So, basically, it's confirmed I'm moving at the end of the school year (which is at the end of June.)
I'll be moving to another state, but it'll be a completely new type of place for me. There's not much racial diversity and it's pretty racist in that area (not to be rude, but my mom would fit in perfectly there. She's completely racist.) However, right now, I live in an area populated by mostly black people.
So, already, I'm going to feel awkward. I'm white, but I'm so used to being around people who AREN'T white. I literally have only one or two white friends where I live.
As you can imagine, that will probably be a big change already.
Not to mention the fact that I'm transgender, which adds a whole other list of complications.
Two weeks ago, I was arguing with my mom in the car because she said she refused to move if I am going to be introducing myself as a boy (it will be completely ruined though, when I go to school and they call out my female name). She then said that I look like a dyke (even though I pass 98% of the time when I'm not at home. Even at school, people who still know me as a girl, "mistake" me as male. This one guy that has known me for 5 years had to apologize because he thought I was a boy until he recognized my face.)
So, with the opinion of pretty much my entire school and the people who I run into when I go somewhere, I look male. Then again, my mom is my mom. And she assumes that all transgender people already look a lot like their target sex (I don't know where she gets this information from, because I have never met a transgender person who looks like their target sex without trying. So, basically there, she was trying to point out that I must not be transgender because I'm very feminine-looking.)
Anyway, that isn't the point. We were arguing and she said that she refuses to move if I'm just going to, I guess, "ruin my reputation" there by calling myself a male. I don't think she realizes that everybody I meet thinks I'm a boy, and they don't even think twice despite how girly my voice is (personally, I don't think I pass, but we're our own worst critics, right?)
My mom said that if I start over as male in our new area, it wouldn't be fair to my friends because they wouldn't be able to come to my house because my mom would be calling me by my female name and pronouns (she told me that she won't, and that I'll always be her daughter.)
I hate that she won't even try to accept me as her son. Everybody sees me as a guy. I told her that I'm happier and less depressed when I'm presenting as male, and she said that's good. So why in the hell won't she at least try?
I can't live as a lesbian for the next two years of high school. I already know what college I want to go to, and it's very trans-friendly, and I could go stealth there, but I can't wait that long. I don't even know if I can't wait 2-3 more years for surgery.
Then again, my mom not letting me go stealth in our new town is basically stemming from the fact that she blames TV and doesn't believe that I actually feel this way because "THERE WERE NO SIGNS". If wanting to cut my boobs off isn't a sign, I don't know what is.
My mom is blind. She thinks my straight best friend is gay and that I'm a straight female. No matter what I try to tell her, this is what she believes.
And I keep trying to talk about my GID with her, but she yells at me if I mention it. What the hell am I supposed to do?
If I try to live as a lesbian, I will die. I can't bring myself to live as female. I get extremely depressed, and I won't underestimate myself when I get too depressed. I've tried attempting suicide, and I'm not doubting it will happen again if I live as female.
The worst part is that my mom knows this, and is expecting me to live as female. If she would rather have a dead daughter than a transgender son, so be it.
hi, it sounds like you're in a real struggle with her. i'm not sure if she will or will not change, but it sounds like she is in serious denial, and that this is turning into a power struggle. it sounds like she is manipulating your situation. what i say is, don't believe all that she is telling you. she only wants to try and convince you not to do this, because she only think her life would be easier if you didn't, but that's not true at all. obviously, it seems like you would understand that the benefits from your transition far outweigh everything else. on her saying that it's good you are less depressed when you present as male sounds like she can't be completely against it. if i were you, i would keep mentioning that, because with her saying that means her argument has no sense to it. if she continues this, it sounds like you have plans to move out, but she sounds like one of the aggresive types just how she is not allowing you to introduce yourself as male. she's the type that can be potentially dangerous.
I know how frustrating it is, when you are telling someone who you love and is meant to love you that you need to transition or die, and they still will not accept it. but don't assume she wants a dead daughter - she just can't see it right now. Most parents see their child as sort of a blank slate - projecting their own desires and dreams on to said child. She doesn't believe that this could POSSIBLY happen to HER and HER child. no no, it goes against what she values.This happens in so many aspects of life - "MY child isn't the trouble child at school," "MY child isn't gay," "MY child isn't in an interracial marriage." No no, not mine, not my child, nope. This will all blow over, IIIII am a good mother.
Most parents, when they see how much happier you are post-transition, will come to accept that it was the best choice.
Sad truth though, if you are dependent on her your options are severely limited. Unless she has a change of tune, there isn't much you can do, I'm sorry. :( But if it isn't something you can control, then you have to make the best of what you have, as horrible and hard as it is, as much as I sympathize with you.
A few options for coping:
- Instead of being stealth, be openly out as transgender and hope people respect your name choice and pronouns. This one takes the most balls, it's the one I chose as a coping mechanism. It's decent. You can explain to people that if they come to your house, your mother will call you female name and female pronouns because she doesn't understand, but that you would like them to continue to use male pronouns when referring to you.
I did this in college, high school could be BRUTAL though. It's a battlefield.
- Find healthy coping mechanisms. Easier said than done. I would struggle a lot if I was forced to live as a lesbian now. How far are you, if at all, in therapy and other milestones towards transition? Do you have someone you can talk to about your struggles?
- Another thing that is helpful, but hard when you are in so much pain is to try not to let it be your defining..."issue." It is certainly no cure or enough to cover the pain of GID, but immerse yourself in what you love. Sports, school, whatever. Try to remember that you are more than your GID, entertain any other interests you might have. One day you WILL get the hormones and surgery you need, and much younger than the lion's share of us. Hang in there, know that it is within reach, this is in your power. It depends entirely on how soon you can be financially independent from her. Save every penny. Try to make a roadmap.
Hope that helps a bit.
It sounds like living as a girl when you move is not an option for you. So I suppose you'll have to keep talking to your mom, explaining to her that most people do in fact see you as male, and trying to drive home to her how important this is to you. And even if she doesn't change her mind...I don't know, maybe this is bad advice, but I'd live as male anyway. As far as possible without her cooperation. And if you have friends close enough to bring to your house, maybe you can explain to them you're trans.
And don't give up about the name and pronouns. She'll probably eventually change her mind. Maybe. You can always hope.
Quote from: SpaceyGirl on March 20, 2011, 07:44:09 PM
it sounds like she is in serious denial, and that this is turning into a power struggle. it sounds like she is manipulating your situation. what i say is, don't believe all that she is telling you.
I'll second that. My mom tried that for a little while too. Only a short few weeks but I quickly learned it was part of her denial. Look at a parents viewpoint for a second. To them it is like loosing a kid and gaining another. Denial is a stage of that loss. For some it lasts longer than others.
I agree with Spacey. She's trying every last tactic it sounds like to convince not only herself but you as well that you aren't trans. Clearly she is wrong but she does not see it that way. She might have a legitimate fear that you won't pass and you'll get attacked but if she were to admit that fear she would be admitting you are trans so try to look at that next time you speak with her.
Now, I'm not saying that I'm right about this and if that is the case that still does not make her actions right by any means just giving you another viewpoint. Just stay strong. If you pass well then maybe you can come out in your new town when you move. Just tell your new friends (if you have them over) that your mom is a little.... odd and calls you female. It sounds like you don't want to move anyways so hold your own and when she threatens to not move it won't matter. You've got a good head on your shoulders man. And remember if it seems impossible to "stay female" for high school don't. Go in there early your first day and speak with the teachers about preferred name. If you have to then bring the principal into it and explain it to him. If there is S.A.F.E or a similar program speak to that councilor because they are incredible allies to have in most cases and will defend you. Good luck Devyn
I get it. I have a mother who is a lot like yours. when i was 13 or so she made comment to some tv show that she would be fine whatever gender her children turned out to be....she lied. I was 16 when I went into my first relationship with a girl openly in front of her. she was pissed wanted me to stop hanging around with her and my first 2 months of my relationship was spent arguing with her about how I should be alowed to see my gf. I understand the feeling of beeing swallowed alive by a parent who doesnt beleive how you feel. I moved out the day I turned 18 no joke almost everything was out of my room to begin with but a few clothes,bed, tv, and dresser 3 months before then just to ensure i got to keep my keep sakes.
there is no easy way to put this but.... suck up that pain that makes ur eyes want to overfill. Dont let her see that. To strong willed parents the momment they see tears they feel as if they have won the battle. Im not saying dont talk about it every chance you get, repeating yourself is the best attack you have. Just dont let her see your tears.
Little note: once I moved out I found myself in a sticky spot with my gf, I have become so apt at shutting down my tears and my responces to yelling that I had become cold like with my emotions while being confronted, I would shut down and lock up so bad that I wouldnt be able to answer my gf for nearly an hour after the argument. it has taken years to undo a good portion of my defences so that me and my gf can confront our issues effectivly. be careful of how much you hide your defences, they can back fire later in life.