So ... a couple of years ago a doctor I see, who has decades of experience with gender dysphoric patients and is also a qualified, practising psychiatrist, gave me a piece of advice. 'Why don't you spend a few days dressed as a woman, in private, just to see how you feel?' Well, I told him that was impossible. I was living with my family, with no privacy. There was no way I could do it ... Which was just another way of saying: I'm scared to confront the truth.
Time goes by ... my marriage falls apart, now I'm living alone in a flat. So I have no excuse not to dress however I choose ... which is why I'm writing this wearing a high-waisted, tailored black dress, with a flared, knee-length skirt; a little black cardigan, opaque black tights (pantyhose to American readers!) and a pair of kitten-heeled black shoes. No wig, no make-up, not even a bra (it and the breastforms got stuck in the mail and hasn't arrived yet) ... just the clothes.
And I've learned a few useful lessons ... like, for example, don't buy a cap-sleeved dress if you've got genetic male shoulders, because it just emphasizes them, which is the last thing you want to do ... and don't pretend that your great, big, masculine feet are a size smaller than they really are, because you're just going to squeeze your toes and it hurts. Which is, of course, what girls and women have been telling you for years: the shoes are sooooo pretty. But they're murder on the feet!
Something else, which is much more important: I don't get any sexual thrill from dressing like this. It's not a turn-on. In a funny sort of way it's not even very exciting. What it is, though, is right. It's comfortable (apart from those squashed toes!!), relaxing, natural and easy. I love the way the dress feels so weightless. I love the swing of the skirt against my legs ... and here's the good news for MTFs: we do have GREAT legs!! ☺ Slim ankles, too, though I say so myself!
This is not entirely a surprise. I used to dress up when I was much, much younger, but I stopped, mostly out of frustration that it was only dressing: in those days I simply couldn't face the thought of transition – I was too locked in to trying to defy the dysphoria and make it as a man. That's why this is wonderful now, but also scary. You see, I'm 99% certain that HRT would have the same effect for me, the same feeling of rightness. And as much as that's wonderful, it's frightening too ... because I'm running out of reasons not to transition ... and after all these years ... well ... I'm getting to the point of no return, like when you've been wheeled up to the top of the roller-coaster and you realize that there's only one way to get to the end of the ride ...
Add a strand of pearls and you'll be amazed how good you look in that little black dress. ;D
Congratulations!!
Exactly.
Good for you! Have you been outside yet? That can be one hell of an experience.
It's weird, I'm wearing women's jeans, silver nail polish, and a feminine men's designer shirt right now- and this is boy mode. I was called sexy so many times in this sort of get up it's unreal. No makeup, no heels, stupid beard shadow and short curly hair included. I wish they'd leave me alone and come back when I'm made up properly though. It's not even really about the clothes, it's about yourself.
I live part time, in front of family at home and out in public when I'm alone.
I have one less than three LBD. And the right accents can make a world of difference.
Quote from: Caith on February 17, 2011, 02:59:59 PM
Add a strand of pearls and you'll be amazed how good you look in that little black dress. ;D
Congratulations!!
I have a cute beaded necklace, does that count? :)
Carlita, that's awesome. I find it such a relief to wear the right clothes for me. I just bought some pajamas and they are so comfy. I love to just sit around in them in the evening.
I've used the analogy of a dam bursting but I think your rollercoaster analogy is better. It's scary at times but there are times I put my hands in the air and enjoy the ride.
I so COMPLETELY identify with what you've written. I did some minor experimentation with my mother's clothes as a teen, and like you, no thrill, so I figured it was a blind alley. But it DID feel good, in a "right" sort of way. I did a lot in those days to "see myself" as a girl, but I was so afraid of the whole thing I ended up in denial for over 30 years. Last summer, I did my first cross-dressing as an adult. And the VERY first picture of Colleen told the tale - my smile! It was awesome! I am SO happy for you! Now, don't spend too much time holed-up inside. Get dressed, and get out there and enjoy the world. THAT is what will give you confidence.
Quote from: Carlita on February 17, 2011, 02:56:11 PM
Something else, which is much more important: I don't get any sexual thrill from dressing like this. It's not a turn-on. In a funny sort of way it's not even very exciting. What it is, though, is right.
I don't want to contradict you but I do personally like sexy clothes hehe.
In this whole thing the biggest thing for me I ask myself why I've only had one girlfriend for 6 months and I'm 36 now, even though I'm attracted to women sexually, reason: Gender is a social construction and I've been functioning ok and for brief moments brilliantly as a man. Societally I'm programmed to be sexually attracted to women as a hetrosexual man, but when relationships are going somewhere I always stop them, and the one time I didn't stop it couldn't go anywhere even though I loved her.
Why? The reason for me is my genitals are completely and utterly wrong design, this for me is my particular problem and it's the revelation that tells me exactly who I am.
I've had fun and it has nothing to do with my gender as it presently is, I want to feel sexy and that doesn't happen in the male role, sexually I'm a hetrosexual woman, genderwise I'm happy to mix it all up, but I need what is my particular feminine base, I need my hair how I want it, a fringe (USA bangs) I need smooth skin how I like it, I don't need make up, I do need breasts. I need the right genitalia.
Quote from: Colleen Ireland on February 17, 2011, 09:15:10 PM
Get dressed, and get out there and enjoy the world. THAT is what will give you confidence.
Well, maybe I'm a perfectionist - or maybe I'm just vain! :) - but I'm not setting foot outside the house in a frock until I've lost another 15lbs, removed all my facial hair, sorted out the bald spot, had at least a year's HRT and been given the works by the best FFS surgeon I can find ... so it could be a while hahaha!!!
@ Illusionary ... well ... just because the clothes don't feel sexy now, doesn't mean I don't want to be or feel sexy as a woman ... that's why I'd go to so much trouble to get it absolutely right! This girl's not hitting the streets until she's HOT!
Quote from: Carlita on February 18, 2011, 02:31:13 AM
Well, maybe I'm a perfectionist - or maybe I'm just vain! :) - but I'm not setting foot outside the house in a frock until I've lost another 15lbs, removed all my facial hair, sorted out the bald spot, had at least a year's HRT and been given the works by the best FFS surgeon I can find ... so it could be a while hahaha!!!
@ Illusionary ... well ... just because the clothes don't feel sexy now, doesn't mean I don't want to be or feel sexy as a woman ... that's why I'd go to so much trouble to get it absolutely right! This girl's not hitting the streets until she's HOT!
Word hehe. For all my flaws facially I'm already pretty good for that I am so grateful, late teens people so many people thought I was a girl even though I was in male gender mode, it was when I opened my mouth haha. Now adays I've been out in female mode though it's at night, still hesitate as I have some visible stubble, like said earlier it's awesome.
Hair is my problem for passing everyday, baldness and beard bleh, the hair (on my head) is the one though such thin hair but there's alot of treatments and from what I saw of this one woman she was about the same thinning hair as me now has full head of hair, there is hope :D
Quote from: Illusionary weapons on February 18, 2011, 03:00:41 AM
Hair is my problem for passing everyday, baldness and beard bleh, the hair (on my head) is the one though such thin hair but there's alot of treatments and from what I saw of this one woman she was about the same thinning hair as me now has full head of hair, there is hope :D
Where you still have hair follicles there is definitely hope - a combination of anti-androgens, female hormones and minoxidil (Regaine) will cause the follicles to enlarge and thereby allow the growth of longer, thicker hairs. And where there aren't follicles, well, hello transplant!
Please enjoy every moment from the beginning of your transition....
Might I suggest that you keep a diary or journal of your experiences?
We look forward to your sharing with us and hope that you will ask
any questions that you feel are necessary.
Hugs,
Suzi S.
Carlita, that sounds lovely.
My girlfriend of 5 years left me last week, and this week I've moved out. First opportunity I get I'm buying an LBD and getting my legs and tummy waxed.
I bought a pair of heels the other day and like you said, they just feel right (though I would like to lose a size when I start hormones so I don't get the aforementioned toe pinch)
I just love my LBDs!
They are THE essential in any girls wardrobe!
Caroline
@ Caitlin ... good luck with dropping that shoe-size. I know it's not theoretically possible ... but I also know girls who swear it has happened to them. So fingers crossed!
@ Caroline ... LBDs forever! ;)
There's something just so, so special and FAB about the way a girl looks and feels in a LBD (or :( and :embarrassed: not so little BD...) Feminine Alive Beautiful
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Quote from: Carlita on February 18, 2011, 02:31:13 AM
Well, maybe I'm a perfectionist - or maybe I'm just vain! :) - but I'm not setting foot outside the house in a frock ...
This girl's not hitting the streets until she's HOT!
Don't be so hard on yourself, sweetheart. There are few women (GG or ...) who are really happy with the way they look. I can't think of any I know who don't think they need to shed a few pounds or want to "fix" something. You're at the top of the coaster - Go for it.
Susan
Quote from: Carlita on February 18, 2011, 04:16:11 AM
Where you still have hair follicles there is definitely hope - a combination of anti-androgens, female hormones and minoxidil (Regaine) will cause the follicles to enlarge and thereby allow the growth of longer, thicker hairs. And where there aren't follicles, well, hello transplant!
I do I have a head of about 50% thinning hair and receded temples, I'll live with the temples if I can grow that fringe (bangs) I so so want to grow :) I have the regaine coming, there's also another drug called finasteride which I'm going to get a prescription for :D
Quote from: KatieD on February 19, 2011, 09:19:17 PM
I do I have a head of about 50% thinning hair and receded temples, I'll live with the temples if I can grow that fringe (bangs) I so so want to grow :) I have the regaine coming, there's also another drug called finasteride which I'm going to get a prescription for :D
I've used Finasteride in the past and am using it again in combination with minoxidil. It certainly stops hairloss and helps thickening in areas where there are still follicles. It's much, MUCH cheaper if you get your doctor to prescribe it as a generic drug, rather than in its commercial hair-restorer form Propecia ...
BUT ... Propecia contains around 1mg, or less of finasteride, whereas generic finasteride comes in 5mg tablets and is used by prostate cancer sufferers, or those in anger of cancer ... and as an anti-androgen in conjunction with HRT ... so if all you want for now is hair restoration you should cut the tablets into quarters and take one of those a day. Don't take any more than that without consulting your doc or endo ...
Quoteyou should cut the tablets into quarters and take one of those a day.
This is exactly how I had my doctor prescribe it. After being on it for about six months I've had a lot of hair fill back in.
Quote from: Carlita on February 18, 2011, 12:24:42 PM
@ Caitlin ... good luck with dropping that shoe-size. I know it's not theoretically possible ... but I also know girls who swear it has happened to them. So fingers crossed!
I consider myself lucky in this regard, as I have fairly small feet.
In men's I've always worn 8 and a half for the most part, sometimes 8 with certain shoes.
Might come in handy once I start buying more women's shoes.
Quote from: tiffany_marie on February 20, 2011, 10:15:40 PM
I consider myself lucky in this regard, as I have fairly small feet.
In men's I've always worn 8 and a half for the most part, sometimes 8 with certain shoes.
Might come in handy once I start buying more women's shoes.
Lucky you! I'm UK 11/US 12 ... I'm only 33 inches round the underbust, my waist is 31 inches before HRT, my wrists, ankles and hands are all well within female norms ... so even tho I'm 6ft tall, I'm not too huge ... BUT ... my big feet and relatively wide shoulders are the killers! :(