Well i finally did it. The one thing i was worried about doing i did it Sunday.
It had started on Saturday i had picked up some new nail polish and ear rings this past week. I worked on my nails on Saturday and put my earrings in. My mom had passed and room and asked if i had been using some polish as it was really strong by my room and i told her i had been and she was ok with it. went through most of the day ok but had a very emotional evening and finally went to bed and cried myself to sleep.
Got up Sunday and got ready for church,got all the way to church and was inside and realized i had fallen asleep and had left my earrings in and i was still wearing the nail polish. I was thinking on no what do i do now? At this point it's a little late to just up and leave. Thankfully the earrings are very small and the polish is a light coral flesh tone so a bit harder to see unless you look closely. I figured at this point i am at church fairly crowded so i should be ok physically.I just have to deal with the looks and maybe any comments at this point. Which needless to say they ranged from smiles to very dirty looks. I do realize i did this a bit to myself as i wasn't thinking earlier. No one said anything so it was ok at this point.
Afterwards we stopped at Papa Murphy's which is a take and bake Pizza place. There was only 2 other customers in the place as it was only 10:30 in the morning and i stood near the entrance while we were waiting for them to make the pizza. The manager of the place saw me and got really excited called my name and in a fairly loud voice "I got my nails done for the Packer game. I saw this really neat green polish with yellow sparkles in it" I'm thinking to myself Oh no just what i need. Thankfully nothing else was said and we were able to get home without any other anything else happening.
At this point i was a bit drained and quite a bit scared. Laid down for about an hour and i knew i need to talk to my mom about a couple of things. After lunch i told her i was getting very concerned about the fact that my body shape is starting to worry me and i was not feeling comfortable with my hair and i was thinking for both my comfort level and safety that i will have to get a wig. She started in about for some men they do get enlarged breasts and just wear your sport bras and deal with it. At this point i was starting to get a bit angry and had to walk away because i knew she was not really listening.
I went down to my office and started getting some of the orders ready for shipment.Well she came down and looked like she had a look of worry on her face. At that point everything i had been trying to get across to her came out. I just told her Mom i have been in pain for a very long time,i am having a very hard time with this,i am scared and i feel very very alone,my body is going to go through some changes and there are a lot of bad people that may try to hurt me,i know you don't understand but right now i just need your support and as i was saying for my comfort level and safety i will most likely need to get a wig.
She did seem to soften up a bit and did say i may be right so.......
After that i finally broke down and told her about the night gowns and undies as i had been trying to hand wash them for quite a while and thats not always a good thing. She did kind of like some of them so that did go well and she kind of got on me a bit for not putting them in the laundry before.
Thankfully everything did work out ok. But it did really shake me up in the morning.
Sarah.
I'm pleased for you pet. Really pleased.
Thanks Spacial,
That means so much to me. The best part was that it pushed me to finally to start talking with her more seriously about where i am at instead of just talking on the edges so to speak.
The emotions are going to be a bit raw for some time yet as i was under a lot of stress over the last 3 years and kept it bottled up and felt like i was just numb. So hopefully i am starting to get a bit better and start taking the steps i need to take. People can tell me what i should do or how i should do it, but i am the only one who can do it and just talking about it is not going to get me anywhere. I just have to go out and do it. :)
Well done Sarah,
A massive step. Another nice thing to do is keep your toe nails polished. Even if you have to present as it, you can keep the smile, and know that a part of you is true.
I'm very pleased and proud of you. Your Mum sounds as if she will be supporting you as well.
Fantastic.
Hugs
Cindy
Thank you Cindy,
It did feel good at the end to talk to her and she will get there but it is going to take sometime and i do have to keep talking to her about what's happening and where i am going. I did tease her a bit at the end though. I said you know mom you could have the best of both world's you could look at it this way you already have had the son you always wanted but now you could also have the daughter you always wanted. (My other 2 sisters really don't talk to her much so....) She at first looked at me a bit strange then she got a big grin on her face and then she gave me a big hug. :D
I am sorry that it appears i am giving the impression that i am just at the very start i am quite a bit further than that. I have already been doing the hair removal, toe nails and under garments for along time but it's no longer enough to keep things in check. I need to finish it. I still need to learn how to make myself presentable in public and it's going to take a bit of work. I am trying to be a bit more realistic. A beauty queen i will never be but if i can manage to make myself look average i will be vary happy with that :)
Hugs
Sarah