Posted this on yahoo answers as well, but trying to get as much feedback as possible.. and figure who better to talk to than you all.
Anyway here goes:
Some back story:
Long story short, I've had what can best be termed gender identity issues for many years.
I'm currently 31 years of age and first started cross dressing at around the age of six or so.
Nearly my entire life I've been confused in relation to gender, this was especially evident during my teenage years. I would often lie in bed at night and just cry and cry because I was a boy and it just didn't always feel right to me.
I've never been one to believe in a God, but during these uncontrollable crying spells... I would often find myself begging and pleading to wake up a girl and saying to myself that if I were wrong about this whole God thing, that I would worship he/she/it for all eternity for letting me wake up as a girl.
As I've gotten older I don't find myself getting as upset as I once did, though I still at times feel like I should have been female all along. Other times I feel like I could be happy being male, just one who's a lot more in touch with his feminine side when compared to the average male.
How much of this not getting as upset as I did as a teen and this sometimes being content as a feminine male is real and how much of it is mere false acceptance, due to a fear of hurting and possibly alienating family and friends I don't know.
What I do know is that those nights of bawling over being a boy were very real all throughout my teenage years.
Hopefully some people who are transgendered and even transsexual can reply to this and help me to hopefully sort through some of this confusion, although I encourage anyone to reply.
In closing I will state that I recently confided in a female friend a few months ago about my gender identity issues and the confusion that goes along with it and she has been very supportive and helpful.
I also confided just yesterday with another female friend who's also been quite supportive and helpful and she also gave me the name and card of a therapist that she's seen who's had transgendered clients in the past.
I've always been scared to seek professional help, not only in regards to this.. but additionally in regards to chronic depression I've had for years. Promised my friend I would call the therapist up and fully intend on doing so.
Would appreciate any and all feedback, again especially from transgendered people. Is it normal to be this confused? Or if one's truly trans, is there little to no doubt typically?
On a final note, I'm not sure if the therapist my friend sees is actually what one would be termed a gender therapist, I just know that again she has had some trans clients in the past.. either way it's my best realistic option at this point. Live in a moderately sized city in Missouri and don't currently have a running vehicle and a viable means of getting to Kansas City, St. Louis or Tulsa.. three places that I know have gender therapists.
This lady is technically not even taking any new patients right now, but told my friend she would make an exception in my case because as she told my friend she "wasn't sure who else I could turn to" in this area.
Anyway sorry if I came off as long winded, I tend to not know when to stop once I start typing.. all the same thanks in advance for any help and advice you might provide.
No one can tell you yes/no you are/n't transgender. You have to come to the decision or realization on your own. I had those same fits at night during high school, I'm only 19 going on 20 in July. But in any case, you need to think about things and decide, man or woman. What are you? What do you feel you are? When I look at my life, my desires, my dreams, my feelings, I feel like a female. I've never felt like a male. You'll find more support than anyone could even ask for on this website, so make yourself comfortable :) I know the members here have picked me up countless times and they are life savers. Just know, being trans is HARD. I've been on hrt for almost 4 months and its been a really difficult time. Emotions going crazy, parents not supporting me, full time, trying to pass, worrying about being pretty, worrying about making a mistake. At the end of the day, I tell myself "Britney, you have always felt like a girl, how many times have you asked or wished to be one? Countless times. Are you going to live as an unhappy "man" just to appease your parents and transphobic closed minded bigots? Or are you going to live your life for you? You're going to live it for you, because you are the one who has to wake up every morning and go through the day, and everything the day might bring you, in the body you have. You've tried to be happy doing that in the male body you were born in, but its evident that you are in the wrong body." Transition is very rewarding to those who are transgender but its also the hardest thing anyone can ask themselves to do. For some its transition or death. I don't know where I'm going, like you I don't know where to stop haha. Feel free to message me anytime if you need to talk. Good luck.
Thanks for the reply, appreciate it very much.
Very very happy to hear about your transition. At the same time sorry to hear that your parents aren't supportive.
My mom is no longer around (passed away from stomach cancer during the early part of the last decade) though my dad is still very much around and I like to think anyway that he would be supportive after the initial shock wore off, I know my mother would have been.
I think it's awesome that you were able to solve the gender riddle at such a young age, if I eventually come to the same realization.. will always find myself wishing I had that much earlier. Although I suppose in the grand scheme of things 31 still isn't old and as long as I can seek a gender therapist and find out one way or the other soon, can still start transition while fairly young if it comes to that point.
Thanks for the warm welcome by the way, can tell I'll like it here.
Quick edit:
I like the way you put the first part of your reply, about more or less looking within. I've tried to do so many times and come to the same conclusion... confusion, just tells me I need to soul search a little harder (and of course find a suitable gender therapist as well)
I do know that I like some stereotypically male things. Sports.. not as much playing, but love to watch them... video games etc.
I also know that at times I've longed to be things like pretty.. to wear dresses and the like, without fear of being scorned or beat up for it.
I guess what it comes down to is I'm still confused haha.
Regardless I plan on getting to the bottom of things, thanks again.. guess that was actually a 'not' so quick edit ^_^
Hi Tiffany Marie
Welcome to Susan's and thank you for telling us your story. How you tell your story, rambling or not, the main thing is you are talking about it instead of bottling it up. Talking to us certainly helps you to answer any questions that you may have about your gender issues. All you have to do is ask and there is always someone who will be able to do so.
You have already done one the most important steps you can do and that is to confided in a friend and with good fortune, that friend is supportive of your needs, especially the one who helped you in getting in contact with a therapist, she may not have all the answers, but hopefully she will can find someone more appropriate for you needs if that is the case.
Have a look around Susan's and I'm sure will find a lot of information that is of use to you. Take care and all the best.
Edit:
You are right 31 years is young and yes of course one can also say or wish "that I could have done this a lot earlier. I like you I was 32 when I had my surgery and that was 20 years ago and of course there are others around here who started much later.
Doing stereotypically male things is ok and natal females can also do the same things in this day and age.
The things that you have done are a part of you and whether you continue to do those things is up to you.
Use the Internet and Susan's to find your answers.
Kind regards
Sarah B
Thank you Sarah!
Yes I have some great friends and appreciate the initial support I've gotten from the only two I've mentioned this to.
Truth be told I've told friends yes.. but to this point neither person I've told has been a friend that I hang out with on a day to day basis. Having to potentially tell my best friend, a guy I've known since kindergarten scares the hell out of me.. having to tell anyone does, but him especially.
In some ways more than telling most of my family members, hopefully he would be supportive. Regardless will cross the bridge if/when I come to it.
Thanks again to you both
Quote from: tiffany_marie on January 21, 2011, 03:00:56 AM
Thanks for the reply, appreciate it very much.
Very very happy to hear about your transition. At the same time sorry to hear that your parents aren't supportive.
My mom is no longer around (passed away from stomach cancer during the early part of the last decade) though my dad is still very much around and I like to think anyway that he would be supportive after the initial shock wore off, I know my mother would have been.
I think it's awesome that you were able to solve the gender riddle at such a young age, if I eventually come to the same realization.. will always find myself wishing I had that much earlier. Although I suppose in the grand scheme of things 31 still isn't old and as long as I can seek a gender therapist and find out one way or the other soon, can still start transition while fairly young if it comes to that point.
Thanks for the warm welcome by the way, can tell I'll like it here.
Quick edit:
I like the way you put the first part of your reply, about more or less looking within. I've tried to do so many times and come to the same conclusion... confusion, just tells me I need to soul search a little harder (and of course find a suitable gender therapist as well)
I do know that I like some stereotypically male things. Sports.. not as much playing, but love to watch them... video games etc.
I also know that at times I've longed to be things like pretty.. to wear dresses and the like, without fear of being scorned or beat up for it.
I guess what it comes down to is I'm still confused haha.
Regardless I plan on getting to the bottom of things, thanks again.. guess that was actually a 'not' so quick edit ^_^
Some things I thought about when I was doing my own soul searching was a simple question of man or woman?
I want to get married, have kids, have a job, having a normal life, hang out with my best friend, go to the beach, go clubbing, have a boyfriend, dress up
I don't want to have bad break ups, bad credit, be in debt, go through a personal emergency/crisis, death in the family/friends etc, be creeped on,
Things that happen day to day - Grocery shopping, driving in my car, going to work,
I feel like a woman, and I want to be a woman in every situation I listed here and in many more. I can't think of one thing I would even kind of like doing in a male body.
Another thing I realized, while I do love my jeans, I don't want to wear just pants all the time. The clothes I've worn all my life, though I never realized this, I felt trapped in them. Its funny how I've always LOVED fashion clothes etc but I never liked what I had to wear. I was much more interested in what my sisters wore.
Then when I went to start hormone therapy I thought, why do I want to take female hormones? I want to grow breasts (and AM! :D :D :D), I want to have a more feminine face and body shape, I don't want to lose hair on my head, I want to lose hair on my body, I don't want any more hair growing on my face, I want softer skin, I want to be able to cry when I need to, and I'm not sure if hormones do this but I remember when I was like in middle school I read something about how when a girl is cold a boy should cuddle with her because boys are naturally warmer then girls, and it made me really sad that my boyfriend wouldn't be warmer than me. lol. Now if I ever get a boyfriend, I'm sure he will be lol.
Then I started taking hormones and thought, I want to get srs one day. I don't want to have a penis anymore. Except for personal use, *cough* lol, its very much useless to me. Even when I identified as gay all I wanted to do was give ->-bleeped-<-s to a guy, but I never wanted anal or to give anal or to get oral. This puzzled anyone I told and it never crossed my mind until someone pointed it out. I thought about being post op and being intimate, I want to get wet, not hard. I want to get oral with a vagina, not a ->-bleeped-<-. I want to be penetrated in a vagina, not in the butt. That's what I want. Then I realized, sex can't be the only reason to get/want srs can it? And I thought of why else I would possibly spend 8-20 thousand dollars on a vagina, tucking hurts like a bitch, but I've always been so uncomfortable with having a bulge in my pants. I've always been bothered by my penis just hanging around and getting in the way. It doesn't work with clothes that I feel I should be able to wear. I used to be kinda heavy and that made me uncomfortable to be shirtless but when I was younger and stick thin, I remember always wanting to keep my shirt on in the pool etc, and did so often.
To me, at the end of the day, how do you feel? You can be a woman and like sports and video games. My besties whole family (4 girls and 3 boys) are football fanatics to the point where if theirs a Bears game on, I'm scared to go over. My family (5 girls and 1 boy) we are all into video games. Some more than others but we grew up playing a video games with each other. My dad used to crochet lol. So you can't be like, well I like being manly sometimes I can't CAN'T be trans.
Sorry if I'm rambling or make no sense. I'm tired, 2:30 AM, but I can't sleep =/ haha
tiffany
If it makes any difference to you. I can really understand and identify with the feeling you describe.
As has been said, it's up to you to decide, well, everything.
But I will suggest, it isn't something that can be pushed to the back.
I didn't really give up, as such, I just thought I'd wait for an opportunity to arise, which didn't. The information we have now, wasn't available for me then. But I still have regrets.
Not good.
Tiffany Marie,
Welcome! The only thing I will add to the fine responses before me is that there isn't a typical transsexual anymore than there is a typical woman. We all have different likes and dislikes and that is ok. I didn't play with dolls when I was a little boy, but then again neither did my wife and no one would dare tell her she isn't a woman.
The confusion you feel is normal and is not necessarily indicative of anything. Some of us figure it out quicker than others and some wait until quite late in life. 31 is not old. I am nearly 40 and there are older people here on Susan's. This is an exciting journey you are taking, but the final destination is something only you can decide.
There's a lot of complexity about gender identity and it's not as cut and dry as being a male or female sometimes. That's something you learn if you research enough. You mention sometimes being content with being a feminine male and sometimes not. That could be due to confusion, or it could be because you are more Gender Queer than Transsexual. (They are both Transgendered, but not quite the same thing.)
I can relate to your situation a lot. I won't get into the long boring details, unless you really think they'll help, but I was very confused most of my life about my gender role. I was always somewhere in between what western society considers male and female.
I had to do a lot of soul searching to realize why I was always depressed and it turns out the answer is that I hated everything "male" about myself. Bodyshape, hair, voice, etc ....
I would recommend you see the therapist your friend recommended. The therapist will help you figure out exactly what you're feeling and why and help you navigate through the confusion. If you feel that your therapist is working against you and not with you to determine who you are inside, find another therapist. :)
It may turn out you're just a really effeminate male, or you may end up deciding you are trans and transition to a different gender. But I think that's up to you to decide, not the therapist. They are there to help you deal with the anxiety and depression and all the other things that go along with this self discovery process.
That's my 2 cents. ;P
Thanks for all the new responses, appreciate it immensely.
I attempted to do a little soul searching last night and my emotions (and the tears that go along with them) came pouring out, much like they used to when I was a teenager.
I don't think I like being a boy and don't think I really want to be one anymore. I was absolutely miserable at work today, I'm the night supervisor at a local grocery store and I know that I unintentionally snapped at some employees today. Wasn't my intention, but I feel a lot of it was my overflowing emotions getting the better of me.
I'm still not yet at the point where I would say I'm 100 percent certain in my heart, but getting closer to that point than ever before. At this current time, I'm going to be somewhat shocked if after talking to a therapist and coming to terms with my various thoughts and emotions.... that it's not decided to transition.
Will keep everyone posted.
Quote from: tiffany_marie on January 21, 2011, 02:19:28 AM
I've never been one to believe in a God, but during these uncontrollable crying spells... I would often find myself begging and pleading to wake up a girl and saying to myself that if I were wrong about this whole God thing, that I would worship he/she/it for all eternity for letting me wake up as a girl.
You just described the history of my teenage years. I would spend large portions of the day wishing, praying, daydreaming that SOMETHING would happen to make me a girl. Maybe aliens would abduct me and perform some gender changing experiment, 'cause that's the kind of weird stuff that aliens would do. Maybe some unknown species of insect would bite me, and scientists would later find out that it's venom causes a change of sex. Maybe some freak would kidnap me and force me to undergo breast implant surgery, just because he thought it would be a sick joke to play on someone.
I had thousands of scenarios. Thousands. But no matter how much I wanted any of those things to happen, they never did. I blame my current cynicism (my bad, I meant realism) and scientific mindset on the fact that I spent so much time daydreaming in my teens, I just can't do it anymore. I can't allow any more ideas into my head which simply are not true. I can't be optimistic and pretend that everything will be OK, when all available evidence shows that it often is not.
Most of my dreams have been shattered, and replaced with pure obsession. I refuse to let ignorance and false hope rule my life. Mentally, I've become a monster. But if I were a female monster, that at least is better than the pathetic thing that I was before.