This may exist somewhere around here, but I'm curious about the varied ways that y'all go about explaining yourselves to people who are curious, confused, or just plain ignorant.
Here are a few things that I've used:
- It's like being thrown in sewage water every morning and having to walk around while using the effluent as camouflage.
- My body is like quicksand.
- Everything I do that benefits me is approached from the female perspective.
- I feel more free as a woman. I feel like a prisoner and prison guard as a man.
- [I've recited the whole "identity region of the brain" study]
- F*** it! I'm a girl in a man's body! You simple...
- I'm just a human, I like myself better when I look and am treated like a woman.
- I'm a totally awesome experiment that God is conducting regarding sexism and gender bias.
Any others?
Separately: Lately I've been in a mire. I'm having a pity party and I kind of wonder if anyone actually feels totally awesome about being a transsexual. It may be rare, but I want to believe these people exist, I MUST know they exist. Okay, I don't really, I'm still going to plow through and transition even if I never meet these people, but I was just wondering if it is at all possible to come to a point in your life where you feel you are completely at peace with yourself and your past.
I'm struggling with this as well. I guess the easiest way to explain it, is I just feel better about myself as a female.
I usually tell people about how I used to get phantom boobs and witter on about how when I was growing up I would have gladly swapped body hair and shaving for periods.
People tend to get the point after that.
as for feeling awesome about being TS...it's barely part of my identity really, I increasingly see myself as female and a woman before I'm trans anything
Quote from: Helena on February 28, 2011, 04:52:19 PM
as for feeling awesome about being TS...it's barely part of my identity really, I increasingly see myself as female and a woman before I'm trans anything
You're right there. Female is easy to grasp, all of that other business is the realist in me trying to appeal to other people's logic. The more I say: "I'm female," the better I feel.
It's just hard when I have to look in the mirror...
You'll be amazed at how quickly the boy burns away. I know I was.
I told my parents "well, what if you were trapped in someone else's body? Of the opposite gender?" but that didn't seem to convince them. Pretty much I think the best way to tell anyone is "I'm not a man!" Along someone's usual train of thought, that would imply I must be a woman, unless they're sarcastic and make a joke about me being an alien, gorilla, etc.
It's funny lately I haven't thought of myself as a boy either, it's finally clicking into place permanently. The only reminders I have are when i have to go explain myself, or the fact that i'm still walking around in a boy suit and i cant find the zipper.
Quote from: EmmaM on February 28, 2011, 04:59:38 PMIt's just hard when I have to look in the mirror...
Every damned morning for the last 46 years, the face in the mirror looks blank, empty, vacant, like it's missing a lot. Makeup provides such a huge comfort, but it's rare and fleeting for me. My avatar photo isn't me (obviously!) but it was chosen to represent how I'd rather look and feel. (I wear a shorter red wig when dressed.) Electrolysis is taking too damned long, waiting weeks for surgery referral letters has been Hell, and hair transplant surgery is still at least a year and $15K away. At least there's been progress on scheduling orchiectomy. That's one serious positive in my life, and I wish it could have happened 20 years sooner.
- "I'm a female maybe not an ordinary one but I'm a female never-the-less"
To females
- "Imagine if your voice broke you grew beard and your hair fell out.
That's how much this situation sucks."
To males
- "Imagine your dick fell off and you bled every month.
That's how much this situation sucks"
I'm understating it because it would then require the medical establishment to then ignore them and there condition for 4 years.
Quote from: EmmaM on February 28, 2011, 04:29:11 PMHow have you described your condition to others?
Normally I don't, unless people are genuinely curious. I find that many people have "selective hearing" if you know what I mean.
Quote from: EmmaM on February 28, 2011, 04:29:11 PM
..... I kind of wonder if anyone actually feels totally awesome about being a transsexual. It may be rare, but I want to believe these people exist, I MUST know they exist.
Well I can't say that I have been overly thrilled about being TG over the years, to say the least. But since coming to terms with it, and starting transition, my BFF (Stacy Beaumont) and I have both decided that if we're going to do "this", we're going to do it right and with style. We joke and laugh about what we're going to do with this daily. We have laid out professional and personal goals and plans and worked out budgets and funding requirements. So yea.... we are going to rock being TG....(it's much better than suffering through it)
I would never say "I'm a woman trapped in a man's body." Whenever I hear that I don't get it. That brings to mind a different person living inside of you..and telling someone you have a different person living inside of you is what crazy people do.
I also tend to avoid "woman" all together. I say female. It sounds more scientific. I also want to illicit sympathy.
"I have always though I should be female but shutdown when puberty came on..it was a nightmare. Medical advances can help"
"I knew I was female since age four but my father called me sissy and beat me so I tried to be as much of a man as I could."
"My hormones are crazy town, I am seeing someone about getting it figured out."
"When I was little I wanted to be a girl and it's caused me a lot of pain.."
That sort of thing.
Thank you Rabbit, really, everyone. I am making good progress, I really am. Soon I'll be capable of full time appearance mode (within the year) and I may not have moments like this after. Luckily, my wife and I can co-exist as two women in the same household with a child. Un-luckily, it can't be this household at this time.
Gotta stop worrying or I'll make my hair fall out (or turn it all gray :o).
Japple: That woman trapped in a man's body business is cliche (and inaccurate), but it's often the very first thing that they ask. Most times I cave and tell them yeah because I don't have much of a window to explain it in a way that they can understand otherwise. At least they got the woman I.D. right.
I just say I was born defective and doctors are just now finally working to fix it.
I've been thinking about this a lot recently. So far it is only my closest friends that know about it. I am not yet ready to tell my parents/ family yet because I am still working out a lot of other issues as well, and need to wait for the appropriate time to do so. However with my friends I usually say something along the lines of
Ever since I could remember I always felt different than the other boys, and hid a lot of who I was from the world. I grew into a shell, and suppressed so much just to survive. I was bullied miserably just for being the class cry baby and very very sensitive, because of this I held back an awful lot. I remember wanting to play with the girls throughout elementary school yet never tried to join in because I was an outcast. Then High School came and although gender seemed less important at this age because everyone was past the "cooties stage" it was not really. I could never relate to men and how they viewed girls so I always found it awkward to be around them when they displayed all this macho behavior while I was very very timid with my secret. At the same time I felt even more stronger of a desire to just sit with the girls and join in on the gossip. I remember trying to use this interest in girls to prove to myself that I was heterosexual, but my thoughts were always wanting to be part of the group and when I did have fantasies about girls it was usually in a kind of sisterly way. I never wanted to "do girls" like the other guys but instead wanted to have a romantic relationship and hold cuddle and embrace that person write poetry and trust her with my heart and soul. Yet at the same time I never actually tried like the other boys to get a girlfriend. I just had no desire to court a relationship and impress girls by being macho or flirting in the way guys do. I would just sit there awkward knowing about my secret but thinking. "ok I can be attracted to girls, they are pretty and omg that dress is so pretty" I'm not attracted to guys so therefore must be strait. even though I was secretly sneaking onto TS boards at night and reading up on the experiences of other ts girls transitions and just needed so badly to experience the things they describe about being seen as a woman, passing and hormones etc.
Another very big thing also is this intense brain/ body disconnect as though certain bodily sensations are wired in my head as fantom sensations of other parts. I reacted to this by thinking I was a deviant or some sort of fetish, however a fetish doesn't last an entire lifetime.(depending how deep I am going) I remember being younger like 11 years old and wanting to castrate myself, as a kid I would try to push my penis up into my body cavity as though it felt right. I remember when no one was around wanting to sit to pee because it just seemed right.. I knew I was a girl from a very young age but due to the situation was just an awkward kid that wanted to be invisible.
As a teenager I never went out to the bars like the other people because although I wanted a social life, and to not be an outcast. Nothing about being a guy interested me, it just felt empty and since I couldn't be 1 of the girls chatting to a friend and having guys come up to use etc. I was supposed to be "the guy" so I just never had any incentives to do that sort of thing.
I am doing this transition because I need to belong and feel at peace in myself. I do not want to be a perfect stereotype of what a woman should be, but I need to transition I need to socially be seen as female and have all the responsibilities that go with it. I cannot live as an "it" for the rest of my life because that existence is just too sad, and I dont feel male and am never going to fake it. I have nothing against men, and do not see any gain of being a woman, there are no social advantages or anything like that. Excepts for the fact as a woman I can be more genuine to express myself. I can share my feelings, I can join in in girl chat, I can dress pretty, and have nice hair, I am not expected to be an emotional zombie, and just feel alive.
I have to transition and my mind is made up on this issue. I will not change over night and expect it to take several years. There are so many issues associated with this I need to work out first. Also I need to feel secure financially if I can. But there is no choice in this.
I have 2 options.
Live as a man who does not identify as male and has no ability to do so. This life will most likely be living as a hermit and work/ money but no happiness.
OR
Transition to female, open up with the world feel at peace within my own body and be able to relate to the world as a woman and be able to enjoy the things everyone else takes for granted.
I CHOOSE TRANSITION!!!!!!
Apart from immediate family there are not many I have spoken too, but I have explained that we are all conceived female. Then at about 14 weeks when the hormones make the body of some of us change into a male one, the brain doesn't always follow but continues it's previous, female development. They seemed to get this, especially when I referred to the brain studies done in the Netherlands in the 90's.
My mind and body don't fit together.
One of the analogies I like to use to describe it is, when I used to walk by a mirror I wouldn't recognize myself. Almost as if I was looking at the reflection of a stranger. I'd be like wow, I really look like that? That's the best, most simple terms I can describe it in.
To add to something Pebbles said (imagine your voice cracking and your beard growing out) I've told a few on-line GG friends what my existence as a male has been like:
Imagine not wearing any makeup or jewelry or nice shoes or anything colorful for months, day after day after day. Imagine not being able to express yourself in what you wear beneath your clothes, or the clothes you wear on the outside. You're forced to wear boring white cotton underwear with absolutely no style whatsoever. Your choice of pants is black, brown, blue, or khaki. Your choice of shoes is black or brown.
Essentially, you're limited by everyone else's very narrow expectations of you, and not allowed to live how you really feel.
I've always hated the trapped in the wrong body analogy.
I am a woman who was born with a male anatomy.
Quote from: EmmaM on February 28, 2011, 04:29:11 PM
Any others?
I describe it as a genetic condition that causes mutation of reproductive organs, including the ensuing hormonal imbalance. I read once that male biology actually is a mutation of female biology, so this is correct from a certain point of view.
Quote from: EmmaM on February 28, 2011, 04:29:11 PM
I was just wondering if it is at all possible to come to a point in your life where you feel you are completely at peace with yourself and your past.
I am at peace with myself and my past, though that doesn't include my present. This condition is not part of who I am or my past. To me it's no different than a chronic disease, though of course most other conditions aren't so stigmatized.
Quote from: Caith on March 01, 2011, 10:05:09 AM
To add to something Pebbles said (imagine your voice cracking and your beard growing out) I've told a few on-line GG friends what my existence as a male has been like:
Imagine not wearing any makeup or jewelry or nice shoes or anything colorful for months, day after day after day. Imagine not being able to express yourself in what you wear beneath your clothes, or the clothes you wear on the outside. You're forced to wear boring white cotton underwear with absolutely no style whatsoever. Your choice of pants is black, brown, blue, or khaki. Your choice of shoes is black or brown.
Essentially, you're limited by everyone else's very narrow expectations of you, and not allowed to live how you really feel.
I understand what you're saying, but for me, to the outside world, that gets too close to sounding like a crossdresser.
I think you have to target it to their level of understanding, I've referred to HRT as my version of an anti-depressant in the past. Or that despite everything that goes against the path we've chosen (to transition to some degree), how can you put a price or a condition on being happy?
Quote from: regan on March 01, 2011, 11:51:06 AM
I understand what you're saying, but for me, to the outside world, that gets too close to sounding like a crossdresser.
I think you have to target it to their level of understanding, I've referred to HRT as my version of an anti-depressant in the past. Or that despite everything that goes against the path we've chosen (to transition to some degree), how can you put a price or a condition on being happy?
Yeah, I view HRT as hitting the brakes on a runaway train, perhaps a little late, but maybe we can salvage something.
I actually know of a couple of cross dressers who have transitioned. They identify as such as well, which is odd, but they're very happy. They pretended to be transsexuals through the whole process. Who am I to judge? So what? If they're happy...
I think that anyone who says "I need HRT / GRS for my sanity" is not a cross dresser. No matter if they are autogynophelic (sp?) or whatever. Besides, there's not a woman alive that I know of that doesn't love softness, pretty clothes, and the feel of silk. It's just, you know, they don't love to doll up all the time. That stuff takes time, money, and effort!
The way I explain it to my closest woman friends is: "I have some very real problems with being the physical gender I was born into. I'm female. I may not be a woman to everyone yet, but damnit, I'm not a man."
Quote from: EmmaM on March 01, 2011, 12:14:59 PM
I actually know of a couple of cross dressers who have transitioned. They identify as such as well, which is odd, but they're very happy. They pretended to be transsexuals through the whole process. Who am I to judge? So what? If they're happy...
I think that anyone who says "I need HRT / GRS for my sanity" is not a cross dresser. No matter if they are autogynophelic (sp?) or whatever. Besides, there's not a woman alive that I know of that doesn't love softness, pretty clothes, and the feel of silk. It's just, you know, they don't love to doll up all the time. That stuff takes time, money, and effort!
I would argue that anyone on the gender spectrum finds the idea of the resulting body modifications brought about by HRT appealing. I think the distinguishing fact lies in the permanance of those changes. Crossdressers, at some point, don't want to give up their assigned gender. Anyone can say they need this, that or the other thing for their "sanity", but successfully integrating those choices in their life is another matter.
Quote from: regan on March 01, 2011, 12:24:55 PM
I would argue that anyone on the gender spectrum finds the idea of the resulting body modifications brought about by HRT appealing. I think the distinguishing fact lies in the permanance of those changes. Crossdressers, at some point, don't want to give up their assigned gender. Anyone can say they need this, that or the other thing for their "sanity", but successfully integrating those choices in their life is another matter.
You are right, and therein lies the oddity of the crossdressers I know. They have completely permanently altered their bodies, they are happy, but they do not want to live socially as women. Go figure. I get confused, do they want to be a he or a she? I love it when I'm called "her." I think the social acceptance issue is what separates us. Some of us must settle for that type of existence- a private woman's life, a public man's life- I personally can not imagine a more clearly defined hell.
I can tell you that once starting AA and HRT, my clinical depression lightened tremendously. With regards to clothing, underclothing, jewelry, and makeup, it may sound like a crossdresser, but in my case it's about expressing who I am in my heart and in my head, and who I want people to see and with whom I want them to interact. I want my outward appearance and behavior to reflect the individual I actually am, not the person everyone has always expected me to be.
@ Chantal185
i read your explaination and just cried. im relatively new to working through these feelings but you word for word described my life.
im a little in shock, but youve really solidified in my mind that im going about things the right way, and am doing the right thing.
in terms of my own explaining to others what it feels like, ive only confided to 2 people. 1 i told during a night when i was on the verge of suicide and just knew i had to keep talking to keep living. i just told her i had had a sudden realisation that i couldnt ignore any more that i had always been more womanly than any man normally would. i confided in another friend who i didnt have to explain it to, because she replied by telling me she was ftm. so i havent really had to explain it to anyone.
tbh Chantal185 your way of talking about it has given me a far better idea of how ill eventually tell my parents. thankyou <3
Hi Emma
you wrote: but I was just wondering if it is at all possible to come to a point in your life where you feel you are completely at peace with yourself and your past.
I can tell you...Yes
I think that how hard it was, transition did me good.
I've learned a lot about myself, the struggles has made me strong and because of all those expiriences I am what I am now.
Never had any problems when telling somebody, it's all about the way you present yourself, when you are a proud and strong Tgirl you can present yourself the way you want and people has to accept that or leave.
My transition started in the 70-ies and it was a hard time, but i've made it so far.
I am happy in the way I am now, and I am proud of what I've achieved in the last 30 years.
So, you have the chance of an once in a lifetime expirience, it will make you stronger than you was ever before.
You are gonna be a strong and proud transgirl ( you was allready pretty) and when you look back in a few years you can say...wooow that strange dutch woman named, annette was right about that, at least I hope so.
have faith in yourself honey.
hugs
annette
I am getting ready to come out to my church and have spoken to my priest about it and she said a letter would be best. Its an Episcopal Church and transsexuals et al. are fully welcome and accepted as laiety or clergy, but I have been in this congregation for 21 years as male, so it may be a bit of a jolt to them, but this is part of what I have written so far:
QuoteFor some of us the secrets that we have in our hearts and lives are terrible. For years we carry the secret, being unable to admit to ourselves what it is or that we possess it. When the secret begins back in our childhoods it will be terror and pain that we cannot as children put a name, or face to. As we grow older and put a name and body to the secret, we see even more terror in it and still try to keep it hidden from our daily thoughts and even more so from our dreams. We use all sorts of devices to keep those secrets out of our lives. We tell ourselves that something else in our lives is more important to deal with than that secret. We let other people demand our time, or place burdens on us that help us conceal the secret. The list is endless, but at some point in time the secret will resurface, and then we will try to hide ourselves from it in ways that are destructive to ourselves or others. Beginning at age 5, and for the 55 years after, I found convenient hiding places for my secret, but the hiding could not last, it's season ended.
.....................(Note on the fact that mine lead to alcohol and drug abuse ..........................
QuoteThe secret was Gender Identity Disorder, I am transsexual. I had never felt comfortable or proper as the male I had been classified as at birth. Trying to be someone whom I had let other people name and define and living what was in fact a lie had been too much. Once the secret had a name, other pieces of my life started coming together, holes in my past were filled, and the reasons why I did not feel right when such simple things as a compliment was given to me became clear. Admitting that I was both an Alcoholic and transsexual began a "cleansing of my heart" that continues daily now.
Two of my children who are now adults went there until they got out on their own. (I am a grandparent.)
I prefer to have had a secret hidden and guarded from myself in my heart than a woman trapped in my body. I am comfortable being transsexual but mostly I just want to be ME without an adjective in front of it. :)
Quote from: EmmaM on March 01, 2011, 12:50:11 PM
Some of us must settle for that type of existence- a private woman's life, a public man's life- I personally can not imagine a more clearly defined hell.
Compared to a life of shame, secrecy, and self-doubt, I think you've described my heaven.
Last night, at a dinner party, my wife asked Ed whether he felt strange being the only man in the room. She forgot for the moment, that the others in the room thought I was a man, too. Heaven!
It is so wonderful being able to be open to my wife (painful, though it is at times), my therapist, and my virtual friends here. I describe myself as having a male body, with male genetics, and a brain that was born female. While female brains in female bodies are marinated in estrogen, and raised as female, mine has been subjected to testosterone, which nearly killed me three years ago, and raised as male. While estrogen therapy may have its dangers, testosterone is by no means benign. Taking finasteride was like the scene depicted in some ads for allergy medicine: a gray filter was stripped away, and I could see the world in all its natural brilliance.
Next week, my therapist and I are scheduled to discuss hormones, and, later, my wife wants to be part of the discussions. I don't feel a need to change my body or my presentation much; I do need to be honest with my best friend/lifelong partner and with myself. I also need to strip away some of the false facade, and see the self that lies hidden, and let it grow and develop. I need constant love and re-assurance, and frequent cuddling. It all sounds like heaven to me.
But, I also love to hear about your transition, Emma, and wish you the best,
S
For me the answer depends as how the subject arose, and also who is asking. For example:
One morning I was inside a gas station when one of those red neck who has been looking at me said: "are you a ->-bleeped-<-?" I raised my voice and said: "I am a just a woman, and if you do not stop harassing me I am going to call the police" Everybody in the store look at the guy, and he left in rush. Mind you it was 8:00 AM I was getting coffee, and I was wearing my usual androgynous suit. I pass 99% of the time except whn I open my big mouth.
Another time, a coworker asked me as we were working together in a project: "what are you wearing it smells nice," I said "oh, thanks, it is Coco Mademoiselle." He paused for a minute and then he said: "No offense, but you are a girl, aren't you?" I quickly responded: "Yes I am, just that somebody put the wrong "piping" down there! but we are going to fix it" He look at me and we both lough. Sine then he started to refer to me as "she<" and to my delighted it spread through the division.
To my children and few close friends I have explained what we know about the biological basis of GID; you know, the BST gender identity center in the brain and its associated gens, etc
Love,
Kate
Quote from: JennX on March 01, 2011, 06:54:47 AM
My mind and body don't fit together.
One of the analogies I like to use to describe it is, when I used to walk by a mirror I wouldn't recognize myself. Almost as if I was looking at the reflection of a stranger. I'd be like wow, I really look like that? That's the best, most simple terms I can describe it in.
That is how I feel. For so many years I would see my reflection in the mirror and just stare like I was trying to figure out who that was. Later, I just tried to avoid mirrors in general.
I can't really identify with the "trapped in a man's body." Though I do sometimes feel trapped by the situation, I identify more with the birth defect explanation where my body does not match who I am.
I have not really explained it to many people, and the few people that I've tried to explain this to don't really understand. I've yet to find a great explanation for those that have no understanding - would love to though.
"I'm a walking punchline to the world's sickest joke"
"It's like being born into wear clothes five times too small, and still everyone wonders why you look so uncomfortable"
(I hijacked this from someone else but I've used it on a lot of friends) "I'm a man, end of story. I've just got physical deformities".
I've got some big, long diatribes I've launched at friends who didn't fully grasp it. I'm a mega-cynic, so none of them are lighthearted or amusing.
"I have GID, a mental condition in which my brain tells me I am a female when my body is genetically male. There is no cure for my brain currently; I can only seek ways to mitigate the discomfort it brings through my behavior and ways I interact with the world."
Mostly I don't.... It is only on sites like this that I am so open about things. IRL I live in semi-stealth.
On the rare occasion when I do say something it usually goes along the lines: "I was born with a few scrambled genes. I was of somewhat ambiguous gender and I needed some minor medical treatment in my early twenties to help me sort that out. It was all fixed several decades ago although sadly it left me unable to bear any children."
That's pretty much what I say to Jenny, "I was supposed to be a boy but something went wrong."
I am not as secretive now - don't feel the need after 37 years - I am so firmly entrenched that when I told a girl friend a few months ago she just stood there with her mouth open in disbelief.
I don't tell anyone anything. However, there are only 4 family members, 3 female and one male that know any in depth information about that side of my life and only two long time friends who also know that side of my life. Other family members have never really asked me any questions regarding my issue. They have just accepted me for who I am.
Over the years my doctors have numbered 7 who knew about my medical condition. Of those 3, they no longer have my records, so in a sense they do not know any more.
Take care and I wish your dreams come true like mine
Kindest regards
Sarah B
[Edit]Took out stuff that was irrelevant.
It was my first time out in public today as a woman while being unconcerned with passing, it seems to have had a ripple effect. I felt as though I was no longer lying or wearing a costume to hide the male. I was myself, I felt good, but also realized that my issues are far deeper than any simple living as a woman can solve. Though, doing so is proving absolutely necessary. I didn't even explain myself to anyone. :)
That sounds that you are on the right track.
No need for hiding yourself anymore, you also have the right to be on this world.
Keep on going girl.
hugs
annette
Quote from: EmmaM on March 06, 2011, 05:53:19 PM
It was my first time out in public today as a woman while being unconcerned with passing
HOORAY!! :icon_bunch:
Quote from: EmmaMit seems to have had a ripple effect. I felt as though I was no longer lying or wearing a costume to hide the male. I was myself, I felt good
:icon_bunch:
HOORAY, HOORAY!! :icon_bunch:
Quote from: EmmaMbut also realized that my issues are far deeper than any simple living as a woman can solve. Though, doing so is proving absolutely necessary.
Hence the WPATH SoC requirement for the real life experience, and the regular assistance of a good gender therapist.
Quote from: EmmaMI didn't even explain myself to anyone. :)
Exactly as it should be. They neither require nor deserve any explanation. You are simply you, as you are. ;D
Quote from: Helena on February 28, 2011, 04:52:19 PM
I usually tell people about how I used to get phantom boobs and witter on about how when I was growing up I would have gladly swapped body hair and shaving for periods.
People tend to get the point after that.
as for feeling awesome about being TS...it's barely part of my identity really, I increasingly see myself as female and a woman before I'm trans anything
What exactly do you mean by phantom boobs?
I really feel its kinda like being black in the 60s. Most "normal" people will let you live in peace as long as they are at a comfortable distance, but as soon as your are a doctor, lawer, banker, ect. It is not as acceptable. People don't ridicule publicly, at least not where I live. The most common comment I do hear is that they don't "agree" with our "choices".
And as far as being TS...Id rather F*^! a cactus.
But fornicating with a cactus won't make me match my body, so...I guess I'm stuck with TS, and at least I don't have to pull needles out of my crotch.
Love
KARII
The trick with cactus-->-bleeped-<-ing is to work from the inside out ;).