do you also have phases, where your gid kicks in and you can't think about something else. and then from one moment to the other it's gone. totally gone! you are happy as you are. in other words... you even wonder how you ever could think of transitioning.
and i don't talk about repression. i talk about the real feeling, that you are happy as you are.
I can't say I completely understand...some times I am "ok" with my female body. Like, I don't just wanna die when I think of it and being a girl my whole life. However, even in the good times I know that I want to start T when I can. It's just less urgent.
Not really. I do this by choice at the best of times, out of necessity at the worst. I don't function well, emotionally, without my eyes looking forward.
I guess I don't have moments where I'm fine.
Quote from: lucaluca on March 05, 2011, 06:17:50 PM
do you also have phases, where your gid kicks in and you can't think about something else. and then from one moment to the other it's gone. totally gone! you are happy as you are. in other words... you even wonder how you ever could think of transitioning.
and i don't talk about repression. i talk about the real feeling, that you are happy as you are.
I don't honestly believe I've ever been "happy as I am". :(
There's time that i feel like transitioning might harm my son, and that i guess i could live with my horrible male body, and there's other time where i'm quite motivated about transitioning and i believe everything should be allright
Before I started HRT, I was like that. I sometimes went weeks or months without thinking about gender at all, but then it would hit me and I would be curled in a ball on my bed for hours sobbing. Now, that wasn't to say I was ever "truly happy" when I wasn't thinking about gender, but I was content with things for the time being due to the focus on other aspects of my life at those times.
Despite the one rather obvious anotomical descrepency, I no longer think of my body as being male. My GI has quietened down immensely, so much so that it's all my other baggage that i'm having to deal with now.
Its got to be a psychological reaction more then anything else, but since taking Finasteride I've been feeling alot better about myself. I decided to test my theory and quit taking it while I visited my parents for a week. Talk about a freight train. I asked my therapist about HRT this week.
I also told him about the feeling of getting stressed becuase the GID wasn't stressing me out for a change and how it felt kind of ironic. :)
I am still the way you described. Even though my doubts of being trans have calmed down tremendously, this is one area where the doubt still lives and breathes. It is this which makes me think I am a transsexual fraud. I don't see how I can truly be a transsexual if I am fine with being a guy a good bit of the time. If it doesn't bother me why do this I say. Then, just when I think the dysphoria was just a phase and I beat it, the feelings come back and they remind me that my issues are in fact permanent and real. The tricky part is, I was fine until the age of 16 almost 17. When I hit that age, I began crossdressing and eventually it snowballed into the form it is today. I will never understand how I became the way I am.
I'm attracted to women.
When I met my potential girlfriend, I figured there's one positive thing about being male: being able to have a relationship with someone I like without having to put up with homophobes.
My love for her overshadowed my GID until we separated.
Quote from: lauren3332 on March 05, 2011, 10:20:07 PM
I am still the way you described. Even though my doubts of being trans have calmed down tremendously, this is one area where the doubt still lives and breathes. It is this which makes me think I am a transsexual fraud. I don't see how I can truly be a transsexual if I am fine with being a guy a good bit of the time. If it doesn't bother me why do this I say. Then, just when I think the dysphoria was just a phase and I beat it, the feelings come back and they remind me that my issues are in fact permanent and real. The tricky part is, I was fine until the age of 16 almost 17. When I hit that age, I began crossdressing and eventually it snowballed into the form it is today. I will never understand how I became the way I am.
I know that feeling. I tried to repress it for a while, the first part as courtesy, and the second part as an experiment (sort of.) It backfired terribly. And yet now that i'm on Zoloft, it's subsided somewhat, but still there (though in a not so gut wrenching way.) I know though that if I go off tjhe zoloft though, it would all come back like a dam breaking.
Quote from: lucaluca on March 05, 2011, 06:17:50 PM
do you also have phases, where your gid kicks in and you can't think about something else. and then from one moment to the other it's gone. totally gone! you are happy as you are.
No. I was never happy with being male. Although I did a very good job of convincing myself for several years that happiness was overrated.
Quote from: VeryGnawty on March 06, 2011, 01:42:41 PM
No. I was never happy with being male. Although I did a very good job of convincing myself for several years that happiness was overrated.
I don't think it's a true happiness, at least for me I know it isn't. It's more of your mind convincing you you're happy because you've never known anything else besides your past. At least, that's how I see it.
For me it alternated back and forth from "meh - this sucks, I really hate this, but I can function" to "I can't live this way".
Add in depression, and its not a happy place. You need to remember, things like this and depression are cyclical. Be very wary of that.
Quote from: Kaelleria on March 06, 2011, 10:43:34 PM
For me it alternated back and forth from "meh - this sucks, I really hate this, but I can function" to "I can't live this way".
Add in depression, and its not a happy place. You need to remember, things like this and depression are cyclical. Be very wary of that.
This.
I would get badly depressed and sometimes could get it somewhat better by doing anything to not think, drinking, work, math problems, biology conundrums, etc. Soon as I started on T, I realized how much of that was barely staying alive and not living. I will never go back. If I lose what clearness of mind and feeling sane that I have gained, why even try.