Every time I talk to or see my ex he makes me feel like crap. He's still very angry and passive-aggressive. When we talk on the phone he starts using a very angry and depressed tone. When we meet in person he carries the same mentality. He will try to make me feel guilty about everything and all his current problems are my fault.
We rarely communicate with each other right now. Usually just when he needs info of some kind or is getting something from the house. I believe I've given him a fair deal in our separation. He will get the house or the money from the house if sold. I don't want to be tied down to the house so that if I move I don't have to worry about it. I would rather it be out of my hands. Plus letting him have the house adds some security for him.
He originally didn't want to stay at the house like I wanted him too. He wanted to live with his mother instead. A few months after me coming out to him (July 2009) he got laid off. I let him stay at the house as long as he wanted (which was hell). After our separation agreement got finalized in March of last year he moved out.
He can move back into the house at any time, he just has to give me time to find and move into an apartment. He hasn't though since he doesn't make enough money to afford to live on his own. I still don't even know if he has a job yet or not- he won't tell me. Yeah, our communication is that bad right now. We didn't want to sell the house due to the horrible housing market but at this point if he told me he wanted to sell it I'd be all for it. I stay at the house because I'd rather one of us stay here than renting it out. We've both dealt with renters before (his mother has alot of rental property) and they can be a huge pain and expense. However, I hate feeling trapped in this house, knowing that at any time he or his family could show up.
Speaking of his family they also don't know I'm trans. They are very religious, conservative and we already know their beliefs on transsexuals. His mother is also in her late 70's with health problems that seem to get worse easily with stress. So, we felt it was best for everybody if they didn't know... and I agree. However, I live in fear that they will find out and start harassing me (or worse). Trust me, if they ever found out it would make my life an even bigger hell.
Before the split I let him have the money in our joint account (over 14K) and I'll be giving him even more money depending on what's done with the house. So, in the end he'll get the house or money from the sell of the house, alot of money and he gets to keep anything that belongs to him. Alot of his stuff is still at the house though because there's not enough room at his mother's. Plus, if he'll eventually have the house why remove all his stuff into storage when it can stay here for free? I admit his stuff being here is handy for me too. We decided that each person gets to keep our own things and we've divided the things we both owned. In the long run he gets more possessions too, but I'm a minimalist and don't like alot of stuff or clutter. Plus if I move into an apartment (which is what I want to do) I'll have less room.
I'd say all in all he got the better end of the deal... yet he refuses to see it. He claims I "took everything away from him" and used him only to get possessions. Really? Then why will he end up with them all? His guilt tripping is maddening. Yes, I do feel bad for what I did and put him through. Despite being a heterosexual male I did love him. I loved him for who he was inside. If you couldn't tell already he has many feminine characteristics with his personality. It many times felt like I was living with a woman anyway. Over time though it just became harder and harder to love him and his body. I did my best and did what I thought was expected of me- but I couldn't do it any longer.
His mother is a very spiteful, vindictive woman and I know she's just fueling his anger. She did some pretty nasty things to my family not long after she found out we were separating. She had to be put in her place and was told to never contact my family again. Him living with that kind of person isn't helping him, but he continues to stay. They are very, very close. I've always suspected she's always meant more to him than me. I realized and accepted this before I married him though.
Looking back, I wish I never met him. My life would probably be better (and his as well) and I may have started transition earlier. I subdued my GID feelings and didn't transition for a long time because of him. I eventually faced facts and realized I can't live my life for him. It was a lie and he didn't deserve that. Our relationship had started going downhill for a long time anyway.
So, here I am trapped. I just don't know what to do. I want to move away. Away from him, his family, my work, my past. And don't even get me started on work. I want to start somewhere new. I don't want to live in constant fear. Despite everything I do feel guilty and wonder if I'm suffering so much as payment for what I did to him. Everything feels so hopeless. Why do I even try?
tl;dr
FML
Move away.
You don't deserve to be treated like this. No-one does.
Thanks Spacial. Yes, it's more of an existence right now than a life. I do know that part of this is my doing though. The sad thing is what was posted is only part of the crap going on in my life right now.
If I could sum up my life it would be one word- regret. The thing I regret most of all is being born.