Hi!!
So, for awhile my mom has had trouble calling me her daughter, because she says it's too hard to switch between son and daughter all the time. I'm wasn't as open about it then, but now I'm almost ready to come out... BUT although it's obvious that I now want to be called her daughter, mom refuses to do so...
She constantly say she has the best "boys" in the world, and when I say something about it she gets irritated and say "Oh, excuse me!! Best CHILDREN in the world" in a somewhat sarcastic tone. Many times, she'll call me her son, I'll say something about it, and she says "son, daughter, oh whatever you are!"
It's really upseting me alot... She has expressed how it upsets her that I'm transgender because it's quote "Like my son is dying..." This stresses me out alot, and is making me very sad...
Stick in there Ashley.
I am... I'm distracting myself by being weird on a random video chat
QuoteShe has expressed how it upsets her that I'm transgender because it's quote "Like my son is dying..."
There is what our support system who have know us go thru. She Just has to go thru the seven stages of grief. Just give her a break and see how she reacts.
My mum was exactly the same - I hated the 'whatever' the most.
And your mum is right, for her it is like her son is dying. She should be allowed to grieve for that.
It is sad honey, and it is really easy to feel guilty about this. It is freaking hard, you want to be called who you are, and get recognition for that but she is not yet ready to let go her 'son'. It will take some time.
I refuse to let my mom grieve over this... I will not let her be the victim yet again... It's been almost three years since my dad died, and I have not gotten to grieve once... She cries all the time over it... She's grieved enough... >:(
lol can't tell I have issues with my mother!! :)
LOL,
I have "Mom" issues, too.
I've been living full time for almost 2 years and she still has pronoun issues. It takes a long time, especially for our Moms. Be persistent but kind... correct her with a smile. When she says, "whatever," be honest... tell her that it hurts. Getting angry is the worst thing you can do, though (gawds, don't I know it!).. she's not your adversary.
She'll get it eventually but it takes time.
It took her awhile but I received a "daughter" card for Xmas last year. Patience pays off :-)
My mother is... interesting to say the least... My brother wants to get a job JUST so he can rent an apartment to get away from mom... More often than not, she is my enemy... It's been weeks since I over dosed on drugs, almost died, and went to rehab... Doctors told me to talk to mom about stuf if I felt stressed... She wont talk about what happened... FML
Mom seems to be completly unwilling to help in any way
On a side note... WHAT THE?! Random webcam chat... chat opens... people are having sex on their webcam... O_O wtf
Sometimes you have to be selfish, but your situation seems a bit troublesome. How long have you been out to her for? She could lose you too potentially if she can't make an effort to accommodate you. Maybe the motivation of losing someone else in the family might either help, or break her emotionally. Tough choices, ya? :-\
I see you're getting the full chat roulette experience. :laugh:
Lol I use omegle...
Mom has known I'm transgender for about a year and a half now. A few minutes ago she called me princess only cuz I called my brother "my sweet prince" (long story... Just a weird thing i do to my bro, he replied "ungh... Go to bed!!")
i get that mom cares and accepts me... But she doesn't show it, and when she does it's annoying. She cant just say it, she has to be all sentimental and make it obvious. Can just ever say daughter or anything, has to make a big deal about it.
"More often than not, she is my enemy..."
Then why are you agonizing over her acceptance or unwillingness to validate your choices? Perhaps you both are wanting the other person to be something they are not. While that's tragic, it doesn't mean there's no love. Time does heal all wounds. Best of luck to you.
My mom won't call me her son. When I first came out to her, maybe it was just my imagination, but it seemed like for a while she would look for any reason to refer to me as her daughter... she's stopped that, but still can't say son. Now I'm just her 'kid.'
Keep pushing it, even if she doesn't completely give in she might at least switch to a neutral.
Mom is PISSING ME OFF!!! Was talking about something with my brother, in the car, noone else but family who knows I'm Ashley, and still refered to me a "he, him, or his" probably 30 times... And she did it loudly... Why does she have to be like that?
I'm trying to start a personal website, but I need a name... Anyone got any ideas?
It just takes time hun...she'll get there eventually
Honestly... I've almost given up on her... She only cares about herself...
I almost died that night I overdosed, and guess who got to cry and be comforted... HER!! I have not been able to cry or just express anything about that night cuz I had to comfort her while I was in rehab tripping on benedryl!!
I have been going through this same issue with my family. My parents are divorced and my dad called me every name in the book and we don't speak anymore. My mom actually kicked me out at the beginning of this year and I had nowhere to go I had to sleep in winter shelters and it was a living nightmare. I came out to my family 5 years ago and they didn't accept back then. I had to live on the street back then too and I was so young it was too hard so I had to go back to being a boy. That wasn't any easier. The end of last year I told them I couldn't take it anymore and I had to leave again and my job began harassing me so I quit and it has just been a huge mess since then. When I first came out I turned to prostitution because all the ts's I met were that way and I thought it was what ts's did. I hated it, it was not who I was, and I had to go through a lot of pain because of it. When I came back out recently my family expected me to just become a whore again. I definitely had that option but recently I had fallen deeply in love with someone who lived far away on the other side of the country and there was no way I could have sex with anyone let alone sell myself again. I had an offer to go live with someone who pay for all my surgeries and I would have my own room and anything else I wanted but the catch was I had to have sex with him.
I was going to go with him but I just couldn't get myself to go! It was not because of the sex it was because of my love for this other guy who did not feel mutual about me but it kept me from moving in with someone who would have saved me from the terror of the homeless life and given me all the changes for my body of my dreams. It has been 6 months since then and I never went with the guy with money or had sex with anybody since I have been out here and I have an even stronger relationship with the other guy who I fell in love with. My whole family couldn't believe I did not have sex with anyone or go with the guy who offered to help me for sex. They assumed I was some kind of slut as most all of society feels about transgendered women. Whether that is the case or not it is not right for people to treat others bad on that standard in my opinion because many, many, many straight people are very promiscuous and slutty but they receive no recourse for it from society(very backwards mentality). I had told my family about this situation of falling in love and begged them to not throw me out so they heard from me often and could see I was not a woman because of the sexual identity but as a gender one. This made them respect me a lot for this. When I use to dress a couple years ago I wore wigs, breast inserts, and lots of make up including very feminine clothing. This time I wore very little if any make up, very neutral androgynous clothes, and I was getting a lot of harassment form people around the cities I was surviving if you will.
Thank God my mom was there for me even though she is the one who put me in this situation. If she had turned her back completely on me like my dad did I would have had no choice but to become a whore for this other guy and broken my heart for leaving the man I love. Can you imagine how much I cried? How bad that hurt to be a phone call away from being forced to have sex to survive? Well my mom would let me come over more and more often and she even opened up a lot about me as a girl. I still don't dress very feminine, I have short hair just covering my ears still, I haven't had laser on my face, my voice is deep, it is a nightmare, but she has become very supportive considering she practically threw me to the wolves just months ago. I can't explain to you how hard this has been for me. People are ruthless in my city. They scream at me and call me names, and tell me I am going to hell, and not only give me dirty looks but do not acknowledge me if I am next in line, or tell me I am not a woman. I can't even believe this is my life every morning I wake up.
It makes me really sad as well when my family wont call me she. My sister was on the phone with a friend and she said, "all of my mom kids have issues". I have more issues than being transgender of course but when my family thinks of me and my issue they consider being trans as an "issue". When I talk to my family about it they become silent. At first when I use to tell my mom she use to ignore me, get angry at me, or there were times she mocked me, or told me those things that her son was "dying". After I have proven myself in a way that I am who I am because of who I am and the people who treat me bad are really the mean and wrongful people who are the ones who are evil not me my family really begin to open up to me. Yesterday my mom and I had a really nice talk about her calling me she. She wont admit it but she refuses to call me she simply because she does not want to and there is absolutely nothing I am going to be able to do about it. A few years ago I legally changed my name(my dad would never refer to me as it, it is my screen name). My mom and the rest of my family had no problem calling by my name change but as for making the switch from he to she they have not been as understanding. When I changed my name a counselor told me it was perfectly fine to address people that my name was what it is now and not what they are saying, and to say it politely and never aggressively. I have been taking the same approach with the "she" pronoun. The counselor told me it is important to remind people that they have acknowledged you incorrectly and correcting them is actually the expected way of reacting.
There have been times when people are rude or harass me I have stood up for myself and told them "I am a mother->-bleeped-<-ing woman" or "actually it is she not he and I would appreciate if you would have respect for me as you want respect". Lots of people will not have respect for you because they do not have respect for themselves, and disrespecting you gives them a surge of fake energy and for one second they feel powerful until the insult fades and they see you are not effected. They will laugh and they will howl at you thinking treating you this way is somehow right and they are children of God or some bull->-bleeped-<-, suddenly they become all holy and saints. With my mom I have explained this to her and she has realized that hate is wrong in any shape or form. She has told me it is fine if I correct her when she calls me "he", but when I do it is very awkward and stirs up a lot emotions. I have tried to ignore it and think it does not matter but it really makes me feel sad. I feel odd dressed up like a girl and living my life as a woman and then people call me "he". NOt everyone in society treats me bad, but enough do that it makes my life miserable so I have been complaining about it because I am trying to find a way out of it or find some comfort that I am not some kind of beast doomed to burn in hell. Nothing is farther from the truth. Nobody is going to hell for wearing a womens shirt or all of us are going to hell. Nobody is going to hell for falling in love, and nobody is going to hell for having sex or people wouldn't exist, and who I have sex with and what I do with my personal time is none of these other nosy peoples business. Am I concerned if they have a sex life or not? I don't even have one right now but everyone assumes I am a slutty ->-bleeped-<-got who just wants to AIDS anyway- like I said its a nightmare.
My mom has really lightened up about the "she" and "he" pronouns but it has been a war that is still not won only little battles everyday. She has taken my side and been completely supportive of my choice to transition, this is going strong on 5+ years I have begun my transition PLUS both my parents knew about this years before I came out! They always suppressed my urges and delayed my inevitable coming out thinking my attraction to men was horribly evil and disgusting. I was always confused that people feel this way because what is wrong with feeling attracted to me? Women are selfish and want to keep them all to themselves or something? Well it can't be that because there is not a straight guy alive who would not think its cool for 2 hot chicks to make out so I'm sure it is not a matter of having same sex attraction. I just don't know the reason.
Even though my mom has listened to me tell her these things and been there for me when not so long ago she wasn't she refuses to call me she. Even right now she is talking to me and she is calling me "he" and refers to me as my siblings "brother" or nieces "uncle" and I hate it absolutely a deep anger inside feels like violence manifesting(maybe it is the hormones). I am not very masculine looking I am passable when I get dressed up and I am pretty too, but I have those features I mentioned males are born with that are obvious like 5 o'clock shadow, short hair, and deep voice, plus very small breasts. Sometimes I think when I get out of here I will never return to see my family because I hate to be called he so much.This would actually make my family really sad by now because they have become fond of me for my personality, but they wont call me "she". I have to bite the bullet sometimes and accept it they have no idea it feels the way it does to me or they don't care. I have repeatedly told them and they don't get it makes us feel the way it makes us feel as tgirls. I understand it that my mom does not think I am evil anymore but she wont call me "she" because all my life she has called me "he". I understand that, and i understand that I am a little awkward looking at times, and I understand people don't know how to feel about me when they see me so they make comments or they laugh. But I am a living person dammit. No one deserves this kind of treatment and it makes me so angry we have to put up with it because years and years and years ago some jerk off wrote in the Bible same sex marriage is unholy and now all of Western civilization crucifies us and they are walking, talking, breathing, eating hypocrites. They don't obey the Bible! And we are the absolute greatest example of their prejudice and we suffer for accepting who we are and embracing our emotions. They hate us, all of them who cannot accept themselves who is the majority.
I feel like being called "he" is not the worst part of my transition the worst part is actually having the characteristics for people to call me that and that IS why everyone keeps saying that. I feel like one day my hair will be long and my face will have laser surgery performed, my chest will grow, and I will train my voice. All of this terrible experience will be long behind me and for the first time I feel like I am changing and the dreams I have wont be dreams anymore but reality. Lots of people will try and bring you down along the way and that is what breaks so many of us because we start out passive to begin with being born as a boy and making the switch to a less aggressive gender! I was almost in tears visiting my mom today and I told her how much it hurts to be called "he" and she listened to everything I said and it was a lot and I did cry but I tried really hard to stop it. She was really sweet and told me it had nothing to do with thinking I was a bad person or a boy just that she couldn't feel I was any different. So in a way it is nice to feel that relationship with my mom but it does not make me feel any less uncomfortable when they say "he". My mom was telling me about a lesbian who was borderline f2m but said this person was obviously a women just had all the other characteristics as a man(such as clothes and hair style) but my mom referred to this person as a "he". I am so baffled at it. Why is it my mom referred to this person as a "lesbian" and a "he"- it is an uneducated lifestyle.
Recently I found out I am going to be making some good money at a job I just got. I will finally be able to pay for all the things I need to work on for myself and soon the choice to be away from my family will be available. I think often I will never come back or maybe not for years. But likely that will not be the case. I feel like I will be able to afford nicer clothes and facial hair removal and have the other changes take place in the near future and it will not be as hard as it is for me now and in the past. My family really does love me they just do not know that it the way it feels when they call me "he" it is like ignoring all the sadness I have gone through and all the pain is pointless just to be a "boy" still. They are clueless in my opinion. Even though I have a short time to go living this way it is not any easier dealing with it. Everyday it is like breaking through a brick wall and I wish I could just give up somehow but there is no option of that no matter what. If people only knew how strong ->-bleeped-<-s where they would be awarding us metals, not throwing us away.
SkylerKts.
Thank you for your text. I have read every word. You really have been through a lot and I know many of us here will feel as supportive toward you as I do.
QuoteNo one deserves this kind of treatment and it makes me so angry we have to put up with it because years and years and years ago some jerk off wrote in the Bible same sex marriage is unholy and now all of Western civilization crucifies us and they are walking, talking, breathing, eating hypocrites. They don't obey the Bible! And we are the absolute greatest example of their prejudice and we suffer for accepting who we are and embracing our emotions. They hate us, all of them who cannot accept themselves who is the majority
.
You are perfectly correct. But like all bullies, people who cite the bible are just trying to justify their own inadequacy.
Jesus said nothing about sexuality apart from referencing adultry, which is more a betrayal of trust.
As for the rest, if you wish to take it all literally, then time to stone your daughter to death if she gets raped and stop mixing weaves.
I hope you don't mind me citing this part of your text. It was the way it was used to justify the terrible things that were done to you. Though I don't doubt these bullies will try to find others.
You didn't deserve this at all. It was disgusting and utterly wrong. You must be absolutely certain of that.
Take care.
Quote from: Ashleyjadeism on February 03, 2011, 05:02:24 PM
Honestly... I've almost given up on her... She only cares about herself...
I almost died that night I overdosed, and guess who got to cry and be comforted... HER!! I have not been able to cry or just express anything about that night cuz I had to comfort her while I was in rehab tripping on benedryl!!
i remember you talking about that before. she sounds like she has issues of her own she needs to work out.
ashley I had almost the same exact problem...my mother was quicker to call me daughter but she would tell me she feels like shes lying because she had a son....the main problem with me though was my step dad, for him having the nerve to call me his child in the first place after the way he treated me at first but to take it a step farther and just say my name not even "oh this is my" such and such...just "this is momoka" and he did and will still do sometimes the "whatever" thing.... anyways i was getting to a point about the mom thing lol...she said its like she was laying to rest her son but gaining a daughter. She said that I was always a girl in her eyes but it was hard for her to grasp it let alone accept it. but soon enough she came around and now she says "she, her, daughter" when in refference to me even when she talks about my child and babyhood. moral of the story is i know its hard but just hold out a little longer and she'll come around just give her time. and hey do what I did I just tried to avoid conversations about those things :3
Quote from: spacial on May 28, 2011, 12:44:11 PM
Jesus said nothing about sexuality apart from referencing adultry, which is more a betrayal of trust.
Actually, Jesus did say something about sexualit
Mather 19:12
for there are eunuchs who from the mother's womb were so born; and there are eunuchs who were made eunuchs by men; and there are eunuchs who kept themselves eunuchs because of the reign of the heavens: he who is able to receive it -- let him receive
Note that in Aramaic, the language spoken by Jesus there was no word for transgender, bisexual, transsexual, homosexual, or celibate. So every male who did not conform or could not perform the roles of a man was dumped into the eunuch camp.
with rare exception, we have had years to grapple with the various issues. For those of us who transitioned at a relatively young age, there were likely elements of our youth that we look back at and wonder how in the hell our parents missed the signals. But for whatever reason, they DID miss the signals. It IS NOT reaosnable to expect them to process everything in less time than it took for us to process ourselves...and yes, they ARE entitled to time for a grieving process. Even though the vessel remains somewhat similar, the reality is that they HAVE lost an important part of their life.
I don't really remember how long it was for my parents to make all of the appropriate pronounce and name changes without fumbling a few times...I do remember that it was longer for my father than for my mother. We actually had bigger issues over their unwillingness to use the word 'grandchild' when talking about my ex G/F's kid (whose picture still hangs on my grandmother's refrigerator even though my ex and I split up more than a decade ago).
none of us really want to here about how transsexuality is biblically immoral. i know i don't, because those evangelical people are the ones that won't listen to a word we say. basically, if the bible says it's immoral, that's all they are going to go back to. it's better to just not go there, period.
Quote from: kate durcal on May 28, 2011, 09:14:33 PM
Actually, Jesus did say something about sexualit
Mather 19.12 xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Note that in Aramaic, the language spoken by Jesus there was no word for transgender, bisexual, transsexual, homosexual, or celibate. So every male who did not conform or could not perform the roles of a man was dumped into the eunuch camp.
I do apologise as I didn't make myself clear.
I was seeking to refer to those references which could be seen as commandments. The only reference involving any sexual conduct was an affirmation of the 7th commandment.
I appreciate the reference to Jesus citing eunuchs. He certainly wasn't commanding anyone to become a eunuch.
However, I'm pretty sure that most who read that reference will say that Jesus is discussing those that are born to one life or another. The diciples ask, in reference to Jesus affirmation of the 7th commandment, relating to divorce, if it is better not to marry. Jesus tells them that some will, some won't. That some are born eunuchs some are made, some feel a necessity to make themselves so.
My own personal perspective is that this is not a commandment and Jesus didn't make any new ones at all. But it does overturn any previous injunctions of a necessity to marry. It also is a clear indication, from Jesus that being eunuch is not some problem, as claimed in Deuteronomy 23.1. Elsewhere, Jesus makes it clear that what matters is what is in our hearts, even more than our deeds.
But I am extremely grateful to you Kate, for pointing this out and reminding me, at least, to be careful with my contexts.
Incidently, I am very grateful to you for the Gospel reference. It would have taken me ages to look that up.
The reason I deleted the quote in your quote is a personal piece of fanaticism. I have no scriptural justification for this and would never seek to impose it onto anyone, but I don't make quotations form the Gospels.
The reason is that, too many seek to take references out of context. The Gospels, like much of the Bible, are a narritive. There are some points, made by Jesus at one time, which he later adjusts. The reasons are obvious to those who have read the entire text. But I've had people taking things out of context, seeking to claim Jesus said one thing.
Thank you Spacial for the wonderful clarification.
With all due respect to the believers, we really do not know what Jesus said' it is an at of faith believing that the narratives in the new testaments are indeed the teachings of Jesus. The contradictions of the new testaments are many, the first three gospels have some agreement, but the fourth (John) seem written by a fanatic. The quote from Mathew do not appear in the other gospels, why? not that important?
To the evangelical who quote me the old testament to call me an"abomination." I see this quote from Mathew as an affirmation of my nature. Jesus seems devoted to the defense of the marginalized people, I do not see how he could have not come to the defense of the transsexual, specially when he clearly understood, and asserted, that "we were made that way in the womb of our mothers."
Love
Kate D
What really goads me about the fanatics and many evangelicals is that they claim to be Christian, yet hold the words of others in higher regard.
I do appreciate the faith required in accepting the teachings of Jesus, as described in the Gospels, but if we take those teachings in isolation, they make such perfect sense. (Mostly!!). Confusion only starts when we try to incorporate everything else. There are the contradictions.
Even if it could be demonstrated that you or anyone else is an abomination, the teachngs of Jesus are quite clear, We cannot judge, only God can do that.
But where's the cashe and the cash in that? (Sorry, utter cynical mode there).
Another thing occurs to me. Murdereds and thieves. They are clearly an abomination. War is clearly an abomination. Yet these people prefer to run around after the likes of you and I.
lol well yeaa note to self 'dont come out to mom' i been trying to figure out how to tell her im a girl all week. i wait til she gets drunk and she will say something where i cant possibly tell her... she isnt into the church or jesus but still comes up with words for my step dad (he was bi and probably a girl too) all of u have a lot more courage then i do! hope 1 day ill have that courage
Basically I was just making a statement from what I thought the reason so many people are against trans people- albeit from the Bible was all my point. Most people who follow religion are the biggest advocates of hate really. It is a hypocritical lifestyle and I spent 2 hours writing my response and you checked that one paragraph to comment on. I strongly believe in God and I believe anyone is entitled to their own belief and practices, but when they come against me then that is when I do have a problem. One thing they need to do is 1. Mind their own business. 2. Keep their opinions to themselves. 3. Try to at least practice what they preach. If God is to hate me then me and God can clear that up not some "holy" follower. And the reason I bring all of this up is because it in fact does mention plenty in the translated Bible that same sex marriage is a sin. That being so they find us guilty. It doesn't make sense because girls like guys so if I like guys then whats the big deal, I like wearing female gender clothes, and having pretty hair too, if me doing it is a sin then any of them doing it is a sin. And secondly not all trans people like the sex of that "sinful" nature. Of course if you are to become a woman and date woman then you are a lesbian therefore going to burn in hell regardless of not having their technical "same sex" tendencies. It is all hypocritical because it is all based on hate. God wants people to be happy not full of hate and misery.
I think i gonna have the same problem...
My mother is very religious... :'(