Hello everyone. First time here on the forums although I've spent a little time in the chat. The following will be fairly personal and I hope that I am not crossing any lines of decorum. I'm a 21 year old college student (Theatre Arts/English double major) who has struggled with gender identity in spurts since I was younger. I remember moments when I was much younger where there were flashes/feelings of wanting to be a girl and I remember being jealous of my sister for doing gymnastics and my female cast mates costumes. I started crossdressing a bit when I was around 14 and in junior high but after being sort of found out by my mother, I buried that deep down for a long time with only a few moments here or there where I was able I sneak it it.
This summer, I really was conscious of my gender confusion for the first time in a long time. It was the first time I really understood that "trapped" feeling people talk about but again, I sort of brushed it aside until a little while ago where I finally got a little bolder I tried putting on makeup for the first time a few weeks ago and was a little more earnest with my crossdressing. Felt very freeing and so here I am, looking for resources and just anyone to talk with. I'm planning on going to a gender specialist either in the city of my college or back home soon but I have to finish a really stringent rehearsal process first to have the time to do so. I'm really worried that in doing so, I'll end up revealing things to my family. Mom is very open minded but I worry about Dad and Sis but I know I have to see a professional and hope I can do so discreetly. Want to find a friend to open up to but I have no clue how to gauge that type of thing. And rushing anything is a terrible idea since I enjoy the normalcy I have with my friend and family and upsetting that is terrifying.
The hardest part of this for me, and what I think is fueling my confusion most, is that I am still sexually attracted to women. And I know that there is stark difference between gender and sexuality but because the two seem so linked to me (in the sense that I do occasionally fantasize about being a woman because it also seems to be linked to truly claiming and expressing my sexual identity along with my gender identity). I hear the term ->-bleeped-<- and feel it somewhat applies when it comes to these thoughts but I don't really buy the term because I feel like the fantasy is far more about intimacy which is expressive of who I feel I am rather than anything overtly base and crossdressing really lacks any fetishistic qualities for me in and of itself. But still my sexual thoughts muddy the waters sometimes and puts all sorts of doubt in my mind.
In all, I guess I'm just looking for some help taking the first steps down the road to real self discovery because that road looks really, really scary.
I rambled...Sorry. :-\
Hi SunnySmiles, :icon_wave:
Welcome to our little family. Over 5000 strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion.
Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams. Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.
But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another sister. :icon_hug:
And be sure to check out these links ( MUST READS )
- Site Terms of Service and rules to live by (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html)
- Standard Terms and Definitions (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,54369.0.html)
- Post Ranks ( including when you can upload an avatar) (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,114.0.html.)
- Reputation Rules (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,18960.msg146855.html#msg146855)
- Age and the Forum (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,62197.msg405545.html#msg405545)
Hugs and Love,
Janet
Hello SunnySmiles,
I'm glad to meet you.
QuoteThe hardest part of this for me, and what I think is fueling my confusion most, is that I am still sexually attracted to women.
When I first stared HRT I was only attracted to women.
Now after 6 months things seem to be changing I fine some guys interesting and cute.
Don't know if I'll flop all the way over or not.
Many mtf here at Susan's are still attracted to women. Some are married some life partners
So that should NOT be a factor.
Yes you definitely need to find a professional gender therapist.
We have lots of information on gender issues here.
If you want to ask questions than just post there are many of us who like to share.
Welcome to Susan's,
Jillieann
Welcome to Susan's, SunnySmiles.
I wouldn't say that you rambled, it was a good introduction and helps us get to know you. I have similar memories about gymnastics.
Don't worry too much about your sexual orientation, as you know, it's different than gender identity. Sexual orientation is linked quite a bit to hormones (not entirely though) and could very well change when/if you begin HRT. The goal is really to make yourself comfortable being you.
Going to a professional for therapy is definitely wise, and will certainly allow you to reaffirm your thoughts and feelings. It will take time before everything clicks and makes total sense (or atleast more sense), but a therapist will help speed it up.
As far as coming out, my family had a similar composition (almost identical based on description). It went far better than expected, but this isn't the case for everyone. Over time, perhaps with the aid of therapy, you'll find a good time to open up. My suggestion is to do it one at a time, it makes things easier to explain.
Hopefully this forum can help you make the decisions you will eventually need to make. We're all willing to provide advice and give suggestions when able.
You had me at "Sunny" Sunnysmiles what a great name. I love happy positive people.
Welcome to Susan's Sunnysmiles. I look forward to more of your posts as well as your smiles here on Susan's.
Hug, Roxy
Thanks everyone! I am glad to be here, even though I'm not sure what to do now that I am. Didn't think that far ahead. :D
As a bit of a side story, I went to the mall earlier today to buy some things. Doing so, I managed to find an awesomely comfy men's hoodie that I can just wear around and some loungewear bottoms and a cami for sleeping in. Pants are perfect, cami is a bit tight (quickly, to the GYM!) but overall I'd say it was a successful trip. Good clothes and no people staring at me like I was crazy, which was what I was really scared would happen. Confident? A little bit more than before. Comfortable? Very. :angel:
Sound like a good start SunnySmiles.
I worst problem is often fear itself.
Yes, explore find out what feels right and what doesn't.
Jillieann