Well after a staff night out I think I've out'ed myself to most people, opps! I was talking to one of the girls, a lesbian, and she had taken a big interest in me as I'm pinging her "gaydar", but for the wrong reasons. Anyhow, I came clean to her, and while we were talking I did my usual, while been inebriated and talked to loud. She was really cool with it and said that she would keep the secret and be supportive, but I think I probably said too much too loud. Well, apparently no one really cares strongly one way or another about it, so everything I wanted! I will find out when I go to work in an hour... very nervous, but I am who I am and the hiding has to stop.
I had spent the whole of yesterday, freaking out about it, and I ended up going home from the night out early, as I got paranoid, then absolutely terrified and started to act damn weird! I thought I wasn't been affected emotionally and then bang, it hits me big time!
The problem comes from that some people at work also know my family, and therefore there might be information creep, back to them. Should I risk it, or just tell everyone as soon as to have some rumour control? I had a timetable that I wanted to follow. But that has been put out as well by the fact that I'm responding VERY well to the hormones I've got (I've got noticeable breast growth, and body fat is redistributing to the point that I can't change in front of people at work). I'm starting real HRT probably on Friday, if my bloods come back well on Thursday, and then things might go even faster. I know I can't hide forever, and I was building a safety net and support network with key people, I now I feel I have to speed things up; I just don't feel ready for my family to know yet. I feel it becomes too real at that point, and although I know I can't stop it now, I'm still clinging to that part that has been "normal" for my whole life. I just don't know how to tell them, I wanted it so my mum and I are living alone, which will happen in about a month's time, but that might be too late now.
I would tell your parents at least - and the sooner the better.
You REALLY don't want them finding out in the wrong way.
Besides it is usually better to give people time to adjust before major changes become too obvious. This stealth transition nonsense can often make things far worse.
So do yourself a favour and go tell them as soon as you can.
Well I decided that I have to tell my mum, I'm writing the letter I've put off for weeks, and unfortuntaly I'm slightly drunk. Mainly as it makes me feel some confidence, but I know I'm going to lose some gravatas to the situation. I just need to tell her, it is killing me holding back. I'm terrified yet I know there is some sort of resolution from this, I just have to admit to the most important, and person I respect and love the most in my life, that I am not, who I've pretended to be. I know she know's enough of my secrets she might have suspected things, my brother has told me that she has st times thought that I am gay, just a step above to tell her! Goodbye Richard, hello Rachel! Things are not going back after this!
Good luck with your letter, and I hope you read it back sober before you send it - sometimes Dutch Courage makes for needed directness, and sometimes just for Double Dutch instead ;).
Lol, I'm drunk now, but will be sober in a few hours when I'll be giving it! I'll be checking before then, this has to be perfect, at least for me.
Well this is what I wrote, a slight essay, but she is a patient women and will be thoughtful before she responds.
Mum,
This is the hardest letter I will ever have to write. To put is simply I have lived a lie for 25 years. I have tried, to be what was given but I can't live anymore. After my break up in Feb. I nearly committed suicide; I drank outrageous amounts every night ( bottles of vodka) I was weighing how and what I could do, and this wasn't going to be a call for help, like Phill, this would be clinical and extremely well planned. Jo was the last anchor to the lie I was living, when she was cleared from my life the recurring problem hit me like a tsunami. I can't deny what has plagued me my whole life. I promised myself one thing, to give life one last chance. I will always love all of you, more then I have ever been able to show, but one thing is the truth, and for me it is the absolute truth of my personality, and for want of a better word, my soul. I am transsexual, nothing but, I should have been born a girl.
My brain has been fighting over the reality of my body since I was 4. I think it was 4, I remember crying in front of a mirror after I wasn't allowed to play with the girls, as I was a "boy". It was the most painful and hurtful thing I have from my childhood, and it didn't stop. It grew. IT manifested itself into elaborate lies and constructs that limited how I could behave; it destroyed the very soul of me. I found everything that made me happy was conceived of a lie, that the happiness I sometimes found was itself a lie. I can't hold onto that anymore. I'm presenting a shell of a person that I am inside, I can't react correctly to anything, I've created a monster that isn't me. I want to be the caring sensitive person who I was when I was a child, when I was free, when the girl was still allowed out in some sense. I remember hugging you and feeling and showing you the love that I wanted, and then I was told it wasn't the correct behaviour for a boy and I had to stop. It was heart breaking. My life has been an elaborate construct, it has caused a emotionally stunted person who can't relate to people, as I can't be with the people who I really relate with internally, and am forced to be with those who I can't, and I despair at their behaviour, and how I'm expected to follow.
My life hangs in a balance of probabilities now, the first is that if will ever be able to pass successfully as a women, the second is that I can recover my life from the pit of hell I have been forced into. Either way, I am only partially reprieved from my own death sentence, and I am extremely sceptical that it will work. I do hope it will, I do more than anything. My favourite film of all time says that "hope is a good thing perhaps the best of things", I think it is why the story reverberates in my mind. I'm hoping now, like I have for every wish and shooting star I have ever seen, I wish that I can find some way to make this life manageable.
Now the facts. I have seen a specialist councillor; I have been diagnosed with Gender Identity Dysphoria (GID). I have had limited exposure to weak feminising hormones that I bought, and from Friday onwards I'm been prescribed HRT. The exposure has removed a lot of my depression, in fact you may have noticed the point when I started, my personality calmed and I became what seemed positive and happy? The fact remains that everything for me relies on the effect of these. The news is that I seem to be very sensitive to them, at least at this stage; I'm hoping the prescription strength may be even better. However, there is never that guarantee. I don't know how far this will lead, but the possibility of a full gender reassignment may happen. However, if there is no chance I will ever pass this won't happen. At that point I'm very frightened at what may happen. I hope I doesn't come to that point. I have been told that my face already passes without the facial hair and longer scalp hair, by the people I met at the clinic, so there is hope; I believe them as I have checked numerous times and it's true with even a small amount of makeup, the problem comes from the muscle mass I have, and that will diminish, as may some height and maybe even shoe sizes, I again hope.
I have never wanted to cause pain to any of you, but the pain inside is now too great to control. I am now at the mercy of my body, and it has betrayed me my whole life, I hope there is some redemption for me. I hope you will understand your child in pain and except that I am unable to live a lie anymore. I hope you will forgive me and still love me. I will be waiting patiently and extremely nervously, after you have read this. Please come and ask me to talk when you are ready.
xxx
Oh damn she has just woke up, time to print and hope!
oh my god I've done it!
Ohh good luck honey!! :)
:D it went amazing, we had the first real hug in years and she said she expected it and my ex through her off for the last 4 years, damn I wish I could have come out sooner! I'm so happy xxx
Congratulations! I'm glad everything went well.
That is wonderful Rachel
Congratulations, and be a fine daughter to her
Hugs
Cindy
That's a really strong letter, well done for writing it, and well done your mum for responding so well, you're a lucky gal :). I hope things go forward really well for you now.
Quote from: RachelH on March 17, 2011, 01:21:38 AM
:D it went amazing, we had the first real hug in years and she said she expected it and my ex through her off for the last 4 years, damn I wish I could have come out sooner! I'm so happy xxx
Awesome! I don't think society in general realize how hard it is to come out for us. To me, the most fearful part of transition is coming out and then going full time.
Thanks for the support so far, I could never have got this far. Now for something else, I have just had my blood results back.... I start HRT tomorrow! today almost feels like a real birthday! x :D
belated congratulations Rachel, glad it went so well for you :)
I am glad it has worked out for You, Rachel. It is always good to start out on a positive knot.
Quote from: RachelH on March 17, 2011, 01:21:38 AM
:D it went amazing, we had the first real hug in years and she said she expected it and my ex through her off for the last 4 years, damn I wish I could have come out sooner! I'm so happy xxx
Your letter was amazing. If it had the sort of effect upon your mother that it did on me, then I can't see any problems there.
I can't begin to tell you how utterly happy I am for the outcome.
Thanks spacial, that letter was the first time I have opened up emotionally to anyone, well the real me anyway. It feels so good to allow emotions the correct outlet, rather then been told that you have to bottle them up. I always used to be very emotional when I was younger and throughout school; I cried when I was angry, upset and was told it was wrong. I hated it. At least now the healing can begin. x
That's fantastic! :) The letter was great. Im glad it went over the right way.