I've been pretty moody lately and it just struck me today that I am going through a process of grieving. It feels a lot like when I lost my girlfriend of six years or my father died. Today I've been angry, sad and a bit numb and it's about things that I'm losing or never will have. I'm in the earlier stages of transition but I know that this is a one way street for me and I'm starting to grieve losing the man I was even though he was a facade and I hated pretending to be him. I'm grieving the loss of my relationship with my wife. Even though we are staying together our relationship is changing and won't be same again. Not that this is a bad thing. I'm grieving that fact that I will never be a mother, that I will never have a childhood as a girl and I will never be a pretty young woman.
I don't regret the changes I'm making, I am growing out of the shell that protected me for all those years and emerging as my true self but I just feel a huge sense of loss right now.
What I really want to know is did anyone else go through this loss and grieving and did it happen though out your transition? What are the things you grieved, what was the hardest to accept?
Sorry that this is kind of a downer, it's what I'm coming to terms with right now.
I does not surprise me that you are feeling this way. We are in that disguise for so long, it becomes like a comfortable old coat. Once we decide to discard that old coat, we can feel naked and long for that comfort again.
But there is a new coat just up ahead. And not only is it more comfortable and warm, it shows off who we really are.
Go ahead and grieve for that old coat, but also enjoy the new coat you are putting on.
Quote from: Janet Lynn on February 28, 2011, 12:52:29 AM
I does not surprise me that you are feeling this way. We are in that disguise for so long, it becomes like a comfortable old coat. Once we decide to discard that old coat, we can feel naked and long for that comfort again.
But there is a new coat just up ahead. And not only is it more comfortable and warm, it shows off who we really are.
Go ahead and grieve for that old coat, but also enjoy the new coat you are putting on.
This x100. I occasionally feel sad, but being able to live an authentic life is priceless.
I heard someone say once, that grieving is like a river of tears. You have to cross it and get a bit wet.
I, too, went through a grieving process in my transition. As it turned out, I lost nothing in transition other than the old me and the safety of living as that familar person. Still, I felt grief at the loss.
I don't remember how long that feeling lasted for me, but it was a few weeks or few months. As I became more comfortable as Kate, the grief disappeared. When I'm feeling down, now and then I still yearn for the familar discomfort of pre-transition, but mostly now I can see doors opening and am growing to look forward to discovering what is on the other side of them.
I think a grieving process is normal as long as it doesn't take you over and stop you from doing what you need to do. Transition is a HUGE change and will affect every aspect of your life. But if it is what you need to do, then it will be worth it.
*hugs*
Kate
Thanks everyone for your support. I'm feeling better now.
The grieving started once I admitted to myself that I'm moving forward with my transition and that I won't go back because it would kill me, mostly likely literally. The realization that I was not going back and would lose or change all of these things hit me hard and all at once.
Knowing that I'm not turning back I can look forward and work toward my goal of going full time.