This is for the guys and gals on susans...almost every trans person experiences this. "The inner gender scream". Theres a certain time that she screams inside of me, yelling, "i want to come out!!" and she screams most of the time when i see sexy guys flirting with other girls and it makes me wanna be there being flirted with :(. So my inner gender screams on the inside. or when the gals get dressed up for school pics and i cant :(...my inner gender screams and cries. Have you ever experienced this? When does it happen the most?
Dysphoric attacks much? Happens a fair bit to me I find, but I can never tell what will make me have them. I've entered a weird stage when it comes to dysphoria, where I sometimes get weird dysphoric feelings because I pass (weird, eh?), I am focusing more on my incongruities and how long they will take to fix. These happen less often.
Right now it's whenever someone calls me man, dude, or sir, whenever my daughter calls me daddy, and whenever I have to hold a prolonged conversation with my feeble (working on it!) woman's voice. When I'm called handsome too.
I wonder if they note the look of utter disgust that I try to mask when it happens.
@ In Limbo: The reason I get the dysphoric feelings when I feel I'm passing is because I want to engage others and I'm not 100% confident yet. Does that sound at all like a problem you've had?
@ marina..yes i know what you are saying. it happens when someone call me sir too...its like the baddest word ive ever heared lol
I often find myself screaming on the inside... I was just feeling like that before I read your post and was trying to think of how to describe it
But yeah, screaming on the inside is a good way to put it... Unfortunately it is often followed by a huge bout of depression, anxiety and insomnia which lends fuel to some rather very dark thoughts
Various things will trigger it, wrong pronoun usage is a real killer... I know the people that do it purposefully are just being A-holes so they don't bother me as much as someone that does it subconsciously... But it is bothersome all the same
But other times it's just me getting down on myself for not progressing as well as I think I should
I've been screaming inside for years
@ virginia. yeah thats normally how i tend to get after i scream on the inside...depressed :( and angry...
I absolutely get those feelings, like I feel completely defeated for a period. Sometimes it puts me into a not so great mood for the rest of the day while other times I get over it more quickly. I get it when I see couples sometimes, particularly certain rights of passage type things girls do that I never will get to experience. It's actually worse sometimes when I see a young transgirl in that sort of situation, like people I used to see on myspace sometimes in a prom picture. This one stuck out to me as she looked so beautiful in the picture with her date, and while I was so happy that she was able to get a hold on GID young enough in life to have that experience, I couldn't help but feel all that I've missed out on. It actually made me tear up a bit just typing this. :(
Awwww :( i know its suck so baddddd. I deff know what your feeling. I also feel this way when i see other girls at the beach or pool in their cute bikinis and knowing how bad i want to wear one and just be NORMAL :(
I always felt like my soul was screaming on the inside.
No, I used to shut the screaming bitch up by buying her lingerie and wine :D
I was about 13 and my mom gave my younger sister a pair of lace panties as a present. My sister was like, "What's the point if nobody ever sees them?" It makes you feel pretty on the inside, Mom said. My sister had a dumb look on her face, but I understood perfectly. That was the first time I wanted to scream. Give me the panties; I want them; she doesn't.
Yeah, it happened alot after that.
I went to the dentist a couple of months ago, and overheard some of the female employees talking about their upcoming Christmas party. What dresses and shoes they were going to wear, makeup and hair, et cetera. I wasn't so much screaming inside as feeling a sadness that I never got to experience those things.
Going clothes shopping with my ex could get me melencholy...I liked picking things out for her all the while thinking "it's soooooo unfair, all i get is jeans and t-shirts"
The thing that really gets me at the moment are the occasions when I get a get gendered correctly until I open my cake hole. Every tiny little bit of negative feed back I get about my voice has built to the point where I a) think I sound like Barry Whitr and b) would quite happily rip out my vocal chords to avoid having to speak ever again.
Quote from: blair on February 02, 2011, 10:33:35 PM
I absolutely get those feelings, like I feel completely defeated for a period. Sometimes it puts me into a not so great mood for the rest of the day while other times I get over it more quickly. I get it when I see couples sometimes, particularly certain rights of passage type things girls do that I never will get to experience. It's actually worse sometimes when I see a young transgirl in that sort of situation, like people I used to see on myspace sometimes in a prom picture. This one stuck out to me as she looked so beautiful in the picture with her date, and while I was so happy that she was able to get a hold on GID young enough in life to have that experience, I couldn't help but feel all that I've missed out on. It actually made me tear up a bit just typing this. :(
That's so true! What it would have been like to have gotten a hold of this earlier and do all the things that every other girl experienced. The prom, school dances, etc are a big thing for me too that really trigger dysphoria. I cry just thinking about it.
Like Gina and others, I use to look so longingly at girl's clothes. On washing lines, in shops anywhere. I knew then as now, that I just so much wanted to be part of that. To be able to wake in the morning and put on a dress. Go outside with the other girls. When I got older, meet boys.
I just felt so dirty, useless, in boys clothes. Like I was some really nice person, dressed like a dirty tramp, being ignored at some gathering where everyone else looks nice.
Reading Gina's post has reminded me of how much effort I put into pushing this away, in my 20s. It was after I began my nursing training and realised that I had about as much chance of changing there as a mouse in a cat house.
Part of me always thought I was just being dirty, selfish, perverted. But I alwasy knew, inside, that I wasn't. I really am a girl. Even if the rest of the world doesn't believe it.
Right now, I just want to screem.
I can relate. Wanna know something? The weirdest things trigger it..like when I listen to an Adam Lambert song ???
But yeah...I know what you mean... I get jealous when I see an attractive guy being flirted with.
My other post was about my FIRST Gender Scream. This was my last one:
It was July, 3.5 years ago. I was on hormones since January, but still working as a male and not out at work. It was a professional shirt/tie job. My two male peers had big fat guts and looked like slobs in tucked in full-fitted dress shirts. I wore athletic fit dress shirts. We had a relaxed dress code if it was over 90 degrees; we only had to wear collared sport shirts. When it was over 90, I alternated between a guayabera and a Hawaiian print. They were two very expensive shirts with squared off bottoms meant to be worn untucked, that were femme enough that I didn't hate wearing them. Even on the hot days, the two slob-peers still wore dress shirts, that they sweated through by lunch.
One morning, I get called in onto the carpet by my female boss. Like the two peers, she's about 50% overweight. She's wearing a sleeveless black silk blouse with a keyhole neckline, knee-length dress shorts, and open-toe sandals. She yells at me something like, "How dare you wear a Hawaiian shirt, not even tucked in?!? You look like a slob yadda yadda, representing company yadda yadda bull->-bleeped-<-....."
In my head, I was screaming back at her. You fat cow, how dare you criticize my appearance? You sit there in your 2-ounce transparent blouse, and probably the biggest Bali bra they make still not able to contain you; in shorts I could make two mini-dresses out of; your double-wide feet bulging out of every crack in your sandals as if they were being pumped with helium, your painted toenails looking like the tips of a nearly-submerged coral reef poking up out of the vast ocean of flab that flows unbroken by visible ankles from your knees down - and say I don't look good enough to represent the company, but you and your cronies in mustard-spattered ties do?
I don't think the woman inside of me has the strength to scream anymore. I only hear her wimper and cry from time to time.
Well the man inside me screams when I wear men's clothes that show they clearly don't fit.
I also have a problem when people call me cute. I know guys are called cute too but it depends on the inflection the person says it with. I don't know why, it just gets to me. I'd much rather be called hansom. :-\
Quote from: Lance M. on February 05, 2011, 04:35:08 PM
oh god, i know! when i get into the changing room with pant and see how they're all loose in the crotch and tight in the butt/hips, and the leg goes underneath my shoe i want to punch the mirror.
I feel the same way. It makes me very upset.
I frequently find myself wanting to scream - almost daily. The inner woman wants out, even if it means tearing myself apart. The more she screams, the worse, until I find myself fighting down the urge to throw and break things just to get the world's attention, and scream out, " THIS IS WRONG!"
I just spent an insane amount of money on makeup and shoes. = happiness ;D
Whenever the salesperson taking my money in the service station yesterday said " $12 thanks mate", or similar. I was on my way to my Gender Therapist a couple of hours away, dammit!
Yesterday, while i was at work, i felt as if...actually i know..that my boss gives me work accordingly to the gender she sees me as!! i always scream there. :(