Soo i've been having one of those days and its becoming extremely hard to cope with my dysphoria. It didn't seem as bad back when I was trying to repress it but now that I've decided to go through with HRT its been running rampant. Most likely due to the fact that im trying to see myself as a girl in the mirror when really it's just not there. I had my first therapy session last week but the gap inbetween sessions and the way for HRT is killing me. Combine that with my now crippled self esteem of feeling like I don't fit in either gender and i'm kind of a wreck. Lately I can't even look in the mirror without some form of depression rising to the surface an just little things like certain girls clothes not fitting right because well i dont have a girls body and its just driving me insane. This is especially annoying because i worry how it's affecting my girlfriend.. I'm the happy optimistic guy whos never sad or angry and i really feel my depression combined with these tg issues are becoming a little too much to handle..
/endrant.
How do you cope with your dysphoria, tg feelings?
Hi Terra,
OK darling we all feel this way at times. I do realise that that point of information is about as useful as saying we all have toe nails.
Oh toe nails: you have of course had a nice shower or even a bath with some bath bombs, wraparound the towel, and polish your toe nails? Then why not :police:
You have shaved your legs? :police: why not. Every small thing we can do helps us. I don't know where you are in the journey but if you can listen and learn from other women.
Woman do stuff to cheer themselves up. Many of us like to feel feminine and nice, do what it it makes you feel that way. Last night I painted my finger nails with clear polish, looked at them all day. Don't give in get even.
Hugs
Cindy
I generally will doll up. More makeup than I normal wear. Night makeup vs. day makeup. More than just foundation and mascara.
Also I will apply my acrylic nails. They a rough on my regular nails but I love them so.
Quote from: Terra I.D on March 11, 2011, 03:11:18 AM
How do you cope with your dysphoria, tg feelings?
Not feeling "trapped" is huge.
I think of that kind of dysphoria as being like a fox chewing it's own leg off to get out of a trap. You're mentally chewing.
Stop doing anything shameful or that you feel guilt over.
Do things that make you feel like you're living the life of a regular female. Shaving body hair, using product. Taking care of your skin and hair. I started wearing a little bit of makeup every day. One day I rushed out of the house without putting it on and thought..oh no..I need to go back. Then I realized that makeup is kind of a pain in the butt. It felt normal all of a sudden. A little tinted burts bees makes my lips feel tingly, pretty, and even.
Wearing jewelry and color...being a little more fashion forward. I had these rules about white socks, boxers, tshirt and jeans so that know one would know what I really was. I abandoned that and buy cute socks, underwear, different slacks and shirts and sweaters. I feel the freedom to shop in the men and woman's section and mix and match.
Coming out of the closet to friends and family helped a ton.
Masturbate or have sex like you like it. Parts of it may make you feel more dysphoric but if you do it right you'll at least fall asleep :)
HRT is helping A LOT. I have girl blood now, that's a lot of female that I just am.
Hi Terra
I would have to agree whole heartedly with Japple, where she said:
Quote from: japple on March 11, 2011, 01:05:14 PM
Not feeling "trapped" is huge.
I think of that kind of dysphoria as being like a fox chewing it's own leg off to get out of a trap. You're mentally chewing.
Stop doing anything shameful or that you feel guilt over.
Do things that make you feel like you're living the life of a regular female. Shaving body hair, using product. Taking care of your skin and hair. I started wearing a little bit of makeup every day. One day I rushed out of the house without putting it on and thought..oh no..I need to go back. Then I realized that makeup is kind of a pain in the butt. It felt normal all of a sudden. A little tinted burts bees makes my lips feel tingly, pretty, and even.
Wearing jewelry and color...being a little more fashion forward. I had these rules about white socks, boxers, tshirt and jeans so that know one would know what I really was. I abandoned that and buy cute socks, underwear, different slacks and shirts and sweaters. I feel the freedom to shop in the men and woman's section and mix and match.
Coming out of the closet to friends and family helped a ton.
Masturbate or have sex like you like it. Parts of it may make you feel more dysphoric but if you do it right you'll at least fall asleep :)
HRT is helping A LOT. I have girl blood now, that's a lot of female that I just am.
So do the things that will make you happy, wear female clothing, makeup or tell your friends and family if you want to. In another thread just recently, I mentioned that I never suffered from GID. I just did what I did, because it made me happy or contented and I never questioned it.
Why? Because it was the right thing to do, I also thought along the lines of, "I was not going to let society dictate to me how I should run my life" and this particular thought pattern did not stem from my 'gender issues'. Not that I ever considered, that I had gender issues. In addition, I did what needed to be done so that I could function as a female in society.
It will take sometime, but in the mean time do something that will make you happy. Take care and all the best
Kind regards
Sarah B
I find painting my nails helps to cheer me up, I always keep my toenails painted because I can keep that hidden from the people I work with (they're the only group in my life who don't know)
If I get home from work & i've had a bad day then I paint my fingernails even if I have to remove it before I go to bed.
If you have clothes that don't suit your current figure then you may want to avoid them for now until they do suit you.
I've got clothes in my wardrobe that I really love but am saving until i've developed a feminine figure.
I'm still waiting to undergo evaluation so don't know what you are going through with HRT, my bad days are normaly caused by the toilet problem at work as I no longer feel comfortable going into the mens room & try to avoid it if possible, some days I get home with terrible stomach ache because of this & the days when I have to visit the mens room make me feel quite miserable & doing my nails helps loads to cheer me up.
Hang in there & best wishes
Thanks guys! Sorry about the rant, It's just i'll go from desperately excited to start to filled with horrid doubts that cripple me and upset me :(. I have another therapy session here in a few hours so hopefully that will help.
Hi Terra, Tara here,
I am not out but spend about 60% as Tara. I need to finish what I doing here and then move. Had to spend a day outside working on winter and summer bicycles as time to change bikes. Came in with greasy hands which I abhore now and felt little like myself, unfeminine. Reminded Tara, self, flip flops to see painted toe nails, favorite pink sweat pants, favorite bra, forms and hair. No need to be full mirror image. Had to cut finger nails which are kept neat and paintable, that sucked but grease had to go.
My preferred auto mechanic is female by birth, so about by my moment of dyphoria tonight moving between selves.
So in the end I did the minimum to feel comfortable Tara, as the other posts say, and I felt better right away.
Tara
Quote from: Terra I.D on March 14, 2011, 02:36:44 AM
Thanks guys! Sorry about the rant, It's just i'll go from desperately excited to start to filled with horrid doubts that cripple me and upset me :(. I have another therapy session here in a few hours so hopefully that will help.
I'm in the exact same position as you, and I'm having the exact same swings from one side to the other. First, it helps to know I'm not the only one feeling that way right now. And second, I've found the others' replies just as helpful.
I hope the session went well. :)
.Terra , womens clothes don`t fit anybody off the rack, you either have to learn to sew ,or find a tailor ,nip tuck ,look like a million bucks . I can understand everything about the long road to Hrt ,my thearapist just wasted a year of my life ,then last session told me he was quiting and moving to the west coast! So now where am I ?!?! I find when i get down shaping up my brows helps me feel better and kills time due to the acreage involved:) Also helps if someone trys to make me laugh. Don`t be scared of the toilets at work girl gotta go GIRL GOTTA GO ! Is that a GID thing or an ->-bleeped-<- co workers thing? I ve dealt with both ,but then i`ve had lots of jobs. Now for Tara, a little nair and mild soap will work wonders on greasy hands , rub it on wait about two minutes wash off, and try one of those white nail pencils or clear polish under your nails when your gonna get durty, I m mechaNICKIal myself.
Hi all! Thanks for the support but things haven't really gotten much better >>
I've decided therapy is a waste of time. I work out all of my issues on my own she is just someone i vent to which everyone needs, only I think i can find someone who will listen to me whine for alot cheaper than 150$ an hour. Next session I think I'm going to ask for my HRT letter and if she declines me just find someone else who isn't going to waste my money. She literally drags out every session trying to get me to whine about something that just doesn't bother me. I consider myself emotionally healthy other than the tg thing and as far as that goes theres not much else to talk about untill I start HRT which she is stopping me from.
Also I just broke up with my girlfriend of a year a few minutes ago. I didn't want to because I love her but she really didn't give me a choice. Her worldview is that she comes first, no matter what to put it simply. Right now i rarely see her cause shes always in the lab working and says that wont ever change. So pretty much Im supposed to deal with her never having time for me, her school and work always coming first no matter what, waiting for her for a year when I dont even know if she'll fully accept me as a transexual when she returns and if she does deal with her leaving me on the drop of a dime if shes ever offered a job that requires her to move and I can't move with her. Did i mention we havent had sex in 6 months because shes decided shes asexual? I'm open to compromise but i cant be with someone that selfish and it breaks my heart but i can't allow myself to drop that low regardless.
Unfortunately this also means I won't be able to crossdress anymore since I'll be living at home again and will probably severely affect my mood towards proceeding. Giving my mom the internet was the worst idea ever.. she thinks i was born with ovaries and thats why i want to be tg and we need to go get cut out so ill be more manly. /sigh.
Quote from: Terra I.D on March 18, 2011, 11:36:47 PM
Hi all! Thanks for the support but things haven't really gotten much better >>
I've decided therapy is a waste of time. I work out all of my issues on my own she is just someone i vent to which everyone needs, only I think i can find someone who will listen to me whine for alot cheaper than 150$ an hour.
Terra,
I don't know you but based on what you've put out here it seems like you're going at a million miles an hour and you should consider staying in therapy. You're obsessed with HRT and changing but unwilling to change or come out at school. You're forcing yourself into rocks and hard places, do you think that you need to crash? That you'll be a phoenix rising out of the ashes?
Life happens in tiny bits. You definitely do have some things going on. Maybe you're ADHD, maybe you're a narcissist, maybe your shame makes you feel guilty. I don't know. I think your writing style shows that you intellectualize things. I think you're burning through your thoughts. Try to slow down.
Your therapists job is to look for co-morbiity. They're going to make you talk about things you don't want to talk about because you have't rehearsed those things. They're listening to what you're saying but also how you're saying them. They're going to find out what brand of crazy you are. All Transsexuals want to be diagnosed Transsexual and move the f' on..but it's not that simple. Living with GID does other stuff to you.
I am a designer too, fairly intelligent, and went through similar things. Let your therapist help you. Talk about the stuff you're actually thinking about. It's whining? That's pretty self deprecating. You probably need to be broken down again to be built back up.
I don't think that you're self assured to stand on solid ground with decisions. You might be a bit obsessive and dealing with the stress of school. Making decisions from a point of total confidence and self worth is very liberating. Maybe see if the therapist can help you get there? Do tell the therapist that you want HRT, tell the therapist everything honest,..but then work too.
Quote from: japple on March 19, 2011, 02:05:59 AM
Terra,
I don't know you but based on what you've put out here it seems like you're going at a million miles an hour and you should consider staying in therapy. You're obsessed with HRT and changing but unwilling to change or come out at school. You're forcing yourself into rocks and hard places, do you think that you need to crash? That you'll be a phoenix rising out of the ashes?
Life happens in tiny bits. You definitely do have some things going on. Maybe you're ADHD, maybe you're a narcissist, maybe your shame makes you feel guilty. I don't know. I think your writing style shows that you intellectualize things. I think you're burning through your thoughts. Try to slow down.
Your therapists job is to look for co-morbiity. They're going to make you talk about things you don't want to talk about because you have't rehearsed those things. They're listening to what you're saying but also how you're saying them. They're going to find out what brand of crazy you are. All Transsexuals want to be diagnosed Transsexual and move the f' on..but it's not that simple. Living with GID does other stuff to you.
I am a designer too, fairly intelligent, and went through similar things. Let your therapist help you. Talk about the stuff you're actually thinking about. It's whining? That's pretty self deprecating. You probably need to be broken down again to be built back up.
I don't think that you're self assured to stand on solid ground with decisions. You might be a bit obsessive and dealing with the stress of school. Making decisions from a point of total confidence and self worth is very liberating. Maybe see if the therapist can help you get there? Do tell the therapist that you want HRT, tell the therapist everything honest,..but then work too.
I'm not sure where your getting me being obsessed with HRT from or that i want to change but i don't want to change? Not sure what you meant there. But in anycase I've come out to everyone that matters in my life and I don't really believe coming out at school will benefit me in anyway. If anything it would only bring negativity my way which im prepared to deal with if necessary, but I'm not setting out to prove something so I don't see how me not wanting to come out at school is relevant in the least. As far as HRT goes, thats kind of the next step for me. I've accepted myself, came out to my important people and have been dealing with the fallout from them and ive been reflecting on these things for a very long time I don't see any point in slowing down when I haven't really gone far at all.
I don't really think I have any ADHD or anything in the like? Although the verdict is still out on that I suppose. I probably shouldn't have used the term whining but my point is she said right off the bat I sounded like i was in a good place emotionally and mentally and seem to be overall in a healthy place but wanted to *build a relationship* with me before she sent me anywhere which is kind of meh. I understand the poking around into areas I haven't rehearsed and im pretty honest and open with her about any doubts and worries but she'll poke areas that are not on point and can't really be connected to tg and spend tons of time wanting to talk about it such as my relationship with my sister and why we dont get along which isn't really what I came to discuss. I'm paying them to discuss my issues with me that i feel are pressing and help me worth through them, not any small thing that is slightly dysfunctional. I know i come off as harsh in text so I hope this doesn't sound like a personal attack.
Thanks
How to deal with it ???????
if you find out the best way please do let me know :-) i tend to let it ride out, just think to myself that it will become less soon, tends to work with all mood swings i have, i just say to myself you silly cow, i guess a little taking the P*** out of yourself helps too, just keeps it slightly humouress.
Quote from: Terra I.D on March 11, 2011, 03:11:18 AM
Soo i've been having one of those days and its becoming extremely hard to cope with my dysphoria. It didn't seem as bad back when I was trying to repress it but now that I've decided to go through with HRT its been running rampant. Most likely due to the fact that im trying to see myself as a girl in the mirror when really it's just not there. I had my first therapy session last week but the gap inbetween sessions and the way for HRT is killing me. Combine that with my now crippled self esteem of feeling like I don't fit in either gender and i'm kind of a wreck. Lately I can't even look in the mirror without some form of depression rising to the surface an just little things like certain girls clothes not fitting right because well i dont have a girls body and its just driving me insane. This is especially annoying because i worry how it's affecting my girlfriend.. I'm the happy optimistic guy whos never sad or angry and i really feel my depression combined with these tg issues are becoming a little too much to handle..
/endrant.
How do you cope with your dysphoria, tg feelings?
Just keep reminding yourself that the stuff thats bothering you is temporary. Youre in an inbetween stage that wont last long. Think about and look forward to the day when you look in the mirror and feel amazing about it. You are on your way to that! Its coming! Get excited. :)
OK maybe this could help you.. On the clothes, you have to realize some of those clothes won't look right on every genetic female. You can't get depressed because some uber cute outfit that would look awsome on a perfect female body looks like crap on you. You really have to try to accept most of us can't pull stuff like that off and find clothes and a look that does fit you. Maybe something more andro looking for now would look better? I had to work through this and figure out what works and doesn't for me too. GG's have this same problem and it's why there are SO many different style of clothing! Hope this helps..
Quote from: Stephe on March 24, 2011, 11:44:28 PM
OK maybe this could help you.. On the clothes, you have to realize some of those clothes won't look right on every genetic female. You can't get depressed because some uber cute outfit that would look awsome on a perfect female body looks like crap on you. You really have to try to accept most of us can't pull stuff like that off and find clothes and a look that does fit you. Maybe something more andro looking for now would look better? I had to work through this and figure out what works and doesn't for me too. GG's have this same problem and it's why there are SO many different style of clothing! Hope this helps..
LOL this is very true. Good point!
Today I don't feel like doing anything
I just wanna lay in my bed
Don't feel like picking up my phone
So leave a message at the tone
'Cause today I swear I'm not doing anything
I'm gonna kick my feet up
Then stare at the fan
Turn the TV on, throw my hand down my pants
Nobody's gonna tell me I can't
I'll be lying on the couch,
Just chillin' in my snuggie
Click to MTV, so they can teach me how to dougie
'Cause in my castle I'm the freaking man
Oh, oh
Yes I said it
I said it 'cause I can
Tomorrow I'll wake up, do some P90X
Meet a really nice girl, have some really nice sex
She's gonna scream out: 'This is Great'
[Hear me out: this is great]
Yeah
I might mess around, get my college degree
I bet my old man will be so proud of me
But sorry paps, you'll just have to wait
Oh, oh
Yes I said it
I said it
I said it 'cause I can
Today I don't feel like doing anything
I just wanna lay in my bed
Don't feel like picking up my phone
So leave a message at the tone
'Cause today I swear I'm not doing anything
No, I ain't gonna comb my hair
'Cause I ain't going anywhere
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, oh
I'll just strut in my birthday suit
And let everything hang loose
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah-eah
Oh
Today I don't feel like doing anything
I just wanna lay in my bed
Don't feel like picking up my phone
So leave a message at the tone
'Cause today I swear I'm not doing anything
Nothing at all
Nothing at all
Hi Terra, wow two posts to you in the same day, sorry I'm not stalking you! :) Its just that I feel like I am reading things from myself along time ago. As far as dealing with it,, acceptance is everything, from there you will find your balance point. Too deep? I had a good friend that was TS that told me, "Don't let the dysphoria control you, you control the dysphoria" This helped me alot with the different effects of GID, just made me feel that I was in control of me not the dysphoria.
As for the comment about your wasting money on the therapist, I have to agree (although it wont be popular) I don't think everyone needs one, for me it just gave me more excuses. I found more answers about myself talking to other TS people (but thats just me)
Another thing that has helped me and of course this is a mental thing... When I look in the mirror I try to ignore any "guy" I still see and concentrate on seeing who I know I now am, a woman. It's easy to see our faults and will drive us CRAZY if we focus on them as some will always be there..
I would suggest finding the right dress and apply makeup whenever you try looking yourself at the mirror, when you look good in mirror, it will really effect your mood throughout the day.
In my case, as I couldn't go full time. HRT helps me to feel feminine, i.e. feminized my skin, breasts, facial complexion, etc. I am contended as such even though I would love to be able to dress up as female with nice makeup. So, I usually keep a few of my nice photo in female mode, in my computer so that I can look at them, and appreciate my real, pretty side, even though I'm still in male mode.