was a zombie land.
But I pushed Jillieann down inside and trying to deny she was me or even part of me.
I thought she had to be a nightmare or worst.
I really hated myself and that caused my suppress of all my feelings.
All but the most intense ones. Yes, I love her and my 3 kids.
But most of the time it was a metal not emotional exercise.
Now I (Jillieann) feel so much better and am free of most of myself hatred.
I feel again.
Yes you need to get to therapy. I'm so glad you are have an appointment.
You need to get back intouch with your emotions. To begin living again.
I'm so gald you joined Susan's.
Looking forward to more of your postings.
Jillieann
Quote from: Jillieann on January 11, 2011, 05:26:46 AM
Hello Alex,
Your post was not long, but it is sad ans all too formular.
Some of what you wrote reminds me of a posting I made a day or 2 ago.I feel again.
Yes you need to get to therapy. I'm so glad you are have an appointment.
You need to get back intouch with your emotions. To begin living again.
I'm so gald you joined Susan's.
Looking forward to more of your postings.
Jillieann
Thanks.
Being without emotions doesn't even count as living, really. I just so wish I could get her to see that.. I so badly want to feel emotions again, but I just don't.. nothing comes out! She's mostly worried about if I change if I do go through HRT, keeps telling me that she's not a lesbian.. But I know she's more worried about what her friends and family think. :/
Hey Alex, welcome to the site. I'm sorry to hear that you and your girlfriend are having a hard time with it, but you never know. Things may work out well in the end. There is a section here devoted to significant others which she may find useful. I wish you two the best of luck.
Hi Alex, :icon_wave:
Welcome to our little family. Over 4800 strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion.
Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams. Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.
But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another sister. :icon_hug:
And be sure to check out these links ( MUST READS )
- Site Terms of Service and rules to live by (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html)
- Standard Terms and Definitions (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,54369.0.html)
- Post Ranks ( including when you can upload an avatar) (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,114.0.html.)
- Reputation Rules (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,18960.msg146855.html#msg146855)
- Age and the Forum (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,62197.msg405545.html#msg405545)
Hugs and Love,
Janet
Alex hon I do really feel for you.
I have been there and I know it is a hell of a place to be.
And I mean hell. And I am still digging out of it myself.
I'm almost sure I will lose the love of my life. Almost 50 years.
But if your like me your not going to be good for your girlfriend if you do not get help.
I will just keep getting worst.
Please don't close any of your options at this point.
Hang in there until you can get into counseling with a therapist.
Hugs,
Jillieann
Welcome to Susan's, Alex. As the others have already said you have come to the right place. Everyone here has their own stories to share and are more than welcome to help you with any questions you might have, and to support you when things are less than perfect.
As a SO of a TG person this site has been a great help to me. I would suggest that you guide your SO towards Susan's or a similar site if she needs an outlet or would just like to learn more about GID. ;)
I look forward to your posts.
Hugs,
Jacquelyn