Stealth.
Most of us want to be seen as a "normal" male, so we choose to live completely stealth.
Some of us, if asked about it, will disclose our trans status.
And others will walk around with a trans t-shirt or tattoo, being out and proud, and openly trans.
Poll:
Which do you choose to be?
Why?
How did you come to the decision of who you disclosed your status to?
Right now it's not a choice, it's a need. I consider myself the out and proud type. I've been involved with a lot of trans activism on a small and large scale. I'm doing this because I have to. I've faced a lot of crappy discrimination for being trans (specifically because I want people to call me by male pronouns but I'm seen as female) which really sucks. I shouldn't have to do this stuff but I do.
I don't know if 5 years from now if I'll be seen completely as male by 99.99999% of the world, or what I'll be doing then but for right now this is what I am doing.
Stealth whenever and wherever possible. I really don't mind disclosing myself in situations such as changing over bank accounts or whatever.. no big deal. But I'd rather have my everyday aquaintences see me as a man, not as a 'man'. Ya know/
I've come to the conclusion over many years that I'll just be myself. If the outside world takes me as male, that's cool. If they take me as female, that's their prerogative. I guess my "stealth" is in knowing in my mind who I am ... if that makes sense!
I'm really struggling with this right now. As I get to know new people a part of me wants to be more open with them.
On the other hand I'm afraid that's the part that always wants to ruin things. My psyche is still saying that I don't deserve anything good.
I transitioned too late in life to be truly stealth, and I wouldn't feel comfortable pretending that I didn't have the life and experiences that I've had.
That said, I don't dress or look or wear symbols or do anything that specifically outs me either, so it's not like everyone I ever encounter would know. I don't consider that "stealth" anymore than I consider the fact that people don't know other personal details about me just by interacting with me.
My challenge is deciding when to reveal this aspect about me to new people. It's not so much that a paper trail will uncover for me. It will. And earlier in my transition, I focused more on this. Where I am now is a place where I realize that I cannot be genuinely close to someone - on a friend/personal level - if they don't know this about me. It's a lens that affects many other things in my life, and while my life narrative makes perfect sense without disclosing, it also paints a very misleading picture about who I am and what my experiences have been. Perhaps if I transitioned younger, it would be different.
I'm still figuring out when is the right time and who are the right people to disclose to, because it's not always obvious who you will get close to from the get go. I err on the side of caution right now (that is, not disclosing), because I do want people to see me as a real person with multiple interests and facets, not as an other or spokesman for a group. The flip is waiting too long to tell someone and then having them feel upset that you weren't opening up or becoming as close to them as they thought or discovering that they are flat out anti-trans, and you had no idea.
I was just chatting with my friend about this. I want to eventually be stealth with only my partner, my close friends, and my family knowing. I'll still attend meetings occasionally in another city. I'm young enough and have enough pictures and stories where I pass reasonably to not lie too much. I might be moving to a small town in the next year and it will just speed up my choice to be stealth.
At the moment I try to be stealth since I still go to school, and well if people knew there, it could get scary :-X I enjoy being stealth tho I had this cold once and it made my voice deeper and all my friends thought my voice was cracking and they were teasing me all day :D I thought it was pretty funny haha, good memories. If I meet people that seriously question it tho (usually people I have met through friends that knew me before transitioning) I am ok with disclosing it ;) I am not sure if I will ever be the loud and proud type!
Well currently I am pretty out loud and proud about it. I am not far enough along to be stealth. But when I do get to that point I think my ultimate answer will be 'it depends'. In the general day to day public I think I will want to be mostly stealth, because I identify as a 'man' not as 'a girl who thinks/wants to be a man'
But I also feel like once I get to the point where I can be stealth, I will still admit to and talk about it. My main point in that is to help those in a similar situation. Admitting to it and being out loud about it will hopefully help those that might look up to me after I am to the point of being capable of stealth. (I hope that makes sense) I don't intend to keep my head down in shame- that's for sure. Its a plight that I'm sure I will be proud to have overcome.
If I'm out somewhere, I'm definitely trying to pass 100%, so I guess that'd make me stealth. If I'm online, I always sign up as male, but I'll usually explain it after a while to someone if I like em' well enough. I used to keep it heavily guarded but someone outed me on one of my favorite forums and I actually went as far as to post a huge "coming out" thread.
IRL, if I ever make friends with someone I plan on telling them, mainly because unless I'm wearing a coat/hoodie my passability is...sporadic. And, it'll cut out the less than desirable folks a hell of a lot faster.
I want to be 100% stealth because I want to be seen completely as male.
But I want to be able to help other transguys, and I guess the only way is to put yourself out there in the trans community.
I just want people to see me as a guy, not "that girl who wants to be a guy". I am a guy. A guy with a weird body, that's all. In case of a sexual relationship I would tell the partner (well, obviously), but in normal everyday life I probably won't. It's just some medical stuff, not everyone needs to know that I have had shingles, was born prematurely or was allergic to milk as a kid either.
Poll:
Which do you choose to be? Stealth
Why? If people know you are FTM, 99% of the time, they will treat you differently either on purpose or accident.
How did you come to the decision of who you disclosed your status to? Only out to people I knew before my transition, and the only other people i disclose it to our people I am pursing a relationship with,
Okay, I'll bite.
Which do you choose to be?
- I'm not stealth with most people I know. But every person is at least a little stealth in some sense, with some people, and out with others.
Why?
- At first it did cross my mind whether people would treat me differently if they knew, but I found that they largely didn't when they found out (if they first met me post-T, already living as male). Most people will not suddenly change their patterns of behavior around you upon learning of your past simply because it's hard to shake habits or to see you as female if they've always seen you as male. (Just as the opposite is true with most of my family, who have always seen me as female and continue to in spite of my sweet beard and mustache.)
And I got to thinking: Even if I did run across someone who would treat me differently just because of my trans-status, would I really want to associate with them? Would I really care what they thought of me? Would I really want the friendship of someone who is so hell-bent on seeing something that's not there, where they'd have to make an extra effort just to see me as something I don't want to be seen as? The answer was "no," so I decided not to care.
I eventually came to a place where I saw my transness kind of like most people see their race. It's not a defining aspect of who I am, but it certainly colored my experience. And just as I don't see any reason someone should hide their race, I see no reason to hide my transness.
People need to learn to accept transfolk--it's their problem if they're prejudiced, not mine, so I won't make any special effort to accommodate them by hiding my past like it's something vulgar.
How did you come to the decision of who you disclosed your status to?
- If it comes up, or if they notice something about me (the fact that I inject hormones, the presence of an old picture, etc), and I'm not in danger if I come out, then I'll probably mention it if I feel like it. The more people come out and treat it as not being a big deal, the more everyone else in the universe will realize it's really not a big deal to be trans.
Go stealth as much as possible. I live in Moscow at the minute, and being out and proud is a good way to get yourself beaten up :-\
I don't think of myself as a transguy, just as a guy. It'll be nice when I pass well enough for the rest of the world to see that. I can't imagine there being many people who'd need to know exactly what's in my pants.
I'd love to be stealth. That would mean people only see me as a guy which is very important to me. With that said, I may change my position once I start t.
I would much prefer stealth, but would tell in situations where it's necessary, i.e. relationships, direct questions, etc.
Part of me wants to be proud and show that this is who I am and I want to help others in my situation and such, but I also feel as if it would keep a tie to my female past - and I do not want to be tied to that part of me in such a public way.
Quote from: Brent123 on March 26, 2011, 12:11:53 PM
I'd love to be stealth. That would mean people only see me as a guy which is very important to me. With that said, I may change my position once I start t.
I find people do "lighten up" a bit about this once they start T.
Pre-T, I was adamant that I was to be as stealth as possible because it bothered me constantly that I was seen as female. Both of those things changed after awhile.
(Maybe I'm just much more open about it because a lot of my close friends and acquaintances are also trans themselves, or some flavor of queer. It would be weird being stealth with other transpeople...[or would it?])
Which do you choose to be?
I choose to be completely stealth when and where I am able to not disclose any faulty information.
Why?
I want to be seen as a man. Not a freak, not a female, not anything less than male.
How did you come to the decision of who you disclosed your status to?
I came to the decision by whether or not it was legally necessary.
If I went somewhere or got into a situation that I'd have to disclose my name due to the legal purposes of payment or where my ID would be used in conjunction with the identity I provide, then I obviously just go along as female.
However, when it comes to work, school and my personal life I am just male. No one new in my life needs to know anything more than that. "Hey, I'm Sebastien." That's it.
I don't think it's anyones business. I want the least amount of people knowing as possible. If asked I will deny it. If it's not absolutely necessary for someone to know then I'm not going to tell them.
Which do you choose to be?
Will I choose might be better. When possible, I go with stealth.
Why?
Honestly, I'm male. I like people seeing me that way. Too often when people find out I become 'the girl who wants to be a guy'. I'm tired of it. I don't see any need to get in people's faces about my gender or sexuality, and if it doesn't come up I'll leave it that way.
How did you come to the decision of who you disclosed your status to?
Friends, people who knew before, and family. I knew I needed to come out because I was going crazy when I was called a girl. I just couldn't do it anymore.
Quote from: Wolf Man on March 26, 2011, 12:44:22 PM
Why?
I want to be seen as a man. Not a freak, not a female, not anything less than male.
This is how I see it. No one needs to know a thing, its like a medical defect. I just want to be seen as male, not as transmale, female, or the girl who wants to be a guy.
We are guys, our bodies just don't match, and most people don't get that. When people find out you're trans its like a bombardment of unecessary questions. I get that your curious, but im not google. I can't answer every single question you have with a definitive answer and every trans person is different.
So my preferences won't be the same as someone elses. Who else needs to know about that besides me and my partner.
Not to mention people start to view you differently especially if you're pre-t, its harder to be stealth.