As my current situation plays itself out I must remember that the life of others goes on. My best man from my own wedding to my current (and currently lovely :) ) wife has proposed to his babymama in an effort to salvage his relationship. Bad business. I told him not to, though these things all have a life of their own.
Long story short- his wedding will be in April of 2012 and I was asked to be his best man. [facepalm] I accepted [/facepalm]
I know, I know!
He knows I have gender issues, he has known for two + years. I guess people just think that because nothing happens while you're sorting yourself out the gender issues have disappeared. I am not sure how to go about telling him that I may not be the best candidate for best man by that time, since I plan to start hrt within the next month or two. What should I do? I remember the planned debauchery and overt maleness that was part of my own bachelor party. I don't know if I'm comfortable with this after all. I... I just don't know if it will be a comfortable situation. Any advice?
Emma looking on the web there are female bestmen which I think is really cool.
I see you've changed your user name :P I really want to do that as this user name is way too sci-fi :P, I don't have a clue how to change it.
If you are planning to start HRT soon then you should tell him soon as well. Maybe a gentle reminder about your gender and telling him that after thinking about it more you don't think you would be comfortable in that situation. It would give him some more time to look for another best man, which would surely be a welcome courtesy on his end.
I was the best man for my brother's wedding a couple years ago (before I had come out to my family), and I was immensely grateful that he is not the type to have a "traditional" bachelor party. I didn't even have to do anything because we all just ended up going to a restaurant the night before the wedding.
Illusionary Weapons, (lol, feels awkward addressing you like that) you can go into your profile and change your display name.
Quote from: AmySmiles on February 19, 2011, 09:36:48 PM
Illusionary Weapons, (lol, feels awkward addressing you like that) you can go into your profile and change your display name.
Haha blame the sci-fi :P I've tried profile but I can't find the name change option not much of a sci-fi geek-girl am I :)
Edit: Got there! Thank you Amy!:) And the kind moderator :)
Quote from: LordKAT on February 19, 2011, 09:44:50 PM
post number matters for profile changes
It was like a weird coincidence I went back in and it was working, I've thanked the moderators anyway hehe.
post number matters for profile changes
With your motor in your boat I can't see anything *man about you in a full year. You should probably tell him that you might be living as a woman in a year...see what he says.
It seems like if you let it slide for a while it might be too comical of a story in the likely event that you aren't presenting as male then.
I've been married twice, and an usher once--and never been to a bachelor party. I doubt that I would like it either.
S
We went to a gay bar and a drag show for my bachelor party.
It is well over a year away. Best man duties are not that complicated or involved compared to maid of honor. Since you are starting HRT soon, I imagine that you will soon start coming out to your friends anyway, so I think your friend will find out anyway in the course of events soon. You can tell him now if you want, or wait a few months. The way you describe this uneasy union though, it might not even last the engagement, so you might be worrying for nothing too.
Show up rocking this mother
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fstatic.poponthepop.com%2Fimages%2Fgallery%2Frihanna-costume-institute-gala-tuxedo.jpg&hash=04be5f6dc64fbffb67a2ac00bf72eb16ea8dba2a)
I think you may want to politely explain and tell him EXACTLY what you are going to do. Then give him the option to choose someone else if he wishes.
If not you are cool, but either way at least you wont then get blamed, if the marriage collapses, for getting them off to a bad start by causing (perhaps in their eyes) an embarrassment at the wedding.
I've never been a best man. I was strange a kind of nearly bridesmaid once, wearing my tartan skirt, when I was about seven and my nanny Chrissy Macdonald got married, but other than that once I've never done anything like that. (I think I was probably supposed to be a Scottish page boy - but as I wore a long skirt and followed the bride down the aisle to me I was a bridesmaid.)
Quote from: rejennyrated on February 20, 2011, 02:24:10 AM
I think you may want to politely explain and tell him EXACTLY what you are going to do. Then give him the option to choose someone else if he wishes.
Yes and make sure you give him plenty of advance notice to find someone else. Non-trans folk don't always understand as much as we think. He may see your changes and still think you'll be fine to man it up for the wedding.
It's about 'the happy couple' not you, tell them what you are comfortable with, and let them make the choice.
Best man is just a term. Yes, it usually is a man. I don't think that kind of thing really matters anymore. I say just do it. You will just be the best woman or the best person.
Google: When the best man is a woman. You will find this is not an uncommon situation, and there are abundant answers. Most recommend using the term best person or best woman, but the job is the same. One site remarks that the bachelor party may be less testosterone-driven.
I agree with Tekla that the wedding centers around bride and groom, and their wishes.
S
Emma,
Think you choose the. coolest. name. ever. :D
And gratz on the "best man"-thing. I think the naming is off, but the idea is pretty neat. As said above: inform him way on beforehand and have him involve his fiancé. But as such, I think it's an honor.
Quote from: rejennyrated on February 20, 2011, 02:24:10 AM
I think you may want to politely explain and tell him EXACTLY what you are going to do. Then give him the option to choose someone else if he wishes.
If not you are cool, but either way at least you wont then get blamed, if the marriage collapses, for getting them off to a bad start by causing (perhaps in their eyes) an embarrassment at the wedding.
I've never been a best man. I was strange a kind of nearly bridesmaid once, wearing my tartan skirt, when I was about seven and my nanny Chrissy Macdonald got married, but other than that once I've never done anything like that. (I think I was probably supposed to be a Scottish page boy - but as I wore a long skirt and followed the bride down the aisle to me I was a bridesmaid.)
^This^
Let him know about your situation and tell him your intentions - there is a chance that with him knowing about your gender issues, he thinks that this is a phase and it'll just go away. It's sad that this happens, but if you give them a reason (however remote it may be) that they can blame you for their possibly-rocky marriage, they might blame you, and that will SUCK. More than 50% of marriages in the US end in divorce, and by the sound of it, this one isn't necessarily off to the perfect start. Don't let your friendship also be a causality if their marriage goes south.
I was asked to be a bridesmaid for a wedding that's happening later this year. She knew I was trans, but didn't really know.
Once I explained that I may or may not be started a hormone regime before the wedding, I was quickly kicked out of the wedding party. :P
Haha, thanks everyone. What a complicated situation, I think they are not the type of people that would be so open minded as to have me included in any way - at least, not his wife, and it is "her day."
I will have the talk with him again, I can't say for certain how it will blow over, but I don't think it will completely damage me if I wasn't involved.
Oh! For those of you who didn't know, my momma gave me my name! I love it! ;D
I was my brother's best "man" in September of 2010 for his wedding. That went... well... I guess... I looked like a girl in a baggy suit. I felt like a clown in baggy clothes. I had to wear a sports bra to keep my boobs down. I didn't take off my jacket so the bra didn't show through. All in all, I was pretty miserable throughout the entire day.
If you think that you'll be uncomfortable, do yourself a favor and just tell them that.
Quote from: EmmaM on February 20, 2011, 09:10:43 PM
Oh! For those of you who didn't know, my momma gave me my name! I love it! ;D
So sweet! *melt*
For me *personally*, I'd be willing to do something like that for an old bud, just because he's an old bud. But our situations are all different.
Quote from: SydneyTinker on February 21, 2011, 09:06:35 PM
For me *personally*, I'd be willing to do something like that for an old bud, just because he's an old bud. But our situations are all different.
I think I'd do it, it would just be uncomfortable. Even as I'm letting my hair grow and curl, my clothes get brighter, and nails grow longer I get looked at strangely by men all over. It's been a long time since I've seen him last, and I think he's in for a shock even now.
Edit: I like your hair in your avatar, it's cute ;D
Emma
This is my advice: Don't do it.
The wedding is a year away and you will have changed even more (I assume you are already on HRT and you already look feminine), it has the potential for disaster.
Caroline
Quote from: SnailPace on February 20, 2011, 03:23:45 PM
Once I explained that I may or may not be started a hormone regime before the wedding,
I was quickly kicked out of the wedding party. :P
Step daughter and her husband were renewing their vows.
Step son inlaw asked me to be his best man.
My GID dam burst and I decided to start transition.
I no longer needed to show up at the church.
I was hurt but as Tekla posted,
It was their day and their decision.
As others has said before it is possible for a woman to be best man. Incidently I was at a wedding recently where that exact thing happened, the sister of the groom was the best man and she wore a trouser suit.
Quote from: carolinejeo on February 22, 2011, 03:50:59 AM
Emma
This is my advice: Don't do it.
The wedding is a year away and you will have changed even more (I assume you are already on HRT and you already look feminine), it has the potential for disaster.
Caroline
Yep, good call. Not on HRT yet though, :(