Im sad right now. It never seems to fail to be a cycle that just comes around. Am i the only one that feel that they picked up some disorders such as bipolar...on the road of being trans?i feel i have picked up many such as: Bipolar,low self esteem, just personally feel like comitting suicide lately. My mom is socially abusive to me and makes it no better for me to get through the day. I hate living honestly. I feel like its closer to my death point soon. i try not to think about stuff such as, but its hard when im the only one that trys to be positive. If a star flew across the sky tonight..id wish to wake up as the girl im truley am. Tonight will be my last night praying that id wake up as a bio girl. I wish there was someway ...i feel very weak at this point..i really need words that will boost my spirits.
I've been in the same position a few times. One thing, if you commit suicide, they win. If you move on and forward, it will be a tough battle sometimes, but you will emerge victorious.
Quote from: In Limbo... on January 30, 2011, 09:55:34 PM
One thing, if you commit suicide, they win.
I used to want to die myself, until I realized this. There are still time when I don't really want to go on in this life, but I really don't want to admit defeat to the likes of those who would like to get rid of me (and everyone else with this condition).
Dying is easy, living takes courage. Sometimes you have to dig deep to find that courage, but it's there. It'll grow the more you use it too.
Quote from: RoseBlossom on January 30, 2011, 09:52:39 PM
id wish to wake up as the girl im truley am. Tonight will be my last night praying that id wake up as a bio girl.
I also used to do that, every night hoping I'd somehow magickally wake up in a proper body. Eventually I gave up on that ever happening, but I'm still not about to surrender to the transphobic forces out there.
I think kate bornstein put it best, sometimes one foot in front of the other is an accomplishment on itself.
depression happens, it's a matter of understanding emotion before it can be harnessed.
Quote from: In Limbo... on January 30, 2011, 09:55:34 PM
I've been in the same position a few times. One thing, if you commit suicide, they win. If you move on and forward, it will be a tough battle sometimes, but you will emerge victorious.
Word ;) Don't give up
Hang in there. :)
For all the ups I've had this year already I was in that head space just a couple of weeks ago. Hang in there, the sun will rise again.
Tomorrow is another day, learning from the path behind us to create a better path in front of us. Simple life motto, but simple can be best sometimes....
Most of you know I am not a big fan of the Christian mythology. But in my lowest times I always remember footprints. And I hope that if you have never seen it before it will give you some strength.
Quote from: Footprints in the Sand by Mary Stevenson, 1936One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord.
Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.
In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.
Sometimes there were two sets of footprints, other times there was one only.
This bothered me because I noticed that during the low periods of my life,
when I was suffering from anguish, sorrow or defeat,
I could see only one set of footprints, so I said to the Lord,
"You promised me Lord,
that if I followed you, you would walk with me always.
But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life
there has only been one set of footprints in the sand.
Why, when I needed you most, have you not been there for me?"
The Lord replied, "The years when you have seen only one set of footprints, my child,
is when I carried you."
Be strong Sister, for tomorrow is a new day.
If you can read my writing, I want you to read this, especially the part on page 3 about me controlling my life (this is the lesson). This was chronicles my first concrete experience with a near suicide.
The images are large, so the file might take a bit to load. Otherwise, you might not be able to read my writing. ::)
Pages 1-2:http://i.imgur.com/nyLTv.jpg (http://i.imgur.com/nyLTv.jpg) <- 2MB
Page 3:http://i.imgur.com/Kdtts.jpg (http://i.imgur.com/Kdtts.jpg) <- 1MB
If you don't want to read the rest, the following is the most important part:
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FfuYha.jpg&hash=4a072a16c7cf4f6afeea9d939b6f708d1d6a55b5)
This is extremely personal, and I have never let anyone see this. I might take this down at some point tomorrow.
Ty all so much. Each and everyt reply was beautiful. Everyone on here as a beautiful soul and thank you for being there for me!! I cried and still crying because every reply is lovely. i love the one about the footprints, i thought that was jaw dropping. i love you all and thank you!
Quote from: RoseBlossom on January 30, 2011, 09:52:39 PM
Im sad right now. It never seems to fail to be a cycle that just comes around.
Please find something you can do that you want to do. It doesn't need to be a huge thing that causes lightning flashes and unicorns jumping over rainbow - but rather just something that you want to make sure you do before the end. It can be anything - for my depression (not gender related, but still abuse related) I would decide I didn't want to do anything until I watched the next Star Trek episode or returned a book I borrowed or ate a plate of spaghetti. ANYTHING that keeps you moving forward is a wonderful gift - it doesn't matter if it looks stupid to someone else. And when you do that thing, find the next thing to keep you going.
I know how hard depression is. If you can, see (in person) someone you can talk with openly, who is accepting, if you have someone like that in your life. If not, try to find someone - it's not a moral failing in the least to seek help (in fact, it takes a lot of strength and courage). I really wish I did that when I was younger, I would have made it through a with a lot less of the garbage I had to deal with.
There is hope in the future. I never thought life would be even "okay" for me, much less great. Today, it *is* great. I'm saying this as someone who has seen both sides - the depression and the hope. And I know how hard it is to see the hope - I've never in my life, since the time my abuse ended, done anything as hard or courageous as deciding to watch the next episode of Star Trek. And I expect I never will do anything that needs that much strength ever again. I think you have that strength too, although it may be hard to see through the cloud of depression - but look for it!
One of the things depression does is to blind us to our own strength, courage, and hope. It changes how our brain sees things - we don't see anything but a dark future. If you can, please trust my words: the future isn't dark. You already are that woman you want to be - don't let the depression hide that from you - and you will be able to express who you are to the world. (I apologize for the following if you're not religious) You will be in my prayers tonight, that God shows you how he sees you - the beautiful woman that He created you to be and is still creating you to be. Sometimes God shapes people over 9 months of time. But, sometimes he spends more time, as He wants to impart more of His skill and care on the person than 9 months would allow.
Quote from: RoseBlossom on January 30, 2011, 09:52:39 PM
Im sad right now. It never seems to fail to be a cycle that just comes around. Am i the only one that feel that they picked up some disorders such as bipolar...on the road of being trans?i feel i have picked up many such as: Bipolar,low self esteem, just personally feel like comitting suicide lately. My mom is socially abusive to me and makes it no better for me to get through the day. I hate living honestly. I feel like its closer to my death point soon. i try not to think about stuff such as, but its hard when im the only one that trys to be positive. If a star flew across the sky tonight..id wish to wake up as the girl im truley am. Tonight will be my last night praying that id wake up as a bio girl. I wish there was someway ...i feel very weak at this point..i really need words that will boost my spirits.
I absolutely understand how you feel. I've felt such a range of emotions that I've felt that I was bipolar. I also thought I had borderline personality disorder. Low self esteem? God yes. There've been so many times I've been driving over a bridge or up a hillside, and just think to myself, what if I just jerk the wheel right now? Will I even feel it or will it be over so fast that I can be done with all this pain? I've taken pills, cut myself, and been so shut up inside myself that I thought maybe I'd just sit in a dark room and never come out. I used to pray every single night that I'd wake up and magically the mistake God make would be corrected. I've fantasized about some very far fetched things happening that would right the wrong of my life. It was hard to get through, and I still have scars to show for it, but I'm glad I made it through those darkest moments. Like it was said before, if you commit suicide, they win. You may feel down in the dumps but you are better than that. All of us who have to face this condition have to show incredible strength of character, and that's something all the people who put us down and would rather we were dead don't have. Rise above the garbage. Prove to yourself that you have the integrity and character to face another day despite how bad life can be. <3
The best revenge on all the people who are giving you a hard time is to have a great life, and rub their noses in it ,so to speak. :-*
Tyyy alllll so much. You have no idea how greatfull i am to hear such pleasing and positive responses. You all are angels
In Limbo.
That was really nice. Thank you so much for sharing it with us.
The best revenge ...
Is no revenge really. Find a life you like - note: I did not say love, I just said like, that's pretty much as good as it gets - and work to that. Be happy in that, and just forget those people.
Strip everything down to the essence. What is really important? What is critical? What is just so much BS?
If you're having problem with the people around you, move away from them. There are only roughly 6,896,988,430 other people in the world right now with you, you only need a few of them.
And get out of the house. Walk, ride a bike, hike, pick up trash, whatever. If you really want a good revenge, live long and healthy. Be fit. It's a lot easier for attractive people to make friends, and being in a good physical shape is the first step toward being attractive.
Revenge is a dish... deeply unsatisfying.
Just get on with your life.
For years I heard my wife say things like "If I die they win" and "My revenge will be showing them that I succeeded". My wife has hard a hard life but it is not for me to tell her story.
I never could relate to these words but I knew that these were the things that kept her alive when she was going through the worst times.
If this is what gets you through to tomorrow then don't let them win. When we are swept away by a flood we cling to anything that keeps our head above water we can worry about what it is later.
In Limbo - Thank you. I have never looked at it that way. That's something I will hold on to.
Go to church. I go there a lot...on days where it is empty. and just listen to the sounds and the calming atmosphere. i am not religious btw but it helps me immensely.
You could give into the iron-jawed insect that gnaws at your soul and end it all by embracing the chill grave of oblivion - or you could shine with all your soiled beauty, then fade into the matte plastic background, having dreamed with the dragons :)
Dear RoseBlossum,
"When it is dark enough,you can see the stars"
-Ralph Waldo Emerson-
Please know at this moment that many people care about you....
With Many Hugs,
Suzi S.
Hi,
Most if not all of us in this community has/are feeling like you do. I came close to suicide too but I was saved from that and have a successful transitioned life. It wasn't easy, I would not wish GID on my worst enemy (not that I have any, lol). One day you will feel down and the next up. I felt like two people being pulled apart. Now I am one fully and truly myself. Its hard to explain the dichotomy I felt and even harder now to remember. I lived with my GID for 48 years, well, to be exact 40 as it was at age 8 things got confused.
Self determination is the best thing in the world and holding on to your dreams.
Take care and hugs,
Stardust