(Edit:// Not including suicide.)
And by this, I mean, how far would you go to not be in pain from being transgender?
If that makes any sense, that is.
I've been watching season six of this Japanese show from 2001 because I read that there was an FTM in it. So, of course, I had to go find it with english subtitles and watch it. I like seeing how people portray trans characters seriously, especially in different countries and it's even better when the character is FTM because I feel I can relate more.
Anyway, I was watching this FTM as he's going through his trans ->-bleeped-<- that all of us go through. And there's this one episode where he goes to see his dad for Christmas, and wears a suit, and tells his dad that he's going to become a man someday or something like that, his dad gets all mad, but the FTM thinks they're all good 'cause his dad starts dancing with him or whatever at the restaurant they were at (it wasn't that awkward, because other people were dancing.) But all of the sudden, his dad grabbed one of his boobs and was going, "OH WELL SEE. YOU'RE MY DAUGHTER. YOU HAVE BREASTS."
And so the FTM, he screams and runs out of the restaurant while his mom chases after him to calm him down. They run back to their apartment or whatever and he shoves a fork in his mouth and stabs his throat because he was angry and ashamed that his dad heard his girl voice.
I mean, I hate my voice, but the only thing I could do during that scene was say, "DAMN." And cringe.
There was one time during lunch hour at school that my GID was so bad that I grabbed scissors, planning to stab my ears so that I wouldn't have to hear female pronouns. Hearing them used to reference me was and is a worse pain than being stabbed. Especially then, I would've done anything to not hear them. And then my female name only added to that.
Fortunately, there's always been one thing that I hate more than having GID, and that is attracting a large amount of attention. And stabbing myself and bleeding all over the place while my friends screamed would definitely be attention-grabbing.
As well, I've heard of MTFs attempting to castrate themselves.
So, my ramblings aside, does anyone here ever get that bad, that extreme, with their emotions that they personally try to get rid of the problem? Like the guy in that show that stabbed his throat because of how much he hated his voice.
If you consider that many trans people attempt suicide due to trans related stuff then it's not that "out there" that people are willing to do a lot of stuff.
I never really considered self harming on purpose.
Quote from: Nygeel on March 10, 2011, 08:23:54 PM
If you consider that many trans people attempt suicide due to trans related stuff then it's not that "out there" that people are willing to do a lot of stuff.
I never really considered self harming on purpose.
Well, I mean, not including suicide. I mean, like amputating body parts without the thought of actually trying to kill yourself.
(I knew somebody was going to ask, but by the end of my post, I forgot to add that. My bad.)
If anything, I have a stronger drive to take care of my body now. I know that I'll eventually end up on T, and I'd like for things to be in the best shape possible then.
Quote from: Lee on March 10, 2011, 08:39:44 PM
If anything, I have a stronger drive to take care of my body now. I know that I'll eventually end up on T, and I'd like for things to be in the best shape possible then.
That makes sense. Getting the best results you can is always a good thing.
Quote from: Lee on March 10, 2011, 08:39:44 PM
If anything, I have a stronger drive to take care of my body now. I know that I'll eventually end up on T, and I'd like for things to be in the best shape possible then.
This.
Starting transition made me value myself a whole lot more.
Whenever I get some stupid thought of hurting myself in a permanent or risky way, I stop and think of myself living as male a couple of years forward and ask myself: do I want that damage on myself when I've reached my goal? The answer is always no. I use the same logic when it comes to taking care of my health in general. I may hate my body now, but I know I have something better to look forward to, so the better my health is now the better potentials I will have later.
Suicidal thoughts are a whole different story once they attack.
sometimes i just feel like cutting myelf up 'downstairs' with a knife or something, just so it would be mutilated and atleast not be a female crotch area and also i wouldnt be tormented by being able to feel 'it's' presence down there every second. same with my chest sometimes too. though i know that would be a dumb idea and such. =(
I drink myself stupid when I have cramps its the only thing that helps. I need a ->-bleeped-<-ing hysto but no one will listen. If I year well you will want kids one day or all women have periods one more goddamn time ima slap a bitch.
If my father did that to me, the fork would be in his throat, not mine.
I think it's kind of bad when you glance at the kitchen knives and consider a home-made DIY masectomy... Also, when the bleeding starts, I want to rip my stomach open and pull out those disgusting organs (they're so small! something that small shouldn't have so much power over me and my emotions!).
What's the Japanese show called? I'd like to watch it.
Quote from: PixieBoy on March 10, 2011, 11:50:46 PM
I think it's kind of bad when you glance at the kitchen knives and consider a home-made DIY masectomy...
Used to do that every day for months. I'd pick up the chef's knife a few days and just wonder... a few times, I'd trace a knife right where it would cut them off, imagine how much force I would have to use to get it as far through as possible before passing out. I seriously contemplated it a few times, when I was younger. 12 or so. Because even if it wasn't perfect, I'd go to the hospital and someone would realise there was something wrong going on and I wasn't meant to be a girl. And if I died I'd die happier than I otherwise would have.
Also around that age, even older, I'd keep pressing things against my chest to try to compress it as much as possible, no matter how much it hurt. Not even as a form of binding. Partially because I hoped it would eventually, somehow, destroy them. A few times I punched myself where I thought there were ovaries, hoping to bruise or damage them so they wouldn't function anymore.
There are deep scars left around my hips from when I was out-of-my-mind dysphoric, late at night and unable to fall asleep, just grabbed my pocket knife and started slicing as if it would actually cut the fat away.
If it weren't for my fear of permanently damaging an important muscle or artery, somehow crippling myself for life... I don't want to know what I'd have done by now.
As for now, I don't. I still get urges to self harm, but I won't let myself do it out of hatred for my body. It's trying its best to change itself now. And eventually, I'll get top surgery, and the fat will redistribute, and it will have been pointlessly damaging.
I self-induced labour with a knitting needle when I was pregnant, when I couldn't deal with what it was doing to my body any longer. I also self-induced an abortion with a barbecue skewer. Not technically stabbing myself, although there was that possibility, and it certainly felt like stabbing. (I considered perforating myself the second time to see if they'd just take the parts out of me, but I was in the military and figured I'd get in a lot of trouble for that)
Never considered harming my voice...god no. Breast amputation, though...if I could come up with a realistic way to do it, I totally would, but it's not like stabbing your uterus. It's not even like chopping off a finger, I could arrange a tablesaw "accident" for that pretty easily...but the breasts are attached over a pretty large area. Would take a lot of slicing. I'd end up passing out a few inches into the first one, I suspect. DIY surgery has to be quick.
When I was binding as a teenager, though, I definitely wasn't binding to hide them, everyone around me knew I was female...I was binding in the hope that it would keep them from growing. (Doesn't work, don't bother)
I've heard of many more FTM's self harming than MTF's I was abit of a fluke as far as I'm aware there was one transguy who dose post here occasionally. He broke his Ovaries and thus puberty by begin anorexic for 4 years. He didn't cut himself but he dose punch walls. and his historical eating disorder has left him with skeletal problems.
I know this is an FTM thread so I don't intend to derail with my story. but yeah I was really savagely brutal to my body... I've always had a high pain threshold so even compared to friends who self harmed my injuries were in another league. My body is covered about 20%-30% of my body is smothered in cutting scars covering my upper arms stomach hips groin and thighs.
When my voice started changing I did go through a period where I'd strangle myself in an attempt to change it back but I just couldn't.
When my facial and body hair appeared I'd spend hours pulling it out. I directly abused my testis injecting them with concentrated alcohol awhile back damaging but not destroying them, and before that smashing the cords with a hammer which bruised them severely. I considered cutting them out but I knew I'd die doing so and I'd attempted suicide before but couldn't go through with it.
To some extent FTM's can't be as extreme without severely damaging themselves as most of there dysphoric elements are internal. Where as ours are external and seemingly held on with just a thread and a thin skin bag.
Er....when I was younger, I tried to cut my chest off. Didn't get very far, didn't get very deep, but I futiley tried. I hit a low point a few weeks ago where I seriously thought about doing it again, the only thought going through my head was "At least I can live for a few seconds without them". Kind of ->-bleeped-<-ed up. When it comes to self mutilation, that's something I've known way too intimately for way too long. My chest was always one of the things that took it the worst, I've still got a lot of scars underneath them and I used to stick pins through them. Not really mutilation but before I had a proper binder I'd use two of those really wide belts and put them on the tightest notch. It barely even kept my chest flat and I ended up passing out twice over the summer because of it. Not trans specific but I've got scars all over the damn place, the worst being my lower stomach and thighs.
I have this stupid habit of headbutting things, too. I put a dent in the apartment door last week while I was pissed and knocked myself out. I've put my head and/or hand through doors, walls, all matters of things. I'm just massively self destructive..
Like kyril though, I could never do anything to my voice. It's the only thing I'm not dysphoric about and I'd probably lose my mind if I couldn't sing.
There were times in which I had physically beaten myself in the gut in the hopes to hurt my uterus. Hit myself hard enough to piss blood, even. There was also a period when I starved myself excessively hoping it would make me sterile. And when I was a cutter I cut my chest a few times, but majority of my dysphoria comes from my internal organs so I did my best to damage them.
I went the opposite way than most ... I ate ... when I weigh more it tends to hide the tumors more. I am also diabetic and at times have stopped taking my meds or watching what I ate. Still do at times. I figure I hate the body and it could only be better if I died sooner. Too much of a wimp to commit suicide.
Cutting and eating disorders here...I guess I never really liked my body much and would do my best to punish it.
Quote from: Yakshini on March 11, 2011, 01:08:22 PM
There were times in which I had physically beaten myself in the gut in the hopes to hurt my uterus. Hit myself hard enough to piss blood, even. There was also a period when I starved myself excessively hoping it would make me sterile. And when I was a cutter I cut my chest a few times, but majority of my dysphoria comes from my internal organs so I did my best to damage them.
That's sort of odd to me because most of the time I forget the stupid things are even there, probably because I almost never get the red death (I've been to multiple doctors and they've never figured out why). It's like the concept of me being pregnant does even work in my head or something, it's really strange.
I've considered cutting my chest tumors off but it didn't take me long to figure out how deep I'd have to go, then to be careful and not go into the ribcage, and a lot of other stuff a surgeon would do in top surgery that i likely wouldn't be able to do since I'd probably pass out from pain or blood loss not long after starting and it would probably look too terribly scarred even after proper top surgery some day so. not worth it.
i did cut up my left arm fall of junior year in high school though if that counts, it had nothing to do with anything trans related (i just couldn't figure that part out yet why i hated myself) that was mostly being totally lost and had a group of bullies after me. ahh adolescents.
i've tried to damage my ovaries and uterus during my period hoping to make myself sterile, and starved myself to cease menses, which worked. what is it about eating disorders and ftms, i wonder.
Quote from: kyril on March 11, 2011, 08:30:16 AM
I self-induced labour with a knitting needle when I was pregnant, when I couldn't deal with what it was doing to my body any longer. I also self-induced an abortion with a barbecue skewer. Not technically stabbing myself, although there was that possibility, and it certainly felt like stabbing. (I considered perforating myself the second time to see if they'd just take the parts out of me, but I was in the military and figured I'd get in a lot of trouble for that)
Holy ->-bleeped-<-. THAT is extreme. I once heard of someone aborting with a coat hanger. That must be the hell of pain. I must say never damaged my internal organs that bad...
I'm diagnosed with chronic depression. Not just because of the trans thing, I was always a "dark mind". I've always refused to get any kind of pills so my condition was...quite extreme. I'm very extreme by nature, and I got extreme likings but during my worst years of hikikomori (don't go out my room, just to the bathroom in the night) I did quite eXtreme things. In fact I think I'm quite extreme when it comes to self-injury.
Aside from the usual cuts (razors, nails, etc) and art applications (I used my own blood to paint certain drawings, just because I liked the colour) I was quite interested in experimenting with my own limits. If I pushed myself into the limit, I felt relieved in some way.
However, I started going out eventually (and, ironically, it was like punishment to push myself out home) and I got into serious problems because of the wounds, plus, this thread is not about the suicide attempts right?.
So I started to try other methods,
mental self-injury anyone? whose wounds would be unseen. Developed a "romantic" eating disorder (not eating for beauty's sake).
The worst...
I stood awake 6 days in a row. That's 144 hours without closing an eye. I didn't eat a thing during the whole time either. Just sipping lemon water I spent the time drawing, crying, painting, sculpting and playing the piano in a dark room with blue candles.
On the 8th day I started to see all kind of things. I remember keeping a conversation with someone.
I've done over workout too. Like, start to rope jumping and don't stop until I fall unconscious to the floor...
I felt like I had more control of my body doing that. Like, "
I rather torture myself before someone comes and do it for me."
Needless to say, I'm not such extreme anymore...
Ah, sleep deprivation, like the body's own version of LSD. I went about a week and a half without sleeping and barely eating, woke up one day and realized that it looked like everything had bugs crawling underneath it. Fun ->-bleeped-<- /sarcasm.
Self-induced mental scars, I'm not sure if this counts but when I was younger I'd try to forcibly desensitize myself to things that bothered me. Someone sent me a photo of the Black Dahlia and it horrified me, but I forced myself to look at it for hours every day until it stopped scaring me and eventually I ended up liking it. I think that might be the basis for a lot of my sicker thoughts and preferences, honestly.
I've also forced myself to read old messages from people I've lost, not really sure why. One person in particular, this kid that wrecked my life more than anyone else, I'd go through old pictures and letters and just sob. I feel like part of the reason I did it was because some tiny bit of me realizes that crying is normal and tries to convince the rest of me.
N. Chaos, I did stuff like that all the time. I would deliberately torture myself mentally. Over this one girl in particular...for three years I just made myself suffer over it. I could have been over that ->-bleeped-<- YEARS before I actually moved on with my life but I liked the pain, I felt it made me real. Caleb, that is. I was living life as 100% girly girl and it was the only way I could really...ever be.
QuoteSelf-induced mental scars, I'm not sure if this counts but when I was younger I'd try to forcibly desensitize myself to things that bothered me. Someone sent me a photo of the Black Dahlia and it horrified me, but I forced myself to look at it for hours every day until it stopped scaring me and eventually I ended up liking it. I think that might be the basis for a lot of my sicker thoughts and preferences, honestly.
Sounds like my ex! God, that girl watched "The Collectors" with me and she LAUGHED. She never flinched, nothing. She is so so kind, and yet...she can watch ->-bleeped-<- like that and not even care. She watches really graphic horrors, and looks at really graphic things a lot, she definitely became desensitized over time. She even gets "cravings" for stuff like that now and again.
Oh, and on the Black Dahlia...pics of her never really upset me for some reason. Black and white so seems completely unreal. I've seen Jeff Dahmer's crime scenes too and I barely cringe, as long as it is a still image I can deal.
Now that I think on it I have done some pretty bad things.
As a kid I used to punch my chest thinking that if I hit it hard it would not grow. It does not work obviously.
I recently tore my ACL and my sternum because I thought working out extra super hard would make my periods stop and I would be as strong as all the other guys.
I feel like now that I am beginning to accept this and am wiser about treatment I know all this is going to end. I can fix it and it is a matter of time. I just wish I could get up the guts to tell my family, I hope they are okay with me.
I've never had any thoughts of self harm, the way I see it, I'm in so much pain already, why would I want to make it worse?
When I was younger I was carrying logs inside for the fire and got a large splinter in my chest, I had little bits of wood in the cut for weeks, and I used to pick it and press it a lot, hoping that the lump would turn into cancer and I could have my chest removed, but that's the worst thing.
Recently I've taken to have scalding hot showers, so hot that it really burns me and I have to grit my teeth to stay under the water, and leaves my whole body tingling afterwards. But that's more about control than pain, or fixing something that's wrong. Mind over body and all that jazz.
Quote from: Nikolai_S on March 11, 2011, 12:07:23 AMAlso around that age, even older, I'd keep pressing things against my chest to try to compress it as much as possible, no matter how much it hurt. Not even as a form of binding. Partially because I hoped it would eventually, somehow, destroy them.
Me too. I would smash them down really hard and punch them, trying to break them, hoping they'd go away. Now I'm afraid to bind because I don't want to wreck the darn things, so I can get good surgery results.
Quote from: Mr.Hyde on March 12, 2011, 08:30:09 AM
mental self-injury anyone? whose wounds would be unseen.
Sometimes I wonder if the 7-year relationship I am in right now isn't me trying to mentally torture myself and physically put me in danger.
Quote from: Caleb Lance on March 13, 2011, 01:42:32 AM
N. Chaos, I did stuff like that all the time. I would deliberately torture myself mentally. Over this one girl in particular...for three years I just made myself suffer over it. I could have been over that ->-bleeped-<- YEARS before I actually moved on with my life but I liked the pain, I felt it made me real. Caleb, that is. I was living life as 100% girly girl and it was the only way I could really...ever be.
Sounds like my ex! God, that girl watched "The Collectors" with me and she LAUGHED. She never flinched, nothing. She is so so kind, and yet...she can watch ->-bleeped-<- like that and not even care. She watches really graphic horrors, and looks at really graphic things a lot, she definitely became desensitized over time. She even gets "cravings" for stuff like that now and again.
What's The Collectors? I'm definitely intrigued now. The cravings thing...that's not easy. It sounds ridiculous and I never sound like it because it makes me feel ->-bleeped-<-crazy.
I have to confess, I spent a long time online trying to find pictures of Dahmer's victims.
The Collectors is this movie about this guy who collects people...he goes into these peoples' houses and sets up these sick traps all over the house.
I'm sure there's gorier out there, but it is the worst I've seen, at some parts all I could do was laugh because it was so effed up.
N. Chaos: Much sympathy. Except I was ->-bleeped-<-ed up even before I saw the Black Dahlia, I saw a picture of the corpse when I was 13 or so and I thought it was the most beautiful murder ever. It's easily explained by me being inherently sadistic as hell. My cravings have gotten worse in the past year though. Doubt it has much to do with being trans, except for maybe desiring control more than I otherwise would have.
Heh, Nikolai I agree with you on that now. When I was a kid I was confused/squicked out by the idea of corpses even though I lived in a funeral home, after seeing those pictures (and being in and out of my dad's embalming room once the terror wore off and the "OMG ADVENTURE" kicked in) I got practically enamored with crimescene photos myself. On that note, I'm glad to see I'm actually not the only gore-loving ftm out there.